The Naive Bumblebee

by Holly Smith

  “I would like a new . . . , I would like to look at . . . , umm, I would like to do this body thing,” she said finally and giggled, feeling silly for believing such an idea. Before she could think another thought, the sales assistant took her arm.

  “Great! We have quite a selection for you to choose from although I know you will want to keep your eyes the same. Come right along,” the sales girl said, pulling Nelise forward excitedly.

  Nelise laughed nervously as they walked down a hall and into a room with four large mirrors, one on each wall of the soft blue room. She assumed there were dressing rooms behind each one. She was again surprised that there were no other people in the store but that was quite OK with her. However, she did not see any clothes, makeup artists, or anything else.

  “How does this work?” she asked.

  “Stand in front of a mirror and look at it for a few minutes until you see a reflection. If you like what you see, simply say you like it and it will be yours while you are here,” the clerk advised cheerfully.

  “Really? Who creates the body? How do they know what I want? I’m not even sure I know what I want,” Nelise said suddenly feeling nervous about making such a decision and at the same time wondering if she had lost her mind.

  “As you stand before the mirror, it will receive the vibrations emanating from you and will reflect a picture from them back to you. If you do not like it, move on to the next mirror and start again. It’s wonderfully fun!”

  “OK,” Nelise said, stepping in front of the first mirror. She waited for what seemed like very long time.

  “I don’t think this one is working; it’s taking a long time,” she said. “Is something wrong?”

  “Nothing is ever wrong in Garden and time is irrelevant here. Be patient, it is waiting for your vibrations to become steady, that’s all. Believe that it will work and that will help move it along,” the sales clerk assured.

  Nelise looked back into the mirror while recalling different women whose appearances she had been jealous of in the past. She took a deep breath and sighed. Slowly the mirror reflected a version of her as a slender blonde wearing a short and sexy, bejeweled red dress that showed cleavage, and on her feet were high-heeled, shiny red shoes. Her face was extravagantly made up and there were large gold earrings dangling from her ears. She resembled one of the women she had just been thinking about. Now, with the thought of walking the streets like that, she was no longer jealous.

  “Aaaacckkk! That’s not me; I don’t like that!” she exclaimed and jumped back.

  The sales clerk laughed good-naturedly. “OK, just move on to the next mirror then.”

  Nelise stood in front of the second mirror and waited. This time she thought of her cousin. After less time, there was another slender version of herself with black curly hair bouncing around her face, light makeup, with shapely tanned legs visible below blue short shorts. A white frilly blouse, lots of gold jewelry, and shiny gold-colored sandals finished the presentation. That’s not me either, she thought drolly.

  She took a deep breath and moved on to the third mirror. Gosh, I hope I won’t be doing this for hours. Oh, that’s right, time is irrelevant. She smiled and decided to keep her mind blank and see what showed up. Within moments, her reflection was transformed into a slender version of herself wearing a knee-length dress the color of green grass with a gentle V-neck, sleeves that draped down and off her shoulders into a tulip edged design with a golden sash that fit snugly around her small waist. There were small-heeled golden sandals on her feet, just enough makeup on her face to highlight her eyes and cheekbones, and a string of pearls around her neck and wrist with matching pearl earrings. Her lips were the color of coral snapdragons. She looked stunning and felt a wave of joy rush through her body. She turned to the sales clerk and asked, “What do you think?”

  “Magnificent, such a good vibration! You make the decision; how do you feel wearing that look?”

  “I feel like this is me . . . , well, if this were really me,” Nelise said, her eyes glued to the mirror.

  “That is you in Garden, dear; enjoy the experience!”

  Nelise smiled with delight. “Yes, I’m definitely going to do that. How do I pay?”

  “Oh my dearest, money is irrelevant in Garden,” the sales clerk said sweetly. “Just walk out the door with your new self and smile.”

  Nelise felt a thrill beyond words as if she just started a new life. She smiled at herself in every one of the variously-sized mirrors lining the walls to the exit.

  When Esleen saw Nelise, she smiled brightly. “You are absolutely lovely! How do you feel?”

  “Amazing! I could not have decided better and I feel ecstatic seeing myself like this. I wish I could feel this way every day for real!”

  “Come to Garden every day and you can, Nelise,” Esleen said. “Where to next?”

  “I want to go to a park with a lake and take a stroll around with my new beautiful self. Is there one here?”

  “There is absolutely everything you want here, Nelise,” Esleen said, taking her arm and leading her further up the cobblestone street.

  Within a matter of seconds, they had walked around the back of a store and stood before a lake with a soft, mossy walkway around it. There were people walking, lying on blankets or grass, and some sitting on benches observing the beauty of the park while talking softly with each other.

  Nelise took in deep breaths of the fresh air delicately scented with jasmine and glanced at everyone around her as she and Esleen were walking. Whenever she looked at someone, they smiled at her and offered some friendly greeting. So this is what it’s like to be attractive with everyone looking your way in a friendly manner. I feel as if I were covered in jewels. I wish Loyle could be here with me. As soon as she thought of Loyle, she envisioned herself going into the card shop on a Saturday morning wearing a forced smile to hide her feelings of abject loneliness.

  Within seconds, Nelise realized she was back in the easy chair of her bedroom. No! No! No! She cried and continued crying until she exhausted all tears. She went to the bathroom, washed her face and went to bed. She didn’t look at the time; she wanted to sleep and forget the whole thing happened, whatever it was that did happen. I knew I would regret buying that stupid book! That was her last thought as she fell asleep.

  She woke up in the night to get a drink of water and was drawn to the book again. She turned on the light by her easy chair and sat down. Ignoring the page it had opened to, she went back to the rules and re-read about asking for help.

  “I want help,” she said aloud.

  “OK, what would you like help with?” a familiar voice asked.

  Nelise opened her eyes and there was MG before her at the newspaper stand. “You’re the help?”

  “At your service,” smiled MG.

  “Why was I thrown out?” Nelise asked, crossing her arms, annoyed to find herself in front of MG again.

  MG ignored Nelise’s body language. “What was the last thing you thought of before you found yourself out of Garden?”

  Nelise recalled the moment. “I thought of Loyle, a guy I know.”

  “How did that make you feel?”

  “Well, I thought of him and . . . , yeah, it made me feel sad.”

  “Why?”

  “I became aware of how different I had looked then compared to how I looked in Garden, and I felt hopeless and lonely,” Nelise said.

  “Ahhh, do you remember the rules?”

  “If I feel any negativity, I would be thrown out of Garden?”

  “Yes, that feeling changed your whole vibration and threw you out,” MG affirmed.

  “Now that I understand, can I get back in?”

  “When you feel better, close your eyes and say the words, you know the ones,” directed MG.

  Nelise took three deep breaths and sighed.

  “I’m looking for the Garden,” she said, relieved and hopeful again.

  “Hello, Nelise,” Esleen said happily. “Would you like
to go to the body shop?”

  “What?” Nelise looked down at herself and saw her body such as it was.

  “Oh no,” she said dismally.

  As a wave of disappointment flooded her mind, Nelise found herself back in her chair. She looked at the book and laughed hysterically which turned into deep aching sobs. This time though, she understood why she was thrown out of Garden and went to bed deciding to try again the next evening, feeling grateful to have gained some insight from the experience.

  Chapter 3

  It was six o’clock in the evening when Nelise barged into her apartment and kicked the door shut while juggling mail and store-bought items to the table. She put water on to cook pasta and prepared a small salad. It had been a rough day. Her manager discovered an error in her report and was loudly displeased. On the way back to her desk, someone told her about a birthday party in the conference room. She said thanks and continued on to her cubicle to redo her report and overheard someone say, “Nelise must be ill if she’s not rushing to the conference room for cake!” and then laughter.

  I should be used to that by now, she told herself, still feeling hurt. I have never rushed anywhere for food! But that’s how it goes when you’re a person of weight. Others have a twisted perception of you, especially when they have never known anyone with a weight issue. She had quickly finished her work and headed home feeling weary and downtrodden, as if someone had stepped on her chest with work boots.

  She ate supper, walked into the bedroom, and glanced at the book next to her chair. Should I even bother? She got into bed and turned on the television. All the time it was on, she kept reliving how wonderful she felt with her beautiful body while walking around Garden with Esleen.

  She abruptly turned off the television, went to her easy chair and picked up the book. The pages opened to the Garden Entranceway.

  “I’m looking for the Garden,” she said after taking a deep breath.

  “Hi, Nelise; it’s so good to see you. Shall we head for the body shop?”

  “Yes please,” Nelise said, laughing to herself at Esleen’s lack of acknowledgment that she had been gone for some time. Oh, that’s right, time is irrelevant here. Ha. I am not going to let anything throw me out of Garden this time, she vowed.

  Not happy with the reflections of the first three mirrors, she was now in front of the fourth one. The reflection she had previously experienced was not coming through. This time the mirror showed her as pale with straight brown hair, a pink headband, pink lipstick and pearl earrings. She wore jeans and a white top. She didn’t look bad but she wouldn’t have called it beautiful either. I’ll take it; at least I’m thin again and that’s what matters. She joined Esleen out front.

  “You look lovely Nelise,” Esleen said. “Would you like to return to the lake or go somewhere else this time?”

  “I think I want to go horseback riding in the country. Would you join me?” Nelise asked, suddenly feeling hesitant and wondering why.

  “I will always join you if you invite me,” Esleen replied, taking her hand and leading her down a dirt pathway through the woods.

  They had been walking and walking when Nelise brushed away her tentative feelings and wished they were there spontaneously.

  “Esleen, how far away is this place?” she asked.

  “Oh, I thought you needed a nice, long walk. Why, here we are now,” she said.

  Nelise looked at Esleen suspiciously until her eyes were drawn to the beautiful horses standing before them. She especially liked the shiny one with the cream-colored coat. Just then, the owner came out and greeted everyone.

  “Hi there! Welcome to our riding stables. It’s a beautiful day and it will be a good ride! C’mon over here and we’ll match you up with the perfect horse for you.”

  Nelise felt a surge of resentful anger run through her. She opened her eyes knowing full well she was no longer in Garden. She jumped up from her chair and yelled at her reflection in the bedroom mirror. Her body was trembling as she continued yelling at herself. “You’re such a f-f-f-f . . . , you’re a f-f-f-f-f . . . ,” she stuttered. “I hate you! You’re a loser!” She screamed and slid down the wall onto the floor in a lump of sobbing bedclothes. When she finally stopped crying, she remained sitting in the silence. Her mind was blank until a memory from long ago rushed in.

  The youth group from her church was taken to riding stables on an outing. She had never been riding before and was excitedly watching the other kids as they scrambled towards the horses they wanted to ride. She was walking towards a pretty cream-colored horse with gentle brown eyes before she heard someone say, “Sally, you can’t ride that one; I think it is for fat people because he’s bigger than the others. They’ll probably put Nelise on that one.”

  Nelise stopped moving as if her feet were blocks of ice, her blood ice water. When the trail guide came out to help everyone onto their horse, there was only one horse left, “that” horse, and he called Nelise over to help her onto it. Nelise felt like crying the whole day but pretended as if she really liked the horse and that nothing bothered her. When she got home, her mother asked her if she had fun. She ran to her room, threw herself onto the bed and sobbed.

  Her mother followed and after hearing what had happened, said, “Nelise, you are too sensitive. That woman didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” She held Nelise close for a moment and then said, “Come have some cookies and milk with me and you’ll feel better.”

  That was Alice Laverty’s way of dealing with feelings. She ate to numb them but as a child, Nelise couldn’t have understood that.

  Despondent from the flashback, Nelise got up from the floor and went to bed. How many of these darn memories are there? How can I enjoy Garden with all these things tormenting my mind?

  Chapter 4

  It was Friday and Nelise was sitting at her desk at work, staring blankly at her computer screen. She had not opened the book since her last visit. She missed Esleen and Garden dreadfully and yet every time she thought to go back, she couldn’t face the idea of dealing with some other issue that might throw her out. She wrestled with the decision to live life as it had been, mediocre at best, or deal with the emotional torment from her past in order to stay in Garden. Was it worth it? Would it ever end?

  Her phone rang. It was Petal Doe, whose cubicle was a few rows down from hers. Petal was the only one at work who had befriended Nelise and never seemed to take notice of her weight. Petal herself was slender and pretty with her sandy brown hair and hazel eyes but didn’t seem aware of that either.

  “Nelise, you look like you’re feeling a little down today. We’re all going over to the pub for lunch. Come with us,” she suggested.

  “No thank you, Petal; not this time, but thanks for asking.”

  “OK. Would you like me to get you a sandwich or something?”

  “Yes . . . , uh . . . , on second thought, no. I’ll run downstairs to the little shop and grab something.”

  “OK. See you at break.”

  Now that Nelise’s attention had been brought to food, the battle began as it often did when her emotions were tugged at; she craved potato chips. Thankfully, having four more hours of work gave her momentary resolve. She returned with cheese and crackers to have with her tea.

  The afternoon passed swiftly with all the projects she had to do and by the end of the day, she was grateful to head home. Now to get there with my emotions intact, she thought wearily. She walked to the parking lot without looking up from the ground, returned home and watched the news while warming soup. As always, most of it was disturbing and the infomercials about weight loss didn’t help.

  “That’s what I need, more attention to my weight!” she yelled at the television and turned it off. I am going to Garden if it’s the last thing I do and I’m going to figure out how to stay there until I choose to leave, she told herself firmly.

  “I want help,” she announced after sitting in her chair.

  “Hi, Nelise. What’s going on?”


  “MG, I know why I got thrown out of Garden this time but how do I get beyond those negative feelings that throw me out, when so many experiences from my past are liable to come back and haunt me? And why is it happening anyway?”

  “Because you are in Garden and feeling good. When you feel good, you are strong, and issues you have ignored over the years come to your attention to be dealt with once and for all,” MG explained. “That’s a good thing.”

  “At this rate, I’ll never be able to stay in Garden for long. Why should I bother trying?” she whined.

  “Thinking that way will never allow you in at all.”

  “How can I possibly deal with so many bad memories?” Nelise asked, her eyes watering and her face turning red. She began to cough and suddenly let out a shriek of frustration and cried uncontrollably. After some minutes, she began to gulp air and looked around desperately.

  “Where are you, MG? Help me!”

  “Nelise, relax and breathe,” said MG, unmoved by her reaction. “That’s good.”

  “What’s good?” Nelise asked, sniffing and rubbing her nose with her sleeve.

  “Letting bottled up feelings out.”

  “But I want this stuff to stop! How do I do that?” Nelise demanded.

  “Forgive,” MG said simply.

  “What a complete drag you are. Forgive who for what?”

  “Forgive everyone for everything, including yourself.”

  Nelise looked at MG as if he, or she, were speaking another language and laughed disdainfully.

  “Seriously, MG?” she asked.

  “Seriously,” MG said. “Does it solve anything if you don’t?”

  “What does it solve if I do?”

  “You get into Garden. You get to spend more time with Esleen feeling good, doing things you like, and enjoying your life more fully. Is that worth it? Otherwise, you can keep living the life you are living now, and you may never experience your best self,” MG reminded.

  “But it could take a lifetime!”

  “How long is a lifetime? Do you know? Don’t worry about that, Nelise; time is irrelevant. Start by forgiving the first person that comes to mind.”