The Naive Bumblebee

by Holly Smith

  “Mother!” Nelise blurted out before she could stop herself.

  “OK, start with her.”

  “Suppose you’re right. Let’s say I want to do that. How do I go about it?” Nelise asked impatiently.

  “Think about it this way: those experiences have already passed. You can’t change the people that caused them, but you can change your thoughts and feelings about them so they no longer affect you.”

  “But MG, I’m stuck with the effects of those experiences and all those people who caused them are living life like they never did anything wrong. Do you think that’s right?”

  “Nelise, you don’t know how they are living their lives and you are not stuck with anything if you learn how to change your mind. Let all those people go and focus on making yourself feel better now. That is really all you can do and it is what you must do. Spending time in Garden with Esleen will help immensely but you’ve got to get there and stay there for at least a little while. By buying the book, you agreed that you wanted to experience your best self. Is that still true?” MG asked.

  “Of course it is, but when memories fly into my mind, they make me feel bad. And what about those people’s punishment? Shouldn’t they be punished for such wrongs? Don’t you have any better suggestion than simply letting them off the hook? How easy is that to do? Seriously! I’m at the edge of my sanity!” Nelise yelled.

  “Nelise, have you ever done wrong to anyone?” MG asked.

  “Ugh! Yes, I suppose I have,” she said cautiously. “But if I did, I didn’t mean to!”

  “You suppose? You didn’t mean to? Ever?” MG asked, looking straight through Nelise’s eyes and into her heart. “And are you aware of the effect you’ve had on others by your negative behavior?”

  “No. Well . . . , I guess . . . , I mean . . . , OK; maybe I have hurt others, and maybe, at times, I was aware of how I made them feel, when you put it that way.”

  “Then what shall your punishment be?”

  Nelise was startled by MG’s question. She could not think of one thing to say in her defense because that would mean defending everyone else as well.

  “Nelise, do you think if you had been introduced to Garden from the very beginning of your life that you would have ever done anything hurtful at all?” MG asked.

  “No. I can honestly say I wouldn’t have.”

  “Do you think anyone else would have? If they had known they would always be tenderly loved and cared for, and could experience whatever they wanted to, safely and happily with a dear, loving friend by their side, do you think they would have even thought about doing any hurtful thing at all to anyone, including themselves?”

  “No, I’m sure they wouldn’t,” Nelise said humbly, astonished by MG’s reasoning. It made sense.

  “So then, forgive those others and forgive yourself.”

  Nelise’s wall of defense was dissolving. Her mournful soul drank in the loving understanding like a sponge soaks up water. Uplifted tears trickled from the corners of her eyes as she intensely hung onto MG’s compassionate gaze.

  “That is why you send all who disturb you, whoever it may be, to the Great Hall of Light,” MG advised.

  “The Great Hall of Light? What’s that?”

  “When you first came into Garden, do you remember noticing how bright everything was?”

  “Yes. Was that from the Great Hall of Light?” Nelise asked, awestruck.

  “Indeed. That is where everyone who visits Garden sends people who disturb their lives; that is a way they forgive. Then they stay in Garden as long as they want to as well as move on with their lives.”

  “Everyone who visits Garden? I’ve never seen anyone else in Garden going through what I’m going through. Just who are you talking about?” Nelise asked.

  MG smiled. “Of course you wouldn’t. But you are not the only one going through this, Nelise. Garden is for everyone who seeks it. Whatever each person is going through is that person’s own business. The ones who are successful are those you see moving about peacefully in Garden looking happy and healthy. They are the people who greet you with a smile. You enjoy the vibrations of good feeling flowing from them with no concern about what is going on within them. You are reacquainting yourself with a happy life and they are too. That is the way it is meant to be, which is why you are thrown out if you are not in harmony with all who are in Garden. Understand?”

  Nelise nodded as MG’s explanation completely changed her feelings. She wanted to know more.

  “Let’s say that I did send them to the Great Hall of Light, MG. What happens to them then?”

  “Within the Great Light, they begin to find their own way into Garden and it is not for you to know how or when or what they will have to go through to get there and stay there, much like you. You came here because someone sent you to the Great Hall of Light. Like you, they love it and strive to be here. Does anything else matter? Don’t you want to spend every free moment you have enjoying Garden with Esleen and becoming your best self?”

  “Yes, I do want that. How exactly do I send someone to the Great Hall of Light?”

  “Close your eyes and think of someone you want to send there.”

  Nelise closed her eyes and again immediately thought of her mother. “OK.”

  “Say: I now send you to the Great Hall of Light where all your needs are met. If you come to me again, I will send you there again. I will send you as many times as you need me to. I wish you love and peace.”

  Nelise felt the anger and heartache that she had been feeling for so long begin melting away like ice cream in the sun. She became very calm and peaceful.

  “I did.”

  “Wonderful. Now that you have forgiven her, you are free to do what you want. Whenever such things come to mind that would steal your peace, send all to the Great Hall of Light just like that.”

  Nelise reflected on all that just happened. Could it be that simple?

  “What is simple may not always be easy, Nelise; yet it is a decision worth making. How are you feeling?” MG asked.

  “I feel lighter,” she said and smiled.

  “Then off you go,” said MG, fading away.

  Although MG never touched her, Nelise felt as if she had been gently hugged. She smiled and confidently announced, “I’m looking for the Garden.”

  Chapter 5

  “Hi, Nelise; it’s a joy to see you!” Esleen said warmly as they were standing outside the body shop.

  Nelise laughed when she saw their immediate location as she entered Garden. She went inside.

  “Hi, Nelise,” said the sales clerk happily. “How are you today?”

  “I’m very well,” Nelise said and then, as an afterthought, she looked at the clerk. “Say, what is your name? I have spoken with you all this time and have never asked.”

  “Ivy.”

  “Thank you for your assistance, Ivy.”

  “You’re very welcome, Miss Nelise; it is always my pleasure.”

  Nelise stood before the first mirror. She was so glad to be back in Garden that she would have been willing to stand in front of them for hours. Moments later, she saw the same reflection she had first liked, the one with the golden sash and pearls. She was elated.

  “Thank you, Ivy; have a great day!” she called, skipping lightly out of the shop.

  “You too, Nelise!” Ivy said, smiling.

  “Nelise! Your original creation, wonderful!” Esleen exclaimed with delight. “Where to?”

  Nelise took a few minutes to focus her thought, not wanting to go anywhere or do anything that might rekindle any more of her past. She hadn’t felt this good since her first time in Garden.

  “I want to go back to the stables,” she declared with sudden determination.

  “Great!” Esleen took her arm and in just moments they were there. “You can use the mirror in the dressing room on the side of the building to change into riding clothes.”

  “Oh! I hadn’t even thought about that, thanks,” Nelise said, realiz
ing she had never gotten that far into the experience the last time. A few minutes later, she emerged wearing a white sequined western shirt with tan jeans and white western boots with fringe. She noticed other riders nodding towards her approvingly.

  Nelise saw the horse she liked, rushed over and got herself up and into the saddle. The trail guide came out and had everyone line up after him on their respective steeds. They rode through the woods, by a marsh, over some hills, and stopped in a meadow for a break. Nelise dismounted and sat on the thick green grass; closing her eyes, she listened to the horses snort, whinny and nibble the grass and clover. She felt relaxed and content. After a short time, the trail guide announced they were going to ride to a lake for a small picnic before galloping over the last few grassy hills back to the stables. She thoroughly enjoyed the muted sound of hoofs on the wet soil at the lake, and of the crunching leaves as they rode through the woods. The wind blew through her hair and the aroma of pine rejuvenated her spirit. When they returned, she enjoyed rewarding the horse with sugar cubes.

  Esleen was waiting. She looked pleased as Nelise approached. “It looks like you enjoyed the ride,” she commented.

  “It was wonderful! I’ve wanted to do that my whole life,” said Nelise jubilantly. She felt a momentary twinge of emotional discomfort but quickly recalled the pleasure of the ride and it dissolved immediately.

  “I’m so glad. Where to next?” Esleen asked, taking Nelise’s arm like a best friend and walking back towards Main Street.

  “I want to have ice cream. Are there ice cream shops in Garden?”

  “There’s everything you want in Garden, dear.”

  As they walked along Main Street looking for an ice cream shop, a handful of children carrying towels and sand toys caught Nelise’s eye. She immediately forgot about ice cream.

  “Oh, Esleen! Let’s go to the beach; I want to go swimming!” she cried with childlike delight.

  Esleen told her to close her eyes and in moments, they were standing in beach clothes on a beautiful beach with soft white sand. Nelise laid out a blanket in her colorful white and red dotted swim dress and flowery sandals. Esleen was sitting comfortably on a beach recliner looking out over the frothy blue water with swimmers’ bobbing, laughing heads yelling to each other from floating inner tubes in the waves.

  “Have fun!” Esleen called out as Nelise ran towards the water.

  As soon as she reached the edge of the water, Nelise felt as if she had just run into a brick wall. She turned and ran back to the blanket, wrapped herself in a towel and sat down sullenly.

  “What’s going on?” Esleen asked.

  Nelise tried to keep her thoughts on the laughing children but when Esleen asked her that question, she was spontaneously thrown out of Garden. This time she didn’t cry. She sat still and allowed her memory to show her the reason.

  She was a young girl at the beach with her parents and friends. It was her birthday and they were there for a picnic and swimming. The girls were hurriedly pulling off their clothes down to their bathing suits while chatting happily and looking forward to jumping into the warm waves. Just as they began running, a shadow loomed over the place where they had been. The children kept running for the water unaware. Nelise stayed put.

  “Nelise! Put your clothes back on and swim in them or don’t swim! No daughter of mine is going to parade her body around in front of strangers while she’s practically naked!” her father yelled and returned to his beach chair next to her mother.

  “Harther, all the girls are wearing bathing suits so let her go,” her mother pleaded weakly.

  “I’ll not have my daughter showing her body to strangers, Alice. The other girls’ parents may allow them to parade around like hussies but not me!”

  “Harther, please . . . ,” Nelise’s mother said, meekly looking down in embarrassment. That was all she could do. She was not capable of standing up to him. She gave Nelise an apologetic glance.

  Nelise ran back to the car in tears. It was locked and, afraid that her father might come after her, she ran to the ladies’ room into the farthest stall and sat on the toilet crying quietly. Her mother came for her an hour later.

  “We’re in the car waiting for you, Nelise,” she said without emotion. “The other girls decided they wanted to go home early.”

  When Nelise got into the car, her friends were uncomfortably looking down at the floor. As each one was dropped off at her home, she would respectfully thank Nelise and her parents without looking at them.

  Nelise felt her anger build into rage as she contemplated the memory. She forgot all about forgiveness and the Great Hall of Light. She screamed at the top of her lungs without caring who might hear.

  “You sick, sick man! You shamed me in front of my friends! You ruined my life! Mother! Why did you stay with that jerk? I hate you both! I hate you!” Nelise screamed, throwing everything she could get her hands on across the room. The only breakable thing was the little pink flower vase that she loved; her mom had given it to her. It broke into pieces. When Nelise realized what she had done, she became even more furious and picked up the book, ready to hurl it too when she felt her arm freeze in midair. She could not move her arm until she decided to put the book down. Those few moments of stillness were enough to distract her from her emotional pain and she looked around the messy room forlornly. She went to the kitchen to soothe herself with cocoa.

  As she placed the mug of milk into the microwave, her trembling body became calmer and her mind went blank.

  The timer went off, startling Nelise. She mixed her cocoa and carried it into the bedroom, sat in her chair, and took a sip.

  “Ussshhhh, I need help again!” she exclaimed in exasperation.

  “Nelise?” asked a surprised MG.

  Nelise blinked. “Oh! I didn’t mean to . . . never mind . . . I was thrown out of Garden again.”

  “You bumped into another memory, eh? Did you remember what to do?”

  “No, MG. It took me by surprise but now I do. Dad, Mom, I forgive you. You didn’t know how to be better parents and I understand that now. I send you both to the Great Hall of Light where you’ll be helped to find Garden. I wish you peace.”

  “How do you feel now?” MG queried, handing Nelise a mirror.

  Nelise took the mirror, surprised. “How do I feel? Not all that good. I suppose it will come with time.”

  “Look at yourself in the mirror. Tell Nelise in the mirror how you feel about her.”

  Nelise hated looking at herself in the mirror except in Garden. She was full of so many emotions that she wasn’t even sure what she felt at the moment.

  MG looked at her expectantly with a softened expression.

  Nelise looked into the mirror. “I feel sorry for you,” she said unkindly. “You’re pathetic and I’m disgusted with you.”

  “Why are you talking to her like that?” MG asked.

  “Because she’ll always be f-f-f-f . . . , big . . . , and she’ll always feel like a pig, and she’ll keep living the same way she always did; stuffing her feelings and stuffing her face!” Nelise said bitingly. Tears floated along the rim of her lower eyelashes.

  “Was she always big?”

  “As far as I can remember,” she said with a teary-eyed frown.

  “Did she always feel bad?” MG asked.

  “Yes; there wasn’t a day that she was not irritated, crying, or sleeping on the couch.”

  “Why didn’t you help her?” MG continued.

  “Because I couldn’t; I didn’t know what to do,” Nelise murmured. “It was like she was untouchable . . . , unreachable . . . , like she didn’t have enough energy to care about anything, just lying there staring into space while I was trying to talk to her . . . . Wait a minute, who are we talking about?”

  “Who are you talking about?” MG asked, glancing sideways.

  Nelise looked down at her reflection in the mirror. “My mother,” she said wistfully.

  MG remained quiet, allowing Nelise time to con
template her feelings.

  “I have been mad at my mother all these years for being fat and depressed, for acting like a victim, for never standing up for herself or me. I have been seeing her that way, judging her, and hating her for it and I became . . . I became her,” Nelise whispered, tears flowing down her cheeks, humbled by the realization.

  Gradually she looked up at MG. “But I don’t have to be that way, right? That was her life and I was not responsible for it. I am responsible for my own life and I want it to be different, better. I want to be happy and I want to like my life,” she sniffed.

  “Good self-awareness, Nelise, and you have clarified your desire as well. Sounds like you’re ready to move on. Am I right?” MG inquired.

  “No, I want to do some thinking,” she stated and left. She looked around her bedroom.

  One of MG’s questions reverberated in her thoughts. “Did she always feel like that?”

  Nelise pondered her childhood. No, there must have been times when mom was happy but I can’t recall when. If I were talking about myself, I’d remember better-feeling times . . . . Can’t I? How pitiful! I can’t even remember my own good times! I guess I was living my mother’s life and mine was on the shelf all that time. Ughhh!

  What would Esleen say to Nelise in the mirror? Nelise took the mirror from her bureau and looked at her reflection again.

  Esleen would say she loves Nelise, that Nelise is smart and beautiful and fun to be with. She would take Nelise’s arm tenderly and say she’s happy whenever Nelise shows up. Yes, that’s right. Nelise sighed. For once I uplifted myself, she thought. And then a profound question awakened within her. Garden is in the depths of my mind where the book takes me, but is it real?

  “Ugh. I need help again,” she said aloud.

  Chapter 6

  “Yes, Nelise?”

  “MG, Garden isn’t real, is it?”

  “Let me ask you a question. Where would you rather be: in Garden or outside of Garden?”

  “In Garden, of course,” Nelise said emphatically.

  “Why?”

  “Because I feel good there. I feel loved and appreciated and happy. I’m free to be myself and I have a choice about everything. Who wouldn’t rather be in Garden?”