The Naive Bumblebee

by Holly Smith

  “I really enjoyed that! What’s next?” Esleen asked enthusiastically.

  Let me see, what else would I do if this were real? Nelise asked herself.

  “Nelise, this IS real,” Esleen said. “Everything you experience here is as real as it is in your ‘out there’ world. In reality, everything out there is influenced by what you experience in here.”

  Nelise looked at Esleen with surprise. “How did you know what I was thinking?”

  “Nelise, haven’t you understood yet that as your guide, I know everything about you, what you are thinking and how you are feeling?”

  “I guess I had never given it that much thought,” Nelise said, wanting to avoid the whole subject, along with Esleen’s explanation. “Esleen, I can’t think of anything else I would like to do on this visit.” As soon as she spoke the words, she felt her stomach get queasy and a bad feeling came over her.

  Chapter 8

  Nelise knew she was back in her chair but she wasn’t sure why this time. She sat for a few minutes making up her mind whether she wanted MG’s help or not. I only need a little help, she thought.

  “How can I assist you?” asked the familiar voice. “I assume you were thrown out of Garden again?”

  “Oh, MG, I didn’t mean to . . . , never mind. Esleen asked me what else I wanted to do and I couldn’t think of anything. I started feeling anxious and my stomach got upset and I was thrown out. Why?”

  “When was the last time you had that anxious feeling?”

  “Oh not again, ugh. OK, the last time I felt like that was when I couldn’t think of anything to do,” Nelise heard herself say unexpectedly and paused.

  “In Garden?” MG inquired.

  “No, no, I was a young girl at home alone. My parents were out and my friends weren’t around when I called. I wasn’t allowed to leave the house alone, and I didn’t have any books to read or anything to play with. I felt like nobody cared about me,” Nelise said, surprised that this memory had remained with her for so long.

  “So what did you end up doing?” MG asked.

  “I looked for something to eat,” Nelise said, feeling as if she were drowning in shame.

  “Did you find anything?”

  “Yes; cereal, bread and peanut butter.”

  “Did you eat them?”

  “You’re merciless, MG! I don’t want to talk about this and what does it have to do with getting thrown out of Garden!” Nelise raged. “Must I continually be confronted by things that make me loathe myself?”

  Finding herself back in her chair, Nelise looked at the clock. Almost midnight. That’s just great; now I can’t even talk with MG!

  She went to the kitchen for a bowl of cereal. As she was reaching for the milk in the refrigerator, her hands flew to her face in shock and she cried uncontrollably. She recalled that little girl who felt so lonely, who needed someone to hold her and tell her that she was loved. Not knowing how to escape her morose feelings, she ate the first thing she found which was cereal. That little girl ate so much that night she got sick to her stomach. When her parents returned home, she was scolded by her mother for wasting food and her father said, “Leave the little piglet alone; she can’t help it.” As a matter of fact, that was her father’s pet name for her: Piglet. She had forgotten since they were no longer alive. He would often come home with snacks and candy and then keep them for himself, telling her that he didn’t want her to get any fatter because then he’d have to call her pig instead of piglet. There was never a time when she didn’t think of herself as fat.

  Nelise paced her apartment, alternating between crying and raging at her parents. Finally, she fell onto the bed into exhaustive sleep.

  She woke up the next morning with a headache and went to the kitchen to make coffee. She saw the box of cereal.

  Ugh! I don’t have time for this! she chided. She threw the box into the trash and continued getting ready for work.

  When she returned home that evening, she was determined to get beyond that experience and the feelings that went with it. When she was ready, she sat in her chair. “I want help.” It seemed to take a long time before she finally heard MG’s voice.

  “Nelise?”

  “I want to get rid of these bad feelings so I can get into Garden. What do I do this time?”

  “Forgive,” said MG once again.

  “Is that all you can say about anything and everything?”

  “It is.”

  “How can I do that? My parents are gone and my life is ruined!”

  “Is it ruined in Garden?” MG asked.

  “No, not there I guess.”

  “If your life is not ruined there, then it is not ruined anywhere. And it can never be ruined in Garden.”

  “What? MG, it seems to me that I have to get into Garden to find my best self, but I can’t stay in Garden because of bad memories. So how is my life not ruined? And what does forgiveness have to do with it?” she whined.

  “Dear Nelise, the first thing to do is stop saying that your life is ruined. The next thing is to keep trying and when you bump into negative memories, clear them each time with forgiveness. You are holding onto anger and guilt for so many things that you feel overwhelmed, as if you can’t do anything about them which creates more of the same feelings. You have been reliving that pattern for a long time and now you must let it go. The past is over. Can you accept that?”

  Nelise heard it all clearly this time as if being humbly silent had opened a new communication line. She became conscious of the fact that she had been blaming her parents for her present negative life experiences yet wasn’t doing what she knew to do to stop it.

  “Yes, MG, my past grieves me and I must let go of it; but how do I when I feel this strongly?”

  “You began the process the day you bought this book. Many parts of your life have been resolved just by spending time in Garden. Now you are coming up on things that have been buried deeper within you, immobilizing you, but they can be resolved as well.”

  “How can I forgive people who did me wrong even if I know I must? It feels like I am letting them get away with it,” Nelise said miserably, “and then I feel outraged!”

  “And that is hurting only you,” MG said.

  “I know!” Nelise said, tasting the bitterness of bile in her throat.

  “Let us take this whole thing apart and see if you can find a space to forgive. Are you willing?”

  “If you make sense, I may be,” Nelise said with resistance.

  “Who is responsible for your life right now?”

  “I am,” Nelise said through gritted teeth.

  “So anything to do with your parents is over, correct?”

  “MG, you are annoying me; get to the point.”

  “Remember what I told you about people finding Garden? That if your parents had been able to get to Garden, things would have turned out differently?”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “Then send them to the Great Hall of Light so things can turn out differently from now on,” MG advised.

  “I did. Apparently it didn’t work,” Nelise said stubbornly.

  “Do it again.”

  Nelise grimaced.

  “How many times must I do it? What’s the point if they come back with every memory?”

  “Keep it up and in time they will stop.”

  Nelise took a deep breath and spoke begrudgingly. “Mother and Dad, I send you to the Great Hall of Light again and I will keep sending you as many times as you grieve me because I want what is best for me . . . , and I guess for you as well. I can’t say I love you but I can wish something better for you.” Nelise felt as if a weight had been lifted from her.

  “How does a little compassion feel?” MG asked.

  “Compassion, eh? I feel better than I thought I would.”

  “Then for now, you are free,” MG assured.

  “OK, MG.”

  Nelise looked at the clock; one o’clock in the morning. Gosh, I feel like I just lived throug
h a lifetime. Thank goodness there’s still time for sleep she thought, fluffing her pillow and gratefully snuggling under the comforter.

  Chapter 9

  The week went well for Nelise after having visited Garden every evening. Friday morning she woke up feeling rested and happy. She put on a skirt and top for work but they didn’t fit right. She tried on a few different pieces of clothing and wasn’t happy with any of them. She spied a black suit with deep purple trim in the back of her closet that she hadn’t worn in years. It fit her perfectly.

  “Great! I’m glad I hung onto this,” she said, looking at herself in the mirror.

  When Nelise got to her desk, Petal was sitting in her chair.

  “Hi, Petal; what’s up?” Nelise asked, happily putting her things away and turning on her computer. “Why are you in my chair?”

  “Oh, I just wanted to say good morning and let you know about the retirement party for Miss June this afternoon at four o’clock.”

  “She’s retiring? That’s surprising; I thought she’d stay here until they pushed her out the door,” Nelise said good-naturedly.

  “So did I but she said she is moving nearer to her children. She sews like a pro and I think she’s going to go into business for herself making wedding dresses. She’s really good at it, you know; I’m going to have her make mine.”

  “Oh my gosh! Is that why you’re in my chair? You’re getting married?” Nelise asked excitedly.

  “Yeah, right,” Petal said with a smirk. “But when I do, I’ll go to her for a dress. Did you have a big wedding?”

  “It wasn’t big, but I did have the big dress and a bridesmaid. I regret spending the money I did, given the way it all worked out.”

  “I can imagine. At least you were married for a few years. I haven’t had a relationship last much longer than a year,” Petal admitted.

  “Just think of all the heartache you missed and the money you saved.”

  “I suppose. Hey, do you want to go out for lunch?”

  “If the boss doesn’t throw anything urgent at me, sure. Are you asking me personally or is everyone going?”

  “I thought we could get a sandwich down the street since we’ll be having cake later; you know, just to get out of here for a minute.”

  “OK, I’ll meet you at eleven-thirty then,” Nelise agreed as Petal gathered her things and was leaving. “Thanks for letting me know about the party.”

  Nelise had just finished her work when Petal called. “The party is in conference room D. I’m going there now.”

  “OK, I’ll be just a minute,” Nelise said. She signed a card she had purchased for Miss June at lunchtime and headed for the conference room. She was at the door when she heard a male voice say, “Better hurry and get another cake; this is pretty small for all of us and Nelise.”

  “Shut up, Chad! Why do you incessantly say things about Nelise? She never did anything to you. Besides, she has lost a bit of weight in case you hadn’t noticed,” Petal snapped.

  Moments later, the door opened and Nelise walked in. Everyone became silent, as if they had stopped breathing.

  “Over here, Nelise; I saved a seat for you,” Petal said hurriedly. She wasn’t sure how much, if anything, Nelise had heard. Chad looked out the window where he was standing. Everyone else was looking at Nelise with trepidation.

  Nelise put her purse down in the chair and began walking towards Chad.

  Chad turned around and was startled to find Nelise coming right towards him. “Hey Nelise, what’s up?” he asked uneasily.

  As she stood in front of him, all eyes were on them in anxious anticipation.

  “Chad, I just wanted to say you have made my day. Do you realize how many people there are in the world who wished someone, anyone, would take notice of them? For any reason? And here you are always noticing me and thinking of me. Why, it just makes me feel so special to think that you would take your eyes off all the other beautiful ladies in this place just to focus your attention on me.” At that Nelise stood on her toes and gave Chad a firm kiss right on his lips and turned to go back to her chair.

  After a long pause of bemused silence came an explosion of applause. Chad’s face was beet red. His embarrassed discomfort was Nelise’s trophy of honor for all time to come. She bowed to everyone and majestically sat down in her chair grinning from ear to ear.

  “You go, Nelise!” yelled one of the employees.

  “What’s the matter, Chad? Your face is so red!” said another with a giggle.

  “Yay Nelise, you are my hero!” squealed Petal delightedly.

  “Hey Chad, she’s right! You must have a thing for her!” teased one of the guys.

  “Chad and Nelise, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!” More laughter.

  Chad put his hands up to quiet everyone. “OK, I deserved that. Really though, I do like Nelise. You look especially nice today in your new suit, Nelise,” he said, bowing before her with prayerful hands.

  “Thank you, Chad,” Nelise said properly and then gave a playful wink to her audience.

  Just then Miss June came in with the manager and the party went along with a lot more joviality and good wishes than any before it.

  Nelise couldn’t wait to get home and tell Esleen all about it.

  As they were leaving work together, Petal asked Nelise if she wanted to go out for a drink.

  “Ordinarily I would, Petal, but since we ate out at lunchtime and then had the party, I think I want to go home and chill out.”

  “How about catching a movie with me then; would you be open to that?”

  “Petal, what’s the matter? Is everything OK?”

  “Yeah . . . , well . . . , Mom is under the weather and the rest of my family is away this weekend. I rarely spend a weekend by myself and to tell you the truth, I don’t like to. This weekend, I didn’t want to either so I thought I’d grab you before you left work.”

  “What about your other friends?”

  “Oh, Nelise, if you don’t want to hang out with me, it’s OK, really.”

  “It’s not that, Petal; you’ve never asked me to hang out with you before so I’m surprised, that’s all.” And she was surprised whenever anyone from work invited her anywhere outside of work. Leery of their intentions, she had always refused so people had stopped asking.

  “Gee Nelise, you never asked me out either.”

  Nelise was stunned.

  “Uh . . . , you’re right, I just thought . . . , I mean . . . ,” Nelise said awkwardly. “To be honest, I thought nobody would want to be seen with me in public because . . . ,” she began.

  “Don’t say it! I don’t know about anyone else but that is not the case with me. You always seemed so aloof, like you really didn’t want to get to know any of us. Until today, I thought you were uncomfortable with your weight and couldn’t bear to be around other people. But lately it seems you have changed and today, I saw a whole different side of you. It was great! I never knew you had such a wonderful sense of humor!” Petal said, laughing heartily.

  Nelise broke into laughter too and they headed off to the movie theater while rehashing the whole humorous event.

  After the movie, Petal invited Nelise to her house for coffee. As they came through the front door, Nelise saw a woman sitting on the couch in front of the television.

  “Mom, why are you here? Is something wrong?” Petal asked.

  “No, not at all, dear. About an hour ago, I started feeling better so I thought I would come over for a visit. I was surprised that you weren’t here so I waited and got interested in this show. Hi there,” she said to Nelise pleasantly.

  “Mom, this is my friend Nelise. We caught a movie after work and I invited her over for coffee. If I had known you were coming over, I would have come straight home. Nelise, this is my mom, Violet.”

  Nelise said hi and smiled.

  “I’m glad you had some fun. I didn’t want you to stay alone the whole weekend like you tend to do when the family isn’t around. You girls have your co
ffee and I’ll head home,” Violet said.

  “Mom, c’mon, have coffee with us. I want to tell you the great thing Nelise did at work today!” Petal said, winking at Nelise.

  “OK, I’d love to hear about it,” Violet said as she slowly made her way to the kitchen table. Nelise now understood why Petal stopped her from using the “f” word. Her mother was obese. For once, Nelise felt uncomfortable about someone else’s weight. She found herself sending Violet to the Great Hall of Light a few times that evening.

  It was early morning when Nelise returned home yet she wanted to go to Garden anyway. When she came out of the body shop, she exuded confidence with a red decorated braid down her back, a black top laced in red, red jeans and shiny black flats. She told Esleen of her experience, how it took all the courage she had to walk into the conference room after hearing the comment about her, and how Chad had rekindled her anger yet in the same moment she felt sorry for him, sent him to the Great Hall of Light, and kissed him.

  “Esleen, nobody knew that I was more startled by my own behavior than anyone!”

  Esleen relished hearing of Nelise’s experience and applauded.

  “What do you think of that?” Nelise asked, never expecting an answer.

  “Worlds change as we change, Nelise.”

  “I guess they do!” Nelise exclaimed happily not realizing the full reality of that statement.

  Chapter 10

  And so it went. Nelise continued going to Garden every evening before bedtime. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. It was now five months since she had first met MG and Esleen. She rarely had to speak with MG anymore. She was able to get into Garden whenever she wanted, and most times managed to stay there until she was ready to leave.

  Her friendship with Loyle had grown although they had yet to go out on a date. Nelise enjoyed the extended conversations with him on Saturdays since he had told her to come by in the afternoons. It warmed her heart when he said it wasn’t as busy then and they would have more time to chat.

  One Monday morning while she was pulling clothes out of the closet for work, she noticed every piece was hanging off her in spite of the many safety pins and different belts she used to keep them up. She finally found a dress that fit, albeit loosely, and decided to go clothes shopping during the upcoming weekend; something she always dreaded.