Hard to Love

by S M Mala

‘Why me?’

  The following week Mabel wasn’t quite sure why Calum suggested it. They were sitting on a couch in his office. ‘Can’t someone else do it?’

  ‘You’re good at pitch costings,’ her brother replied sweetly. ‘It would be perfect.’

  ‘I don’t want to work with your teams. They’re a bunch of-.’

  ‘Don’t say it,’ sighed Calum, starting to smile. ‘You know what they’re like. Money is no object for a creative.’

  ‘Based on what they get paid, it obviously isn’t.’

  She had noticed his sympathetic look before he tapped her knee.

  Mabel slapped it away.

  Right then, she glanced around to check who could see them.

  Calum and Joanna had chosen open plan offices with glass walls. This way everyone could see everything. Mabel thought the place was too exposed. She had chosen an area where she could observe most things from where she sat.

  Unfortunately, she was opposite the frantic and loud, creative department. It looked like a kindergarten; all little toys and play things to keep their tiny minds occupied before they came up with a big idea.

  In the past year there had been too few, hence the new additions to the team.

  ‘Everyone respects you,’ he muttered. Mabel knew he was lying and tried not to laugh. ‘You’re a bit abrasive but get things done.’

  ‘I’m only here because mum thinks it gives me a focus.’ Then she cleared her throat. ‘Business comes first and she wanted me to get my teeth into something.’

  ‘Yeah, well no-one thought it would be at the jugular of most of the agency,’ Calum said with a fixed smile. ‘But you had a point.’

  ‘I don’t mind if you sack me,’ she said, moving closer. ‘Honestly, mum would be okay about it… eventually.’

  ‘Of course, you’d love it, but unfortunately, you’re good at what you do,’ Calum frowned, leaning back.

  ‘You could do it behind her back, say it’s gross misconduct.’

  ‘And what would you do?’

  ‘Get some petrol and a box of matches? I know the creatives would like the extra heat, given the hot air that comes out of them.’

  ‘Now, now,’ he said, starting to laugh. ‘Just because Wes was a creative doesn’t mean all of them are bad.’

  ‘He was creative with the truth,’ she replied, standing up. ‘I blame you for making me meet him.’

  ‘If you hadn’t then Lottie and Jess wouldn’t be around.’

  ‘I would have found someone else.’

  ‘Like Bob Jones?’ he laughed then frowned. ‘You better not be hooking up with him.’

  ‘There’s nothing wrong with Bob.’

  ‘I’ll give you a list. If you haven’t forgotten, he took some of our clients when he left.’

  ‘You were upset about losing some of those tarty women from the cosmetics account he pinched!’ she laughed. ‘What is it about men and their competitive streak?’ Then Mabel frowned. ‘I know you see Wes occasionally when you do poker nights, so you do have a forgiving heart.’

  ‘May, you have to move on and forget about it.’

  It had gone into triple figures that statement and she was sick to the back teeth of hearing.

  ‘Move on, find love, how simple could that be?’ she said, shaking her head disappointedly. ‘I met him when I was twenty-three and spent fifteen years with him. How would I know he would be such an ungrateful, deceitful bastard? What’s there to move on to?’

  ‘Don’t be like that,’ he said, standing up and putting his hands on her shoulders.

  ‘No public displays of affection or people will think I’m shagging you.’

  ‘Oh, that’s gross!’ Calum pulled a face and immediately pushed her away. ‘Work on this new project.’

  ‘Who is the creative genius on this?’

  ‘Alex Chambers.’

  ‘I think he’s a bit stuck up and never speaks to me. I try to be friendly.’ She was met with a disbelieving look. ‘I do!’

  On the mention of his name, she remembered what she said on Friday evening, hoping he wouldn’t repeat it due to him being drunk.

  ‘And don’t be horrible to him!’ he shouted out.

  ‘I’m going to get a coffee from that expensive counter that costs a fortune to run, all because you want to be nice to people.’

  Walking towards the coffee bar, she queued to get her drink.

  ‘Skinny Cappuccino,’ she ordered, checking out the morning muffins and decided to give it a miss.

  Someone nudged her in the back, and she turned to see Alex holding an orange and looking at the cakes.

  Mabel turned around and went to pay.

  Again, there was another nudge, and she spun on her heels to look at him.

  ‘What?’ he said, avoiding eye contact.

  ‘Will you stop poking me?’

  ‘You’re the one going into my elbow. Would you mind not doing it?’ She was lost for words and noticed he smiled. ‘Please pay. I’m in a rush.’

  Getting her coffee, she walked towards her office as he followed.

  Mabel had no intention of rising to the bait, knowing if he nudged her again she would throw the coffee at him. They never overheated the milk, saying it spoilt the flavour of the coffee, thus making it sweeter.

  She thought it was an excuse as they couldn’t be bothered to make it hot.

  ‘There’s a meeting in half an hour in room two,’ he said from behind. ‘Bring your calculator.’

  Mabel stopped and turned to look at him straight in the eye.

  ‘I don’t work in accounts. I do the production budgets and make sure we spend within the guidelines. If you want someone else, then please go ahead and get a replacement.’

  Alex broke out into a wide smile while tossing his orange in the air.

  ‘How’s your fanny?’ he asked, making her jaw drop. ‘Did it get a good soak?’

  ‘Look, ignore what I said the other night. I was trying to sound interesting,’ she said, glancing shiftily around. ‘A single mother of two teenage girls. You try to liven things up a bit.’

  ‘Really?’ He tilted his head to one side and started to laugh. ‘So, it was a lie?’

  ‘Out and out one.’

  ‘Now that’s a lie. Why were you hobbling when you walked?’

  ‘Blister,’ Mabel quickly replied.

  ‘You wear flat shoes.’

  Mabel was caught off guard.

  ‘Most people are tottering, but you seem to be shuffling. I notice these things,’ he continued, stepping closer. ‘I’m pretty observant.’

  ‘That’s nice,’ she said, forcing a smile. ‘I better get my laptop.’

  She headed to her office.

  ‘And I know when someone has had a good shafting because you certainly had a glow.’

  Mabel quickly glanced over her shoulder, watching him walk off towards his section, laughing to himself.

  She dreaded the idea of working with Alex Chambers.

  ‘Research. That’s the bottom line.’

  The room was packed wall to wall with people. The cream of the agency and Mabel. One of Alex’s assistants was holding the meeting. He was called Paolo and oozed confidence. Slim, handsome and young, with a shaved head and clear blue eyes, he also had a stuck-up aura about him. And he detested Mabel with a passion. The feelings were mutual. ‘To get this client we are going to have to find out what makes them tick.’

  ‘A bomb,’ Mabel mumbled, pretending to look at something.

  She was sat at the bottom of the table so no-one would notice her.

  It was the usual thing of asking her to join after the brain storming had taken place, for Mabel to only make them come down to earth, usually with a bump.

  She was indeed the storm cloud to piss all over them.

  The idiots didn’t realise she was trying to make the place financially viable and safe, so the accounts department wouldn’t go ballistic at her brother, mother, and her.

  Then there were mutte
rings and Alex walked in, sitting opposite Mabel.

  She looked up, and once again he was staring, still with a bemused expression.

  It was then she noticed Alex peeling an orange, not taking any notice of what was being said. She watched how he removed the skin, then the pith, placing it all on a napkin. Afterwards, he divided the segments up and then looked her straight in the eye as he sucked on the end of one, before popping it into his mouth.

  ‘It’s a website dating agency,’ he said, not diverting his stare. ‘They specialise in heterosexuals, homosexuals and mature people. It’s quite a coup as they’ve done well but they want to broaden their market share. And I’ve come up with an idea to help them.’

  She wanted to ask why he was speaking directly to her but knew if she looked around or even batted an eye lid, Alex Chambers would think he had the upper hand.

  Mabel watched him hold a segment of the orange and start to suck gently on it.

  There was no mistaking it; he was trying to see if she would deflect her stare by trying to arouse the orange with his lips. What she did notice is that he had a perfect mouth.

  No signs of dry or cracked skin; just pretty, pink and pouty.

  ‘Where are the costings?’ asked Mabel, letting out a sigh to show she wasn’t impressed. Admittedly, she wondered whether he would give good mouth action where it was needed. He smiled. ‘Why do we need a dating agency?’

  ‘What has that go to do with you?’ Paolo asked, in his snooty manner. ‘You’re here to see if we can spend the money. What do they say, speculate to accumulate?’

  ‘And if I say ‘no’ then what happens?’ she replied, staring at the jumped up little public-school boy starting to go red. ‘You go to Calum and stomp your foot, saying I’m shredding all your hopes and dreams?’

  There was a hushed silence in the room and she noticed Alex was looking at the remaining orange segments, grinning.

  ‘I frankly don’t care what you do. But if I think the costs are unfeasible and we won’t be able to recoup any of the outgoings, then I have a say. I want a proper breakdown of why, what and when.’ Then she stood up, knowing to put the knife in. ‘That’s if you’re good enough to win the account. We know that’s got nothing to do with me, but down to a very talented pool of people.’ Mabel turned around and mumbled. ‘Who haven’t won a large account in months because you’re so bloody useless.’

  That’s when she realised Joanna, her mother, was standing in the room.

  If looks could kill.

  ‘It’s so hard to love you.’

  Joanna was sipping on a martini after discreetly dragging Mabel out to lunch. ‘You’re so vile to people. Is there any wonder why you never get invited out?’

  ‘I don’t want to be.’

  ‘You can’t be that mean.’

  ‘They’re not exactly nice about me. I don’t like them. It’s a crock of shit.’

  ‘A crock of shit that’s making us money,’ she hissed, her face softening. ‘I hate him for making you into this.’

  Mabel looked around the restaurant, knowing it was out of the way so no-one from the office would see them. Her mother’s blonde hair was vibrantly shiny, and she gave her a big smile before tucking into a salad.

  ‘But you are funny,’ Joanna smirked, shrugging her shoulders. ‘Baby, I want you to be happy.’

  ‘This morning Calum; now you,’ she mumbled, shaking her head before putting it in her hands.

  ‘I think you should see my shrink.’ She felt her mother’s comforting hand on her arm. ‘You’re bottling this all up and venting it at the wrong people.’

  There was a heavy silence as she pushed her face into the linen napkin, hating what was happening in her head and chest.

  By bottling it up was her way of coping.

  Unfortunately, it meant she was prone to panic attacks.

  ‘You need to get out there and meet someone.’ Joanna said, tapping her fingers on the table. She sat up and glared at her mother, staring into the blue eyes. ‘You’re pretty scary when you look at people like that.’

  ‘Can I get a refill? I’m not going back to work. I can’t be bothered.’

  ‘No wonder people don’t like you,’ laughed Joanna. ‘When you’re there, you constantly challenge them. And then you’re not.’

  ‘I still do the work,’ she said defensively. ‘I was happy a few hours a day, three times a week. But no, you want me to focus on doing more work. Get my mind off my car crash of a marriage, hoping it would make things better. It hasn’t.’

  ‘God child, if I had known how much trouble you would have caused your brother, do you think I would have bloody well suggested it?’

  Mabel smiled at Joanna’s red face and noticed she looked flummoxed.

  ‘All people do is complain about you. Some of us know you’re kind and caring. Most of the new people think you’re a mental bitch. How do you think I feel when people tell me this?’

  ‘Smug because you know I am?’ she grinned, seeing her mother gesture to the waiter to get another drink.

  ‘I want to smash their faces in! Mash them into a pulp because they're horrible about my little girl!’ Joanna said defiantly. ‘Then I see you in action, like today, ripping that Paolo chap to pieces, and I know what they mean.’

  ‘Can I reduce my hours?’ she asked, seeing the older woman frown. ‘I’m not needed.’

  ‘My darling child, this is where you are very good. Finding all the loop holes, seeing what they’re hiding in the costs. We’ve done so well since you properly came on board.’

  ‘Someone else can do my job. And there’s profit share,’ she said, seeing her mother’s eyes widen. ‘Instead of putting it somewhere safe for me, hand it over.’

  ‘I bloody well won’t!’ barked Joanna, knocking back her martini. ‘That’s the reason I put it away, so you can get off your arse and join the world of commerce.’

  Mabel tried not to let out a massive huff.

  ‘The girls mentioned to me they think you drink too much,’ her mother whispered, making Mabel turn her head sharply. ‘Personally, in your shoes, I don’t blame you.’

  ‘How can I turn this around and move on? It’s not that straight forward.’

  ‘Time is a healer and-.’

  ‘Bollocks, time is not!’ she hissed, sitting up. ‘It heightens what you’ve lost. I nursed him when he had prostate cancer.’

  ‘Oh, I know.’ Joanna put her fork down. ‘It was a terrible time.’

  ‘And when he said he wanted to freeze his semen so we could try for a baby when he got better, it was a focus for both of us.’

  ‘It was incredibly deceitful,’ Joanna whispered. ‘And he knows what he did was wrong. He even asked for you to take him back when he realised what life would be like with that woman. You refused, remember?’

  ‘Then he went ahead and got married!’

  ‘You’ve seen the size of Tafari’s muscles, she’s like an African warrior who could kill an elephant with their bare hands. I would have married her as I’d be scared not to.’ Her mother closed her eyes. ‘And you couldn’t forgive him, that’s what the problem was. Some people make mistakes. You have to learn to forgive.’

  ‘Why?’ Mabel asked, getting annoyed. ‘If they truly love you and care, they won’t hurt you.’

  ‘We are only human. It’s in our DNA. And the thing is, you desperately need to be loved. Without it you turn into this,’ said her mother, looking upset.

  ‘I can be nice.’ Mabel took a hefty slurp of wine. ‘I don’t have a drinking problem, but I should, all things considered.’

  Joanna stared at her tearfully, letting out a little shudder.

  ‘I know you’re still in pain.’ She touched Mabel’s hand. ‘But it’s going to eat you up and destroy you.’

  ‘How was I to know he would defrost his spunk behind my back and give it to the bloody giant?’ The tears suddenly splashed down her face. ‘What sort of man does that and still sleeps in your bed? We celebrated when he was
better and within a week, he tells me this. How the fuck can I move on knowing he had a child with someone else when it should have been mine?’

  ‘It wasn’t right.’

  ‘And when we divorced I couldn’t say he committed adultery, could I? How many people can cite a Petri dish and a test tube as part of the split? He hadn’t even screwed her!’

  ‘That’s because he couldn’t get it up due to the treatment,’ said Joanna smugly. ‘Serves him right.’

  ‘But he allowed his semen to go with her big brown egg and not mine. How shit is that? And you seriously think I should have forgiven him?’

  ‘Oh.’

  Mabel couldn’t hide the disappointment of seeing Wes on her doorstep Sunday morning after he dropped off the girls. It was Lottie who seemed unsure about them speaking. ‘Where’s your mum? Isn’t she well?’

  ‘She had to see someone at church,’ he said, avoiding eye contact. ‘How are you?’

  ‘Fine.'

  There was nothing she could say.

  To be honest, she didn’t want to speak.

  ‘Thanks for dropping them off. Girls say good bye to your father.’

  ‘Bye dad!’ the girls shouted.

  Mabel figured they didn’t want to get in the middle of the crossfire.

  He looked as beautiful as ever. His dark brown skin and shaved head with sharp cheekbones. The man was edible but she didn’t fancy him anymore.

  Every time she laid eyes on him, the vision of his semen on a Petri dish with his giant woman’s egg came into her head.

  That was enough to make her want to spit blood and throw up at the same time.

  ‘You’re making roast chicken,’ he asked, sniffing the aroma. ‘I miss that. You made a great roast.’

  ‘You’re a vegetarian so take your bullshit somewhere else,’ Mabel whispered before gently closing the door in his face, before mumbling, ‘Like you did your spunk.’

  There was no way she was going to behave like an adult.

  The damage was irreparable, and he knew it.

  Admittedly three and a half years for Mabel to sulk could be a little over the top.

  Once he had his child and used the name they would have called their son, she knew he was a selfish and uncaring bastard.