Hard to Love

by S M Mala

  Edward.

  That’s what she wanted to call their future baby.

  It was as if Wes was rubbing salt into a very sore wound and secretly enjoying it.

  ‘You could have asked him in,’ Lottie said, still her daddy’s girl. The big brown eyes made Mabel feel guilty and she let out a long sigh. ‘I wish you would talk. I miss you both laughing.’

  ‘He can do that with his new wife, your step-mother.’

  The angry stare from her eldest said it all. Then she noticed Jess walk up behind her and frown.

  ‘We call her Tafari because that’s her name,’ huffed Jess, folding her arms. ‘As well as the ethnic equivalent to sweetcorn’s jolly green giant; the miserable brown giant.’ Her child grinned.

  ‘She tells us what to do, goes on about going to church and all that rubbish. Dad says she’s an African princess.’ Lottie’s angry expression said it all.

  ‘She works at the Royal George as a nursing assistant; that’s how royal she is,’ Jess cheekily replied.

  ‘Your Granny Baba will be pleased her family are related to someone worthy of her son,’ mumbled Mabel, knowing her mother in law boasted about it.

  ‘Why do we have to go there?’ asked Lottie, shrugging and looking sadly at her mum.

  ‘Because that’s what we agreed,’ she said, hugging her child and kissing her forehead. ‘Your dad wants to see you two nights a week, once a fortnight. No matter what, he’s a good father. A lousy husband, but that goes without saying.’

  Both the girls looked at her as if she had said something outrageous.

  ‘When you both get older and some man, or woman, hurts your feelings, you’ll understand my level of being bitter and twisted,’ she said with a bright smile. ‘Then you won’t look at me as if I’ve said something truly nasty.’

  ‘It’s because you’re sad,’ said Jess, turning and walking away. ‘You’re hitting out at people to show your pain.’

  Taking a very large deep breath, she smiled at Lottie, who was still in her arms.

  ‘Don’t ever go out with anyone. Stay single and all will be fine. I never want you to go through heartbreak; it’s the worst thing that can happen.’

  ‘I miss my daddy,’ Lottie said, starting to cry. ‘I really do.’

  ‘On the plus side, that means you’ll appreciate me more!’

  ‘I don’t think he’s happy,’ the child sobbed. ‘Tafari is mean to him. He’s tired and I’m worried he’s going to get ill again.’

  ‘Oh baby, don’t upset yourself. Your father looks well. With a small child and two teenagers, it’s tough.’

  ‘I know Tafari doesn’t like us going there. She mentioned that Eddie needs a bigger room.’

  ‘Then let her contribute to getting a bigger house.’

  When they divorced, Tafari complained about the size of Mabel’s home compared to her pokey flat. The woman hadn’t realised Mabel contributed to buying the house (as did her mother, but she wasn’t going to tell the sperm stealer that piece of information).

  Knowing Lottie took the upheaval badly, Mabel also blamed Wes for this. She was going to make sure her child was comforted from feeling the pain of the split.

  Guiding her to the sofa, she sat Lottie down and wiped her face with a tissue.

  ‘I love you both with all my heart. I want you to be happy and that’s my job in life.’

  ‘Thing is, mother, we know he’s not. You can tell,’ Jess said from the kitchen, poking her nose in the cupboards to check out what to snack on. ‘And who’s going to make you happy other than a crate of wine?’

  ‘Very funny,’ Mabel replied, seeing what the child was implying. ‘You two will. If you’re good, do well at school, don’t get into trouble, avoid men and drugs but not in that order, and-.’

  ‘Okay, all that stuff,’ Jess sighed, opening a large packet of chips and coming back to sit down in the armchair. ‘But we’ll get older, head off to college and university, and then where does that leave you?’

  ‘No cooking, cleaning, washing. The list is endless!’

  ‘I’m not leaving mum,’ Lottie said, clasping Mabel’s hand. ‘You can go, Jess. You’re planning to leave as soon as you turn eighteen. I know.’

  She looked at Jess, her little baby, rolling her eyes, and knew who she reminded her of.

  Mabel when she was her age.

  ‘You have to live life, not just exist,’ came the wise reply. ‘But mum, what about you? Surely you need to find someone to share your life with.’

  ‘Why should I? I met your father when I was twenty-three, and can I remind you girls, that’s far too young to get hooked up. Before I know it, we’re married and I had two beautiful children. Of course, I put them up for adoption and took you two on.’ She laughed seeing the girls grimace at her old joke. ‘Too many people I know just rebound into bad relationships. I want you to be very happy. You come first, nothing else.’

  ‘Sounds pitiful,’ sighed Jess, dangling her legs over the arm of the chair. ‘You should be looking for a man.’

  ‘No, she shouldn’t!’ snapped Lottie, getting angry. ‘We’ve lost one parent; we don’t need to lose another one!’

  Mabel looked at Lottie, realising what was going through her head.

  She truly thought she had lost her father to someone else.

  ‘Listen, any man who wants to step into this house is going to have to get your approval first,’ she said, looking at Lottie. ‘He’s going to have to be someone really special.’

  ‘But you don’t want someone else, do you?’ Lottie asked with tears in her eyes. ‘Then we won’t be a family anymore.’

  ‘I’ll never break us up. Never.’

  ‘Give it time, mother,’ mumbled Jess with a mischievous grin. ‘You know what your oldies are like. Just look at Grandma Joanna. She’s always got some old dude on her beck and call! And who said geriatrics don’t have fun, aye?’

  ‘He wants some of them to go under cover.’

  Mabel was sitting with one of Alex’s assistant, Heidi, going through costings in her office. ‘To try out the dating agency.’

  ‘I feel sorry for anyone who gets lumbered with that,’ Mabel laughed out and looked at the clock. She was due to meet Bob in an hour. ‘I’m sure some people will make the most of it.’

  Heidi got up, taking her laptop.

  ‘Shall I tell Alex all is okay with the estimates?’ she meekly asked, tucking her fine blonde hair behind her ears. She was very slim and pretty, just the type of girl you would expect to work in an advertising agency. ‘Or do you want to tell him?’

  ‘I’m sure he doesn’t care what I think.’

  Then she noticed Alex was standing not too far, looking at them before a quizzical expression crossed his face. Watching Heidi walk away, she noticed the young woman went straight up to him. He stared at Mabel before turning and walking to his office.

  It was the first time she realised she could see where he sat.

  Which meant he could see her.

  ‘That’s not good,’ she said, knowing every other angle had been covered.

  He was placed in a different position to his predecessor (the one they had to make a legal agreement to leave because he was shockingly rubbish at his job).

  Her phone rang.

  It was Bob.

  ‘Hello,’ she whispered, trying not to smile. ‘Are you blowing me out?’

  ‘I’d like you to blow me off, but I’ve been called to a meeting. I won’t be back until about six. Do you want to go to mine and warm yourself up for my arrival?’

  Bitterly disappointed, she needed a good session.

  ‘It’s okay, we can meet in a fortnight,’ she whispered. ‘I was looking forward to it. See you soon.’

  ‘Not before I see you.’

  ‘Who was that?’ Calum asked, poking his head into her office as she put down her phone. ‘You were showing more teeth than usual, and there was a friendly tone. Can’t be anyone that works here.’

  ‘What do you
want?’

  ‘Can’t you even be polite to me?’ he asked, walking in and sitting on the edge of her table.

  ‘Get your arse off my desk,’ she hissed, making sure no-one could hear. ‘I’m going soon.’

  ‘You have to go come out for drinks tonight, okay?’

  ‘Not ‘okay’.’

  Mabel searched on her laptop for films to see that afternoon.

  ‘You’re not doing anything else,’ he smirked.

  ‘I’m going to the cinema so I don’t know what time the film will finish.’

  ‘Eight o’clock.’ Calum cleared his throat. That was a bad sign. ‘Mum says if you don’t turn up, she’ll track you down and drag you there.’ He stood up. ‘You’ve been told.’

  ‘I have no choice, do I?’

  ‘And make an effort. Wear something nice.’

  ‘Why? No-one’s going to look at me.’

  ‘You’re late.’

  Joanna air kissed Mabel. ‘And you look so pretty!’

  Knowing her mother didn’t trust her, Mabel made an effort and put on a dress. She watched the smile light up Joanna’s face and scowled in response.

  ‘Smile, my beauty, smile,’ she said, eyeing her up and down. ‘If you’re lucky, you might get chatted up. But not with a face like that. Go get a drink.’

  ‘You look lovely too,’ Mabel replied, seeing her mother’s slim physique was kitted out in a designer outfit, her hair newly fixed and the make-up, immaculately executed.

  It put Mabel’s dab of powder and smear of lipstick to shame.

  Taking a deep breath, and seeing some of the clients and agency people, Mabel walked into the room.

  Heading to the bar, she got a glass of wine. Keeping her smile fixed for an hour wouldn’t be too arduous, if she stood by a waiter with canapés and made sure she was close to the booze.

  Calum caught her eye as he gave her a warning glance before looking at his watch.

  This she knew to be his indication she was being watched and could not escape before being given the all clear.

  She scowled and shoved some olives into her mouth.

  Slowly but surely, she watched the people chatter and laugh. It was good sitting in the peripheral and not joining in. You could see what people really thought about each other.

  How the women tried to outdo each other on the alluring stakes.

  The men thinking they held gravitas due to their inflated self-importance.

  Then the agency people practically sticking their tongues up someone’s arse to show how wonderful they were.

  It was quite sad if it weren’t down to the fact the whole operation was based on one thing.

  To make money for all and sundry.

  ‘Is that what you do? Keep very still so no-one will see or speak to you?’ she heard someone ask, realising who it was.

  Mabel turned to see Alex standing behind her.

  He looked drop dead handsome in a suit, shirt and no tie. His hair was a little dishevelled, and he was sipping what looked and smelled like Cointreau.

  She hadn’t noticed he was in the room, but lots of others had, from the admiring glances.

  ‘You have to mingle. It’s part of your job,’ she quietly replied, grabbing some food off a passing tray. ‘I’m getting free dinner. And it’s bad for your credibility to hang out with me.’

  ‘Heidi told me you were very kind to her this afternoon. She’s the only one who says nice things about you. The rest of my team think you’re in the agency to spoil their fun.’

  ‘That’s not me. You’re thinking of Human Resources.’

  ‘They say you have a mean streak regarding production costs.’

  ‘That’s why Calum hired me.’

  ‘And I thought he hired you because you’re the ex-wife of a friend of his.’

  Trying hard to hide a massive gulp in her throat knowing the friend was Wes, she took a swig of wine.

  ‘He felt sorry for me,’ she eventually replied, looking into her glass.

  ‘I think that’s rubbish if you ask me. I know you’ve worked on and off since having your children. When you decided to work more hours, everything started turning around.’

  ‘I was given an ultimatum to increase my hours.’ She caught her mother looking over. ‘Joanna is very persuasive.’

  ‘I see the boss lady is coming over.’

  Mabel smiled at her mother openly eyeing up Alex.

  ‘So, no hot and sweaty sex to make your fanny sore this afternoon?’ he whispered, making Mabel choke as she sipped her drink.

  He automatically slapped her back hard as she tried to inhale, but not before flashing him a dirty look.

  ‘Darling, are you all right?’ Joanna asked, graciously putting out her hand as Alex kissed it. ‘My, don’t you look handsome.’ She fluttered her eyelids. ‘Don’t you think so Mabel? And why didn’t you ever say you lived near Alex?’

  ‘Why would I?’

  ‘Don’t you travel on the same bus?’

  ‘We do, but Alex sits upstairs and I sit downstairs.’

  ‘Why can’t you sit together?’

  ‘Really?’ Mabel glared at her mother. ‘It’s not fair on Alex to hear me twittering on about figures. He has far more interesting things to do. And you know I like to spend the time prepping for work.’

  ‘I thought you spent time playing games on your tablet,’ Alex said, grinning at the pair.

  ‘Oh, I hate those things,’ Joanna said, pulling a face then her eyes lit up. ‘Alex, I must introduce you to someone. And Mabel, lovely to speak to you again.’

  ‘Pleasure!’ she said, raising her empty glass and getting it refilled by a passing waiter.

  Now she was in the position to look at Alex Chambers being charming and friendly. He had the most engaging smile, and it was like watching a magnet pulling in little iron filings.

  She couldn’t fathom out why he was speaking to her.

  Then he glanced over and smiled.

  ‘Conceited shit,’ she mumbled into her glass, checking her watch.

  Mabel realised if she walked slowly around the room, it would kill time. Plus, there were new trays of canapés being served. She smiled at a few familiar faces before discreetly making an exit.

  Getting her coat, she waved a quick goodbye to Joanna, who was with one of their biggest clients. Mabel knew her mother would be unable to move, and it was the perfect time to go.

  Then she saw Calum talking to Alex. Her brother managed to catch her eye and beckoned her.

  ‘Hello, Calum. I have to go,’ she said, putting out her palm, waiting for him to shake it.

  Instead he grabbed it with both his hands.

  ‘Leaving so soon?’ he asked, giving her a discreet Chinese burn, as she bit her lip. He was always good at doing that since they were kids. ‘Not got anything planned.’

  ‘As a single mother of two children, it’s not that easy.’

  Mabel stuck her sharp nail in the palm of his hand and watched him flinch. Calum glared as Alex looked at them quizzically.

  ‘And lovely to speak to you again,’ she said, shaking Alex’s hand. ‘Have a good weekend.’

  ‘What are you doing this weekend?’ Calum asked, smiling sweetly at her.

  ‘Going to the gym then cinema.’

  ‘Again?’

  ‘I like going to the cinema.’

  ‘You need another outlet,’ Calum said, leaning back to speak to Alex, before grinning. ‘She’d be ideal.’

  ‘I’d be ideal for what?’

  ‘Never mind. See you next week.’

  Knowing her brother was up to no good, she walked away towards the cab rank.

  ‘You don’t mind sharing?’ she heard Alex ask from behind. ‘I’ve got someone coming to stay tomorrow, so I need to tidy up.’

  ‘I see, that was your excuse. I’ll try that next time.’

  ‘No, I really have got someone coming to stay. You don’t like these things?’

  ‘I was told I had to attend because it�
��s part of my job. I don’t know why I have to be there.’

  ‘As a representative of senior management.’

  ‘Makes me sound old.’

  ‘Aren’t we all?’

  ‘Are you on the good side of forty or the bad side?’ she asked, looking out for a taxi.

  ‘I take it you’re on the bad side?’

  ‘Forty-one and counting.’

  ‘I’m on the good side. Thirty-eight and not counting.’

  ‘Thirty-eight?’ Mabel remembered what she did on that birthday.

  It was when Wes had left her.

  Her mother had baby sat the girls while she got drunk with her best friend, Iona. That was the only way she could face any celebrations.

  And it was a bitter pill to swallow that day.

  While lost in thought, he managed to hail down a cab and push her inside.

  After putting on the seatbelt, she noticed he was looking at her.

  This time there was no smile but as if he was mulling something over.

  ‘I have an eight-year-old daughter called Rose,’ he said, still staring. ‘She’s coming to stay tomorrow night. I don’t have her too often.’

  ‘I would never have thought you were a dad!’ she blurted out, watching his surprise. ‘I thought you were one of those serial daters who when they turn fifty, decide to get married and spread their seed.’

  ‘I’m also a divorcee and know the downside, believe me.’ He laughed a little and glanced out the window. ‘But I’m not as screwed up as you.’

  ‘Pardon?’ she said, thinking she heard incorrectly.

  ‘You heard,’ he laughed, turning to look at her. ‘The way you act and behave; this stuck-up aura that’s totally bullshit because you’re just angry and upset. And hurting. You’re really hurting.’

  ‘I don’t think a handful of conversations and office gossip can give you an insight into my mental and emotional well-being, thanks very much!’

  ‘And you’re defensive.’

  ‘Listen, Alex Chambers. I don’t need you or anyone to tell me how I’m feeling. I know it. The problem is no-one else does, but they presume to tell me how it is and what I should do. I know how I feel!’

  He leaned closer and stared straight into her eyes.

  Alex half smiled, and she realised he was extremely handsome close up.