Hard to Love

by S M Mala

  Mabel stared, unable to speak.

  ‘How long have you been sitting there?’

  ‘You have some serious issues and I can see why. Your ex-husband is some hell of a man. My team were salivating, both boys and girls. Even I felt a little action in my pants when I looked at him. No wonder you’re bitter and twisted.’

  She blinked in response and continued staring out the window.

  ‘It must have been something urgent for him to dice with death to come and see you.’

  ‘I need to get pissed,’ she whispered, knowing there was a lot to think about. ‘Our meaningful conversations will have to wait.’ Mabel looked at the clock, and it was coming up to a quarter to noon. ‘Fucking bastard.’

  Getting up, she slammed down the top of her laptop and threw it into her case before grabbing her coat and bag, then headed out.

  Calum was standing at the door, looking at her.

  ‘Don’t you dare speak to me!’ she hissed to her brother. ‘Traitor!’

  Before he could answer, she ran down the stairs and stormed through the reception until she was out of the building.

  All she wanted to do was go to her local pub and drink wine and eat, thickly cut, fries.

  And think hard about what her ex had told her.

  Mabel hated the fact he made her feel sorry for him.

  That really pissed her off.

  Taking the tube and knowing it was faster than a bus, she headed to the pub.

  The girls were with Wes that evening, so she had the time to mull things over.

  Getting to her local and seeing the early lunch trade start, she ordered a bottle of wine, some bread and a bowl of fries.

  She sat totally still and composed her breathing then closed her eyes, knowing she wouldn’t allow herself to cry. The best thing would be to bottle it up and hope nothing popped out.

  ‘Have you ordered?’

  Alex startled her again for the second time that day and sat opposite, as he poured out a glass of wine for himself.

  ‘What the fuck?’ she gasped. ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘I volunteered to come and see if you were okay. You can walk fast when you want. I’m not needed at work.’

  Her bottling theory then completed failed as she burst into tears after he looked at her sympathetically. She grabbed the linen napkin and held it against her face.

  ‘How could he do this to me!’ she sobbed. ‘He’s such a -.’

  ‘Fucking bastard,’ added Alex, making her laugh through the tears.

  Then her napkin was pulled down, and Alex leaned forward wiping her face with his napkin.

  ‘I’m done now.’ Mabel sunk into her seat. ‘Don’t worry. I have a short outburst, and then it’s gone.’

  Once again, Alex Chambers stared, turning his head to one side as if trying to figure something out. Her food turned up, and so did his nose.

  ‘Fries and bread?’ he asked, starting to smile.

  ‘Easier to eat.’ Mabel took a hot fry and blew on it before dunking it in the aioli. ‘And it’s good food to think about things. Help yourself.’

  ‘I’ll order something else, but thanks for asking.’

  She watched him look at the board before ordering lamb. He sipped his wine and folded his arms on the table, glancing around the room.

  ‘We don’t have to speak. I fancied bunking off, and here I am. And I think you’re in need of company but not in a fit state to ask.’

  She held her head in her hands and sat there, unable to move.

  His food came and went, and she drank some more wine.

  Not a word was uttered.

  All her mind did was turnover what had happened with Wes when he left her; the inward feeling of rage and pain.

  Now he had turned it around with his little health blip, knowing she would have to help for the sake of the kids.

  And she suspected that spunk thief he married kicked him out.

  There was a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

  ‘You see Mabel, when you start dating, you’re going to have to speak to the man. As lovely as it is for me not to hear you say something acerbic, you need to try.’

  ‘He’s such a shit, do you know that? I’ve not really spoken to Wes in years, and he comes in making me feel sorry for him.’

  ‘Is there a type of guy you go for? Both Bob and Wes are similar.’

  ‘They’re black. Is that what you mean?’ she said, rolling her eyes. ‘You think that’s my type?’

  ‘That’s not what I meant,’ he said, calling over a waitress. ‘Hey, can we have another bottle?’ Alex then sunk into his seat, taking a slouched stance while looking at the wine in his glass. ‘Do you want to talk? I can pretend to be interested.’

  ‘Best not to mix professional with personal.’

  Mabel sipped her wine. She was still cold stone sober.

  ‘You don’t want to talk?’

  ‘I don’t have a type of man,’ she mumbled, eating some fries. ‘I like men who like me. I love men who love me. Pretty needy and shameful in your eyes I guess.’

  ‘He upset you,’ whispered Alex.

  ‘He makes me feel like shit as if I did something wrong. It’s not fair.’ Then he did it again, stare at her. This time she touched her face and frowned. ‘Why do you do that?’

  ‘Do what?’

  ‘Look at me as if … oh, it doesn’t matter.’

  ‘It obviously does if it’s upsetting you.’

  ‘You’re not upsetting me!’ she huffed, watching the bottle come to the table as the waitress unscrewed the cap. ‘You just stare at me in a way I think I don’t look right, or I’m different.’

  ‘You are.’

  Again, there was a smile as the waitress walked away from the table, and Alex checked out her backside in tight jeans.

  ‘At least you’re honest,’ she said, knowing any other man wouldn’t be so blatant. ‘We’ll drink this bottle and then you’re done babysitting.’

  ‘You need a coffee.’

  They were standing outside the pub, and it was coming up to three o’clock. ‘Mabel, I can’t let you walk down the road alone. You’re going to stumble over.’

  ‘I’m fine.’

  The second bottle of wine had given her the alcohol injection she needed. It’s when she looked at the missed calls and messages from her mother, brother and Iona; she realised she couldn’t face questions.

  ‘I’m not calling them back,’ she mumbled, stuffing her mobile into the side of her bag. ‘I’ll see you later. Have a nice weekend.’

  ‘Oh no, you don’t.’

  Alex pulled her arm and walked Mabel down the road, towards the block of flats where he lived.

  ‘I’ll get a coffee when I get home,’ she replied, stumbling on the cobble stones that led to the gated entrance. There was a security guy at the front who nodded at Alex. ‘Really, you don’t have to.’

  ‘Unfortunately, I do. Just come to my flat and have tea, coffee or a pint of water, but you need to sober up.’

  ‘The whole idea of going to the pub was to get pissed!’

  ‘Have you got a drinking problem?’ Alex asked turning to look at her.

  ‘Yes! I can’t get enough!’

  ‘Brilliant!’ he said sarcastically. ‘An alcoholic comedian.’

  He walked her through the courtyard and into the building, where he pressed the button to the lift. There was no point putting up a fight because she didn’t have any fight left.

  Stopping on the third floor, he walked her down the corridor and opened the door.

  Alex escorted her into his flat.

  It was as she would expect.

  Stylish, minimal and incredibly expensive. The brightness of white walls and furnishing bouncing off her eyes. Mabel thought it was totally impractical, but a beautiful home.

  She was led to the balcony, where he opened the doors and sat her outside.

  ‘Sit here and keep still while I make coffee,’ he instructed before
walking back into the flat. ‘You need fresh air.’

  Huddled in her coat, she did as she was told and looked out at the view of the green. Then she saw her house from where she was sitting.

  ‘Oh, I can see my home,’ she said excitedly then frowned. ‘The windows need cleaning.’

  Turning, she examined the open plan area, a glass wall separating the bedroom. She could see his bed and pristine white sheets. Mabel knew a lot of action took place there.

  ‘He’s broken up with his wife,’ she said quietly, thinking out loud. ‘And I don’t know what he wants me to do.’

  ‘Your ex?’

  Alex was standing behind her, again watching what she was doing.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘That’s what he came in to tell you?’ Alex walked closer and sat down. ‘What’s he saying? He wants to get back together?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Do you want to get back with him?’

  Mabel slowly shook her head from side to side, staring at her house.

  ‘He cheated on me, and that’s unforgivable,’ she replied, glancing at Alex, who followed her eye line and was looking at the house. ‘How did your marriage break down?’

  ‘I cheated on her.’ He frowned. ‘I made a mistake, but the marriage wasn’t working. I think we ended up disliking each other but kept together for Rose. We divorced five years ago.’

  ‘Why did you cheat?’ Mabel felt a little angry on hearing his news but not surprised.

  ‘When you fall out of love, what do you expect?’ he said, half laughing. ‘I always found it hard to commit, if I’m honest. Even now, when it gets too much I walk away, as if trying to protect myself from getting hurt. I think being put into care, and then losing my mum, made me distrustful.’

  ‘That’s no excuse to two-time someone.’

  ‘The woman I had the affair with was someone I knew from years back. I tried to stop it but couldn’t. At the time, she was separated from her husband, and we got together. I then walked away. She got back with her husband, and they had a child.’

  ‘Could it be yours?’

  ‘That’s an odd question. I might have been stupid when it came to affairs of the heart, but I’m incredibly sensible when it comes to contraception. My sperm is too valuable.’

  ‘That figures.’

  Getting up, he walked away to return with a tray holding two cups and a cafetiere. Mabel watched him pour the coffee and sit back down. She plopped two cubes of sugar into a cup before pouring some milk. She let the aroma waft up her nose before taking a sip.

  ‘I always wanted a normal family because of my background,’ she whispered, looking back at her house. ‘Wes was there and I fell in love. He wants me to make sure I’m on hand to support them when they find out. Somehow, he thinks they’ll be devastated. He’s not the brightest penny.’

  ‘What else did he say? There’s more to it.’

  ‘It doesn’t matter. I’ll have to cope. That’s what I usually do.’

  ‘Lottie, it’s not that bad.’

  Her child was sobbing her heart out on Sunday morning after being dropped off by Wes. ‘Your dad will be fine.’

  ‘It’s because she doesn’t like us!’ she said, her head against Mabel’s chest. ‘I know it and now daddy’s unhappy.’

  ‘Good grief!’ Mabel heard Jess say, standing with her hands on her hips. ‘Granny Baba said there’s more to it.’

  ‘You laughed when he told us,’ she said accusingly. ‘How could you?’

  ‘I thought it was funny,’ shrugged Jess, heading towards the kitchen. ‘When’s lunch?’

  ‘Jess,’ groaned Mabel trying not to smile at her naughty child. ‘That wasn’t very nice.’

  ‘Neither was she. Anyway, we don’t have to pretend to like the fat kid to keep her happy.’

  ‘That’s our brother!’ Lottie said, sitting up straight. ‘You can’t call him names.’

  ‘You don’t like him,’ Jess said, walking back into the living room. ‘The fat, ugly little kid!’

  ‘Mum!’ screamed Lottie, nearly deafening everyone in the room. ‘Tell her not to be nasty!’

  Jess looked at her mother defiantly, and Mabel was at a loss on what to say, other than,

  ‘I think we need a little walk before lunch. How about getting some ice cream from our favourite parlour for dessert?’

  Five minutes it took to get them out of the house as the girls squabbled. Mabel had to walk with two packets of travel tissues just in case Lottie burst into tears at any given moment.

  In the meantime, Jess was walking ahead in her laid-back way.

  ‘Another family has broken up,’ Lottie said, holding her mum’s hand.

  ‘Give it a rest!’ shouted out Jess. ‘Tafari didn’t like us and we didn’t like her. She never made us feel welcome, and we had to put up with it for years. Now we don’t have to visit!’ She put her hands up in the air and pirouetted. ‘How brilliant is that?’

  Mabel pursed her lips together while squeezing Lottie’s hand.

  ‘Did you like Tafari?’ she asked her oldest child. Lottie couldn’t lie to save her life. ‘Was she like that to you?’

  ‘I usually spoke to dad,’ came Lottie’s diplomatic reply. ‘Tafari was busy with Eddie.’

  ‘And what did Jess do?’

  ‘Look at her phone.’

  Knowing not to bring this up with Wes when she saw him next, Mabel felt a little disgruntled that the kids were now telling the truth.

  ‘You know that means you have to go to Baba’s instead, don’t you?’ Mabel said loudly.

  ‘I prefer it than going to where the giant and her fat kid lives,’ laughed Jess.

  ‘Don’t rise to the bait,’ Mabel whispered as Lottie looked angrily at her little sister. ‘You know Jess speaks her mind.’

  ‘Just like you and that’s not such a good thing, is it?’ Lottie replied, taking a tissue and wiping her face.

  Giving her a hug, they walked across the park and over the bridge, before heading down to the main road and in the direction of the ice cream parlour. It was getting busy as they slowly strolled to their destination.

  Then she saw Alex with a little girl. The child looked upset, and Alex seemed pissed off then she burst into tears. He looked at a loss on what to do, looking up into the sky then back down.

  ‘But I don’t like that pizza,’ she sobbed.

  ‘Look, let’s go in and give it a try.’

  ‘I don’t want to.’

  ‘What do we have here?’ Mabel said walking up to them. Alex did a double take. ‘Hello Rose, I’m Mabel.’ The tears dripped down her face and Mabel realised she looked like her dad. Bending down, she took out her packet of tissues and wiped her face. ‘Are you all right?’

  She shook her head from side to side then glanced up at Alex.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ asked Mabel, seeing Alex look at her daughters and then down at his own.

  ‘I don’t like that pizza because it’s soggy in the middle,’ Rose sniffed. Mabel examined the dark brown eyes and hair. She was a pretty little thing. ‘And daddy wants me to go there.’

  ‘Yeah, they’re really soggy. It’s like eating wet cloth,’ Lottie agreed, nodding furiously. ‘I don’t like it in there either.’

  ‘It’s a place for the oldies to go,’ replied Jess, looking at the little girl. ‘Because they have no teeth.’

  Rose started to laugh, and Mabel looked up at the father, staring out into space.

  ‘Do you like ice-cream?’ Mabel asked, seeing her nod while wiping her stray tears away. ‘We’re going to get some for our dessert.’ Then she glanced at Alex, shoving his hands in his pockets and rocking on his heels. ‘Girls, this is Alex. He works with Calum. And this is Rose. Say hello.’

  ‘Hi,’ Jess said, her hand on her hip as Lottie stepped closer to Rose.

  Lottie liked children. She had the patience of a saint compared to Jess and Mabel.

  ‘Hello Rose, I’m Lottie and this is Jess.’ Lottie was now
smiling and her woes from fifteen minutes ago seemed to have gone. ‘Do you live near here?’

  ‘I live in Twickenham, and I see daddy every three weeks,’ gulped Rose, starting to smile.

  ‘Do you have brothers and sisters?’ Lottie sweetly asked. ‘I have a sister and a brother.’

  ‘Yeah, the fat ugly kid,’ Jess piped up as Lottie rolled her eyes.

  ‘I don’t have a brother or a sister,’ replied Rose sweetly.

  ‘You’re better off, I’m telling you,’ said Jess, starting to laugh.

  ‘I see who she takes after,’ Alex said, looking at the child then the mother. ‘So, you’re having ice-cream for lunch?’

  ‘No, we’re having roast chicken for lunch but Lottie was upset, so I thought we needed a walk,’ replied Mabel, standing up slowly. ‘Do you like roast chicken, Rose?’

  ‘I love roast chicken.’

  ‘Would you like to join us for lunch? We don’t live far from you.’ Mabel then looked at Alex. ‘Unless you want to feed the child soggy pizza.’

  ‘That’s too much trouble,’ he shrugged, starting to frown. ‘We’ll go somewhere else, like the local pub.’

  ‘Can we go to theirs for roast chicken, please daddy?’ asked Rose and Mabel noticed the child slipped her hand into Lottie’s.

  Letting out a sigh, Mabel recalled when her children were that sweet. It seemed an age ago. Then she noticed Jess eyeing up some young boys walking down the road.

  ‘Alex, we have more than enough. I cook the largest chicken and then force feed the girls sandwiches for days on end. I do a good roast.’ She waited to see what he would say. ‘Or let Rose come with us, and you can do your thing, whatever that is.’

  ‘Fine,’ he said, breaking out into a smile. ‘Lunch with four females should be interesting.’

  ‘And you work with mum?’

  Jess was sitting next to Alex as they had lunch. Rose and Lottie seemed to be joined at the hip as Mabel looked on. ‘I bet that’s fun.’ There was no mistaking the hint of sarcasm in her voice. ‘I think the advertising industry is bred on lies.’

  ‘Yes, it is,’ he replied, eating and smiling at Jess. ‘But there is truth there. People want you to buy things so we have to make it appealing.’

  Mabel noticed he constantly looked at Rose. She got the impression he was shocked every time he glanced over as if unable to believe she was there.