Hard to Love

by S M Mala

For the remaining forty-five minutes, she watched the film between her fingers until the end credits came.

  She felt like she had been on a roller coaster ride.

  Eventually, he removed her hands from her face as Mabel turned to see him smiling.

  ‘I can’t do violence or horror. I can’t stand romantic comedies. I like everything else.’ She took a deep breath. ‘And I’m a little squeamish.’

  ‘I think I’m in need of a large drink,’ he said, closing his eyes. It was clear he was trying not to laugh. ‘I’ll remember it for next time.’

  They both got to their feet and walked out of the foyer into the large shopping centre.

  ‘Let’s go,’ he said, grabbing her hand and dragging Mabel out. ‘I hate Saturday shoppers.’

  ‘That’s why I come on Friday afternoons or Saturday mornings.’

  ‘So, you go to the kid’s morning club.’

  Alex laughed and looked at her.

  Mabel couldn’t help it but started to laugh at his expression.

  ‘Shall I take you out for a late lunch?’ she asked, wondering if he would let go of her hand. ‘There’s a McDonalds. I know you love them.’

  ‘As you’re offering, let’s go back our way and go to the local. I fancy fish and chips.’

  They crossed the road and he led her to the bus stop, that’s when he released her hand quickly.

  And she realised why.

  Paolo and a friend were walking towards them. Mabel knew the cue was to walk away so it didn’t look like they were standing together. She went to the back of the bus shelter and pretended to look at her phone.

  The three men were chatting and laughing.

  When Paolo walked past, he gave her an almighty filthy look before muttering something to his friend.

  She watched Alex get on the bus as she followed.

  He went upstairs and she stayed downstairs.

  For a moment, just as they left the cinema, she was elated.

  Something she hadn’t felt in years.

  Now she was deflated.

  A feeling that had been prevalent for many years.

  Mabel stared out the window, remembering that’s how she once felt about Wes. Her mind wandered to when she saw him the previous day. She took out her phone and texted him.

  ‘Have you told Baba?’

  ‘Yes,’ was the quick response.

  ‘Did you explain what was going on?’

  This time he didn’t reply so quickly, and then the message came through.

  ‘I need you to sit with me when I tell her. You know what she’s like. Can you come around this week?’

  Again, he was exploiting her good nature but she realised she was stuffed.

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Who are you texting?’ Alex asked, sitting next to her. ‘I thought you’d come upstairs.’

  ‘When have you ever seen me do that?’ she asked, realising not to fall for his bi-polar charm, given he changed his mind frequently. ‘I noticed you were deeply embarrassed to be seen with me.’

  ‘Is that what you think?’

  ‘And that little shit gave me some filthy look.’

  ‘He’s not a fan.’

  ‘But he is of yours, isn’t he?’

  Alex turned to look at her as she put the phone in her bag. Then he grabbed her hand and held it.

  ‘Why are you doing that?’ she asked, trying to pull her palm away.

  ‘Because I think you need to be shown things due to your inability to understand.’

  That comment confused her as she looked at him.

  ‘I don’t get you,’ she mumbled, watching him smile. ‘Why do you want to spend time with me?’

  ‘We’re not spending time together and don’t mistake this for friendship.’

  ‘Well, that told me,’ she mumbled, letting out a large sigh.

  ‘It’s just company.’

  For the rest of the journey, he held her hand, even helping her off the bus.

  Then she let go when they approached the pub, but he grabbed her hand back and walked in, asking to be sat at a table.

  Being two regulars, she noticed that some of the waiting staff looked quizzically at them.

  As soon as they were seated, he let go.

  ‘How did that feel?’ he asked, picking up the menu and glancing at it. ‘Has he started holding your hand?’

  ‘He’s doing it now but you can’t see as he’s invisible,’ she quickly answered. ‘What plans have you got for this evening? Off on a date with some hot young stuff?’

  ‘Is that what you think I do?’ he asked, peering over the menu.

  ‘It goes with the territory.’

  ‘And again, you’re wrong.’

  ‘What are you doing tonight?’

  ‘Going to a party.’ Alex grinned. ‘Some friends from college are having a house warming.’

  Mabel looked at his smile and frowned.

  ‘How are you, Alex? How’s your mum coping?’ Instantly, his face changed. ‘Sorry, I just wanted to know.’

  ‘No-one knows about it at work. Thanks for not letting on.’ He looked sad. She wished she could hug him. ‘And I’ll go and see her when I can with Rose. That will cheer her up.’

  ‘And you?’

  ‘I’m getting my head around it.’ Alex then looked straight at her. ‘Thanks for asking.’

  She realised it wasn’t something he wanted to speak about.

  After ordering food and drinking a bottle and a half of wine, they were chatting away about nothing. It was quickly noticeable that she didn’t need to think about what to say, as she would with Bob, Lee and even Wes.

  Anything that came out of her mouth didn’t matter because Alex gave her a look to show it was semi-amusing.

  And as they spoke, she realised he was a lovely man.

  This was the last thing she expected.

  Plus, he was very attractive and sexy, in a lovely flirtatious way, if not to her, but to every waitress that came to the table.

  Plus, other women were trying hard to make eye contact with him, and he knew it.

  ‘I better head home after this,’ she said, pouring the last of the wine. ‘You need to have a nap before you head off out.’

  ‘Thanks, mum.’ Alex was fiddling with his napkin. ‘Mabel are you okay?’

  ‘Yes. Why?’

  ‘I don’t know you that well but something is troubling you. Is it your ex?’

  Sitting there, a bit stunned he said it, she couldn’t hide the concern.

  ‘It is about my ex but not what you think. He’s put me on the spot about something and I’m not quite sure what to do.’ She was met with raised eyebrows. ‘Nothing like that, no. That’s well off the cards.’

  ‘Why? He’s a free man.’ Then he cleared his voice. ‘He didn’t cheat on you, did he? He chose to allow his sperm to impregnate another woman. That’s not adultery, is it?’

  ‘What would you call it?’ she replied, getting instantly annoyed. ‘A misunderstanding? He divorced me and married her.’

  ‘Who asked for the divorce?’

  ‘I did, even when he told me he had made a mistake and wanted me to forgive him, I couldn’t.’ Mabel glanced away and rubbed her temples. ‘It was such a monumental betrayal of trust, and then the baby.’

  ‘But he didn’t screw her, did he?’ Alex said and she shot him a dirty glance. He held up his hands in the air. ‘Okay, I feel your pain.’

  ‘He didn’t screw her because he couldn’t get it up for a year while he was poorly.’ Mabel realised what she had said. ‘So, no, he didn’t screw her let alone me. I expect he didn’t screw her until after they were married, based on the recovery rate for impotency.’

  ‘Oh?’ His face was a picture and he folded his arms on the table, leaning forward. ‘Oh!’

  ‘Yes, well there wasn’t a lot of ‘oh!’ coming from me. Or even coming!’

  Alex started to laugh and put his hand over his mouth.

  ‘Every time I see bananas, I think of
you. Now I get it why you were sleeping with that hound dog Bob Jones. All sex and no commitment.’

  ‘That’s not what I want. What Wes did hurt. The fact I’m even speaking to him is a miracle.’

  ‘Why are you then?’

  ‘For the sake of our girls, that’s why.’

  ‘It’s not my fault!’

  Mabel looked in fury as Baba started to shout the odds.

  ‘It is your fault for being a bad wife and not giving him a son!’

  ‘Mum, can you please stop?’

  They were in Baba’s living room, and Mabel knew the reaction was solely down to shock.

  ‘Mabel wanted me to tell you. I didn’t want to say a thing. In a few weeks, I go in, and it’ll be fine. I’ll be out the next day or even the same day.’ Wes smiled at his mother who looked like she was going to stomp the place down.

  ‘And you want her to be there and not your own mother?’ Baba gasped, grabbing her chest. Mabel rolled her eyes at the fake heart attack. ‘I can’t breathe.’

  ‘I wish,’ mumbled Mabel as Wes gave her a warning look.

  ‘Take me!’ the old woman said dramatically. ‘She will only make it worse.’

  ‘I swear I’m going to lynch her,’ said Mabel as Wes glanced away.

  Even when Wes explained what was happening, he was holding back something, and she couldn’t figure out what.

  ‘And what about your wife? You should be asking her, not Mabel!’

  ‘Mum, I need to speak to Mabel alone,’ he said, standing up and walking to the short, stout lady. ‘Give me five minutes and then we can talk.’

  Begrudgingly, Baba walked out and looked like she was going to cry.

  Within thirty seconds, they could hear her howling from the bedroom.

  ‘She did that when we got married. Now I know why.’ Mabel turned to Wes. ‘You’re lying about this. Please don’t insult my intelligence, okay?’

  He looked at his firmly clasped hands.

  That’s when she knew it was bad.

  ‘My heart is going into failure,’ he said as she took a sharp intake of breath. ‘By having this operation, it will make it a little stronger. I’ve had this condition for a while and knew before I was diagnosed with cancer there was a problem.’

  ‘But you decided not to tell me?’ she said, trying not to choke on her shocked tears.

  ‘You had enough to worry about.’

  ‘You simply are a selfish bastard, aren’t you?’

  ‘That’s why we never had sex,’ he whispered as she looked at him in utter shock. ‘I was told be careful.’

  ‘And humping that half woman, half man you married would have certainly helped.’

  ‘Don’t be like that, and you know I didn’t.’

  She couldn’t believe what she heard and stood up.

  ‘Where are you going?’ he asked, looking up with his large big brown puppy eyes.

  ‘You just don’t know when to stop taking, do you?’ Mabel took a deep breath. ‘You want me to lie and now you want me to hold your hand, over your mother and wife. The thing with you, you’ve always asked for too much, and I’ve given in.’

  ‘People are going to talk.’

  Mabel was sitting drinking coffee at her desk when Alex came in to see her. ‘Think about your reputation.’

  ‘I’m enhancing yours while tarnishing mine.’

  They had spent a lot of time together recently, and she realised he was good at worming his way in.

  For Sunday lunch with or without Rose.

  Gate crashing her trips to the cinema.

  Sitting with her at lunch time or when she had a coffee.

  And she desperately needed the distraction because she was internally worried sick about Wes but mainly her children. They knew something was up.

  ‘We’re not friends,’ he said, sitting down next to her. ‘How’s the imaginary boyfriend? What happened last night?’ Mabel frowned not wanting to say. ‘That bad?’

  ‘It’s personal.’

  Mabel certainly didn’t want Alex to know she met with Lee and was bored.

  He spoke about his life and work and hobbies and sports and family.

  Not once did he ask about her.

  And frankly she didn’t want to talk, so it was a win, win situation.

  Then he tried to slip his tongue in as they kissed goodnight.

  All in all, she had seen him five times and wondered why he kept wanting to meet up.

  But she knew why.

  Lee thought he had a chance of getting his end away, given her poor lack of responses.

  And on the second date, he kissed her on the cheek, until the last time when they French kissed, and he squeezed her arse. He kissed well, but it didn’t turn her on though she pretended it did.

  ‘Have you had sex?’

  ‘No!’ she hissed. ‘Don’t say it out loud.’

  Alex grabbed her tablet and looked at the emails, frowning each time he read one.

  ‘If you don’t want to see him, then just say.’ He eyed her suspiciously. ‘But I bet you won’t, down to your needy pride.’

  ‘I am not needy!’

  ‘Listen to me. If he hasn’t even touched your buttons after five dates, what does that say?’

  ‘He’s a gentleman,’ she replied, knowing Lee did try to have a quick feel a few times as she played coy. ‘Or he doesn’t fancy me, which is fine, and then we can be friends like you and I are acquaintances.’

  They both watched Keith walk past the office and smile.

  ‘What about him?’ she asked, seeing Alex stare at the man then turned to look at her. ‘He has managed to secure tens of thousands of pounds. Calum will be in denial and Joanna will be livid.’ Just then she saw her mother walk towards her office. ‘You can tell her because I won’t.’

  ‘Are you scared?’

  ‘You don’t know what she’s like when someone upsets her.’ Mabel said seeing her beautiful blonde-haired mother smile. ‘Especially things she loves like money and her kids.’

  ‘She’s got kids?’

  Mabel realised she had said too much.

  ‘Alex! How good to see you,’ Joanna said as Alex stood, and they exchanged kisses. ‘And Mabel.’

  She glanced at her mother so as not to even think of touching her.

  ‘I’d kiss you, but you look like you’re going to bite, as would a viper,’ Joanna smiled and crinkled her nose. ‘But it’s endearing. Alex, do you mind, but I must steal Mabel. There’s something I’m not sure about, and only she can unravel it.’ She grabbed Mabel’s arm, making her stand. ‘It might take a while.’

  She shrugged off her mother, following her quickly out of the room, and into the large spacious office. Joanna went to her computer and converted the window clarity by making it opaque. Once again, too much technology for Mabel’s liking.

  ‘What are you doing?’ she asked, looking around.

  That’s when the towering figure of her mother came forward and pushed her to sit on the large sofa.

  ‘You're not very communicative, are you?’ Joanna began, pacing around the room. ‘Why do you need me to look after the girls for a night or maybe two? Where are you going?’

  Gulping hard, Wes’s operation was the next day, and she had booked two days off.

  ‘Mum, I can’t say.’ She looked at the ground. ‘I promised.’

  ‘Are you in some sort of trouble?’ she said, sitting next to her and grabbing Mabel’s hand. ‘Can I help?’ She looked into the concerned blue eyes and didn’t know what to say. ‘Whatever you do, please don’t lie to me.’

  ‘Wes is going in for an operation…’

  Then she relayed the whole story, to when Wes broke the news to Baba, and the consequential outburst that followed.

  ‘That woman blamed you?’ Joanna looked furious. ‘Don’t you think it was that ugly tank of a woman he married that might have put a strain on his heart?’

  ‘And it’s a bit more serious than he’s saying, that’s when he’s sayin
g anything at all.’

  She buried her head in her hands.

  ‘What he’s asking is unfair. It’s not your responsibility.’

  ‘He’s the father of my children. I can’t say no. I wish I could, but I can’t.’

  ‘What have you told the girls? You know Lottie will pick up on it.’

  ‘I’ve told them I have to go away for a couple of days, and that Wes is working on something. If you take them out of the house then at least I can go back and get changed. He could be in and out the same day or stay overnight. He wants me there so what can I do?’

  ‘How long must we wait?’

  Baba was pacing up and down in the hospital room where Wes was to return. ‘Go find out!’

  It had taken a lot for Mabel to restrain herself from thumping the woman.

  ‘The doctor will come and tell us when Wes is in recovery,’ she replied firmly.

  They had waited for six hours, and this was longer than expected.

  That morning, Mabel had sat alone with Wes as he waited to go in. He lied to his mother, so she was delayed arriving.

  They didn’t speak, just held hands and waited for him to be taken to surgery.

  All the time she looked at the man she once loved more than life itself and held her breath. It was when they took him off, and she walked with him as far as they would let her, she touched his face.

  ‘Wes, I love you I want you to be all right, okay?’ Mabel whispered in his ear. ‘You have three children and that barking mad mother of yours to think about.’

  ‘I love you May,’ he grabbed her hand tightly. ‘I wish I could turn it all back and start again, I really want that.’

  ‘One day at a time. Deal with this first and we’ll see.’

  ‘Tell Jess and Lottie I love them with all my heart, as I love you. Don’t forget.’

  ‘I won’t.’

  Then he was wheeled away.

  And now time was going slowly especially when stuck with Baba in a room.

  ‘I never wanted him to marry you if I am honest,’ Baba began and Mabel sat back in the chair, realising it was time to listen to her vent. ‘I told him you were not good enough. With dead parents and a white adopted mother, your moral values were never going to be the same as a Godly person.’

  ‘So, orphans are to blame when their parents die because that’s God telling you they’re not worth it? Some church you go to.’ Mabel then smiled. ‘And what about Lottie and Jess?’