Hard to Love

by S M Mala

  ‘Not if she looks like that!’ laughed out Lottie.

  Jess in return gave her the one finger salute.

  ‘That’s rude!’ Mabel said, slapping the girl’s hand down. ‘Leave that for your gothic friends.’

  There was a heavy silence in the room.

  Mabel had heard the girls cry at night and felt helpless that she couldn’t comfort their pain away.

  ‘We’ll get through it,’ Lottie said, forcing a smile. ‘It’ll be hard but it’s been just us for a while, and there are times when it’s going to be tough. But as long as we’re there for each other, that’s the most important thing.’

  ‘You know what? It’s a lovely Saturday afternoon, and I’m taking us all out for lunch!’ said Joanna, looking gleefully at them.

  Jess walked to the mirror and checked her appearance.

  Joanna took a deep breath before saying,

  ‘Jess, darling, what are you trying to say with your outfit?’

  ‘I’m an orphan, and it’s a part of my grieving process!’ said Jess loudly, extending her arms out either side.

  Mabel spluttered on the tears coming to her eyes, hearing Jess it said out loud.

  ‘You are not an orphan!’ Mabel stood up. ‘I’m your mother and have been for all your life. I’m not dead!’

  ‘Oh, mummy!’ Lottie said and burst into tears, as Joanna rushed to hug her. ‘I don’t want you to die! And you grandma. You’re old, so you’ll die first!’

  ‘Are they a little bit too young to start drinking?’ her mother replied, gulping quietly, looking ashen regarding Lottie’s comment about being old. Mabel tried not to laugh. ‘I’m in desperate need of one now. It’s too emotional in here.’

  Sitting in the garden area of the pub down the road, the girls were looking at their phones and speaking to each other about a boy they spotted. Jess had refused to remove the heavy make-up, but the heat was starting to make it run.

  Luckily, Mabel always had wet wipes on hand, so her youngest was sitting make up free, other than a few black streaks across her face.

  ‘Mabel, I know this isn’t your favourite thing, but could you go out tonight instead of me?’ her mother asked, grasping her hand. ‘I’d like to stay with the girls this evening, and I think you need a little space.’

  ‘I don’t do work things. Anyway, Calum will be there.’

  ‘Work things are such a bore sometimes and the people are pretty dull.’ Then she glanced sheepishly away. ‘I’d rather babysit.’

  ‘Won’t it look a little odd me turning up?’

  ‘Just drinks about seven thirty and then you can come straight home.’

  ‘I’m no good at these things.’

  ‘You need to get good at them,’ Joanna said, looking at the girls and then at her. ‘I won’t be around forever, as Lottie previous pointed out.’

  ‘What do you mean, grandma?’ asked Lottie, looking ashen. ‘Are you ill?’

  ‘You pick your moments, mother,’ Mabel hissed, hugging her daughter then kissing her cheek. ‘It’s a saying.’

  ‘Admit it, grandma,’ said Jess, taking her earphones out. ‘You probably got up to some mischief with another oldie who’s going tonight. I bet you did.’

  ‘What a thing to say!’

  ‘I’m right aren’t I?’

  ‘Sort of!’

  ‘Mother!’ said Mabel, shaking her head in annoyance. ‘You can’t have relationships with clients.’

  ‘He isn’t a client, and he wasn’t one when I started seeing him,’ she replied, getting in a huff. ‘And frankly, it was short and sweet, a bit like him. And he’s far too old.’

  ‘How old?’

  ‘Fifty,’ she mumbled. Mabel and the girls burst out laughing at the comment. ‘I like them young!’

  ‘I think she wanted to hang out with the girls.’

  Mabel sighed, looking out the window of the taxi talking to Calum down the phone. ‘And it’s been a rough few weeks.’

  ‘You can sneak off when you want.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘I’m not going to have a panic attack or throw a wobbly.’

  ‘And the sperm?’

  ‘I’m not expecting to have any tonight,’ she laughed, knowing what he meant. ‘It’s frozen and to the best of my knowledge, the things don’t have legs and can’t walk away.’

  Arriving at a restaurant in Chelsea, she got out the cab and walked into the large hotel.

  They were in a private bar, and she was greeted with a martini. Her mother had taken upon herself to dress her, with the help of Lottie and Jess.

  Lottie was going for something pretty.

  Jess was heading towards punk.

  Joanna wanted Mabel to look sexy.

  The final combination was a black dress, high heels and transparent black chiffon shawl with a shimmer.

  But she refused to have her make-up trowelled onto her face so locked herself in the bathroom to apply the necessary.

  As she walked in, a few heads turned but she realised someone else must have come in behind her. Then she saw Calum, who did a double take and walked over.

  ‘Is that you?’ he asked, forcing a grin and kissing her cheeks. ‘You don’t look like you.’

  ‘Mum told me what to wear and did my hair. Had I let her loose on my face with Jess, I’d look like an over made up transsexual.’ She quickly glanced around the room. ‘And mother’s not here as she got up to naughtiness with someone in the room but she won’t say.’ Mabel glanced around, trying to figure out who it was.

  ‘I don’t want to know,’ he said, walking her towards a group then stopping. ‘This is Mabel.’

  Someone turned to look at her.

  It was Alex.

  His mouth dropped open.

  ‘Yes, that’s what I did,’ said Calum, grimacing. ‘It’s not right.’

  It was shocking what was going through her head, heart and loins when she looked at Alex, looking hot in a dark grey suit.

  She gulped back her drink.

  ‘You can’t get drunk,’ Calum whispered in her ear. ‘So, pace yourself.’

  Mabel walked around and spoke to a few people, but she didn't imagine it when Alex and she kept making eye contact.

  This time he would quickly glance away but didn’t look happy.

  After a couple of hours, it was starting to get rowdy, and they were talking about going off to dinner. Mabel knew this was her moment to depart, so she discreetly walked out, texting Calum to say she was going.

  As the door was opened for her to step onto the pavement, she breathed in the heady night air, and remembered when she would go out and party.

  ‘May Day!’ someone shouted out and she turned to see Alex walking towards her.

  It felt like her breathing stopped, seeing him smile.

  ‘Where are you off to?’ he asked, stopping in front of her. ‘Aren’t you coming for dinner?’

  ‘It’s all business talk and Joanna asked me to do this as a favour.’

  ‘So, you got a babysitter at short notice?’

  ‘Yeah, my mum helps me out.’ She bit her lip and looked down at her shoes, hating the fact she was lying.

  ‘And here was I thinking you never went out on a Saturday night.’

  ‘I try not to.’ Mabel looked up at Alex. ‘About the other week when I was upset, I’ve not seen you to say thanks.’ She knew he had been busy since her episode. ‘One day, when you’re free, I’d like to take you out to dinner… or lunch if you prefer.’

  ‘I’m free right now,’ he said, putting his hands in his pockets, grinning from ear to ear. ‘Do you fancy taking me out?’

  ‘Oh!’ she gulped.

  ‘Unless you have plans?’

  ‘No plans and yes, let’s go and get something to eat.’ Then she looked around. ‘I don’t know this area too well.’

  ‘We can go for a drink by the river and then head off.’

  He put his arm out so she could take it, as they walked down the road.


  ‘You’re going to have to walk slowly as I’ve got heels on,’ she said, being careful not to trip.

  They got to a bar near the river, where they sat down on the terrace overlooking the Thames.

  A bottle of wine turned up and still they hadn’t spoken. Alex was smiling.

  All she did was look at him. Admiring his profile and his face.

  He was a handsome so and so.

  Then she recalled when she imagined it was him between her legs and doing all sorts to her body, only to make her reach an orgasm with Lee.

  ‘What are you thinking?’ he asked, moving closer. ‘I swear you looked like you were thinking about sex.’

  ‘How can you say that?’ Mabel gasped, feeling her hot face and avoiding eye contact.

  ‘Who were you having sex with?’ Alex looked like he was going to laugh.

  ‘Change the subject.’

  Mabel took a large gulp of her wine and examined the light reflecting on the river.

  ‘You look beautiful,’ she heard him say and looked around to see who he was talking to. Then she realised he was rolling his eyes while shaking his head from side to side. ‘Yes, I’m talking to you.’

  ‘That’s nice.’ Now she knew she was going red. ‘You always look handsome, so there’s no point telling you. I bet you get loads of compliments.’

  ‘Men don’t fawn over each other like women seem to.’

  ‘Talking of beautiful, how’s your Japanese girlfriend? I’ve not seen her around. Is she well?’

  ‘She’s fine.’

  Mabel didn’t expect to feel a thud in her gut based on his answer.

  ‘I hope it works out,’ Mabel replied, forcing a smile. ‘Couldn’t she meet you tonight?’ He stared at her, tilting his head to one side and slowly shook it from side to side. ‘You’re doing that again, making me feel self-conscious.’

  Then she picked up her glass and knocked the contents back, reaching out for the bottle and topping up their glasses. Her hand was shaking. Alex reached out and steadied it.

  ‘Are you nervous?’ he whispered. ‘Of me?’

  ‘Only when you give me that look.’

  ‘What look?’

  ‘The one that makes me feel inadequate.’

  ‘That’s certainly not what I think,’ he said, getting up and sitting next to her. Mabel shifted a little away. ‘I think you’re a little loopy, that’s all.’

  ‘I see.’ She scrunched up her face. ‘You’re not wrong.’

  ‘And secretive.’

  ‘I have a few.’

  ‘Funny.’

  ‘I can be.’

  ‘And in need of someone to make love to you all night.’

  ‘I’m not paying you for it, so stop now!’ Mabel realised he was winding her up. ‘I knew you being nice was too good to be true.’

  ‘I’m not nice.’

  ‘Oh, I know that!’

  Then her eyes darted to the left and to her horror, Lee was sitting with a woman. It looked like they were leaving as he stood up and looked around.

  Mabel knew she would be spotted.

  ‘What’s wrong now?’

  ‘Oh shit,’ she said, holding his face so it would cover hers. ‘There’s someone in here I know and I don’t want to see.’

  ‘Who?’ Alex was looking at her and smiling.

  ‘Lee.’

  ‘Where?’

  He went to turn his head around, but she grabbed his face, planting a kiss on his lips.

  But something instantly happened.

  A little release of butterflies that were a memory from a distant past. A feeling she thought could never be relived again. That’s what she felt.

  Mabel felt this massive urge to kiss him passionately, but he gently pushed her away.

  They looked at each other and didn’t speak.

  ‘This was a trick to kiss me, wasn’t it?’ he whispered.

  ‘Can I kiss you again?’ she asked, desperately wanting to.

  ‘No,’ he replied, getting up and sitting opposite.

  That was a massive stab to her heart, as she sat there trying to hide her feeling of total rejection.

  It occurred to her he didn’t find her attractive nor did he like the kiss.

  ‘Must be the drink,’ she said, trying not to look crushed. ‘Sorry.’

  Again, they sat in silence, but this time it was very uncomfortable for Mabel, knowing a rebuff and sitting opposite the person who gave it, wasn’t a nice feeling. They finished the wine and paid, before walking out towards the cab rank.

  ‘Mabel, you know what?’ Alex said, stopping as they walked out. ‘I’ll give dinner a rain check. I forgot I need to be somewhere.’

  ‘Sure,’ she gulped, nodding. ‘That’s fine.’

  Getting into the cab, she watched him wait for it to pull away.

  When it did, she burst into tears and tried to sob silently into her clutch bag.

  Mabel knew she liked Alex.

  The rejection was hard and humiliating.

  And she found him far too physically appealing for words, which was a bummer.

  ‘All right, love?’ the cab driver asked.

  ‘Yes, but my mind keeps going around in circles.’

  ‘Very much like me and Piccadilly Circus.’

  ‘Two weeks until the pitch and the work looks great!’

  Calum was rubbing his hands in his office as Mabel sat down and watched him. ‘And you getting no interest has been a godsend creatively.’

  It was the Thursday after the rejection from Alex.

  Mabel had the solicitor’s letter from Tafari in her hand. She handed it to Calum.

  ‘Fuck me!’ was all he said, slapping his hand against his forehead when he read it. ‘And you have to deal with this as well.’

  ‘I’m being told she has legal rights due to being married to him. Nothing to do with the fact he was married to me when he jerked off into the tube.’

  ‘But he gave you consent and not her.’

  ‘If you read carefully, she’s saying he was distraught at the time he made the will. She is even questioning the split of the money, saying Jess and Lottie got more.’ Mabel sunk deeper into the chair, watching the hive of activity around her.

  The she saw Alex and instantly frowned, only to be caught by her brother.

  ‘What has he done to you now?’ her brother asked, sitting down next to her.

  ‘I think he’s a female equivalent to a cock tease. He reels them in, and then lets them dangle hopelessly in their humiliation.’

  ‘Is that what you think?’ Calum started to laugh. ‘Oddly he mentioned you a few times. He could tell something was wrong after Wes died.’

  ‘Eight weeks ago,’ she whispered before looking down at the letter. ‘Now I’ve got to deal with Tafari.’ Mabel got up and walked towards the door.

  ‘How are you really?’ he asked, his gentle smile trying to hide the concern she could blatantly see.

  ‘In limbo. Seeing the kids try and cope to show me they’re little adults; hearing from Baba far too much because she misses her son.’ Then she let out a sad sigh. ‘Wondering if I should consider getting impregnated with his sperm to give us some hope with a new baby.’ Mabel shook her head. ‘Then there’s the possibility I can’t get pregnant considering I had Jess over thirteen years ago.’

  ‘You need to deal with your grief.’

  ‘Am I grieving or am I sulking because I can’t make Wes’s life a misery?’

  Calum laughed out loudly and gave her an unexpected hug.

  ‘You can’t do that, people will see,’ she hissed, not wanting to push his strong arms away. ‘Then they’ll think we’re shagging and the place will explode.’

  ‘I don’t care,’ he said, kissing her head. ‘You’re my little sister and you need this.’

  He let her go then held her at arm’s length.

  ‘May, you might meet a man?’

  ‘Oh, don’t make me laugh!’ she half shouted. ‘You saw the results.’ Mabel realise
d Alex hadn’t told Joanna and Calum about the hacking incident. ‘I better go.’

  As she walked back to her office, she saw Alex in the corridor. It was hard not to avoid going past him, but she decided to take a detour.

  If she made eye contact, it would heighten her humiliation and then his U-turn about going out to dinner. There was only so much of a bashing she could take. Holding her tablet against her chest, she kept her head down.

  Too far down.

  Next thing, she was knocked off her feet by someone running down the corridor, making her trip, dropping a folder.

  ‘Look where you’re going!’ she said as the young runner look flustered on what to do.

  ‘I’m sorry, but I have to get this to the art department.’

  ‘Fine,’ Mabel said, scrambling to get her papers and walked quickly off towards the office.

  Putting her things away and seeing it was nearly noon, Mabel decided to sneak off.

  She glanced quickly over at Alex’s office and realised he was in animated conversation with his flock of disciples.

  Now she would wait to hear gossip about her tricking him into a kiss. The story would say he fled due to fearing a sexual assault by Mabel.

  If only he knew what had gone through her head earlier on, he wouldn’t have been far wrong.

  Wondering what to get for lunch, she walked down the stairs and out of the building. Then she made a turn to the right and bumped into someone.

  ‘What is it with me today?’ she mumbled.

  ‘Mabel?’

  It was Lee.

  Even though she knew the sexual thing didn’t click for her, she was pleased to see him.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ she asked.

  ‘More importantly, why haven’t you returned my calls?’ he replied, breaking out into a wide smile. ‘I’ve come into town to get a few things, and I’m due at a meeting in a couple of hours. Fancy lunch?’

  Mabel had nothing planned for the next few hours.

  ‘That would be great.’

  ‘That’s my story.’

  Mabel told Lee the truth about what had happened with Wes, and why she turned up that night.

  ‘That’s sad. You should have told me,’ he said, holding onto her hand. ‘Your head is all over the place, isn’t it?’

  ‘I enjoyed spending time with you, but it’s hard.’