Hard to Love

by S M Mala

  ‘It’s not the right time to embark on a relationship, not if you’re feeling confused.’

  She sipped her wine and smiled, seeing he was sticking to water.

  ‘And then a friend told me about that dating site,’ she said, wanting to get to the bottom of the original accusation. ‘Someone allegedly hacked into accounts. A sort of a stalker. Aren’t you scared?’ She was met with an extremely loud laugh. ‘What’s so funny?’

  ‘That could never happen. They have a fire wall and all sets of security measures. They have to because it’s people’s personal details.’

  ‘You seem to know a lot about it.’

  ‘I wanted to find out if it was secure before I went on-line. Sometimes it’s good to have contacts.’

  ‘And you’ve had a lot of responses.’

  ‘A few good ones.’ Lee grinned. ‘I wish I was free this afternoon.’

  ‘Why?

  ‘Because,’ he continued, leaning closer. ‘I loved being with you that night. You were on fire, and I can’t get it out of my head.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘And when you’re ready, I want to do it again and again.’ He kissed her on the lips, taking her by surprise. ‘And again.’

  ‘It might take a while,’ Mabel smiled and let out a little sigh.

  The thing is, Lee liked her or seemed to be making out he did.

  Whereas Alex didn’t seem to, and she should cut her losses and move on, even if she didn’t feel anything about Lee.

  What surprised her was when she went to kiss him on the cheek to say goodbye, he wrapped his arms around her and gave her a passionate kiss.

  Mabel headed off in shock then fifteen minutes later her phone vibrated. It was a message from Alex.

  ‘You dropped something in the corridor. Looks important. Where are you?’

  She focussed on the screen and replied.

  ‘I’m on my way home. Can you tell Tommy to look after it until Tuesday, or ask him to put it in the post?’

  ‘And you’ve been avoiding me because you don’t want to kiss anymore, I take it?’ was the smart-arse reply.

  Mabel shrugged, knowing he was getting some amusement from it.

  ‘Just send the letter, please.’

  ‘Will do,’ he texted back. Then another text came through ‘Kissed anyone else recently?’

  ‘No.’

  Then he responded, ‘Are you sure? xxx.’

  ‘Arsehole,’ Mabel mumbled.

  ‘Mabel!’

  Rose shouted out and ran into her arms while she held her shopping bags. ‘I’ve not seen you in ages.’

  ‘Hello there,’ she said, giving the little girl a hug. ‘I do like your hair.’ Rose was supporting a long braid, courtesy of a very popular animation film about snow. ‘Did you do it yourself?’

  ‘My daddy did it for me,’ she said, stroking her hair. ‘Can I come and see Lottie and Jess?’

  ‘They’re on their way back from their granny. Why don’t you ask your dad to bring you over later?’ Then she looked up and saw him striding towards her, her gut twisting in annoyance. ‘He can then go off and do his thing.’

  ‘Daddy, Mabel said I could go around and play at her house. Will you drop me off? Then you can go off and do your thing,’ she said, looking up at him. Mabel noticed he glanced at her then at Rose. ‘It’s been such a long time.’

  ‘If Mabel doesn’t mind,’ he shrugged.

  He was looking messy in a large shirt, baggy shorts and trainers, but still sexy. She could only image he had a hard night humping his beautiful woman senseless.

  ‘Three o’clock, I’ll see you then,’ she said to Rose, ignoring Alex and walking off towards her house.

  Letting out a loud sigh, she looked at her phone then found the picture she had of Lee sleeping naked in the bed.

  Half of her wanted to delete it.

  The other half wanted to keep it as a timely reminder on what not to do when you’re upset.

  But he looked good, so she decided it was best to store safely as a keepsake in her section where she kept photos of Bob.

  It was now for her amusement only.

  Unpacking the shopping, she looked at the clock and realised the kids would be back soon.

  She had a moment to think.

  Walking slowly upstairs, she headed for the loft, which they had converted into a spare bedroom for guests. Mabel had put her wedding pictures there, not knowing what to do with the two albums. She flicked one open and saw a very young version of herself with Wes.

  Those were happy days, and she couldn’t help but smile.

  Then she flicked through the baby scan photos of Lottie and Jess before seeing the baby pictures.

  Mabel started to cry.

  It didn’t seem real now.

  And once again she felt lost.

  ‘You’re safe.’

  Mabel was holding the door open as Alex wiped his feet and entered. ‘She has been good as gold. There’s been a lot of singing.’ Then she frowned. ‘The girls mentioned their dad passed away.’

  ‘I told her, but I wasn’t sure what Rose would say,’ he replied, looking across the room at her playing with Lottie.

  ‘She started to cry and said she missed her grandpa, so it was a bit emotional. Jess eventually stopped the pair of them crying by setting up a burping competition.’ She glanced at Jess with her legs hanging over the side of the armchair, looking at her phone. ‘Pure class.’

  She noticed he didn’t want to look at her. Mabel figured he was mortally embarrassed about that evening.

  ‘Rose has been fed pasta and ice-cream, so, all is good. Do you want a drink or are you trying to make a quick exit just in case I lunge at you again?’ Mabel stared at him, the way he did to her and noticed he stared back.

  ‘Okay.’ He put his hands in his pockets and walked into the living room.

  ‘Hello daddy!’ shouted out Rose, running to give him a hug before going back to see Lottie.

  ‘Have you had a good time?’

  The way he adoringly looked at her was sweet, and Mabel smiled while pouring out the wine.

  ‘I had so much fun!’ she said, smiling at him before turning to giggle with Lottie.

  ‘You’ll probably want to escape away from this female domination,’ Mabel said, going to the garden and placing the wine glasses on the table. ‘Or are you scared to sit outside with me?’

  ‘Why would he be scared?’ asked Jess, pulling out one of her earplugs.

  ‘Your mother thinks she’s funny,’ he mumbled.

  ‘She’s not funny but odd like grandma says.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Mabel replied and sat down, moving her chair further away from where he was going to sit.

  Alex sat down, and she sipped her wine, looking back at the kids through the open doors.

  ‘How are you?’ he asked, stretching out his legs. ‘Everything okay?’

  ‘Yep.’

  They didn’t say anything for a few minutes.

  ‘I hear you’re going to be a board director. That’s a bit fast, don’t you think?’ Mabel asked, thinking she’d steer all conversations towards Wyatt Haynes.

  ‘If you see my billings, you’ll know in the short time I’ve been there, I’ve turned things around, and not only won more accounts, but increased current turnover.’

  ‘Best of luck with that then,’ she replied, letting out a disgruntled moan, knowing he would soon find out who the third owner was. ‘There aren’t many people on the board. Think it’s the shareholders and Bruce, now you. Pretty closed shop. Are you getting shares?’

  ‘Not asked,’ he shrugged. ‘Probably a discretionary productivity bonus.’ Alex frowned. ‘This isn’t our usual conversation.’

  ‘It’s work. Better keep it professional.’

  He moved his chair closer as she watched him lean towards her.

  ‘Where did you go yesterday?’ he asked, and she could see he was examining her closely.

  ‘Nowhere.’ Then she remembered. ‘Wha
t did I drop? Did you get Tommy to post it to me?’

  ‘I’ve got it here,’ he said, pulling it out of his back pocket.

  Mabel realised it was the letter from the solicitors, and she took a deep breath. Taking it out of his hand, she slid it into the back of her tablet case.

  ‘Thanks,’ she said, taking a deep breath.

  ‘Anything important?’ he asked, starting to smile.

  ‘Things about Wes’s estate.’ She got to her feet. ‘Would you like some olives or crisps?’

  ‘We have to go soon. Sit down, please?’ He looked up at her and touched her hand, pulling her back down.

  ‘Okay.’ Mabel took another gulp of her drink.

  ‘You know, something odd happened yesterday,’ he began, starting to whisper. ‘Around lunchtime.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Someone told me they saw you in a restaurant.’

  ‘Oh, yes, I bumped into a friend.’

  ‘A man.’

  ‘Yes, I do have male friends. Not many, mind.’

  ‘Anyone I know?’ Alex asked, this time narrowing his eyes.

  ‘It wasn’t Bob Jones. I knocked that on the head because you made me,’ she whispered, bending down so the kids wouldn’t hear.

  ‘They couldn’t see his face, mostly because you were munching his face off.’

  ‘I was not! He came at me, not the other way around.’

  ‘In a clinch?’ Alex shook his head from side to side. ‘Did you accost him too?’

  ‘I did not accost him. And what does ‘too’ mean?’ Then she gasped knowing what he was implying. ‘I’m sorry if I upset you last weekend. It won’t happen again. You made it clear what you thought.’

  ‘How?’

  ‘Look, Alex, it doesn’t matter. We won’t meet socially, so you’re safe.’

  He started to laugh.

  ‘Who was that man?’ he asked, leaning closer.

  ‘The man I met through the website. He’s not a stalker, and he was nice about things when I explained my current state of mind.’

  ‘Again, you use the word ‘nice’.’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’

  She closed her eyes and then opened them when hearing the girls’ laugh, mainly at Jess wiggling her bottom when she was dancing.

  ‘I’ve got things on my mind, a little bit more serious than Mr Nice.’ Mabel frowned at the thought of dealing with the solicitors regarding Wes’s sperm, and Tafari’s impending legal action against. ‘And I must make a few decisions, which are tough because it’s about our future, my future.’

  ‘You want to talk about it?’

  ‘No, thanks. I can’t be at work while it hangs over my head.’

  ‘Why do you bottle things up? It’s like you’re going to explode, but you’re holding back.’

  ‘It’s how I cope.’ Mabel looked at Jess and Lottie. ‘I am both their mum and dad now. To be honest, I don’t know if I can do either one properly.’

  He finished his drink and stood up.

  ‘Rose, say goodbye, we have to go.’

  There were a few moans and groans.

  ‘Can I walk with them down the road?’ asked Lottie, giving Rose a hug. ‘I need to get a glue stick from the corner shop.’

  ‘We’ll come with you,’ said Alex, walking into the living room.

  ‘Thank you for letting me stay today. I had so much fun!’ said Rose, rushing over to give Mabel a hug.

  ‘Thank you for coming.’ Mabel bent down to kiss her cheek. ‘It was a pleasure.’

  She watched the girls walk out together as she waited for Alex to leave. Slowly she walked to the door, following but he stopped and turned.

  ‘I need to be honest with you,’ he said, stepping out onto the path.

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Last week, I didn’t want to kiss you again for my reasons.’ He glanced at the girls walking down the road. ‘So, you don’t need to avoid me if you’re embarrassed about the re-buff.’

  ‘Thanks,’ she replied, trying not to get pissed off.

  ‘And I read the letter.’

  ‘Oh.’ Mabel didn’t know what to say.

  ‘Oh, indeed. I now know what problem he left you.’

  ‘I’ll figure it out.’

  ‘Do you want another baby with him?’

  ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’ She frowned. ‘It’s complicated and I need to think.’

  ‘Aren’t you angry I read your private letter?’

  ‘Right now, I have many mixed emotions to deal with. Thanks for telling me.’

  ‘And one last thing,’ Alex said, starting to walk away. ‘I didn’t divert my eyes when you got out of bed. I saw you naked.’

  ‘What?’ Mabel said, reeling from shock. ‘But you said-.’

  ‘I say a lot of things,’ was his parting shot as he walked off down the road.

  ‘That man!’ Mabel said, shutting the door and standing there, furious that he lied to her. ‘He’s such an arsehole!’

  ‘Ah, well, you like him,’ said Jess, opening the fridge.

  ‘No, I don’t.’

  ‘Yes, you do. It’s pretty blatant to me.’

  ‘Jess, you’re thirteen years old and it’s not that-.’

  ‘When you look at him, you’re either smiling or frowning. And you look at him a lot.’

  ‘No, I don’t.’ Mabel felt herself start to blush. ‘I look at him normally.’

  ‘And the thing is,’ continued Jess, striding up to her. ‘He likes you.’

  ‘No, he doesn’t!’ laughed Mabel, stroking her child’s face.

  ‘You’re not very smart, are you? Oldies! Always losing the plot.’

  ‘Destroy it?’

  Mabel was sitting in her mother’s office a few days later with the company lawyer, Malcolm Browning. Joanna looked stunned, then said it again. ‘Destroy the sperm?’

  ‘That’s the only thing to stop her from taking you to court. This woman is intent on getting legal rights over the specimen,’ continued Malcolm, crossing his legs. He was tall and skinny but looked rich. He should be considering how much the company paid him. ‘Unless you want to have another baby, Mabel?’

  She didn’t know what to say.

  All she did was look at the floor and wonder why Wes would do this to her.

  ‘I have to think,’ she replied.

  Her mother’s face was etched with concern.

  ‘Thank you, Malcolm, for looking into this,’ Joanna said, standing up and escorting him out. ‘And for the paperwork regarding the new board member. Much appreciated and we’ll get in touch soon.’

  Mabel didn’t know what to do.

  That was the problem.

  And she was unsure if she wanted another baby with Wes, dead or alive.

  The next thing she felt was an arm across her shoulders while her mother peered into her face.

  ‘You don’t have to decide on anything,’ she whispered to her. ‘Mabel, I don’t think Wes was being fair, knowing his mother and wife would want a say. He should have destroyed it at the time. Did he ever tell you he wanted more children after having his last one?’

  ‘I didn’t speak to him about it, given the handful of conversations we had before he died.’ Mabel gulped hard. ‘I don’t know what to do.’

  ‘What did he say to you in the letter?’

  Looking at her mother, she reached over into her bag and pulled the letter out.

  ‘He wrote it by hand,’ Mabel said looking at it.

  ‘Read it for me, darling.’

  Looking at the letter, she took a deep breath.

  ‘Mabel, I am sorry for everything. I want you to have my frozen sample so you can use if you one day decide to have another baby. You might not want to, and then please make sure it is destroyed. Look after my girls for me. They are like you, beautiful and kind. I love you, and always will. Wes.’

  Holding the paper between her fingers she didn’t realise her mother was crying.

  ‘That’s so beautiful,�
�� she gulped, wiping her tears away.

  ‘No, it’s not.’

  There was a knock on the door.

  It was Alex.

  ‘Am I disturbing?’ he asked, frowning heavily when looking at them. ‘I can come back.’

  ‘No, that’s fine,’ Mabel said, jumping to her feet as Joanna grabbed her hand.

  ‘Destroy it,’ her mother whispered.

  ‘Tafari will sit on me regardless,’ she replied, picking up her case. ‘I have to work.’

  Keeping her eyes down, and remembering what Jess told her, Mabel walked past Alex and went to her office. She knew her presence was needed at a meeting in five minutes, so dumped her case, and took out her laptop before heading off to get a coffee.

  As she walked to the meeting room, cup in hand, she noticed Alex was watching her from down the corridor.

  Sitting down at the table and opening her laptop, the meeting began, and she concentrated as best she could, interjecting with the others, even laughing at something not funny.

  Then the door opened, and Alex walked in.

  ‘I wanted to see what was going on,’ he said and sat next to Mabel, making her shift in her chair.

  They went through the costings for a commercial they were shooting for tea bags and all the story boards. Mabel checked through everything and asked about the contracts, as she usually did.

  She was momentarily distracted when she felt Alex stroke her little finger with his.

  Mabel turned her head, and he looked at her.

  ‘What?’ she asked quietly but his response was to shake his head.

  The action put her off, and she couldn’t hold her trail of thought. When the meeting ended, she heard Alex whisper, ‘Stay here a minute.’

  Mabel did as the others walked out, casting quizzical looks.

  ‘Is something wrong?’ she asked, saving her spreadsheet.

  This time, he put his hand out and gently closed the laptop lid.

  ‘What’s going on between you and Joanna? Is there something you want to tell me?’

  ‘Why do you ask?’

  ‘Because she was crying in her office when you were speaking to her then after you left.’ He grimaced. ‘I heard what you read out from your ex. I’m sorry, but I was standing outside. He’s left you in a muddle, hasn’t he?’