When It All Goes Still

by Allison Mullinax

  “I want to speak with her. I want to meet her.”

  “Of course, let me reach out to her.” I can’t help but stare at him wide-eyed, unable to look at him the way I had before.

  I stand, stretching my legs and walk to the window. The sun is lower in the sky than I imagined it would be, and I realize the day is drawing to an end. I look back at Arden, still sitting on the desk’s edge, waiting for it all to hit me. Walking over to him, I extend my hand. His eyes dart between my face and palm before he reaches out, grasping it firmly.

  “Thank you.” Whatever lies he has told, whatever secrets he has kept, he has done so out of honor for my mother. Because of Arden, I am alive, she is alive, and I have answers. His commitment to my family has been steady, and for everything he has done I will forever be thankful.

  He looks back at me with surprise and nods his head once. I release his grip and walk out the office door and down the hallway. I’m almost out of the house before I hear him call out to me, “Traveler, you forgot this.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out my chip.

  Holding both my hands up in surrender, I take a step back. “No. Not tonight. I don’t want them seeing this.” I put my hand on my heart, letting him know it’s too risky. “There’s too much going on in here.” I swirl my finger above my head. He looks at me hesitantly before closing his fingers around my chip and placing it back in his jacket pocket.

  “Okay. Be smart. Remember what’s at stake. Go home, Traveler. Rest.” I throw my hand in the air waving bye at him. The street lamps begin to flicker to life as the sun dips behind the mountains.

  ****

  I’m heading back toward the Division Towers when I see Eero making his way alone into the courtyard. “Hey man, haven’t seen you all weekend.” He raises his hand, waiting for me to slap it. I oblige him, even though my sour mood is hard to hide.

  “Any chance you’ve seen Sephia tonight?” I ask, scanning the courtyard for her red hair. I want to make sure Vlad didn’t take his revenge for me out on her.

  “Haven’t seen much of her either.” He tilts his head, eyebrows pulled together, obviously puzzled as to why I would ask for her. I wait to see what else he has to say. “Torrin said he had a run-in with you the other night.”

  “Mmm hmm. He was concerned for Cerre. I let his comments slide.” Looking around, I notice the courtyard is fairly thinned out of people.

  Eero kicks at the dirt under his shoes and shakes his head. “Word is she’s out of the program. Between you and me, I get it, a three-hour lag between shift and chamber is unheard of. It’s dangerous. Too bad some of your talent can’t rub off on her, huh?” A small chuckle shakes his broad chest.

  I jerk my attention to his face, taking a step forward. “The fuck you just say?”

  “Whoa.” He leans away from me. “I didn’t mean anything by it. It’s just a shame we can’t all shift as fast as you…”

  “It’s not a big fucking deal, okay? It’s not my fault she’s slow as shit,” I yell, realizing Eero has caught me at the worst possible moment, but I can’t stop myself.

  “Yeah, man, I know. That’s not what I meant. Forget it.” Like a kicked dog, Eero turns away and walks back toward housing.

  I drop my hands to my side, realizing I’ll probably owe him an apology later on for that. Every muscle in my body is tight, like my skin could crack in half at any moment. I don’t know where to turn next. My head and my heart are being pulled in different directions.

  I’m standing in the middle of the courtyard, looking up at the eighth floor to my room on my left, and then I turn my head and see the Shifting Division on my right. The craving I have to run through the doors and to my shifting chamber is overpowering all of my emotions. The questions that still linger about my mother, the new urgency I have to keep everything about myself and my abilities hidden, all of it pales in comparison to the longing I feel to pull Johanna close to me. To kiss her lips and evoke a satisfied sigh from her mouth. I crave being with her. At some point the person I was changed into the person that I wish I could be for her. With her. I look back and forth from the housing building to the Shifting Division tower. Two different choices. Go home or go to her. Two different outcomes.

  I run my hands over my head. But there is only one choice that keeps Johanna alive, that keeps her out of danger. The aching in my chest is suffocating, like someone has their hands wrapped around my heart and lungs, squeezing the life out of me. Pulling my hands to my chest, I try to alleviate the pressure. I haven’t known her long enough to experience the pain coursing through my body at the realization that she and I can never be together. But I do. It settles in my bones, and I know that as long as she is safe, I can live with the weight of this decision. Like the people who gave up everything to keep me safe, I will give up a love that I know started brewing inside me the moment I laid eyes on her impossibly beautiful face. I close my eyes in surrender, knowing my only choice is to let her go. I set off toward my room and the solitude it offers me.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Johanna

  It’s been six days since I last saw him. Everywhere I am, and everywhere I go, I find myself searching for Traveler. I look for him at work, on the streets, along the trails while I’m running, trying to forget him. At home, alone at night, my thoughts are consumed with him. His handsome face, his green eyes, his strong hands always finding their way into my hair. Did I imagine it all? Was any of it real?

  Rolling my head to the side, I see my alarm clock’s accusing stare, seven thirty-four a.m. “Get up,” my inner voice is coaxing me to come back from the dead. I force myself to sit up out of the bed and place my feet on the floor. One foot in front of the other. I make my way to the bathroom and twist the nozzle on the shower, waiting for the steam to float into the air. Today, I won’t miss him. Today, I’ll get back to reality and accept that this is all for the best. Arden said that it was the only way to keep him alive, that being apart was the only way he could be safe. Today, I will stop tumbling down this rabbit hole.

  I wait for the determination inside my head to match my heart, but it never comes. Stepping out of the shower and toweling off, I decide that it’s time to come out of hiding. Today, I won’t sulk around the house; today I will eat something; today I will make conversations and remember who I am. Who I was before I met him. Who I was before all those secrets of the universe fell into my lap. Who I was before I started falling for him.

  I force myself to look into the mirror. It’s harder to lie to yourself when your own reflection is mocking you. “Shut up.” Watching my own lips move, a gurgle of panic twists its way through my stomach. Am I crazy? I throw my clothes on and go down the stairs.

  There are boxes of flowers and stringed lights stacked along the wall of the living room, and it takes me a minute to remember why. Andrew walks into the room and catches me staring. “Engagement Party.”

  “Ya don’t say.” I roll my eyes and walk into the kitchen.

  “You’re especially pleasant this morning.” He’s right on my heels. “I thought your wallet thief had you completely over this whole ordeal.” He gestures toward the massacre in my living space. “Or did that situation derail already?”

  “Okay, for one…I am over it. Two, don’t talk to me until you make me coffee.” I squint my eyes at him letting him know I’m serious.

  He throws the one-serving cup in the machine and pops the lid down. Within seconds my liquid patience is being served to me, and my mood already feels slightly better. “Thanks.” Andrew shakes his head at me, then hops up on the kitchen island, letting his legs dangle off the side.

  “Three, do not expect me to be here tonight during this little shindig. I know that it was much easier for MB to have it here, so she doesn’t kill herself waddling around town getting things ready. But I’m not going to be around for it. Gina and I are going to stay late at the store and work on inventory.”

  “Sorry. I know this has to be weird for you,” he says apologetically a
nd with a grimace on his face.

  “Honestly, I haven’t thought about it much.” I look into my coffee cup, watching the cream swirl along the sides of the mug. I dip my finger in, staring as the liquid ripples around the edges. “Does Mary-Beth have help for tonight?” I wonder how on Earth anyone could selfishly request a party from her at this point. But then again, Katie has never had an unselfish motive for anything.

  “You’re looking at him.” His eyes roll into the back of his head.

  I make a dramatic show of sighing. “I’ll come home a couple of hours before the guests arrive and see what I can do to help MB. Not that troll, Katie. For MB. Then I’m out of here.”

  Andrew bumps into my shoulder to show his appreciation in true Andrew form. “Hey Jo? Four years next week.” I bob my head up and down, looking back at my coffee. “You good?” he asks genuinely.

  “Yeah. Sometimes I still expect them to come walking back through the front door. And then apologize for being gone for so long.” I tilt my head, giving my brother a small smile.

  “I know what you mean.” He laughs, though it doesn’t match the conversation. “They would be proud of us, ya know?” I know he’s right.

  “Mom would be beside herself fussing over MB and her first grandchild. Probably her only grandchild at the rate I’m going.” My lip curls at my pessimism.

  Andrew’s boisterous laugh fills the kitchen. “What happened to…Wanderer?” he asks. I give him an evil look.

  “Traveler.” I extend my foot out and kick his shin.

  “Ow! Jesus.” He retaliates by thumping my forehead.

  “Stop it, you two,” MB says, swaying into the room. “I’m pregnant, hungry, my back kills right now, and I’m about to throw the wicked witch of the south a party. Do not test me this morning.” She doesn’t crack a grin, and she doesn’t even look our way. She’s ill as a hornet. Andrew and I exchange glances.

  “Sit baby, I’ll make you some breakfast,” Andrew says with a big goofy grin on his face. MB plops down at the kitchen table and glares at the piles of decorations across the foyer and into the living room.

  “And of course, my mother is doting on the princess bride all day. Neither of them better utter a word of displeasure about my decorating skills,” she mumbles, more to herself than to Andrew or me. Damn it.

  “MB, I’m going to the store for a little while to open up and check inventory. Gina is managing today, so she can handle everything. I’ll come back around lunch and help, okay?” I’m unable to let my ill will toward Katie overshadow my love for MB.

  “Ewww. No. I would never ask you to help prepare for your ex-boyfriend’s engagement party. It already feels gross with me having it in your home.” MB fakes a gag, causing me to laugh.

  “It’s your home too. I’ll bring us back tacos from Poncho’s for lunch. You can sit and eat while me and Andrew help. And by help, I mean sabotage everything…” I say with an evil grin, twiddling my fingers together.

  “You say it’s my home now, just wait until there is a crying baby shaking down the walls at two a.m. And dirty diapers overflowing the trash, and toys everywhere,” she challenges me.

  “MB, that is my nephew you’re talking about.” I lightly poke her in the belly button.

  “I know, Jo.” She smiles as Andrew walks over and places a glass of orange juice in front of her. “It’s only, Andrew and I have been talking. Four years ago, our living here made sense. We couldn’t have imagined being anywhere else, and we all needed one another.” She leans her head back and rests it against Andrew’s stomach. He places a hand on her shoulder.

  “Yeah, but everything’s good here. Everything still works.” I flip my hand in the air, brushing her off and sipping my coffee.

  “We’ve been considering looking at houses. You deserve your privacy, Jo. And with a baby coming in a couple of weeks, it’s going to dwindle down even more. We can’t expect you to change everything because we are having a baby. We all made it. We survived something tragic, and we used each other to trudge through the muddy waters. We’re good now.” She smiles happily at me. “Plus, you shouldn’t have to worry about staying out all night with a man, then having to face your family the next day.” She pulls her fist to her lips, snickering. Andrew looks uncomfortably around the room, pretending to be uninvolved in the conversation.

  “I don’t want to be in this big old house by myself.” I poke my bottom lip out. “No way. It’s our house. If I ever feel this ridiculous way you’re saying I will, then I’ll find someplace. I want my nephew raised here, and so would Mom and Dad.” I look her in the eyes, making sure she understands.

  “Well, we aren’t moving out tomorrow.” She places her palms on the counter, pushing herself up. “Husband! Where’s my food? I have a party to throw,” she hollers, and looks back at Andrew who is hurrying to the stove. MB heads into the living room and begins sorting through the vases and tablecloths. I follow her, stopping in the foyer to slip on my running shoes.

  “I’ll be back with lunch. Just…take it easy. Make Andrew do most of it.” MB smiles up at me before I walk out the door to my Jeep. And even my Jeep is tainted with the memories of him.

  ****

  I easily work my way through the morning, busying myself with placing orders and checking all the inventory sheets. Gina is across the hall in her office, talking to me about a brand of running apparel we should stock when Lacey clears her throat from the hallway to get my attention.

  “Hey Lacey, how are things on the floor? Lots of customers?” My cashier picks at the bottom of her work shirt, blinking rapidly.

  “It’s kind of slow this morning…ummm, can I come in?” she timidly asks. Gina leans her head around her desk and gives me an odd look. We aren’t really a place that closes doors and speaks with a lot of formality.

  “Sure thing. What’s up, Lace?” She walks into my office, twisting a lock of her hair between her thumb and finger. The ends look frayed, as if it were a nervous habit.

  “Well…” She begins but can’t seem to find her words. I wait patiently for her to get the nerve to say whatever is on her mind. And then as if someone turned the knob on the faucet, sentences rush out of her mouth.

  “Oh my God, Johanna, my mom, I’m so sorry. I told her you weren’t on drugs. I mean, you’re here almost every day working. And everyone knows drug addicts are lazy and…that’s not you. I told her those rumors weren’t true. She’s making me quit. I don’t want to quit, I swear. You’re so cool as a boss. Please don’t be mad at me!” She slaps a hand over her mouth, holding the word-vomit in. Her eyes are wide, on the brink of tears.

  It takes me a second to realize what she is saying to me as I sit there with my mouth hanging open. “Slow down a second. Drug addict?”

  “Florence Carter told my mother, at the hair salon last week, that she heard you were on drugs.” She places her head in her hands, clearly mortified. “I told my mom that wasn’t true. But then she said people have seen you around town with strangers and acting all weird. Someone even said Andrew was out all hours of the night searching for you about a week ago.” She sniffles before wiping her nose on the back of her hand.

  “Oh…My…God. You have got to be kidding me.”

  “My mom says I can’t work here anymore, that who knows what you really have going on back there in the warehouse.” Lacey’s voice is almost inaudible.

  All I can do is blink back at her. I pinch the bridge of my nose and take a deep breath. “Anything else, Lace?” I ask, hoping that it’s the end of this conversation so I can crawl under my desk and die.

  “She asked me if I had seen anything odd lately. I told her no way, that other than the hot guy I had never seen before, who was here looking for you last week, that everything was normal,” she admits, then looks to the side, realizing that maybe that wasn’t helpful in ending the rumor mill. “Also, I think Craig, in the warehouse, is saying that the SWAT team might swarm the store any minute. I told him he was ridiculous. I’m really so
rry, Johanna.”

  I can’t believe that the rumors ignited by Katie have gotten so out of hand. Not only that, but people are believing them and spreading them like wildfire around the town. As if I haven’t lived here my whole life. As if I haven’t given this community so much of me. I feel tears stinging my eyes. “I understand, you have to obey your mother. Thank you for knowing that is not who I am, Lacey.” I stand and go to the door, opening it for her to leave. “I’ll mail you your last check.” I stare as she walks down the hallway.

  I wait until she is completely out of sight before I walk across the hall to Gina’s office. “What was that all about?” she curiously asks.

  “Apparently, I’m a drug addict, amongst other things.” I toss my hands in the air.

  “I knew the rumors weren’t true.” Gina never takes her eyes off the computer, brushing it off, entirely unaffected.

  “What? You’ve heard them too?” I wonder how far the tentacles of gossip have reached in this town.

  “Yeah. Some stoner from the Junior college campus asked me if I could score some stuff from my boss the other day.” She leans back in her chair, laughing.

  “What?” My voice reaches another octave as I brace my hands on my hips.

  “Sorry, Jo,” she apologizes with a regretful tone. “He said he heard you were so tweaked out last Friday night, that you passed completely out at the ballgame.” A cringe stretches her lips.

  “This is bullshit.” I feel the embarrassment and anger rising from the pit of my stomach. “I’m losing employees,” I shout, gesturing toward the hallway.

  “Well, not me. I love this store. And I know you. It’ll blow over. These people in this small town just need something to talk about. They will move on to something else in a few days.”

  I’m about to respond when I hear my cell phone ringing in my office. I hold my finger up, letting Gina know I’ll be right back.

  I see Andrew’s number lighting up on the screen as I pick the phone up and answer it. “Hey, I was about to—” I begin to say.