When It All Goes Still

by Allison Mullinax

  “Can you come home? I mean, unless you’re swamped? I’m in over my head here.” He’s pleading with me, which lets me know it’s serious.

  “You do realize that MB will slaughter you if she knows you’ve called me.”

  There’s a pause at the other end. “Yes. So, don’t tell her. Please. She seems unusually irritable and uncomfortable today. Her back is really bothering her. You know I normally wouldn’t ask but—” he begins.

  “Oh, save it. I’ll be right there.” I hang up the phone, grab my purse and keys, and walk back across the hall.

  “Hey Gina, I have to head out. Mary-Beth needs help for the party. You’re good here?”

  “You mean Max and Katie’s engagement party?” She raises an eyebrow at me, drumming her fingers on the desk.

  “Yep, that’s the one.” My fake enthusiasm has her laughing.

  “I’ve got it handled.”

  “You deserve a raise.”

  “Oh, I know.” She winks at me as I leave her office to go home.

  ****

  I walk through the doors and see Mary-Beth bouncing on a ball ten times the size of her stomach while she watches Andrew untangle mounds of lights. I hold up the bag of tacos, and MB stretches her hands out like a child begging for candy. “You’re home sooner than I thought, gimme.” I kick my shoes off and get ready to help.

  “Jesus Christ, why does the backyard need these lights strewn around it anyway?” Andrew asks, misshapen balls of lights tangled in his hands.

  “Because it gives it ambiance,” MB says with all the sarcasm she can muster. “Ouch…geez.” She is rubbing her lower back with her fist.

  “Has that been happening a lot today?” I ask, giving her a look.

  “Actually yes, but I’m pretty sure it’s normal pregnancy pains.” She waves my line of questioning away. “We have six hours to get the backyard tables set up and the lights hung. The caterer should be here by…ouch, gah…four o’clock.” MB stretches to the side, balancing on the ball. Her face is twisted, obviously in pain.

  “Yeah. Mmmk. I think you need, hell I don’t know what you need, but I don’t think this back pain is as normal as you’re trying to make it seem,” Andrew says, walking over to MB and helping her up off the huge ball. “Maybe a bath? Jo and I will sort out these lights. Max is setting up the tables in the backyard right now. We got this.”

  Mary-Beth looks at him hesitantly and then to me for reassurance. “Go on, we can do this part. Try to get comfortable for a little bit.” I wave my hands, shooing her up the stairs. As she turns to make her way to their bedroom, I look at Andrew, mouthing the words, “I will kill you.”

  “Shhh,” he yell-whispers. “He showed up thirty minutes ago, otherwise I wouldn’t have called you…obviously. This is a damn disaster. I’m going to kill Katie.”

  “Oh, not before I get to her and her mother. Katie and Florence Carter have been spreading rumors all over town about me! Lacey quit today because her mother thinks I’m part of the drug cartel.” I close my eyes tightly as I hear the back door open and close. “And now this.” I throw my arm back at Max coming through the kitchen. “I need a minute.” Stomping up the stairs, I leave Andrew alone, to gather myself.

  I walk into my bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. “Get it together.” Cupping my hands under the faucet, lukewarm water splashes over my cheeks. MB needs your help. It’s just a party. Giving myself a little pep talk, I pat my face down with a towel. I pull my curls high on top of my head and secure them with a hair tie and a few bobby pins. I decide that I’ll dedicate a few hours of my time to decorating, and as soon as the caterer shows up, I will leave. I’ll drive to the spot on my mountain and feel sorry for myself. Sounds like a great plan.

  I walk out of the bathroom and there he is. He’s standing in my room as if he belongs there. As if he needs no invitation. The blood rushes to my head. “What are you doing in here, Max? Go set up for your little party that MB is killing herself to throw you and your fiancée.” I can’t help myself. The collective stress and worry about the rumors, the longing for Traveler, all of it is crashing down around me and I can’t stop the words from coming out. The words that needed to be said a long time ago. “Well, go on. Why are you staring at me like that?” Through gritted teeth, the words leave my mouth.

  He pulls his hand from behind his back, and it takes me a moment to realize he’s clutching his old college T-shirt. The same shirt I tossed in the trash this morning. The same T-shirt I was wearing the morning I woke up from the first night I spent with him, still wrapped in his arms. The one I wore to bed for months after I found him in the parking lot with Katie pressed up against my car, sobbing myself to sleep. The T-shirt that I grew to resent as much as I do him.

  “I didn’t know you still had this, Jo.” He’s looking at me in a way I spent years wishing he would look at me again, just one more time.

  “I don’t still have it. I threw that away.” I spit the words back at him.

  “Why? Because of this person Katie saw you with? Do you care for him that much?” he says, and for the life of me I think he looks hurt. As if me throwing his T-shirt away even comes close to the scars he’s left on my heart.

  “Get out, Max.”

  “You know I still love you.” He takes a step closer to me, and my breath catches in the back of my throat.

  I back up until my thighs hit my dresser. “Stop it,” I warn.

  “I didn’t mean any of it. It was already happening before I knew what to do. I didn’t know how to stop it. I didn’t know how to comfort you when your parents died. I should have never let you leave, Jo. She was a mistake.” It knocks the breath right out of me. My cheeks dampen from the tears betraying me.

  “You’re getting married. You’re marrying her, Max,” I say through a sob that refuses to stay buried down.

  “I regret what I did. I regret everything about it. She— It’s like a snowball and I can’t stop it from tumbling down the hillside.” He looks at me as if I hold all the answers. As if I can get him out of his own mess.

  “Why are you telling me this? It doesn’t matter anymore. None of it matters.” I rip the shirt from his hands.

  “Why doesn’t it matter? Because of him? You don’t love him, Jo. You won’t have what we had with anyone else.” And it occurs to me that four years have gone by, and he chooses now to do this. Now that someone else is holding all of my attention. It’s now that he wants to see if he can reel me back in.

  “You’re as bad as she is, Max. There was a time I wished you would remember me and the things we shared. But that time has come and gone. You made a choice. Now live with it.” Shaking my head, I make my way past him.

  He reaches out, his fingertips wrapping around my upper arm, and spins me around to face him. “I don’t believe you. I know there’s still something there. Baby, please,” he begs, as he crushes his mouth to mine. I’m frozen in shock as he parts my lips with his tongue, trying to rekindle a fire that was put out a long time ago. My mind flashes to Traveler and the natural passion that ignites when we are within proximity of each other. Nothing is forced. And without a shadow of a doubt, if there ever was one, I know that I have nothing left to give Max. My heart is no longer his. I jerk my head away from him, pull my hand back and slap him across the face, my nail catching the side of his cheek bone.

  “Believe me now?” I look longingly at his bewildered expression right before I leave him standing in my room alone.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Traveler

  Something isn’t right. I can feel it churning inside of my chest, though I can’t place where the feeling is originating from. Part of it is her. It’s like there is a magnetic pull constantly trying to connect its way to Johanna. It’s unstoppable, and I know that eventually I will lose the battle to stay away. Some part of her was left behind with me, her atoms connecting with mine in a way I can’t explain. I know it is the same for her, and I feel like she needs me the way I need her. Though
I’m staying busy in the meantime, I’ve stopped lying to myself. I’ve fallen in love with her. How could I not? And I’m acutely aware it probably makes me a damn idiot. My only hope is that this unsettled feeling will dissipate.

  Arden has been keeping me completely occupied. He’s been watching my every move to see if the pressure is getting to me. He still doesn’t trust me with assignments, but he has found my mother. Through a brief line of messages sent via the Tech Division to her cell phone, there is a plan set in place for me to meet her in two days. She will drive to the foothills of the Appalachians in the northeast quadrant of Tennessee. It’s too risky for me and her both to shift to the same location. It doubles our chances of being seen. And though it’s been twenty-seven years since she went missing, she still needs to be cautious.

  Of course, there is also the added risk that she didn’t receive the messages at all. With no way to reply to us, we can only hope she will follow the plan Arden laid out for her.

  I make my way into the cafeteria. My appetite hasn’t quite returned, but I force myself to grab a burger and a bottle of water before I meet Arden. I’m filling my cup with ice, when I see Sephia standing alone near the entrance. She’s looking around the room, jumping every time someone comes in the door. She’s avoided me for days. She avoids everyone lately.

  “Sephia, please don’t walk away,” I say to her gently, as I approach. She startles and practically leaps out of her skin. She seems terrified, and it makes me want to rip Vlad limb from limb. Two years ago, Sephia was vibrant and full of life. It’s like he’s sunk his fangs into her soul and sucked away everything about her that made her shine. The Sephia I knew was rude, intelligent, independent, and a total spitfire. This shell of her is timid and always on edge. I don’t know when it started happening, but I’ve slowly been watching him change her.

  “I can’t talk to you, Traveler.” She’s wild-eyed and looking around the room for someone to catch her in the act.

  “Your face has healed a good bit. I can still see evidence of the bruise you’re trying to hide under layers of makeup. What are you doing, Sephia? What is this?”

  “You don’t understand. It wasn’t his fault. I shouldn’t have ever questioned him. I took too long looking for you the other night. I shouldn’t have questioned him,” she repeats in a low whisper, trying to leave.

  “For fuck’s sake, listen to yourself. I’m going to report him. It’s not going to get any better.”

  “You’ll report what?” A low raspy growl comes from behind me, and I know it belongs to Vlad without having to turn around.

  “Look at her face, you sorry piece of shit.” I don’t give him the satisfaction of reacting to his presence. I stay focused on Sephia, begging me with her eyes to drop it. I can’t.

  Vlad walks around from behind me and stands next to her, putting his arm across her shoulders a little too roughly. I watch as she clenches her eyes shut, like she’s waiting for her punishment for speaking to me.

  “Ahhh yes. You really must be more careful, my darling, we can’t have you slamming into any more doorframes, can we?” He lifts her chin up to peer at her face. A tight-lipped smile is the only response he receives from her. “Isn’t that right?” he coaxes.

  “Yes. Just a clumsy mistake.” She stares at his face, her voice even.

  “So, you see Traveler, what exactly would you report? And to whom for that matter? It seems to me you are looking for something that just isn’t there.” His clever remark forces a grin from his mouth that needs to be smashed into his face. His white teeth shine off the fluorescent lighting.

  I look Sephia directly in the eye, speaking only to her. “He won’t stop, Sephia. Whatever bullshit lie he’s fed you, whatever apology he’s given, he won’t stop. This is who he is. I know him,” I say the last part, turning my face to him and I stab my finger into his chest. He slaps it away.

  “I will arrest you for assault if you aren’t careful. I have a room full of people who just saw you put your hands on me.” Another grin plays on his lips.

  It takes every fiber of my being not to kill him where he’s standing. Looking at Sephia, who has tears in her eyes, I lean toward her. “Are you okay?” She bobs her head up and down too quickly for it to be true, but for the moment there is nothing I can do. I walk away from them and head to the Shifting chambers to meet Arden.

  The afternoon air is void of heat; its cool and crisp currents are billowing off the mountain range to the west and chilling the atmosphere around me. Even the wind carries a memory of her. An image of Johanna flashes into my mind. She’s standing in the grass on the hillside of her hometown, staring up at the night sky as the breeze plays with a lock of her hair. It crushes me. I pick up my pace and jog across the courtyard, in a hurry to get to Arden, anything to take my thoughts away from her for a moment.

  Entering the Shifting room, Arden greets me with a worried face that he’s trying to hide behind a smile. “Sleep well last night?” I can tell he thinks I haven’t.

  “No,” I reply abrasively, shaking my jacket off my shoulders. I roll my sleeves up, exposing my forearms. The heat in the Shifting room is a stark contrast to the beginnings of a chilly fall outside.

  “It will get better.” He pats my shoulder as he removes the chip from my neck.

  “You don’t think, when you finally allow me to go on a recorded assignment again, that they won’t notice an indiscretion with my chip readings when it’s scanned? They aren’t idiots.” I’m unable to keep the rude undertones from my voice. I run my hands over my face and bang my fist on the counter top.

  “Easy. Let me handle that. Right now, we need to keep you focused on the upcoming assignment,” he says impatiently, and with a pointed look. He pauses, then walks around to face me. “Traveler, look at me. You know the importance of this.”

  “Fuck, I know. This is important to me too, and I won’t mess it up. I’m going to the bathroom. I need a minute.” I don’t wait for a response before I walk out of the doors and down the hallway.

  I pass the Tech Division room and see that it is empty, as usual for a Saturday morning. There are no weekend assignments, so there is no reason for personnel. Standing in the entryway, I know what I want to do. What I shouldn’t do.

  “Fuck it.” I dart inside before anyone in the hallway has a chance to see me. After watching Arden send covert messages to Jaqueline Romanoso for the past six days, I know a little more about what I’m doing in here. I make my way to the smooth compact machine toward the center of the room. As I come closer, it fires to life asking me again for the security clearance code. I enter in Arden’s personal password and wait, thinking to myself that he’s too trusting of me. Even I don’t trust myself when it concerns her. I don’t know Johanna’s phone number. I only know the one she gave me for Mary-Beth that night. I enter the numbers into the machine, select the satellite I need for 2016, and hastily type out a message:

  —It’s Traveler. Tell Johanna I haven’t forgotten.—

  I exit out of the screen and leave the room untouched, and no one is the wiser. Racing back down to the Shifting room, I steady my breaths. Arden is sitting, patiently waiting. I don’t feel an ounce of guilt. I only feel some small amount of comfort knowing that I’ve reached out to her in some way. I want her to know, at the very least, I will never forget her.

  “Are you ready to go over our plan for tonight, or are you still sulking about something?” he asks while drumming his fingers.

  “I’m fine. It’s just…everything.” I hold my hands out by my sides and then drop them.

  “Let’s focus on one task at a time. Tonight, at eight o’clock you will meet me here. I will calibrate your machine to the meeting point between you and Jaqueline. You will scout the area the following morning and make certain that it is safe for her to arrive. I don’t foresee any problems; however, if you have any suspicions, you will communicate to her immediately that she should not come. We have time on our side. Once you are in 2016, you can receiv
e a reply from her. I will cover for you here while you are away. Sunday night at eleven p.m. you will return. That gives you a few hours with your mother before you come straight back here,” he instructs. The last part is accentuated, and I understand his reasoning. He needs to know that I’m okay, that Jaqueline is okay, and that neither of us were discovered.

  “We’ve gone over this plan, Arden. I understand. Completely.” He is worried, and I should be thankful, but I only feel the gravity of it weighing on my shoulders. I rest my face in my hands.

  “You should get some sleep before tonight. You won’t have much opportunity for it in the upcoming days.” I stand, grabbing my jacket to leave. “It was for the best,” Arden says, as if he can read my mind. “Tonight. Eight p.m.” And I nod my head in agreement.

  ****

  I have tossed and turned the past several nights, yet tonight I closed my eyes and finally relax. Immediately upon waking up, my thoughts turn to Johanna. I wonder if she is yearning for me the way I do her, if she is angry with me. I miss her. I think about Jaqueline Romanoso and wonder if she will see the misery I’m going through. If anyone could understand it, I think it could be her.

  The clock above my door reads seven p.m. I have enough time to shower and eat before meeting Arden in the Shifting room.

  The hallways are relatively empty, and I’m thankful for it. My ability to converse with people was already lacking; it seems my heart being ripped out of my chest has intensified this flaw in my design. I’m bitter, and even more so, I don’t care. My hand subconsciously raises to my chest. It’s true what they say about a heart breaking, you really can feel it.

  I take the coldest shower my body can stand, and then quickly dry off. I shake my head, then smear the water droplets off the mirror and look at my reflection. The man I’m looking at is a stranger, even to myself. The only time I ever really knew him was the few days I spent with her. Rolling my eyes, I tell myself to get it together. I have to focus on the task at hand tonight. I throw on my jeans and white T-shirt. Though the air is cool here in Colorado, it is still sticky and hot in the south. Back in my room, I secure the leather bracelet around my wrist, covering the glowing numbers, then throw on a gray flannel shirt and roll the sleeves up.