Into The Clear Water

by Celeste, B.

  All I can focus on is the straight A’s in each one of my classes leading up to finals this week. Even though I had to miss some over the semester to tend to Ainsley, or my own selfish needs, or the placement fiasco, I worked my ass off for what I’ve received and know as long as I can study that I’ll walk away with a 4.0 by the time finals are finished.

  When I near the staff offices and walk down the corridor where Carter’s room is at the end on its own, I hear two familiar voices and stop outside the door.

  “…fault. Don’t you think it’s a little unfair to blame her for this?”

  My brows pinch over Carter’s question. The tone of his voice is firm, disbelieving. But it’s my brother’s voice that breaks through that has me pressing my back against the wall and debating on leaving before they can catch me eavesdropping.

  “We’re not blaming her, man.”

  “It seems like—”

  “You don’t have a right to judge,” Ren says harshly. “We love you and love her, but it’s hard for me. For us. Neither of us expects you to understand because you and Elizabeth never wanted kids.”

  I hold my breath when Carter responds in a cool tone I haven’t heard him use before. “How the hell would you know what we did or didn’t want? I get that you’re upset, Ren, but you have no right coming into my office and going off on me about shit you don’t understand.”

  “Elizabeth said…” Ren pauses, suddenly sounding unsure. “I’m sorry, Carter. Liz told me that you guys didn’t agree about having a family which is why you two separated.”

  There’s a long, tense moment where nobody says anything. I wish I could make my presence known and see what Carter’s expression must be, but I remain still where I am.

  “Did she now?”

  “Carter…”

  “Whatever. Liz is gone and her reasonings were clearly not ones she wanted to share. For the record, I did want kids. It was her who didn’t. Whatever preconceived notions you have in your head right now, get rid of them. They don’t even justify why you’re being a bitch to Piper.”

  The sound of my name rings warning alarms in my ears. Biting down on my bottom lip, I shift slightly without making any noise and wait for Ren or my brother to reply.

  It’s Jesse who says, “She’s not intentionally—”

  “Oh, come on. Jesse, you both treat your sister like crap. You never talk to her and barely ask about her. She thinks you don’t love her so she stopped reaching out.”

  “That’s…” My brother is at a loss for words for the first time. “I just had dinner with her a few weeks back. We’re fine. She knows I love her, Carter. And you can’t call my wife a bitch.”

  I’m grateful for Carter now more than ever when he defends me again. It’s more than I can ask from my own blood. Half blood. I think Jesse cares about that distinction. “I simply stated that she’s being bitchy toward your sister. Piper knows something is up between you guys and she thinks she’s the center of it. She didn’t ask for the situation she’s in. You can’t fault her for anything. Be logical human beings.”

  “This whole thing is getting out of hand,” Jesse states, a chair scarping back. “We were in the area and wanted to stop by to say hi. So, hi. We should get going though.”

  “That’s it?”

  “What else is there, Carter?”

  “You’re not going to see your sister?”

  “She’s busy.”

  “How do you know?” Carter throws back.

  It’s Ren who replies, “I know you must think I’m an awful person for avoiding her and Ainsley, but I’m not. I’m just a woman who’s desperate to have what she does. Watching her with Ainsley hurts. You have no idea what seeing those two does to me.”

  “Wow.” One word. One short little word from Professor Ford and I know Ren is about to learn a lot that she clearly doesn’t know already. My anger builds with all the things I want to tell her, to yell at her, but I press my lips tight together and wait for Carter to do that for me. “I never took you for the selfish type, Ren. If you gave your sister-in-law a chance, you’d see how hard she’s had it. Imagine being her age and being told that not only is your best friend dead, but you’re now legally responsible for his daughter. Put yourself in her shoes when she found out that same daughter no longer verbally speaks—how hard that must have been for Piper to go through doctors and therapists to try getting her to say even one word, to cry over the loss of Danny, anything. Do you know she would have been done with school by now if she didn’t have Ainsley? Her life got thrown upside down because of Danny’s death. And through it all, she survived.

  “I’ve been able to witness an amazing woman in Piper that you two clearly don’t see because you’re too busy being stuck in your own problems. I don’t know how you can deal with yourselves being jealous and petty toward somebody who’s family. If she were my sister, I would make sure to at least check in on her to see how she’s coping. Have you even bothered to do that much?”

  “I went to the fucking funeral,” my brother growls. “That’s more than you can say, asshole.”

  “You’re right.” Carter’s voice is even. “I know how much that upset Piper and how rude it was to not even send flowers to Mable. She told me off because she had every right to. And you know what? I’m glad she did. Maybe she should do the same to you, but I know she won’t. She’s hurt that her own big brother won’t give her the time of day, so she distances herself in order to give you the space you’ve made it clear you want. No wonder she thinks you don’t love her.”

  “Listen here—”

  “Jess,” Ren says quietly. “He’s not wrong. We’ve been caught up in trying to have kids that we neglected a lot of people, but Piper the most. She is your sister.”

  A heavy sigh sounds in the room. “It’s not that I don’t love her, okay? But our pasts are different. Our mothers are different. Piper and I just… We’re nothing alike. We have nothing to talk about. Danny was our safe topic.”

  “So, what?” Carter doubts. “You can still talk about him. Or, you know, make basic conversation. Ask how she’s doing. See how school is. You always hold back, Jesse. That isn’t fair to her. She’s trying.”

  Nothing. My brother stays silent. Shaking my head, I turn on my heel in defeat before he decides to speak up again. “Like I said, it’s not that I don’t love her. She’s my sister. We’ll just never be close.”

  Hurt squeezes my chest as I absorb that. He says he loves me, but I don’t believe him. Maybe he’s right, we’re too different. Our age. Our backgrounds. We may not have a lot in common, but I know I could hold a conversation with him if he really wanted to try.

  Carter mirrors that thought. “It’s a shame you’re willing to walk away from her, man. She’s a good person, a hard worker, and a great mother to Danny’s little girl. Your personal problems shouldn’t get in the way of finally getting to know her after all these years.”

  All Jesse says is, “Yeah, well…”

  I don’t expect him to walk out of the room until it’s too late. My glazed eyes meet his, his widening in shock as I grip my bag and stare at his pale face. “Shit. Piper—”

  I hold up my hand. “You’ve said all you had to say, Jesse. But don’t you dare lie to me and say that you love me. You just feel obligated to because we have Dad’s blood running through our veins.” Rubbing my lips together, I dig through my bag and see Ren come out of the room from the corner of my eye. I pull out two tickets, passing one to them each. “Come to the commencement ceremony or don’t. At this point, I really don’t care. I’ve had enough of half-assed love in my lifetime. I don’t need yours.”

  Ren frowns as Jesse’s eyes dull. I’m surprised to see hurt. It’s almost as if he does care in some way. Or maybe he just hates knowing I called him on his bullshit. Either way, I meant what I said. I’m done.

  Carter walks out and stands behind them, sympathy edged into his features. I ignore him and look at my brother and his wife, suddenly wishing I’d j
ust gone home. Anywhere but here to share the good news. “Before you act like the other half of my blood that we don’t share is bad, you should probably remember who gave you a roof over your head and food in your stomach. You can say that we’re different and have nothing in common that connects us, but we both come from a good home with good values. My mom might not be yours, but she’s never treated you like that. You were never grateful for that and it showed. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry that you lost your mother and sister. But I know what it’s like to lose somebody. We could have leaned on each other. Connected that way. Grieved. Mourned. Instead, you chose to make me an outcast in your life.”

  I look to Ren. “And you. I’m sorry that you’re struggling to have kids. You can hate me all you want, make excuses as to why you can’t come to dinner that I got up way too early to make, and avoid me at all costs. In fact, throw away that ticket before you leave campus if that’s what you want. But you don’t know me, so you can’t make any assumptions about how easy I must have it to be a twenty-something-year-old mother who had to drop everything. I wasn’t prepared. I made sacrifices. I’ve cried myself to sleep and tortured my liver with alcohol when shit got tough. But Carter is right. I survived. Danny counted on me to make sure his baby girl has a good life, and I can’t have toxic people in it if this is how they act.”

  She blinks back tears as I step away. I have nothing more to say to them. If I even try opening my mouth again, I’ll break. I can feel the beginning of tears well in my eyes, and I refuse to let them see me fall apart. Not here. Not now.

  I turn on my heel and ignore Carter calling out my name. He defended me and I’m thankful for that. Nothing will make how my brother feels about me any better though.

  When I lock myself in my car, I ignore the burning tears that want to fall. I focus on how beautiful the day is, how the snow is gone, the sun is out, and the temperature is warm enough to wear long sleeves outside without a jacket.

  There are no more snow squalls.

  No more ice.

  It’s a good day despite my brother.

  When I park my car in my driveway at home, a crushing weight rests on my chest. I struggle to breathe when the sound of fresh air from the open car windows and loud noise of passing traffic aren’t there to distract me any longer. It hurts. To breathe. To not think. To not cry.

  I walk in the door and stop dead in my tracks when I see Easton at the bottom of the stairs. Through teary eyes that I can no longer hold off, I see his expression morph from surprise to concern in a heartbeat when he sees my face.

  Not anger. Not accusation. Just worry.

  But not having the energy to hash out the turmoil boiling me alive from everything that’s happened, I gently brush past him and enter my room, locking the door behind me.

  I hear his footsteps.

  I hear the knock.

  But I don’t answer.

  I text my parents.

  Me: Are you still picking up Ainsley and bringing her to your house for the night?

  Mom: Yes. We’ll have her back to you tomorrow afternoon. Your father bought her new movies to watch.

  Me: Thank you

  Shutting off my phone, I toe out of my shoes and strip down until I’m just in my underwear before crawling under my blankets. I let the first tear fall into my pillow and soak into the worn cotton, falling asleep as the rest follow suit in endless streams.

  When I get up the next morning, I open my door to find Easton’s slumped form sleeping against the wall right outside. His long legs are spread out in front of him, his arms crossed loosely on his chest, and his lips parted as he snores softly without knowing I’m staring.

  My throat closes from the swarm of emotion as I watch the man who’s ignored me for weeks sleep there like my protector, and that’s when I know for sure.

  God, I’ve always known.

  Chapter Thirty

  The coffee mug in my hand steams as I stare at the black liquid filling it to the rim. I’m so focused on it that I don’t hear anybody walk into the room until a husky voice says my name.

  Blinking up at my roommate, I see him watching me with pinched brows where I sit at the island. A raw bagel sits on the counter in front of me that he trails his focus to. “You haven’t had your coffee yet.” He walks over and grabs the bagel, splitting it in half and popping it into the toaster. Picking up the butter in silent question, I nod my head and watch him grab a knife from the drawer to spread it with.

  “You slept outside my room,” I answer quietly, setting my cup down without taking a sip. It’s not too hot. It’s the exact temperature I always drink it, but I can’t think about caffeine when I keep remembering the way his body slept feet away from me in the cold hallway.

  His back stays turned to me as he waits for the toaster to pop up with my breakfast. He grabs a plate from the cabinet and sets it in front of him. “You were upset.”

  Rubbing my lips together, I will him to look at me. He doesn’t. He grabs the bagel as soon as it comes up and butters both sides, taking his time. When he brings the plate over to me, he tips his chin and grabs the carton of eggs from the fridge.

  “Is that all you’re eating?” he asks.

  Are we really not going to talk about what happened? Ignoring the food and drink ready to be consumed, I lean back on my stool. “You called me crazy.”

  He stops what he’s doing, staring at the eggs that are opened by the stove. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “I’m not crazy.”

  “I know.” Grabbing a frying pan, he places it over the burner and flicks the knob on. Once a couple eggs are broken in it and begin sizzling, he loosens a sigh. “Jay hates it when I bake. He barely even cooks for himself. Guy buys premade food and neglects his kitchen.”

  Hands twitching in my lap, I try thinking of how to start the kind of conversation worth having with him. “I don’t want to talk about Jay right now, Easton. Can’t we talk about what happened?”

  He flips the eggs, not saying anything right away. I wait for him to be the one to respond, letting my food grow cold as he waits for his breakfast to finish cooking. It isn’t until he’s seated across from me when he meets my eyes and I notice how tired he looks. Something tells me it’s from more than just poor sleep outside my room. “I didn’t sleep with anybody, Piper.”

  My appetite becomes nonexistent, even for coffee. “That’s what Jay said too.”

  “I’m not lying. He wasn’t either.”

  I shrug. “It’s really none of my business what you do with people, Easton. We didn’t make any rules when we started sleeping together. It would have made things easier in case you wanted to—”

  “I didn’t want to,” he cuts me off. He grips the fork in one hand and rubs the back of his hand with another. “Look, I’m not good at this. The talking thing. The feelings thing. Maybe you’re right. Maybe we should have talked about things when we started having sex regularly, but I didn’t think it mattered.”

  I cringe.

  He grumbles. “I mean I didn’t think you were interested in anybody else. I sure as hell haven’t been. Yeah, I get why you think I was hooking up with chicks on the side, but I wasn’t. It was only ever you, Piper. It’s only you.”

  Lips parting, I fumble to formulate a response to that. It’s only you. Present tense. As in, he still thinks that. “What exactly are you trying to tell me? Jenna said… and Jay…” I shake my head and rub my temples. “You never acted like you wanted more with me. You’d leave every single night and you were hot and cold about, well, everything. You barely talk to me, you never want to have conversations about your past, it’s like you never wanted me to know you as anything more than your roommate.”

  He grinds his teeth. “That isn’t true.”

  I throw back, “It’s not?”

  “I…” Straightening, he sets his fork down and blows out a breath. “I got you flowers.”

  Confusion sweeps through me. “What? When did you…?” My words d
ie down when I look at the empty vase by the sink where my Valentine flowers were. I swallow. “You said they weren’t from you. That you had no idea what I was talking about when you sent them.”

  “I lied.”

  Scoffing, I process those two words. “I don’t even know what to say right now. Why would you lie about that?”

  He stares at his eggs. “Piper, I already admitted I’m not good at this.”

  “Try,” I grind out.

  His shoulders tense as he looks up at me through thick lashes. “We started out having sex because we were using each other. You wanted an escape, so did I. But then it stopped being about distracting myself. I thought you were feeling the same way until you said the flowers were probably from Professor Lover Boy.”

  I throw my hands up. “Because you said they weren’t from you. Which, by the way, I felt so stupid for assuming.” I take a moment and absorb what he called Carter. “Did you really just refer to him as Professor Lover Boy?”

  He ignores my question. “I didn’t know you were even talking to anybody else. Like you said, we never agreed to be exclusive. I figured if you were interested in somebody else, who the hell was I to stop you?”

  “You were rude to me about him,” I accuse coolly, crossing my arms. “You made awful comments that weren’t even accurate at the time. I get that you probably think I’m easy for being fine with casual sex and for getting involved with my professor, but it wasn’t like that. I’m not like that.”

  His eyes darken instantly. “I never called you that. You’re not easy.”

  “No, I’m just a taste of crazy. Right?”

  His nostrils flare. “I was out of line and I’m sorry. If I didn’t care so much, I wouldn’t even think twice about you sleeping around. But I do. I fucking care a lot and it tortures me knowing you’re going out and having fun with somebody who isn’t me.” He slaps a palm against his chest. “I want to take you on dates. I want to make you laugh. I want to be there for you when you’re upset. Me. Not him. Not anybody else.”