My Body-His
Page 20
“I need to be able to trust you and you me or this will not work.”
“You can … I do. I promise to discuss anything that comes up in the future.”
“Why do I feel there’s more? Is there something else you need to tell me?”
I swallowed like there was a lump in my throat. “No, nothing,” I said.
“Are you sure? Because this would be the time to start with a clean slate.”
“That was it, Luke.”
“Okay,” he said. He stood looking out at the ocean for a while longer and turned back to me. “We have a lot of planning to do, and I have phone calls to make. Let’s get dressed and head home.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
My first task at work on Monday had me locating my replacement as the personnel coordinator. I walked down the hall around the cubicles to Allison’s office.
“Want my job?” I said, barging through her door.
“Your job? You’re kidding, right?”
“It’s a yes or no question,” I said, smiling at her.
“You’re serious,” she said. She stared at me with her eyebrows raised. “You’re leaving?”
“I gave notice on Friday and need to hire someone to take over. Interested?”
“I’m interested in knowing what the hell is going on. Then I’ll think about the job.” She pushed her hair behind her right ear and looked directly at me.
“I’m getting married.”
“WHAT?”
“Well, that’s not why I gave notice. The proposal came after that or because of that or well … who cares? I’m getting married!” I said. I laughed and stared back at her.
“When?”
“Would you believe me if I told you I’m getting married before you?”
“Do you know what you’re doing? I mean I’m happy if you’re happy, but Jane, you haven’t known him that long.”
“That’s true, but how long should it take?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t know.” Allison stood up, leaned down and placed her hands on top of the desk. Looking me squarely in the eye, she said, “You seem happy. Just tell me you’re sure and I’ll be there …. Tell me when and where.”
“I’m sure, and thank you,” I said. I went around the desk and gave her a big hug. I knew she would be the easiest of the bunch to tell. “And the job, do you want it?”
“I have to think about it and talk it over with Rick. I like my job okay and would love the extra money but I’m not sure about the added stress. My job’s a piece of cake. Can I let you know tomorrow?”
“First thing if you can because if it’s not you, I need to dig out the files.”
“I’ll come by your office tomorrow to let you know, and thanks for thinking of me.” She sat down at her desk and as I headed for the door, I heard her say, “Wow, she’s getting married.”
* * * *
I called Sandy on my lunch break.
“I have some news,” I said.
“Give me a sec,” she said. I could hear rustling and a door shutting. “Back, so tell me.”
“Well I’ve given notice at my job—”
“Wow, what will you do instead?”
“I’m going to try my hand at writing a novel.”
“And Luke’s okay with this?”
“It was his idea. He’s wanted me to quit my job.”
“Oh, I see. Well you must be excited. I don’t know what I would do with all that time on my hands but I’m sure you’ll be able to handle it.”
“There’s more—”
“More … well spit it out.”
“Stop talking and I will,” I said, chuckling.
“Me stop talking? That’ll never happen. I’ll try holding my breath.” Sandy laughed and I could hear her taking in a huge intake of air. She spit the air out and giggled.
“I’m getting married,” I said.
“Get the fuck out of town. Really?”
I laughed hysterically at her response. “Yes, really.”
“Wow, Jane, when you do it, you do it fast. I thought Luke was just great. I’m very excited for you.”
“You’re not going to tell me to slow down and be careful and all that?”
“I think you have Parker for that,” she said.
“Right,” I said, giggling.
“Have you told her yet?”
“No. We were supposed to meet for dinner tomorrow but she left me a message that we need to reschedule. I’ll try to reach her later.”
“Well, give her my love. I have to get back to the grind. I’m so happy for you. Jason will be thrilled, too. Oh, and ask Luke about all of us getting together.”
“Will do.”
* * * *
I thought about calling my mother. I weighed calling my father but I couldn’t have them both at the wedding, and I owed it to my mother to include her. Would Luke agree to call Mom? I knew I was being a chicken shit but I didn’t want to have to explain to her that her idea of a huge wedding would never happen. And so that day I called neither.
I bought a wedding magazine on the way home from work. I was finally buying one for my own actual wedding with excitement and confidence. “No bag needed!” I told the saleswoman. I wanted to flash it around as I walked back to my car. I hoped my dream dress lay between the covers of the magazine.
I undressed by the door and sensed the emptiness of Luke’s absence. I happily plopped down on the couch and flipped through the pages and pages of wedding dresses. I couldn’t decide what kind of gown interested me. Would the wedding be by the pool or on the beach? I liked the idea of a simple ivory dress with a slight train trailing behind me as I walked barefoot on the sand.
Toward the middle of the thick magazine I found a dress with a halter top that wrapped around the neck of the model. It had no bustle and flowed nicely to the ground. I folded the corners of pages to mark the few others that interested me. I could not wait to show Luke.
Luke had said we’d go ring shopping that day so I soon became annoyed by his continued absence and my growing hunger.
I was still browsing the magazine when the door finally opened.
“Hey, babe,” Luke said as he strolled into our place.
“Hi,” I said and stood.
We walked toward each other and embraced. He lifted me off my feet and placed me back down. Smacking my butt, he said, “So is Allison going to take your job?”
“She’s letting me know tomorrow. It’s a considerable jump in income so I imagine she’ll say yes. She’s used to not having to do too much at her current job so she’s not too keen on the added stress.”
“I see.”
“I’m starving,” I said, moving back to the couch. I picked up the magazine and turned the pages until I found the dress that I liked best. “What do you think?”
“As we will be having the wedding at our new house … no dress will be necessary.”
“Very funny, Luke,” I said. “What do you think of it? Not your taste? There’s another ….”
He seized the magazine from my hands and tossed it down on the coffee table. I looked down where it had landed. He lifted my chin so I looked up to him. “No dress, Jane. Your body’s mine. It’s the symbol of what you’re pledging to me.”
“My mother won’t come, my friends won’t come. Luke, no, I have to draw the line somewhere.” I flumped down on the couch and crossed my arms. “I want a dress.”
“Then what you want is to marry someone else. You clearly don’t want me and what I’m offering. I guess I’ll go return the ring.” He pulled a black box out of his pocket. “I was going to present it to you over dinner, but now ….”
“Wait,” I said. “I don’t know.”
“Your body’s either mine or it’s not. Apparently it’s not. So we’re done here, Jane. Sorry you wasted my time.”
“LUKE, wait,” I said as I stood and began to pace.
Panic-stricken, I didn’t know what to do. I wanted him, I wanted Luke, but did I really want
what he offered me? He had bestowed such freedom upon me and yet exerted such control. I couldn’t fathom who I’d become if I continued to let him push my boundaries. He’d push and push. Would there ever be an end to it? How far could I or would I go? I thought all of this as I stood there, forcing back the tears. I willed myself to walk away but I couldn’t. When someone has intertwined their energy with yours, walking away is akin to having your guts ripped out, your soul torn in two. I couldn’t will myself to leave any more than I could will myself to stop breathing.
The tears finally mutinied and spilled down my cheeks as I walked up to him. “You haven’t wasted your time,” I said.
“Good. I hate being wrong about a person,” he said. He lifted me off the ground and I wrapped my legs around his waist. He hugged me to him, his sandy brown hair tickling my cheek. “You actually scared me, Jane, and I don’t scare easily,” he said into my ear.
Somehow that disclosure made me sure I’d made the right decision. I had no idea how I’d survive a wedding naked but in my mind I made as if it was in the far off future and not right around the corner. I decided not to think about it again that night.
“So what would you like for dinner,” he said as he sat down on the couch with me on his lap.
“The ring,” I said.
He laughed. “I don’t think that will be very filling.”
“Oh, I’ll manage,” I said. “I’m not quite as hungry as I was before.”
“Well then,” he said, shifting me onto the couch and getting down on one knee.
“Jane Jesse James … will you marry me?” He held out the box and opened it.
“That’s Jane Jessica Stiles. Pretty darn close, though.”
“Ahem. Jane Jessica Stiles, babe, my love, will you spend the rest of your days with me?” He took the ring out of the box and held my left hand.
“Yes, Luke,” I said. I threw my arms around his neck before he had a chance to put the ring on my finger.
He hugged me and set me back down on the couch. He slipped the ring onto my finger and it fit perfectly. “I have friends in the business and they sell one of a kind jewelry. The minute I saw it I knew you’d love it.”
“What a gorgeous ring. Are those purple stones on the sides? I’ve never seen anything like it. It’s beautiful.”
“The center stone is one and a half carat. I wanted it to be something you could wear every day.”
“You continue to amaze me. I hate the really big diamond rings and somehow—”
“I know you, love,” he said, taking my face in his hands and gently kissing my lips. He pulled away and said, “So, Soon To Be Mrs. Luke Hall, what would you like for dinner?”
* * * *
It wasn’t until Thursday of that week that I finally met up with Parker. She was dressed impeccably as always, and I thought, not for the first time, that she’d missed her calling as a runway model. I wondered if her lack of success in love had more to do with the sheer intimidation of her beauty and poise or her no-nonsense nature.
We hugged each other and took our seats at the café.
After we settled in, I blurted out, “We’re getting married.”
“Wow. Okay. Let me digest this,” she said. She looked out at the walkers along the boardwalk while we sat at a table outside the restaurant awaiting our food.
“I want to be happy for you, but have you really thought this through? I mean, what do you know about him? How long has it been? A few weeks, right?”
“Almost a month and a half. Forty-two days, to be exact. Why do I know this? I shouldn’t, right?” I laughed at myself. I wondered if all women kept track of that sort of thing. I failed to mention his absence for two weeks of it.
“That’s a very, very short amount of time to get to know someone,” Parker said.
Our food arrived and we ate without speaking. I couldn’t fathom how I would prepare her for the fact that I’d be naked. How do you explain that to someone? I had no idea how to tell her about my new lifestyle. I hadn’t told Sandy, either, or Allison. I still thought that Parker would be the one who would refuse to come. I did harbor some hope that everyone had their private kinks and could relate on some level. Hell, I didn’t want to do it, so why should other people want to take part in it?
I must want to do it or I wouldn’t have agreed, would I? At least I tried to convince myself of that. I knew it would make Luke happy and proud and maybe for that reason alone I’d be strong enough to go through with it. It seemed far easier to imagine myself doing something in the future and down the road—especially a challenge such as this one—than actually doing it.
“There’s more,” I said as we finished eating. My heart pounded out of my chest and I tried to calm my breathing.
“More? More than what? More than getting married?”
“Yes. More to tell you and you are not going to like this any better than me getting married in the first place.”
“Terrific. Let me have it,” Parker said, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms.
“I will be naked at the wedding,” I said. I experienced intense relief in saying it out loud to someone.
“Oh, so Luke’s a nudist?” Parker said, matter-of-factly.
“Not exactly. I’ll be naked, he’ll be dressed.”
“What the hell?” she said, uncrossing her legs and leaning forward. “You’ve got to be kidding. And you’re okay with this?”
“Well, it’s not my first choice but yes, I’m okay with it.”
“Jane, what about your mother? What about your other relatives?”
“The wedding will be small and I imagine my mother won’t come.”
“You haven’t told her?”
“I haven’t even told her I’m getting married.”
“Look, I like Luke and all but that, but come on, Jane, do you know what the hell you’re doing? This sounds crazy to me. And controlling. Do you want someone controlling you like that?”
I didn’t know what to say. Did I want someone controlling me like that? My mind said, “No fucking way.” But my body said, “Yes, please!”
I needed Parker to be there. I needed to convince her that this was what I wanted.
“I want everything Luke is offering me. Please tell me you’ll be there.”
“Of course I will. Who else will give the Justice of the Peace the reason the wedding shouldn’t happen?” she said, laughing.
“You wouldn’t,” I said, laughing with her but scared she meant it. “Oh, and one more thing—”
“I’m not sure I can take much more.”
“Very funny,” I said. “I’ve given notice at work.”
“Yeah, I know. Allison told me. We’ve been in touch since your party.”
“Oh cool. Um, let me tell her about the nudity, ’kay? I’ll do it tomorrow. That way you can talk to each other about it and decide just how crazy I am.”
“Sounds like a good plan,” Parker said and chuckled.
* * * *
Allison did take the job, as I suspected she would. Training was a breeze and even fun. Nice to enjoy the last two weeks of work knowing it would all come to an end shortly.
On Friday I told Allison about my lack of attire for the wedding. Parker had beaten me to it but I couldn’t be mad because it actually took some of the stress out of telling Allison. I laughed.
“What’s so funny?” Allison said.
“I was thinking I should have Parker call my mother and Sandy to tell them about my nakedness.”
Allison laughed with me and said, “Oh, she would be good for that.”
* * * *
When I got home that Friday with just a week of work left, Luke greeted me at the door.
“It’s all been arranged,” he said.
I began unbuttoning my shirt and said, “Are we talking about the wedding?”
“The wedding, the house, movers … all of it,” he said, taking my blouse from me.
“Wow,” I said. “You’re fast.”
“It’s mostly just the kitchen stuff and cleaning supplies under the sinks in the bathrooms. Oh and the furniture. I forgot about the furniture. What am I going to do with that stuff?” I handed Luke the rest of my clothes and we walked into the living room together.
“Like I said, I can have my guys take care of it. Is there anything personal you still want from there?”
“I don’t think so, but I’ve had that furniture for years. I got some of that stuff back in my college days.”
“If anything is important to you we can bring it over to the new place. If not, we’ll buy whatever we still need or want to fill the house. Do you have a desk you want to keep? We can put it in your new writing room.”
“Oh, I guess not,” I said. A part of me wrestled with letting go of all my old possessions; it was one more step away from my former self. I wasn’t really attached to any of my things, but I knew giving them away would make it even more difficult to turn back.
“When is all of this happening?” I said. I stared down at my hands, not looking directly at him.
“Baby,” he said, lifting my face. “Look at me, love. I know you’re scared. It’s a lot of change. Tell me what you need.”
“It’s just that it’s hard to let go of everything in my other life and I’m doing it all at once … or, well, it feels that way.”
“We can keep your condo and rent it out if you’d prefer. We can even leave the furniture there.”
Just having the option made me realize I didn’t need it. All I needed was Luke. All I wanted was our life together.
“Thank you for offering but I think you’re right. It’s time to sell it and move on with our life.”
“Excellent,” he said. “I’ll take care of everything except calling the people you want at the wedding. You can do that.”
* * * *