Being Known

by Robin Jones Gunn

  After unlocking the front door, I entered quietly, surprised to see that the light was on in the living room and a low murmur was coming from the TV. Joel was asleep on the sofa with his phone on the coffee table. I tried to decide if I should wake him or turn off the TV and lights and let him sleep. I whispered his name twice. He gave no indication that he heard me.

  At that moment I didn’t feel convinced that I should try harder to wake him. Tonight wasn’t the right time to have a deep heartfelt conversation with him.

  I tossed a throw blanket over him and headed upstairs as quietly as I could. I set the alarm for 5:30 a.m. since that was the time Joel usually got up if he was planning to go to work for early prep.

  My sleep was deep, which made the alarm even more jolting when it went off. I found Joel still asleep on the couch, snoring like a cartoon character who was only pretending to be zoned out.

  “Joel.” I shook his shoulder gently. “Joel.”

  He readjusted his position but didn’t open his eyes.

  “Hey, Joel. Joel, wake up.”

  He squinted at me, and I smiled as sweetly as I could. “It’s five thirty. I didn’t know if you had to get up.”

  “What day is it?”

  “Thursday.”

  “I’m going in at eight.”

  “Okay, I just wanted to make sure. I’ll let you sleep some more.”

  “Okay.”

  I yawned and started back upstairs, hoping my side of the bed was still warm. The house was chilly.

  “Hey,” Joel called out. “Wait. Come back.”

  I yawned again and went back, my arms folded across my chest as I tried to warm up.

  “Come here.” Joel scooted as far back as he could on his side and lifted the throw, inviting me to cuddle.

  “You sure we’ll fit?”

  “We used to. Come on.”

  I slid in and felt the luxury of his warm arms covering me, his warm breath on my neck.

  “We’ve still got it,” he murmured. “Just like all the good old times.”

  I smiled and nestled into a spooning position, transported back to memories of our best make-out sessions on the old couch at our first apartment.

  “I waited up for you,” Joel said. “When did you get home?”

  “Late. I tried to wake you.”

  He kissed the side of my neck. I turned my head so we could give each other a proper kiss.

  “Cumin?” Joel asked. “When did you have Mexican food?”

  “How can you always pick out flavors like that? I brushed my teeth.”

  “It’s your lips. Come here. I’ll tell you what else you had.” He kissed me again. “Salsa and tortilla chips. Wait.” Another lingering kiss. “Corn, not flour. And…” He kissed me again. “Lemonade. Definitely lemonade.”

  I twisted around until I could face him. “You cannot tell that by my lips.”

  The dim glow from the light above the stove revealed that Joel’s eyes were still only half opened. He grinned. “I checked the car app when my parents left since you had my car last night. I saw you were parked at Alejandro’s. They’ve always been heavy-handed with the cumin. And I know you like their lemonade.”

  I pinched him.

  He playfully pinched me back, and a tussle broke out under the blanket. We could have moved upstairs to the bedroom. But I think it made us both feel like newlyweds to shift and twist and find each other on the sofa.

  Later that morning, when the kids were watching their usual morning educational show and Joel and I were both showered and dressed, he looked over at me while making coffee, and he winked.

  I grinned. It’s funny, but the first thing I thought was, We don’t need a marriage conference. We just need a nice long vacation. It wasn’t the first time I’d thought it, but this time I was reminded of Christy’s comment about how love is more than skin on skin. It’s giving ourselves to each other in every way.

  The night before, during the conversation with Christy, I had felt such conviction that I needed to have a tell-all conversation with Joel. This morning, when everything felt better than ever and on track, I wondered what such a purging would accomplish.

  Maybe I’ve been relating too much to Tess’s issues and projecting them onto myself. I think I’ve been more conflicted than convicted.

  A few weeks ago I had felt so out of sorts because Joel didn’t remember what my usual order was from China Palace. This morning he made it clear that he knew that I preferred corn to flour tortillas and that I liked Alejandro’s lemonade. Food was such a portal to my husband’s heart. His love language.

  Joel really does know me. He does! I’ve been making too big of a deal out of everything, including Garrett. We need to just move forward.

  “Hey,” Joel said. “My dad’s birthday is this weekend, remember?”

  “Yes.”

  Joel poured his coffee into his favorite thermos. “I reserved the back room at the Blue Ginger, so we’re all set for four o’clock on Sunday. Mom wanted an early dinner instead of lunch.”

  “Will you have a replacement by then?”

  “Probably not. If I do, I’ll still be training him. I have two more interviews today.” Joel checked the time. “I’ll be able to pop in and out.”

  “Any ideas for a gift?”

  “You know Poppy. Having the family together is the only thing he wants every year. If you make him a card and have Eden draw a picture for him, he’ll be happy.” Joel leaned in and kissed me on the cheek. “Love you.”

  “When will you be home?”

  “Not sure.” He went over to the kids and gave them big hugs and kisses.

  “Daddy, can we go to the park today?” Eden clung to Joel. Her bed-head hair hung down her back. I was glad that I’d made an appointment last week for a haircut that afternoon. It was becoming nearly impossible to brush out the tangles without Eden ending up in tears.

  “Maybe Mommy can take you,” Joel said.

  “I want you, Daddy. I need you to take me to the park.” Eden gave him a pathetic little-girl pout. “Pleeeeease.”

  Joel turned to me, looking for a little backup.

  “Eden, we already have special plans for today.”

  “What special plans?”

  “You get to have your hair cut this afternoon.” I tried to make it sound as exciting as possible.

  The TV distracted her, and she answered the question the character was asking the audience. “E!” she shouted. “Like Eden!”

  Joel gave me a surprised look as if we were raising a child genius. I saw it as one more touchpoint where he was so disconnected from our kids, he didn’t know what was normal for their developmental stages.

  I followed him to the door. He gave me another kiss. “Have fun at the park with the kids.”

  He was out the door before I had a chance to correct him and say that we were going for a haircut, not to the park.

  Chapter 19

  Eden and Alex were wild all morning. Wild! I couldn’t figure out what had set them in motion or why they were getting into everything. I put aside my list of things to do, packed them up, and took them to the park.

  Bad idea. They were wild at the park too. I felt like a terrible mother when Eden refused to share the sand shovel and bucket with her brother and a little tyke who wanted to play with them.

  The jaunt was cut short, and I considered canceling the haircut for that afternoon. Anything to avoid taking our circus on the road and subjecting others to the minute-by-minute meltdowns of one or the other.

  We ended up going for the haircut after very short naps, and I couldn’t believe it. My children were golden. “Little angels” the hairstylist called them. Eden sat in a barber chair shaped like a red race car. Alex took his turn in the chair, and the stylist gave his thin hair a little gel and a cute p
art down the side. Alex loved turning the steering wheel and pushing all the buttons. They looked so cute and were rewarded with fruit-sweetened lollipops. Eden asked if we could come back every day.

  I decided to stop at GiGi and Poppy’s on the way home so they could see my two little radiant sunbeams, who no longer looked like two little waifs.

  “Stay for dinner,” GiGi said.

  “No, that’s okay,” I said. “I just wanted to say hi and thank you again for watching the kids last night.”

  “Of course. Anytime.”

  Poppy already had both kids beside him and was reading them a book, which was his favorite thing to do right when they arrived. It always calmed them, and Poppy used all his funny voices, which they loved.

  “Why don’t you leave the kids here for the night?” GiGi suggested. “We have everything they need. You and Joel could have an evening alone. Wouldn’t that be nice for the two of you?”

  “It would be wonderful. I don’t know when Joel is coming home, though.”

  “Call him. Tell him the two of you have the whole night to yourselves.”

  I had a feeling my mother-in-law was concerned because she recently had come to understand how much Joel was working and how little we saw of each other. Or it could have been that she noticed my yawning after my late night and was trying to send me home for a nap. Either way, I accepted her invitation and told the kids that GiGi and Poppy had a surprise: they wanted Eden and Alex to sleep at their house that night.

  “And have pancakes in the morning,” GiGi said. “Won’t that be fun?”

  Eden was elated. “Bunny pancakes? Can you make the bunny pancakes?”

  “For you, yes. We’ll make bunny pancakes for breakfast.”

  Alex took his cue from Eden, and when I left, the two of them were hopping and jiving in the living room as Poppy watched, grinning ear to ear.

  Who gets to have in-laws like these two?

  I checked my phone before driving home and saw that I had a text from Christy. She asked if I wanted to meet at the park that afternoon for a playdate.

  Can’t meet today. How about Saturday?

  Christy replied with an “okay” emoji and 10:00?

  I typed yes and added a clapping-hands emoji. I was so glad she had initiated a playdate. Hopefully my children would behave differently at the park if Hana and Cole were there. Even if they didn’t, at least I knew that Christy would understand.

  Joel was already home when I returned. He was once again stretched out, sound asleep on the sofa. His schedule had been so unpredictable that I didn’t expect him to be there.

  Poor guy.

  I covered him with a blanket and left a note on the coffee table before tiptoeing upstairs to snatch a nap in our comfy bed. I was bone-tired and knew that I had the freedom to sleep with no interruption from the kids. I settled into my favorite position on my right side and felt sleep close in on me with a mental and emotional heaviness.

  I heard Joel come into the bedroom sometime later. I woke, and for that brief twilight intersection between conscious and subconscious, I realized I had been in the middle of a vivid dream, and I remembered all of it. I was dreaming about Garrett.

  We were at the park with our kids, sitting close on the bench, and he had his arm around me. He was offering me a drink of his soda, and I was reaching for the cup, ready to share like we did in high school.

  My heart raced. What was he doing in my dream?

  I sat up and, realizing it was getting dark, turned on the bedside lamp. I tried to focus my eyes to see the time.

  “Hi,” Joel said softly.

  “Hi, Joel. Hi.” I felt odd, but I had to say his name aloud to bring myself back. To remind my confused thoughts of who I was and where I was. “What time is it?”

  Joel bent down and kissed me on the forehead. “Time to give your husband a kiss.”

  I played along and gave him a half-hearted kiss, still trying to move past the adrenaline burst and feel centered again. “Did you see my note about the kids staying at your parents?”

  “Yeah. What was that all about?” He slid into bed next to me and propped the extra pillows behind his back. Leaning over, he turned on the lamp on his nightstand.

  “They said they wanted the kids to stay. I think your mom is worried that we don’t see each other enough.”

  “We don’t,” Joel said.

  “No, we don’t.” I sat up and faced him, crossing my legs and stretching my arms over my head, trying to pull myself into the waking present. “You came home earlier than I thought you would.”

  “Thursdays are usually the slowest nights, you know.”

  At that moment I couldn’t have told you what night of the week it was. I still felt out of sync.

  “I felt good about the staff and how everything was looking, so I left. They haven’t called me yet, so no news is good news.”

  “Did you hire a new chef?”

  “Not yet. One more interview tomorrow.” Joel shook his head. “You’ll never guess who this last guy is. He called today and convinced me to interview him.”

  “Who is it?”

  “Vincent. He said he wants another chance.”

  “That’s odd. Why did he resign? I don’t think you ever told me.”

  “I never told you because he never gave a reason. I agreed to interview him tomorrow because I want to find out what happened.” Joel reached over and brushed my hair from the side of my face. “You never told me how the movie was last night.”

  “We didn’t go. We ended up at the Mexican restaurant talking all night.”

  “Why? Were you late for the movie?”

  “No.” I gave Joel an abbreviated version of how Tess saw a guy she had sort of gone out with, how it was complicated, and that we left so we could talk. I’m not sure why, but I added that Christy and Sierra knew the guy and that Christy had gone out with him in high school.

  “Strange coincidence,” Joel said.

  “I know.” Adjusting my position and watching Joel’s expression carefully, I attempted the icebreaker declaration that I had avoided for far too long. The moment had come. I wanted the truth to set me free in my thoughts and in my emotions.

  “I had a strange coincidence too.”

  Joel waited, his arms bent and his hands behind his head.

  “I ran into the guy I used to date in high school too.”

  “Last night?”

  “No. In January. You met him, too, actually.”

  “I did? When?”

  “At Eden’s first ballet class. He was there with his daughter, Violet.”

  Joel lowered his arms and leaned forward. “That guy was your high school boyfriend?”

  I nodded.

  “Was he there all the other weeks?”

  I nodded again, keeping my expression cool.

  Even in the soft light of our bedroom, I could see that Joel’s expression had darkened. “Why are you just now telling me?”

  I froze up. “It’s not a big deal. Just a coincidence. Christy saw a guy she dated in high school; I saw the guy I dated in high school. I wanted you to know. That’s all.”

  You’re minimizing. Tell him. Tell him everything. Don’t pull back.

  “But you saw him every week,” Joel said.

  “Not every week.” I felt like I was walking into a trap of my own making.

  “Did you meet his wife?”

  “No, she didn’t come with him.”

  Joel studied me, looking suspicious. “That guy messed with your head back then. I don’t want him messing with you now.”

  “He apologized for that, actually,” I said.

  “When?”

  “The first time I saw him. He said he had been wanting to apologize for a long time. I think it was sincere. I told him I fo
rgave him.”

  Joel scrutinized my expression. “Where did you go to have this deep conversation?”

  “Just outside. In front of the studio.”

  “You left Eden inside alone so you could have a clear-the-air talk with a guy who doesn’t deserve even a second look from you. Jennalyn, what were you thinking?”

  I wanted to lash out at Joel for talking to me the way he did, but if he was this tense already, what would he say if I told him about the deeper conversations I had with Garrett?

  Joel’s body language made it clear that he was mad. Really mad. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”

  “You don’t have to get angry at me. It’s not a big deal!” I felt like bursting into tears to relieve the emotional pressure. I was being a coward. I knew it. I wasn’t willing to tell Joel everything. Not under these circumstances. I wanted him to be patient and listen so he could understand. Of course, he couldn’t understand unless I gave him the whole story.

  There was no way I was willing to step into that minefield right now.

  “What’s going on with you, Jennalyn?” He climbed out of bed and paced. “You’re off having a reconciliation session with this jerk, in January, months ago, and you don’t think it’s important enough to tell me? What else aren’t you telling me? Are you seeing him?”

  “No, of course not! How can you say that?”

  “Because all the signs have been there.”

  “What signs?”

  “You’ve been different. Your hair, the makeup, you’ve lost weight. You’re not in the funk you were in at Christmas. You could be leading a double life with him, and I would never know.”

  “Joel!”

  “Are you having playdates with him?”

  “Joel, stop! Just stop! This is crazy! I’m not seeing him, and I’ll never see him again!” I was on my feet, facing him and feeling the fire in my veins.

  “Then why did you even bring it up?”

  “I wanted to tell you.” My voice quivered, and I hated myself for being so wobbly.