Being Known

by Robin Jones Gunn

  “Then why didn’t you just tell me back in January?”

  “Because!”

  “Because why?”

  “Because you’re never home!”

  It was the worst line that could have slipped out of my mouth. He marched past me, slammed the bedroom door, and stomped down the stairs. I stumbled back to the bed and folded at the waist.

  What have I done?

  Chapter 20

  “It was the worst argument we’ve ever had,” I told Christy on Saturday when we met up for our morning at the park.

  I almost cancelled meeting her because I was still so emotionally spent. But now I was there, sitting on the bench, watching our kids playing together nicely. I was glad I had come.

  I hadn’t told Christy what the argument was about. All I said was that Joel and I had a whole night to ourselves since the kids were at Poppy and GiGi’s, but all we did was fight.

  “How did things turn out for you guys? Were you able to talk it through?” she asked.

  “No, not really. We called a truce and finally went to bed with our backs to each other. Nothing was resolved. I didn’t get to really open up and tell him everything I wanted to talk about. It was so frustrating.”

  “I hate those kinds of nights.” Christy looked at me closely. She had sunglasses on, so if her eyes were giving any hints about what she was thinking, I couldn’t tell.

  I looked around to make sure no one was close enough to hear us.

  “We just fell back into our normal routine. That’s what we do. He says he isn’t mad. I say I’m fine. We go on.”

  “Are you fine?” Christy asked.

  “No.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “I need to get something off my heart. I don’t know if this is the best time or place, but I would really love it if I could talk to you about all of this, Christy.”

  “Of course.”

  I suddenly wasn’t sure where to start and felt self-conscious. “You asked me to promise you that I would tell Joel about seeing my high school boyfriend.”

  “Was that what the argument was about?” Christy asked. “Did you tell Joel about seeing…should I call him ‘Guy’?”

  I realized I hadn’t told Christy his name, so it made sense for her to assign the same man-of-mystery label to Garrett that we had given to Tess’s Guy. In that moment, I hated that I had a Guy in my life.

  “His name is Garrett,” I said softly. “There’s more than what I told you at Alejandro’s. Garrett reached out to me online, and we ended up chatting through a game app. I know it sounds stupid, but I kept it a secret.”

  It took Christy a moment before she asked the next question. “What did you and Garrett talk about?”

  “He and I both lost our mothers, like I mentioned before when I said he gave me the photos. Our moms were friends. Garrett and I started messaging about our moms and how hard it was to lose them. It was helpful to me at the time. I liked that he brought back good memories of my mother.”

  Christy’s eyes were still hidden behind her sunglasses, but her lips were in a soft expression that made me feel like I was being seen on the inside, so I went deeper.

  “But then he told me a lot about his marriage, and I could tell that he wasn’t very happy.”

  “That’s a dangerous place for you to step into,” Christy said.

  “I know.”

  I told Christy about the cave I had crawled into when I was alone, and how my mom and Garrett were in there with me, which messed with my emotions. I told her about the unexpected dream I had about Garrett on Thursday before the argument with Joel.

  “And you were sitting on this bench with him in your dream?” Christy asked.

  I looked around and realized, yes, this was the bench.

  “We can move over to that other bench if you want,” she said.

  “No, it’s fine. It doesn’t bother me. Honestly. I know the dream was just a mushed together mess of thoughts and emotions in my subconscious. The timing of it was terrible. It kind of repulses me now when I think about it.”

  “How much of this have you told Joel?”

  “None of it. Only that I saw Garrett and that he apologized to me.”

  “Didn’t Joel ask any questions after you both had mellowed out?”

  “No, he’s been focused on work. Yesterday I hoped we could talk, but all he wanted to do was tell me that he had hired Vincent back. Vincent had given him an earful about all that was wrong with the way things were set up at the Blue Ginger.”

  “Vincent criticized him, and Joel hired him back?”

  “Joel said Vincent was right; big changes need to be made. Joel is super optimistic. I hope he’s right about this being the change he’s been working toward.”

  Alex had toddled over to me and patted my legs with his sandy hands. I dug into the diaper bag and pulled out a wet washcloth in a zipped-up plastic bag so I could wipe his hands and mouth.

  “That’s a good idea.” Christy nodded at the DIY baby wipe.

  “I got the idea from Sierra. It saves on all those disposable ones I used to buy by the case.”

  “I’m right there with ya.”

  “It only works if you remember to remove it from the diaper bag after every outing. I pulled one out last summer that had been hidden in the bottom of the bag for weeks. I had to throw it away. It looked like a lab culture of some highly contagious virus.”

  Christy grinned. “Perfect analogy.”

  I turned to read her face. I wasn’t sure what she meant.

  “That’s why you need to get everything out and tell Joel. If you keep this in the dark or only do the…What did Tess call it?”

  “A guarded confession?”

  “I think she called it a partial disclosure,” Christy said. “You need to get everything out in the open with Joel, no matter how messy it is or how angry he gets.”

  “I understand.”

  “There wasn’t anything physical between you and Garrett, was there?”

  “No!”

  “I’m not accusing. I’m just asking,” Christy said. “You don’t need to share any of the details with me unless you want to. All that really matters is that everything is explained and resolved with Joel.”

  “I know. You’re right.”

  Alex was on my lap, resting his cheek on my chest as sweet as could be. I stroked his hair and kissed him on the top of his head. He popped up and looked at me with a big drooling smile.

  “How many teeth do you have now, Alex?” Christy leaned closer. “Look at you! You’re getting to be such a big boy. Come here. I have to get some cuddles in before you’re too big and won’t want your Auntie Christy giving you squeezes.”

  Alex went to Christy eagerly and played along with her game of peekaboo. He rewarded her with his best belly laugh, and she gave him a big squeeze.

  I felt different. Slightly relieved. Slightly more burdened. Christy had been understanding and accepting of everything I had told her. It made me wish I had talked to her about Garrett from the start.

  The reason I felt more burdened now was because I knew I couldn’t leave this closed up in the bottom of the diaper bag, so to speak. I needed to tell Joel everything, and I didn’t know how I was going to do that.

  Alex wiggled out of Christy’s arms and went back to where the big kids were playing on the slide. Christy and I watched as seven-year-old Hana, who had gladly taken on the nanny role for all three of the littler ones, picked up Alex and safely placed him into the baby swing. She pushed him slowly and sang a cute song for him.

  “She’s become a little songbird, hasn’t she?” I asked.

  Christy nodded. “Just like her daddy. I love it when the two of them sing together. Music is a gift I don’t share, so I enjoy seeing it grow between them.”


  We pulled out our water bottles and sat quietly for a moment.

  “Can I tell you something?” Christy asked.

  “Of course.” I expected Christy to have some advice that might be hard to hear.

  Instead, she told me about a situation with her and Todd that occurred a few years ago. He had come home one day from the high school where he teaches and told her a teenage girl in his class had caught his attention.

  “What does that mean?” I asked.

  “He meant that he was attracted to her.”

  “He told you that?”

  Christy nodded. “It’s something Todd and I decided to do to dismantle any fantasies we might hide from each other about another person. Attraction happens. So we decided to be transparent and honest and tell each other when it happened.”

  “I can’t see how that would help,” I said.

  “It might not help every couple. For us, it’s like defusing something that could be a bomb. When we speak about it openly to each other, it brings the attraction into the light. And it helps us trust each other more.” Christy stopped and grinned. “Hey, there’s my word again: trust.”

  “I’ve never heard of anyone doing something like that. I don’t know how I would feel if Joel told me he was attracted to someone else, like a waitress at work.”

  “You would probably do what I’ve learned to do. You listen as unemotionally as possible; you don’t react. You thank him for being honest and ask him later how he’s doing with his feelings. It gives him the freedom to keep talking about everything that’s going on inside him. I think it defuses the allure. Does that make sense? When it’s all out in the open, the temptation doesn’t have power the way it does when it’s hidden.”

  “It sounds wise,” I said. “I just don’t know if Joel and I could communicate on that level. Especially after the way things went the other night.”

  “You can get there. If we could, anybody can.” Christy offered me a comforting smile. “The secret is that you can’t give up if the first attempt fails. Marriages are organic. They take time to grow.”

  I thought about all the ways our little backyard garden had reminded me of our marriage. “And they need watering and weeding, and the bugs need to be destroyed.”

  “Exactly.”

  “We really do need the marriage conference next month. I hope it works out for all four of us to go.”

  “Me too.” Christy looked over at the kids. “Hana, help your brother, please.” She hopped up to comfort Cole, who had come down the slide and landed with a bump that made him burst out in a wail.

  At that point, Christy and I were back into full-time mom patrol, and our conversation went on hold. The good thing was that the kids were having a great time.

  They were having such fun together, so Christy suggested that we all go to her house for lunch. “Todd is working for Aunt Marti today, so we can put the kids down for naps after lunch, if you want, and talk some more.”

  “What’s he doing?”

  “She hired him to paint their living room. She changes the color every few years. This time she’s going with a custom mix that she says has more sunlight tones in it. The neutral shade she had for the last two years apparently had too much gray and made the living room drab on dark days.”

  “I don’t remember it appearing drab the last time we were there.”

  “I don’t either. But she’s good with colors and loves to decorate, as you know, so Todd is happy to let her pay him for the work. He’s determined to have all the money for Maui saved up before we go.”

  “Do you ever tell Todd thank you for working so hard?”

  Christy thought a minute. “I don’t know. Maybe sometimes.”

  “I was thinking earlier that I need to let Joel know how much I appreciate all that he does to provide for us.”

  “Thanks for the reminder. I’m going to tell Todd tonight.”

  Just then we had a tumble, followed by tears, and we knew we should pack up and head over to Christy’s. Lunch was easy, and it wasn’t too difficult to settle the little kids into their naps. The key was putting each of them in a separate room. Hana was content to turn her room over to Eden. Alex settled into the Pack ’n Play in the downstairs guest room. Hana, who reminded me that she never took naps anymore, was content to take her book up to Christy and Todd’s bedroom and have their big bed all to herself for an hour of reading.

  Christy poured us glasses of mint iced tea with lots of ice. “Do you want to try my newest favorite? I add just a little pomegranate juice. It’s so good.”

  I gave it a try and agreed. “This is really refreshing. I should tell Joel. He’s always looking for more mocktails to add to the menu. This would be good.”

  “Add a sprig of mint, and it can be a springtime special,” Christy suggested. “Do you want to sit outside on the deck or in the living room?”

  “Let’s stay inside in case Alex wakes up.”

  Christy moved some toys, shifted a mound of unfolded bath towels back to the laundry basket, and slid it to the corner of the room with her foot. We sat on opposite ends of the sofa, facing each other. I liked the way Christy seemed comfortable to invite me into the middle of her daily clutter and not feel like she had to clean up or impress me.

  I mentioned that to her one time, and she said she had relaxed a lot about making sure her house was always picked up. She decided the trail of toys on the floor and dishes in the sink were “evidence of life.” I always remembered that when I looked at a magazine image of a perfectly decorated living room. The photos seemed to be missing any evidence-of-life touches that make a house a home.

  We talked more about plans for Maui, Christy’s latest order for decorative pillows, food possibilities for our haven makers’ picnic, and whether we should go together for haircuts the way we had several years ago when we both needed to feel renewed.

  “l like the idea of going together for haircuts before we leave for Maui.” Christy’s expression clouded. “Although that means I’ll have to save up even more if we go to the place we went to last time. I remember it was pretty expensive.”

  “We can find another place,” I said. “Or how about if you let me treat you for your birthday?”

  “My birthday isn’t until July.”

  “So? I want to beat the rush this year and celebrate you early. After all, Tess set the standard for all of us this year.”

  Christy laughed.

  I grinned and tried to convince her. “Let me do this for you, Christy. I never know what to give you. I’m terrible at coming up with meaningful gifts the way you do. Please. Let this be my meaningful gift for you this year.”

  She hesitated for a moment. “Thank you. I’d like that a lot.” Christy reached for her iced mint tea and said, “Tell me one of your memories of your mom. I want to hear more about her.”

  I was surprised at her request and wasn’t sure where to start. I couldn’t remember anyone asking me to share a memory about her. Except Garrett.

  Christy helped to get me started by saying, “I know she liked red toenails. You told me that at Tess’s.”

  I didn’t remember mentioning that to Christy, but the image of Mom’s red toenails made me see her immediately in my mind’s eye.

  “Oh My, Cherry Pie,” I said with a shy grin. “That was her favorite.”

  “She liked cherry pie?” Christy asked.

  “That was the name of her nail polish. But I should add that my mother did not simply like cherry pie; she loved cherry pie. That’s what she wanted instead of birthday cake or Christmas cookies or any other special dessert. She thought cherry pie was the greatest gift God ever gave to the culinary world.”

  Christy laughed. “Did your husband agree with that?”

  “She let Joel know how she felt about cherry pie. He always laughed, but one time he s
aid, ‘I think you love cherry pie more than life itself.’ ” I choked up repeating the story.

  Christy gave me a sympathetic look. “Jennalyn…”

  I knew Christy was giving me an out. A chance to talk about something else, but I wanted to keep going and tell the story. I wanted her to know this.

  “When Joel said that to her, she told him that long after she was gone from this earth, there would still be cherry pie. She said that cherry pie would remind the next generation of all the sweetness in the world.”

  Christy had tears in her eyes too. “I love that.”

  “I do too. Thanks for helping me to remember, Christy.”

  Chapter 21

  It felt so good to tell the cherry pie story for the first time since Mom had passed away. More memories came fluttering into my thoughts.

  “My mom loved words and phrases that had double meanings. It was part of her unassuming sense of humor. I can’t think of any right now. I wish I could. When I do, I think I should write them down so I can tell my kids one day.”

  “That’s a great idea,” Christy said.

  “Oh, I just thought of one! Hana would love this joke. My dad asked one day what time my mom was going to the dentist and she said, ‘Tooth-hurtie.’ ” I waited to see if Christy got it.

  She thought a moment and then grinned. “Oh! Two thirty. You’re right. Hana is going to love that one.”

  “My mom could always make me laugh. Always. She embarrassed me plenty of times by things she said that were just plain silly. She would crack herself up over a ridiculous pun. Then she would look you in the eye and deliver a javelin of truth. I don’t know how she did it.”

  “I love that you’re telling me all this, Jennalyn.”

  “You know what’s interesting? I hadn’t thought of this before. I haven’t had a piece of cherry pie or a pedicure since she died.”

  Christy raised her eyebrows. “Is it just too close to the memory of her?”

  “Probably. I don’t know. Joel wanted to make me a cherry pie once right after Eden was born, and I burst into tears. He hasn’t offered to make one since.”