Finding Hope (The Heartmates Trilogy Book 1)

by J Grace

  Admitting myself was a lot easier than doing the actual work of accepting the reality of my new life. I thought once I got here it would be easy, but even some of the people here knew who I was. All the whispers and stares made me, even more, self-conscious. They knew I didn’t play football anymore, for fucks sake, it was all over the news, but they didn’t know why. I could see the pity in their eyes, and I knew if they knew the truth it would only get worse, so I decided to lie. I rationalized that if they thought that I had done this to myself they would quit giving me those pitying looks, and I was right. As soon as I told them I lost my leg due to a drunken ride on an ATV the looks stopped. So did the whispers. Unfortunately, Dr. Banner was not amused; she said it was counterintuitive to not only lie but to use someone else’s story. I tried to argue that it didn’t matter what these people thought was the truth, but she said it did. ‘Respect and honesty for yourself and others is a big part of the process, no matter the cost to one’s ego.’ I relented - she is the professional after all, and she made me promise that at some point I was going to have to come clean. I knew she was right, I mean, as soon as the lie left my lips I regretted it.

  The funny thing was in the whole time that I’d been here I had never felt any sense of urgency about coming clean until my talk with Marjorie. It meant a lot that she didn’t judge me if she even knew how. All I knew was for the first time in almost a year I felt hopeful that I could have a good future, that maybe something amazing could still happen for me, and maybe Marjorie would be there to see it.

  I was still sitting at the table, alone. Avery had left almost immediately after Marjorie. We were cool, but not lunch alone together cool, when suddenly Zachery sat down with a tray full of enough food to feed three people. “Feeling better?” he gave me a quizzical look and I nodded to his tray. “That’s a lot of food. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so much food on your tray.”

  “Yeah, I don’t know. I just woke up really hungry this morning,” he said before shoveling an egg and bacon taco in his mouth.

  “You had your first one-on-one, huh?” He nodded. I gave a silent chuckle.

  “Yeah, I felt like a new man after it, too. Dr. Banner has this way about her to make you feel...not so fucked in the head.” Zachery stopped chewing, gave a thoughtful look, and nodded before continuing his feasting.

  I was glad for him. I was there when he told his story in a group session. What he went through made my loss look small in comparison. I lost a leg, and as devastating as it was to me, to my ego, it wasn’t even close to witnessing your father murdering your mom, then being sent to your elderly grandmother, and then having to deal with the emotional fallout of all that. To be honest, if I had to deal with what he went through, I didn’t know if I could be as sane as he was. I knew he had nightmares. The phantom pains were worse at night, so I didn’t sleep very well. He’d never mentioned the nightmares though, and I’d never asked. It would be hypocritical of me to ask for the truth when I wasn’t ready yet to give it. “Well, I’m glad that it was a productive session.” He sat back and patted his stomach as he blew out a breath.

  “Thanks. So, whatcha got planned for today?”

  “Class, then a kitchen shift. After that, I don’t know. You?”

  “Group, then a swim, after that I got nothing.”

  “You don’t have class? I thought we all started class after our first one-on-one.”

  “Uh, I actually graduated early last year. I was a swimming superstar, not as cool or well known as being a football superstar, but I was on track to getting a few scholarships. That is until my life got all kinds of fucked-up. Anyway, I had enough credits to graduate, so I did.”

  “Well, that’s cool. I was supposed to graduate early last year too, get a head start on the college football stuff, but I missed a lot of school what with my leg and all so…” I shifted in my seat, my ass starting to fall asleep from sitting so long. “So, do you plan on going to college after all this is past you?” He furrowed his brows and blinked rapidly at my question.

  Fuck! That’s not how I meant it.

  “I didn’t mean what happened, I just meant Brighton House, once your time here is over.”

  “I know what you meant, man. It’s cool. I just honestly never thought about what I would do once I was emancipated. I was like you, you know. I knew exactly what my future was going to look like. But then my life imploded and ...since then I’ve felt like nothing mattered, my future was now this abstract sort of thing, you know, like my life was a Picasso painting or something, all these pointy edges and disproportioned pieces trying to fit together. But, I think, maybe, I still have a chance, you know? To move on, to forgive, and be happy.” A small smile curled his lip making him look like he found peace with his past if even just for a moment.

  “Yeah, that’s the goal, right?” I shifted again. “Man, I really gotta get up, my ass is asleep.”

  “Yeah, that’s cool. I got group in five anyway. Maybe after your kitchen shift we can meet up and do...something?” We both stood and walked towards the door.

  “Yeah, I’ll put us down for the movie room later tonight. We can invite the others too if that’s cool.”

  “Yeah, I’ll let them know when I see them. Well, catch you later,” he said as he headed for group and I headed to the elevators. A fun day of classes with Avery and Bodie waiting for me in the library. I wonder if Marjorie will be there too?

  As the doors opened, Cashmere burst through, nearly knocking me over as she stomped and cursed her way past me, “Get out of my fucking way, cripple!” She was gone before I could respond.

  What a fucking bitch!

  Chapter 12

  Marjorie

  As soon as I stepped outside, I felt like I could breathe again. I used to spend a lot of time outside when I was at home. My house just never seemed to be very welcoming. I always felt stifled and judged, so I asked my brother to help me build a sort of treehouse. I was surprised when my dad offered to help. He was almost as cold with me as my mom. I’m sure at one point they used to love me, I just wish I could remember when that was. As soon as the treehouse was complete I spent every waking hour that I wasn’t at school, with Sierra or asleep, there. Most of my summer vacation was spent in the treehouse. I would rather suffer the humid heat or bitter cold of Texas than have to spend any time with my mom, and it’s not like she ever made any attempt to care that I was never around.

  When we were a little older Sierra would sometimes sneak out of her house and stay the night with me. We would look at the stars through the small roof opening and plan our future. She always talked about going to California to be a movie star. She was beautiful and once got scouted by a talent agency who had a modeling contest; she entered and won, but her parents refused to let her participate. It was the one and only time she needed me to comfort her.

  It was a rare day that my mom didn’t feel the need to verbally bash me, and I don’t know what caused it, but today was just such a day. Maybe she was just trying to keep the mystery alive or maybe she knew that it amped up my anxiety.

  In any event, I was sitting in my treehouse reading a book Sierra gave me. It was about a girl who had magical powers she knew nothing about until she was whisked away to a secret academy. I was so engrossed in the story that I didn’t notice Sierra was sitting right next to me until she touched my shoulder. I sucked in a breath and jumped up, afraid that it was my mom having decided that I needed a good tongue lashing after all. When I saw that it was Sierra I let out a shaky breath and fell to the floor in a heap. It took several minutes for my breathing to relax before I could look at her.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you. I called your name, but you were really into that book,” her voice was almost a whisper and it sent alarm bells off in my mind. When I looked up at her I saw a steady stream of tears trickling down her face.

  “Sierra, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” I had never been on this side of the relationship before and it left me at a los
s. Thoughts ran through my mind at lightning speed, but the one that kept repeating is ‘how do I help her’? The only thing I could think to do was hug her. So I did.

  “My parents said no. They didn’t even try to listen to me.” She sobbed in my arms and even though I was freaking out, I held her through it.

  “Do you mean the modeling thing?” I tried to keep my voice even and steady, but failed.

  “Yes.”

  “Did they say why?”

  “I’m too young. But that’s total bullshit. Most models start at thirteen or fourteen. I asked them why they even let me enter the contest if they were never going to let me go. Do you know what they said? They said they didn’t think I would win. Who does that? What kind of parents let their child have a dream only to crush it?” She sucked in a breath and pulled back to look at me. Shame and embarrassment marking her face, “Oh God Marjorie. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to say that.”

  “You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. I mean, My parents have always been...but yours, yours are different. And it’s cruel what they did. How could they think you wouldn't win? Don’t they see how amazing you are? Still, I think it was my amazing best friend who said, and I quote, ‘One of these days we’re gonna get out of this town. We’re gonna move to New York or California and we’re never gonna look back. You and me babe, all the way. Together forever.’ She laughed and I saw the light in her eyes return.

  “Wow, I never thought there’d come a day that you would use my own words against me. In fact, I had considered the possibility that all my sage advice had gone in one ear and out the other.”

  “Ha! I listen.”

  “Thank you, Marjorie, you’re the best heartmate a girl could ask for.”

  I was sitting on a swing listening to the bird’s chirp and the wind blowing through the trees as my memory came to an end when the front door opened and Zachery stepped outside. He was in a white shirt, a pair of shorts, and flip flops. The swing creaked as I sat forward, causing Zachery to pause and turn towards me. “Hey, Marjorie,” he said as he walked over and sat next to me. “Whatchya doing out here all alone?” He looked different today and he sounded... happy?

  “Just trying to relax and clear my head.”

  “Oh, sorry. I’ll let you get back to it then,” he apologized and made to get up, but I put my hand on his arm to stop him.

  “No, it’s ok. You don’t have to go.” He briefly looked down at where we were touching before meeting my eyes. A flush rose on my face turning my cheeks pink. I quickly pulled my hand back to my own lap. “It’s just something that happened in my one-on-one with Dr. Banner.” He sat back, his bulk causing the swing to move.

  “Oh, is everything ok? You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

  “Well, it wasn’t something with me exactly. I was just there when it happened.”

  “Oh, was it the thing with Cashmere?” My eyes widened and I nodded rapidly.

  “YES! You were there?” I shifted so that I was facing him more.

  “I was on my way to group when it happened. I stopped at the front desk to say hi to Nurse James when Cashmere just ran past us cursing about Dr. Banner. Nurse James ran out of the side door with Nurse Adam towards Cashmere. Nurse Astrid kept us out of the hall, but a couple of us heard and saw everything. Nurse James and Nurse Adam took her to another room across from Dr. Banner’s office before we were allowed in the hall,” he shook his head, “that was pretty intense, huh?”

  “To say the least. I had to cut my session with Dr. Banner short because of her outburst.” We sat there quietly for a few minutes just swinging. “So, did you get your online classes sorted?” I remembered he told me he had his one-on-one with Dr. Banner yesterday.

  “I graduated early so no classes for me.”

  “Lucky! I guess that’s why you’re dressed so casual? Nothing pressing to do but laze about,” I joked, side-eyeing his attire. It’s so funny how unlike myself he makes me feel, in a good way.

  “Uh, no. I was headed to the pool. It’s what I did before. I was a swimmer, a pretty good one too, but I haven’t been in a pool in a while. I don’t know if I’ll actually get in, but I thought I’d check it out anyway.” He had a wistful look about him. Going back to something you loved before tragedy can be scary. Not that I really knew anything about that.

  “You don’t have to keep me company. I mean, I appreciate it, but if you have somewhere you need to be, I don’t want to keep you. Unless you want company?”

  He sat forward and leaned down placing his hands on his knees and sighed, “Nah, I think I need to go it alone...this time anyway.” He pushed himself to stand before turning to me, “Thanks for the talk.” I nodded.

  “Anytime.” He reached the step before pausing and turning back to me.

  “Oh, I forgot. Malcolm is reserving the movie room for later tonight. I told him I would let you, Avery and Bodie know, but if you see them first will you tell them?”

  “Yeah, sure that sounds like fun. What time?” He scrunched his face.

  “I don’t know. I guess if you see Malcolm ask him and let me know?”

  “Sure. Have a good swim...or not. See you later.” He waved over his shoulder as he headed to the pool. I sat there watching him until he rounded the corner of the pool house and kept swinging a few minutes longer before I went inside.

  It was almost time for lunch so I decided to head to the dining room. It was empty except for a few workers filling the buffet line. I had just gotten a drink when I turned to see Cashmere standing right behind me. I squeaked out a small scream and dropped my glass. The drink spilled over our feet and the plastic cup made a loud clank as it bounced and rolled to the side. I covered my mouth to stifle my scream, but Cashmere just stood there looking down at me. She was tall, at least six feet and her five o’clock shadow was showing. Her usually styled hair was down and frizzed like she’d been pulling on it. Her makeup was lined with tear stains and her dress was rumpled. She must not have freshened up since this morning. I dropped my hand from my mouth and gave a tight smile.

  “I’m sorry, I spilled my drink on you. I didn’t see you there, and I scare easily.” She didn’t say a word, just kept staring at me, “Cashmere, are you alright?”

  “Wade,” her voice was hoarse, probably from yelling and crying. I wrinkled my brows.

  “I’m sorry?” She huffed and crossed her arms over her chest.

  “My name is Wade. Not Cashmere,” her voice was deeper than it was the last time I heard it.

  “Oh.” I didn't know what else to say. I could barely handle my own issues, but I could listen if nothing else. “Do you want to sit down and talk about it? I mean, I can’t offer you advice or anything, but I can listen...if you want.” She...he… looked at me with a scrutinizing glare before softening ...their...eyes. It was hard for me to know what pronoun was correct, so I went with they.

  “You’re really sweet and pretty. I can see why he likes you. But no, I didn’t come here to talk. I saw you walk in on my way to clean up and I wanted to apologize for earlier. I know you were in Dr. Banner’s office when I ...went off. So, sorry,” they said before turning to go.

  “Cash...Wade...You didn’t need to apologize, but thank you. I hope you’re feeling better?” I questioned gently. I hoped that they could feel the sincerity in my voice.

  “I am, thanks. Can you do me a favor?” their demeanor had softened a little.

  “Okay.”

  “Don’t break his heart. He’s a really sweet guy and he likes you a lot.” I scrunched my brows a bit and shrugged.

  “Who?” A soft laugh escaped their lips.

  “You’re new to this whole boys thing aren’t you?” I could feel the blush color my cheeks as I cast my eyes downward and nodded.

  “I probably shouldn’t tell you cause he’d kill me, but I know he won’t tell you since he doesn't think he stands a chance against the others. What’s he gonna do when I'm gone?”

  “You’r
e going home after all?” A look of tension crossed their face, then smoothed out almost as fast.

  “Sort of.” They shrugged, ”Bodie. He’s got it real bad for you. I know he’s not as pretty as Malcolm or the new guy, but he’s the sweetest, funniest guy you’ll ever meet, so be kind to him, okay?”

  When had she talked to Bodie about me?

  “I would never hurt him.”

  “Good.” They nodded before turning away to walk out of the dining hall when they stopped and turned back to me. “You know what I said earlier...about my name being Wade? Can you just forget that? My name was Wade, it is Cashmere, okay?” Tears brimmed their eyes, but they blinked them away before any fell.

  “Of course.” They nodded and let out a deep sigh, then left. Uncertainty crept its way into the back of my mind about what this exchange really meant and I secretly hoped that she would seek me out again.

  We were all waiting in the living room when Malcolm walked in from his kitchen duty shift. It made me laugh thinking of the time I saw Bodie looking the exact same way - covered in food. Bodie must have been thinking the same cause he looked at me and shook his head, “See, it happens to everyone and if you ever pull kitchen duty it’ll happen to you too.” I rolled my eyes at him.

  Where did that come from?

  Every time I stopped and gave myself time to think I was shocked by how different I had become in just two weeks. I wish I could say for certain what it was; I had a suspicion, but I needed to discuss it with Dr, Banner at our next one-on-one.