Finding Hope (The Heartmates Trilogy Book 1)

by J Grace

  This group was led by Nurse James so I was at a loss as to what to expect. Every other group I had attended was led by Nurse Astrid. In truth, most of my nurse interactions were with Nurse Astrid. She was so calm and welcoming that I always felt comfortable around her. Nurse James seemed nice enough though. He had a calm demeanor and friendly eyes, but I never really talked to him so I was still a little trepidatious around him. A few minutes after we sat, Nurse James closed the door and walked over to his seat and stood behind it, clutching the top of the backrest.

  “Welcome to group session, residents. I’m Nurse James and I am glad to see so many of you today. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a full Saturday session. This session and any sharing within these walls is voluntary and will remain private. If word about what we discuss in this room gets out, the offender will be handled accordingly. We are here to share, learn, and heal; not to gossip, malign or cause further pain,” his voice was deep and booming. I could almost feel my bones rattle with how it reverberated off the walls. “Who would like to go first?” Avery’s hand immediately shot up. “Thank you, Avery. When you’re ready please proceed.”

  “Hi, my name is Avery. I’m seventeen and on paper, I’m here for promiscuity, but I’m really here because I’m lesbian and my parents, devout Catholics that they are, are against my ‘immoral proclivities’. I’ve been to two conversion therapy camps and one full-on crazy house, but I was kicked out because well, I’m not crazy. But between the two, I’d go back to conversion therapy in a heartbeat if given the choice. The thing is, I know my parents love me and that they’re conflicted with what they feel and what they believe. But I think deep down they know that what I am, who I am, isn’t going to change. So they sent me here, the Club Med of therapy for young people because, see they can’t exactly have me around….it wouldn’t do for Pastor Greenway and his lovely wife - founders of the biggest up and coming Church in the Metro Dallas area, to have a lesbian daughter. Their parishioners would shit themselves and then take their worship and money to another church, so instead the story is that I’m a shameful slut hellbent on ruining their good name.” She shook her head and laughed. “They’d rather I be thought of as a trollop than a lesbian. They’d rather lie than tell the truth about me because apparently there is nothing worse than being gay in this world. Hell, I bet if I was a murderer they would be more accepting of my ‘immorality’.” A lone tear slowly fell down her smooth cheek and she crossed her arms over her chest, her signal that she was done sharing. I put my hand on her thigh and squeezed, wanting her to know that I was there and that she was seen.

  “Thank you for sharing Avery. Reconciling with the loss of parental affection and acceptance is a very difficult thing to deal with. We are taught at a young age that our parents are our saviors, champions meant to love and provide support unconditionally. When those truths are found to be false it can be debilitating and lead to unhealthy habits and lifestyle choices. But, know that you will get through it and be stronger on the other side. You are who you are no matter what perceptions people may have of you. Instead, you should focus on what you think of yourself. Are you a good person? Do you have compassion and empathy? Are you kind? Do you treat people fairly? Do you wish people well? Do you wish good things for yourself? Do you put as much effort into maintaining a healthy relationship with yourself as you do with others? Do you know it’s ok to say no? Think about those questions and be honest. We can’t truly love, help, want the best and accept others if we don’t do that for ourselves first. We dictate the behavior we allow. So only allow the best. Remove yourself as quickly as you can from toxic relationships and no matter how long it takes, be proud of that accomplishment. Always remember you are more than the color of your skin, more than the accent of your voice, more than the sex between your legs, and more than the way you choose to love. Surround yourself with the people who feed and nurture the parts of you that need to grow and remember to give back in kind. You are worthy of all the good things and someone saying you’re not, doesn’t make it true.” He looked at each one of us in the eye for a beat before continuing. As he met my eyes I felt the sincerity in him, the belief he had in his words and I smiled at him.

  “Is there anyone else who would like to share?” I was on the verge of raising my hand, propelled by his words when a girl I had never seen before raised her hand first. She was tall and slim with golden curls that fell down her back. Her eyes were light brown and deep-set. She had freckles like me and her lips were full and her face was heart-shaped like mine. She could be a cousin that’s how similar she was to me. But I don’t have any relatives that live in Texas for that matter.

  “Hi, my name is Marigold. I’m fifteen and most people call me Mari. My mom called me Goldie because of my hair. She said it was like spun gold. I have...had a little sister named Magnolia, we called her Maggie. My mom had a thing for flowers and weird names. She was the best mom, ever. She was funny, pretty, kind, understanding and fun...” Her bottom lip began to quiver from the emotion she was trying to keep in control of and her voice began to waver as she spoke through her tears. “I don’t know why I told her I hated her. I didn’t hate her. I was mad because she wouldn’t let me stay the night at my boyfriend’s house. It wasn’t like he was a stranger, you know? My parents and his parents are friends and it wasn’t like his parents weren’t going to be home. I was only asking because we had a science project due. We had to chart the path of the moon and take pictures every hour.” She shook her head repeatedly as she sucked in shaky breath after shaky breath as tears rolled down her cheeks, “But she just kept saying no. I even asked if we could do it at our house, but she refused and I got really mad and said I hate you. My sister told me that that wasn’t nice and I told her to shut up.” She took a deep breath, her body rocking back and forth as she gripped the sides of her seat. ”Then out of nowhere, this truck runs a red light and plows into our car. I remember their screams and the pain and then nothing. I woke up two weeks later from a coma and learned that both my mom and Maggie were dead. I missed their funerals, and now I have a scar on the right side of my head where it slammed into the window. I stopped eating, I couldn’t sleep because every time I closed my eyes I relived the moment I lost my family and the horrible things I said to them before they died,” she angled her face to the ceiling and continued rocking herself as she blew out several deep breaths before continuing. “All I wanted to do was die so that I could be with them and apologize. I was breaking my father’s heart, I knew it, but I didn’t care. Until one night as I was laying in bed wishing for death and I heard him crying. I was super weak, but I forced myself out of bed and made my way down the hall. He was praying to God for strength, for help to save me. I realized that I was being selfish. I wasn’t the only one who lost people they loved, and that I was slowly robbing him of another daughter. I walked into his room that night and told him that I was sorry, that I wanted help, that I promised to try. That was last week and now I’m here. It's been two days and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to follow through with my promise. I don’t want to leave my dad alone, but ...I hurt so much.” I sat there listening and looking at this girl who, strangely, I felt connected to somehow. Her eyes seemed so familiar as if I had seen them before. I was trying to place her, but it was as if my mind was working against me, blocking me from how I might know her. Still, I felt this ache in my heart, this need to comfort her somehow. Without a second thought, I rose from my chair and walked over to her. I knelt before her and was greeted by her shocked expression as those familiar eyes that I realized were hazel upon closer inspection, stared back at me.

  “I’m sorry for the loss you’re suffering. I lost someone I loved too. It wasn’t my mother or sister, but she was like my sister. Her name is...was Sierra and she was my rock, my safe place, my home... and she died,” I swallowed down the lump that was forming because I needed to say this, it was time, “She left me alone in a world I didn’t know how to live in without her. I was lost and scar
ed, I tried to cope with her death on my own, but everything reminded me of her.” My tears came fast and hard but I let them fall and pressed on, “I would cry myself to sleep and then wake in full-blown panic from nightmares of what she must have felt in her final moments. Living was hard before. I was in a constant state of fear from my mother, never knowing what would set her off, never living up to her standards. But after Sierra died I could find very little to ease the pain and emptiness that the loss of her had made worse. I had no one. I tried though, and some days were more successful than others.

  My brother Carson had been away at college for almost two years and Sierra’s death was quickly approaching the one year anniversary. I was having anxiety attacks daily and often worked myself into such a fit that I would pass out,” spots clouded my vision as I spoke and I was shaking with the memories flying through my mind, my mother’s words and angry face the most prominent in my mind. “Imagining Sierra sitting there with me, trying to remember the sound of her voice or the feel of her arms around me was no longer working to alleviate the pressure of everything I felt. I had started to lose my grasp on the memory of her and I hated myself for it.

  After a particularly rough morning of my mom’s daily dose of ridicule and put-downs, I walked the three miles to Sierra’s grave. It was the first time since her funeral that I had visited her grave. I was afraid of what seeing her headstone would do to me, but I had to go. I had to be there on that day,”

  We were both crying now and I gripped her hand, needing the physical connection to say what came next, “And even though the ache in my chest was stronger than ever I stayed there all day and watched the clouds roll across the sky like we used to do when we were little.

  Around five o’clock her parents showed up. I hadn’t seen them since the funeral either and it made me feel guilty that they might have thought I had forgotten her. We talked for a bit, but it was awkward for me because I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that they had lost both of their children. I couldn’t stop thinking about how broken they looked, even with the smiles they wore to try to hide their pain.

  The sun was already setting by the time they dropped me off at home. My shoulders ached from the tension I had created with my thoughts and all I wanted was to take a hot shower and go to sleep. When I walked inside my mother went at me again. I hadn’t even taken ten steps inside when she grabbed my arm and spun me to face her. She had gotten several calls about me walking on the side of the road. She said I was an embarrassment to our family. She said life would be so much easier if I had been in the car with Sierra.” I felt dainty arms wrap around me and a welcoming heat pressed against my back as Avery held me through it. “She had been mean for as long as I could remember, but she had never before outright said she wished I was dead, until then.

  When she was done with me I decided to make her wish come true. I was already low on the will to live. I grabbed a bottle of vodka, her sleeping pills from her medicine cabinet, and downed them both. I didn’t leave a note because I knew there was no one there who would care why I did it. I knew I would be blamed and cursed, but it didn’t matter because at least the torture would be over. I would be at peace for maybe the first time in my life and I would be with Sierra. I miss her every day.” I paused and took a shuddering breath.

  “I wish that she could be here to see the person I’m becoming, the person she always said I could be. Because being here, with people who are like me - lost, scared, searching, I feel more alive than I ever did before. And even though the ache is almost gone,” I met Marigold’s eyes, hopeful that she would understand what came next, “ I know my life will never be whole without her in it, but I’m not scared about what living in a world without her will look like for me anymore. Sierra was my best friend. She was kind, generous, loving and accepting. Those kinds of people are rare. I know that I will miss her for the rest of my life because in a way she gave me life, and even though I never told her that I loved her I know that she knew she was loved by me every day. Just like your mom and your little sister knew it.

  Life is hard, I know that; I gave up once, so trust me when I say that it isn’t the only way to make the guilt or pain go away. You have to try to forgive yourself and let go of the blame for saying something that you had no way of knowing would be the last thing you ever said to them. Don’t let that memory erase all of the good ones. Live in the light Marigold, live in the truth of the love you shared because you’re not alone. They are with you, I really believe that, but if you ever need to talk or just sit with someone and be...I’m here.” She leaned forward, a look of gratitude and peace on her face, and hugged me. It was the strangest feeling, there was a familiarity in her scent - if only I could remember from where.

  Chapter 16

  Marjorie

  I felt emotionally and physically drained when the session was over and all I wanted to do was fall face-first on my bed and pass out for days. We had just made it to the common room when we ran into Bodie.

  “Hey ladies...Woah, why do you guys look like you just walked through the valley of death?” I suppose we did look a little worse for wear; still, he didn’t have to point that out.

  “How very kind of you to show your concern Bodie,” Avery drawled sarcastically before plopping onto the couch, “We were at group and Marjorie went all motherly on the new girl and had everybody crying.” I plopped down next to her; my body felt so heavy.

  “Really? Wow! Well, I’d like to stay and find out the details, but we have kitchen duty in ten minutes Marjorie.” The eyes that I had just closed popped open wide.

  “Huh? That’s today?”

  Holy hell, I forgot!

  I pinched the bridge of my nose and then sat forward in an attempt to propel my body upwards off the couch.

  The sweet, comfy couch.

  “Okay. I’m coming.”

  “You know what, it’s okay. I’ll handle it. You look really beat.”

  “No, It’s my first shift and it wouldn’t be fair to let you do it alone no matter how tired I am. It’s my fault I forgot, not yours. Let’s go,” I said as I walked out the sliding doors, not giving him a chance to protest again.

  When our kitchen shift was over I was even more tired than I thought I could be from just washing dishes. We made it up to our floor and I seriously felt like I was walking in a haze. Avery was sitting on the couch in the same place she was when we left her a little over an hour ago. When she saw us she smiled, but it quickly faded.

  “I signed us up for the movie room tonight at 7:30, so you still have time to take a decent nap. But if you want to cancel that’s okay too.”

  “No, I’ll be fine. Group just took a lot out of me but a two-hour nap or so will be plenty.” I could feel my words slur and my feet felt like they weighed a ton as I walked to my room. I didn’t even bother closing my door before I walked over to my bed and fell face-first into it with my kitchen shirt on, and all the food bits on it too.

  A few hours later I was woken up by the intense grumbling coming from my stomach. I barely had breakfast and had skipped lunch altogether. I got out of bed and removed my kitchen shirt which was now crusty and smelled like syrup and bacon grease. I pulled my hair out of the ponytail it was in and discovered that it too smelled of the kitchen so I decided to take a quick shower. My stomach would have to wait a few more minutes.

  When I walked into the common room it was empty. Someone was usually there waiting for me so either they were in their rooms or they had already gone to get food and left me to my nap. It had been a while since I had seen Zachery so I decided to give his room a shot.

  “Zach, are you in there?” I heard shuffling before the door flew open. He was dressed in a Bruno Mars t-shirt and dark wash denim jeans that clung to his muscular thighs. His hair was mussed and a slight five o’clock shadow covered his face. He gave me a crooked smile that made my pussy clench with the desire I was learning not to be embarrassed by.

  “Hey Curly Sue, what’s going on?”
I made a face at the name.

  “Curly Sue? What’s that?” He chuckled at me.

  “It’s a movie about a cute little girl with super curly hair, like you.” He pulled at a tendril of hair and watched as it bounced when he let it go, “It’s really pretty, your hair.” I pulled the hair behind my ear and felt my face flush.

  “So I could call you Curly Sue too, then?” He laughed as he leaned against the doorframe.

  “I suppose you could.” I rolled my eyes.

  “Have you eaten? I’m starving!” On cue, my stomach let out the loudest growl in the recorded history of man and I felt the embarrassment flood me.

  “Yeah, no, I haven’t. Come in, I just need to put on my shoes.” I walked in after him and stood by the doorway while he sat on his bed and slipped on some tennis shoes. His room was pretty empty of any decorations or memorabilia but it did have clothes strewn all over the place.

  Typical boy.

  “I know, it’s messy.” He looked as though he wanted to add to the statement but thought better of it. “Ok. I’m ready. I think it’s Italian night.” He patted his stomach as we headed out of the room. “Did you ask the others already?” he asked, stopping just inside the sliding glass doors.

  “No. I..I...well, I haven’t seen much of you lately so I thought maybe…” I felt the redness increase as I averted my eyes. As much as my sex drive was on overload, I was still just an awkward girl around cute guys.

  “Oh...Ok, yeah. Yeah, that’s cool with me.” I quickly stole a glance at him. He was smiling and his cheeks were red too.