Finding Hope (The Heartmates Trilogy Book 1)

by J Grace

  Did I embarrass him?

  We made our way into the elevator and down to the dining room without further conversation. The awkwardness, however, grew tenfold. We got our food and sat at our usual table way in the back and ate in silence for a few minutes before I couldn’t take it anymore. “Ok, this is stupid.” His eyes shot up to meet mine. “I like you Zach and while I’m totally not good with this kind of thing and my heart is beating a million miles a minute…”

  “I like you too, Marjorie.” I exhaled slowly. But there was something more he wasn’t saying.

  “Good. then there’s no reason for this to be awkward right?” I could see his mind working, formulating a way to respond. He bit the inside of his cheek and I knew what he was thinking.

  “You’re wondering if I like them too, aren’t you?” He didn’t move or say anything, just kept his eyes trained on my face until he eventually nodded. “Well, honestly, yes, I do. I like all of you. I don’t know how to explain it, why I feel these connections with all of you, why you all mean more to me than anyone should right now in my life, but there it is.” I watched him and waited for some sort of response but he seemed unwilling or unable to give one, “They all know by the way. I mean, they’re all ok with it.” That was a lie, sort of. They had all expressed their attraction to me individually, but there was no discussion of the others or what it meant for us as a group. My palms were getting clammy as I struggled with the lie and the admission of my feelings.

  “Are you ok with it?” he finally responded.

  “Yeah, you know, I think I am. I mean, obviously it’s a little unconventional. I’ve never thought about having a boyfriend, let alone three boyfriends and a girlfriend, so there are some obvious challenges and hurdles but yes, I think as long as we’re all on the same page, it could totally work.”

  “And what page is that?”

  “Right now it’s the page where you all like me and I like all of you.”

  “So, we would share you and you would share none of us?”

  Is that how this would work?

  “I honestly don't know. I’ve never done this before. Never done anything before. I guess we would all have to sit down and discuss it. Avery is a lesbian so that’s a no go for any of you guys, but if you or Malcolm or Bodie are interested in each other, then who am I to tell you no?” His eyes grew wide and he choked a little.

  “I’m pretty sure none of us guys are into other guys.”

  “So then do you mean, share you with other people outside of the five of us?” He nodded and I could feel the flame of jealousy and possessiveness fan to life. “No. No, that I will not do. If we are in a relationship then it’s only us. If that’s not something you want then that’s your choice, but I will not share any of you with someone outside our family.” He smiled and grabbed my hand.

  “That’s all I wanted to know. I don’t want anyone but you Marjorie. And I feel it too. The connection with the others. Not in a sexual way, but like you said: family.” I did say, family. I hadn’t realized until he pointed it out, but it was true - they were my family.

  Thirty minutes later after Zach had his second helping, Avery, Bodie, and Malcolm joined us at the table. Not one of them asked why we hadn’t gotten them before we left. It’s like they knew I needed time with Zach alone. While they ate I took notice of how well we all fit. Even Malcolm and Avery were finding their way to friendship. I knew that a conversation about where this was leading would have to come soon. Still, it boggled my mind that four people could be into me enough that they’d be willing to be in a relationship with four other people just to be with me.

  Chapter 17

  Marjorie

  Avery and I sat on the floor of the theater room while the guys sat in the reclining seats. She had picked A League of Their Own remembering it was my favorite. We were laughing and eating popcorn reciting it word for word, which caused the guys to bitch and moan for half the movie before they finally got the hint that we weren't going to stop, and left.

  Somewhere in the middle I stopped and looked over at Avery, forgetting for a moment, and my heart constricted. I was having fun...with a girl... that wasn't Sierra. Guilt flooded me and tears fell on their own accord. Was I betraying Sierra by spending time with Avery? Did it matter that I thought differently of Avery than I did of Sierra? Did I deserve to have these thoughts and feelings for Avery? I know I had made my peace with Sierra and everything, but every once in a while it seemed to sneak up on me.

  “Hey, what's wrong Pinkie?”

  I looked up at Avery, “I forgot that ...or I guess I let myself pretend for a moment that you were Sierra." Avery reached for my hand and squeezed.

  "It's okay, you know, to have fun even though someone you love is dead. I know it feels wrong, but it isn't. And I’m sorry I’m not her."

  "No, don’t say that. I didn’t mean it like that. It's just when I'm with you I feel things that I never felt when Sierra was alive."

  “And you feel guilty?” she interjected. I nodded. “I had a best friend since I was really little too. She was fun and outgoing and optimistic, and then one night something happened that changed her. Anyway, we didn’t talk for a long time cause she shut me out. So when you got here and we became friends, I felt a little guilty too, like I was betraying her or something. Even though she’s the one that walked away from me I still had hope that she would come back, you know? And, actually, recently she’s been more open to being friends again, and I can’t tell you how much I want that.” I felt the sting of jealousy that I would have to share her with another girl.

  “Was she a girlfriend?” my voice was low and unsteady. I tried to stay calm knowing there was nothing to be jealous of.

  She wouldn’t be pursuing me if there was more to their relationship, right?

  “No. Just a best friend, like Sierra. I was just trying to let you know that I know how you feel about enjoying life when the person you want most beside you isn’t there. The situations are completely different but similar, sort of.”

  “Thank you, Avery. It’s hard sometimes you know. One minute I'm fine and I feel resolved with Sierra and I'm ready to move on and then, out of nowhere, something else comes up and I’m back at square one, feeling like nothing was resolved. It’s just so confusing.”

  “Of course it is. You’ve barely been here for three weeks. You didn’t really think it was going to be that easy did you?”

  “No. Yes. I don’t know. I don’t know what I thought. It’s just that when I’m with Dr. Banner I feel so confident, so certain that I'm on the right track, but then one little thing and I’m derailed.”

  “Look, your relationship with Sierra was complicated and it’ll probably take you years to sort through all of the emotional baggage. All you can do is take it one day at a time, one issue at a time. It’s okay to feel unresolved or conflicted or whatever. We all feel those things. You’re not special in that way, you’re just a normal girl.”

  “I’ve never felt normal. Not even with Sierra. I’ve just always known there was something off with me. And believe me, my mother went out of her way to remind me of that every chance she got. For the longest time, I thought that the way my parents treated me was how it was for everyone. But then one day I went to Sierra’s house and saw how different life was for her. She was hugged and kissed and told I love you. Not once did her parents yell at her or call her names or make fun of her. It was incredible and yet, heartbreaking because I knew that I would never have any of that. I hoped, and I prayed and I tried so hard to be better, but it never worked. It almost seemed to anger her more that I was making an effort to win her approval. I gave myself ulcers and lost a lot of weight because I couldn’t keep anything down. As I got older it got worse. Just the sight of me, the sound of my voice, the way I walked, the way I chewed my food, everything about me angered my mom to the point that I lived in constant fear of her. By that time my father had switched to the silent treatment, choosing to just walk out of the room when I enter
ed. I was a mess and I know people had to notice but because my parents are considered to be 'fine, upstanding, God-fearing citizens' no one ever tried to intervene,” I sighed heavily and blew a stray wisp of hair from my face.

  “Sierra gave me one of her mom’s mood pills once, but I hated how it made me feel. You know, before I tried to kill myself, I had thought about it a lot. I never told anyone, not even Sierra. I even came close a few times but then I would think about Sierra and I couldn’t do it. After she died I had no reason not to. I’m surprised I actually held out as long as I did. The thing is that since I’ve been here with you guys I’ve started to feel like I’ve just started to live, and all of these new feelings are clawing their way to the top, just fighting to get out.”

  “Like what happened in your room earlier?” Avery looked at me curiously. It was nice to have someone to talk to again. Four someones’s actually.

  “Yes, but there’s also anger, sarcasm, joy, excitement, curiosity, confidence.” I bit my lip as I met her eyes, a flush of pink staining my cheeks. She tilted her head to the side and a slight crease between her brows appeared. “The thing is, of all of those emotions, desire is the strongest. And since I pulled away from you all I’ve wanted to do was kiss you again.”

  “Samesies. But before we go any further we should talk about what it means. ” Like she had earlier, she leaned in close and took charge of my mouth. Her tongue slid effortlessly in, caressing and coaxing my tongue into a beautiful, enchanting dance. I wanted more. I wanted it all. I could feel myself growing bolder as the tickle in my belly grew into a giant itch all over my body that needed to be scratched.

  After my talk with Dr. Banner and my masturbatory session last night I was no longer ashamed of my body, or my need for sexual intimacy. Of course, that didn’t mean that I knew how to ask for it or felt comfortable doing so. All I knew was that whatever was happening to my body, it felt amazing and right - so fucking right!

  I knew Avery was purposefully taking it slow with me, uncertain of how fast or far I wanted to go, but that wasn't what I wanted so I focused on the connection building between us until the fear disappeared. I slid my left hand up her leg slowly until I reached the hem of her shirt and snuck my hand under, gliding it up to her breast. I could feel the hardness of her nipple and I squeezed. She immediately pulled back from the kiss, her lips swollen and eyes hooded with desire. She swallowed hard.

  “Don't do that. You're not ready.”

  Oh, but I am!

  There was no hesitation left in me. No sign of a meltdown at her tone. I shifted my body till I was sitting on my knees, and I looked her dead in the eye while I grabbed the hem of my shirt and pulled it up and over my head, tossing it to the side. Her eyes grew wide and she licked her lips as she took in the half-naked sight of me.

  “Are you sure Marjorie? We don't have to do this.”

  “I’m sure, Avery,” I sighed. I knew what we were about to do was serious business and it would change everything, but I didn’t want to stop. I stood up, unbuttoned my jeans, and slid them down my legs, kicking them to the side with my shirt. Then I promptly removed my bra and panties. Avery sat there the whole time just watching me. It turned me on so much, I could feel dampness sliding down my legs.

  “You are so fucking beautiful, Pinkie.” Avery stood and slowly undressed too, returning the favor of a show. When she was done, she walked over to me and knelt on the ground in front of me; leaning forward, she kissed my navel as her hands slid up my thighs to my hips. A lightning bolt of heat flooded my already aching core.

  How had I never felt this before? Why wasn't everyone running around shouting about how amazing this was?

  I felt her hands grip my hips pulling me down to my knees and then lowering me further onto a thick blanket she had taken from the couch. Avery spread my legs enough for her to fit and crawled over my body till her face was above mine. She looked at me for a long moment, and then lowered her mouth to mine for a deep kiss, before pulling away and trailing kisses along my jaw.

  Her hands trailed lightly over my arms and stomach as her kisses crept lower and lower, finally landing on one sensitive nipple and then the other. My body bucked from the sensation of her wet mouth and smooth tongue as it tickled my hardened peak. A moan escaped my mouth in pleasure as she pulled my nipple taut with her lips until it popped out from the force. Her kisses slunk further still, down my ribs and stomach, my hips and thighs. I was in a state of bliss until I felt her tongue slide up my center and take command of my pussy. I shut my eyes tight and sucked in a deep breath as I gripped the blanket beneath me.

  Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit!!!

  It was a revelation, a fucking miracle what her tongue was doing to me. Moan after glorious moan flew from my lips as she licked and sucked. She sucked and licked the sensitive skin of my labia and above my clit, teasing me, inciting wave after wave of all-consuming need as she languidly slid one finger and then two in and out of my throbbing core. My throat was dry from all the moaning and panting, but my pussy was a wet, soggy, mess of arousal. And just when I didn’t think it could get any better she shifted her head, clamped down on my clit and sucked hard as she continued to work her fingers inside of me. Within seconds my orgasm built and exploded, taking both my breath and my rational mind with it.

  Orgasms are definitely my new favorite thing.

  As I came out of the euphoria I opened my eyes to a smug grin on Avery's face. She slunk her way up my body kissing me on the nose, but I pulled her down for a kiss on the lips as I slid my hand down her belly and between her thighs. In no time I found my target and it was very wet. I slipped a finger inside as her tongue slid past my lips. I pumped twice before adding another finger, mimicking her moves on me. My other hand made its way to her breast and I squeezed her hardened nipple, making her hiss. Suddenly, the idea of reciprocating made me a bit uneasy, not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t know how to.

  “Hey, you okay?” she asked, noticing my hesitation. I swallowed audibly, and tried to answer but couldn’t form the words.

  “I...I…”

  “You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. You’re not going to hurt my feelings.”

  “No, it’s not that, it’s just...I don’t know how.”

  “It’s really not that hard. I know men like to think women are complicated but we’re not. Men just don’t pay attention to the cues women give them.”

  “You’ve been with men before?” She laughed at the shocked look on my face.

  “You’re so damn adorable, Pinkie. Yes, I’ve been with two guys. The first was at conversion camp, the other was just to make sure since the first guy was obviously gay and didn’t exactly give the old college try if you know what I mean. Alas, I have come to the undeniable conclusion that dick is a no go for me. But all that is a story for another day.”

  “Will you help me? Like you did with the kiss?” She nodded and smiled.

  “I can do that. Okay, I’m going to lay back and spread my legs. You position yourself between them.”

  “Okay, like this?” I asked as I mimicked the way she had positioned herself on me. She nodded and then lay back completely.

  “Normally I would have you start with working your fingers over me, but since you’ve already done that we’ll skip ahead. You can use your fingers to open my folds for better access or you can just slide your tongue in between my lips, whichever you want to do.” I thought for a moment and decided on the second option. A soft moan came from above me and I did it again. She tasted sweet, but a little salty too.

  “How is that?”

  “Good. Really good. Now, you can slide a finger into me if you want,” her voice was thick with need so I did what she said, taking her cue that that is what she wanted. My finger slid easily inside her. She was warm and silky so I added another finger, “Now, do what you did with your tongue again, only this time flick it against my clit. That’s the little nub at the top. If you spread my lips you’ll see
it.” I continued to thrust my fingers inside of her as she spoke through her pleasure, the pleasure I was giving her. I did as she said and flicked the tip of my tongue over her clit a few times. Her moans were exquisite and soon enough I felt my own center dampen.

  “Yes, yes, just like that Marjorie. Oh God, yes. Now, apply more pressure to my clit and push your fingers in all the way and then hook them up...oh, God.” Her legs began to tremble and her moans grew wild. I let her moans and cries of pleasure guide my tongue as I took control and explored her thoroughly. I had never been so full of desire to please another person. I loved the way she tasted, I loved the way she writhed beneath me, I loved the way she trusted me to bring her pleasure. When she came in my mouth seconds later, my own orgasm shot through me. I pulled back from her to find that I had subconsciously helped myself find my own release.

  “Wow! That was certainly mind-blowing,” she said as she held out a hand to me, pulling me down to face her.

  “I did okay, then?”

  “You did better than okay. How do you feel about it?” she asked as she pushed a stray curl from my face.

  “I feel good about it. I even gave myself an orgasm.” I giggled at the thought.

  “Have you ever done that before?” I shook my head.

  “Not until last night.”

  “What? Really? Wow, first masturbation, first kiss, first sexual experience and all within twenty-four hours.” She shook her head in amazement and even though I know she didn’t mean it in a bad way, that’s how I took it. I tried to push it away. I tried to tell myself that I didn’t do anything wrong, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get the thought out of my head that my mom was right about me.

  We stayed there for a few minutes naked and silent before Avery jumped up, none the wiser to the battle going on inside my mind.

  “Fuck, we need to get dressed. I think we only have the room for fifteen more minutes.” I nodded and crawled over to where my clothes were. I heard Avery mumble something, but the voices inside my head were screaming at me.