by C. Hallman
9
Amara
Dirt everywhere I look—dark, damp, and filthy dirt. The walls are closing in on me, and there is nothing I can do. I’m back in the hole, cold, and alone. Shivering and scared, even though I try my hardest not to be. Hoping every day that Enzo will come for me, that he will find me and take me away from this place.
My body shudders against another, and for a moment, I forget where I am. Confused, I realize I’m wrapped in a casing of warmth. Memories swirl in my mind, past and present intertwining before the dream ends, and I’m back in the here and now.
Opening my eyes, I take in the bedroom, reminding myself that it’s over. My prayers were answered. I’m safe, back in Enzo’s arms.
I didn’t lie when I said I was okay—I am okay… just okay. But I don’t think I’ll ever be back to the person I was before all of this. No. There is no going back to the lie that was my life.
I peer out the window and find the first shimmers of morning light are filtering through.
“The sun is just rising,” Enzo says softly, his voice full of sleep. He places a kiss on my shoulder, and I melt back into the mattress. We made love last night, not the kinky kind, not the fuck me against the wall kind, but the slow and sensual kind. The kind that makes you one. The kind that makes two halves into one whole.
“What time is it?” I ask, rolling over from my stomach to face him.
Looking at him makes me realize that I somehow came to terms with what Enzo did to John… to me. But that doesn’t mean it makes my feelings go away. I still harbor all of those, good and bad, which makes me feel like I’m sleeping with the enemy.
“My phone says six-thirty a.m.” He yawns, apparently still very much tired. I roll my eyes, even the king has a weakness—sleep.
Laughing, I push the sheet from my body and pull myself out of his warm embrace.
“What’s going on inside of that head of yours?” He’s been asking that a lot lately as if he thinks I’m unstable or something.
“Just absorbing things and wondering where I go from here.” It’s an honest answer. I know I’ll have to talk to Jared’s dad, my dad… soon. I’ll have to fill in the missing pieces somehow.
“James will have some answers for you, I hope. I’m not sure where he got all his information, but I guess your mom had told him before she passed away.” My chest constricts. Even after all this time, talking about my mom’s passing hurts more than anything. Even more so now, since I have no way of getting answers to the questions I desperately want to ask.
“I miss her,” I say aloud. I didn’t mean to, but apparently, my consciousness slipped.
“I know you do, and I miss mine, too.” He sounds like he is in pain. I turn around to see his face, and in his eyes, I see the terror that was always hidden, right beneath the surface. In the place that only very few know because Enzo keeps it hidden so well.
“Enzo…” I try to stop him from heading down memory lane, but it doesn’t work. We are two very different people living different lives, but one thing we have in common—we both have more questions than we have answers.
“People thought I just liked to kill others like it was part of the act. They didn’t know why though. They didn’t know it was my own personal hell or how every drop of blood that touched my skin soothed the monster inside of me. I killed because I had to. It was the only thing I knew.” I can tell he isn’t with me in the room anymore. At least, not in his mind.
“I’m sorry we both have to deal with this,” I say remorsefully.
“Never be sorry, piccolo… the people who have made us suffer the most will soon be the ones suffering.” A seductive smirk pulls at his lips. It reminds me of a lion right before it sinks its teeth into its prey.
“Good.” I slip into a pair of sweats and one of Enzo’s shirts. I need coffee and something greasy, like, now.
The house is quiet as I tiptoe out into the living room, heading for the kitchen. I glance at the coffee pot sitting on the counter and smell the air as the sweet aroma of coffee hits my nose. Turning around, I find Jared leaning against the wall casually.
“Good morning, I presume?” Jared smirks.
I ignore him for the time being as I grab a coffee cup from the cabinet above my head. I pour myself a coffee and find the cream and sugar.
“You know ignoring me doesn’t make it better. It sure as hell doesn’t change things.” I mix all the ingredients in the cup and wait until I take the first sip to respond to him. Tipping the cup to my lips, I suck in a small taste, savoring the sweetness of the cream and sugar on my lips.
“I’m not ignoring you, Jared. I’m just dealing with everything. I’m absorbing it all, simply because there isn’t any fucking thing else that can be done. Plus, I like to have at least a cup of coffee before talking to anyone, including you.”
“Fair enough. I just want you to know that our father is coming today. He says he has something for you, and it might bring you more closure.” Taking another sip of the coffee goodness, I let his words sink in.
“Technically, he is your father, Jared. Not mine. As far as family is concerned, I have no one. I know you’re my half-brother, and by blood, he is my father. Those things don’t change what has happened, though. You guys weren’t present the last two decades.”
He snorts, his eyes looking wild. “You think I don’t know that, Amara? How do you think all of this makes us feel? I mean, seriously? We’re in the middle of a full out war, and we find this out.”
“I know what we’re up against, Jared. You forget I have been—” In a flash, he crosses the room and comes to stand right in front of me.
“I haven’t forgotten what you looked like when I picked Enzo and you up on the side of the road. I haven’t forgotten how much you’ve lost, and I haven’t forgotten how much I lost either. My mom died too. None of those things have changed—even though God continues to throw more shit my way.”
“I’m so—”
“Don’t even say it. We both know we’ve heard the words I’m sorry a million times. It doesn’t help heal the pain. I’m just telling you this because truthfully, our father hasn’t had anything to live for in years. He didn’t even know where you were. He knew about you but had no idea where you were.” Jared sounds tortured, and my heart aches for him—for us. There might be a war raging between families, but there were bigger wars waging within each of us.
“I didn’t… I had…”
“I know you didn’t know. I know everything has been thrown at you at once, but I’m begging you to see things for more than they are. Give our… my dad a chance.”
“I’ll talk to him, Jared. I never said I wouldn’t. It just breaks my heart how my mom isn’t here to answer my questions. It hurts me to know my life was a lie, and there’s not a damn thing to fall back on.”
“Well, buck up, princess, because it’s about to get ten times harder,” Jared says. There is no emotion in his voice, but I know my words have made him feel better.
“Thanks, asshole,” I quip back before taking another sip from my cup.
I’m getting anxious. I want answers, but I’m also afraid.
“Anytime. How are things with you and Enzo?” Jared asks nonchalantly as if he doesn’t know we are hooking up.
“We’re fine, I guess. I understand his need for revenge, but it doesn’t make it okay.”
He smiles, rubbing a hand over his face. He still has stubble, and the bags under his eyes tell me he’s stressing over something at night instead of sleeping.
“Yeah, you sounded fine last night…” he teases. My cheeks redden. I’m not a prude, but with Jared, it’s quite strange to know he heard us having sex.
“Ahh, don’t be shy about it. Not like Enzo ever is,” he jokes. I turn my face away from him and out toward the rising sun. I’m not even sure where we are anymore. All I know is we’re about forty miles from my father’s house. North, East, South, or West, I’m not sure.
“Good to know, I guess.�
� I try to joke as well, easing all the tension from the room.
“I’m going to make breakfast. You hungry?”
“Fuck, yeah, I am,” Enzo chimes in, his voice causing a cascade of goosebumps to form over my body.
Jared shakes his head, causing dark locks to fall to his forehead. “I bet you are. I heard you last night…”
“Oh, really. I bet it wasn’t me you heard, but your little sis over there…” Enzo comments, throwing a wink in my direction. I can’t help the smile that pops onto my face.
“Ha. Don’t even bring that up.” Jared gets up from the table, while I just stand there ogling Enzo’s shirtless upper body. His hair is in a fuck-me kind of way, and his body is still in top shape even though I know he was on bed rest for a few weeks.
Jared’s phone rings, breaking the spell Enzo’s abs have on me. He answers it within a second, bringing the phone to his ear.
“Dad...” I pretend as if I’m not listening to the conversation, but Enzo catches me out of the corner of his eye.
“Eavesdropper,” he teases, shaking his head like he disapproves. I almost roll my eyes at him.
“Don’t be nervous, piccolo,” Enzo says calmly as if he’s trying to calm my raging nerves.
“I’m not,” I lie, forcing my attention to something else.
“He is a nice man, I promise you.”
“You know him?”
“Yes. Jared’s family and mine go way back. No worries, love, you’ll be fine.” He sends me one of those smiles that make my knees weak before he gets up from the table.
“I have to shower. I’ll be back.” And just like that, he’s gone.
“Yup, see you soon.” Jared hangs up the phone. See you soon? Gah. This means I’m about to come face to face with my real father.
The rest of the morning passes with ease. I sit in the living room most of the time reading or watching TV. I’m simply trying to get back to regular life by catching up on some of my favorite TV shows.
I was told not to turn the news on, but I did anyway. It turns out I shouldn’t have. John’s face is plastered on the screen. The news channel is talking about his murder and how the FBI is on the lookout for anyone with any answers to how his death came about. I have two words for them—Lorenzo King. Though I’m sure they already know.
“He’s here,” Jared says from across the room as he paces the floor for the twentieth time. My stomach is in knots by the time I hear the doorbell ring, and I’m about ready to vomit on the floor.
“Son...” I hear him before I see his face. His voice is deep and gravelly, reminding me of my father’s.
“Dad.” Jared sighs, wrapping his father in a tight hug.
I stay seated, not sure if I should get up or not. Is he expecting to hug me too? I don’t know if I’m okay with that.
They walk through the entryway, and his dark eyes slide across the room until they land on me. He looks very similar to John in many ways, which makes sense since they were brothers. His face is worn, and his eyes are dark, holding a look of sadness in them. They brighten slightly upon landing on me, but otherwise, he looks like a man who has settled on hard times.
“Amara?” My name sounds completely unnatural on his tongue. His voice and looks might match my dad’s, but not the way he says my name. There is no familiarity.
Smiling softly, I stand, taking small steps to where he’s standing.
“That’s me,” I say, almost shyly. I’m never shy, scared shitless, maybe, but shy? No. That’s not me usually.
I hold out my hand, offering him to shake it, but instead, he reaches out, pulling me into his arms. My first instinct is to pull away, to push against his chest, but I fight it. His body encompasses my small frame as the smell of smoke and cologne hit me, and I let that sense calm my nerves a little.
“I can’t believe it.” He sounds on the verge of tears. James releases me with hesitation as if he thinks I’ll skip away into the fog. “I’m so sorry.”
“Let’s go sit and talk,” Jared suggests, ushering us into the living room.
I turn on my heels and head for the same seat I was in before.
James stares at me for a long moment, simply smiling. “I can’t even believe this… I’m so flabbergasted.”
“Don’t worry, you aren’t the only one shocked as all hell,” I add, looking between him and Jared.
The leather against my skin is the only thing keeping me in place. I’m honestly scared to find out about the past.
Smiling, he cocks his head. “You look just like your mother—God, Samantha was beautiful.” I can hear the reminiscence in his voice.
“Thanks,” I murmur, unsure of what else there is to say.
“I’m so sorry about missing all these years. Your mother never told me about you. She just kind of disappeared, and then suddenly, she was sick, and…” He stops mid-sentence.
“It’s still kind of hard to talk about her. I feel the same.”
“Of course, of course.” He nods, running a hand through his dark brown hair.
Silence stretches between us after that. I have so many questions, but not a single one comes to mind.
“Well, Dad, I’m glad you made it here in one piece. I wasn’t sure your beat-up truck was going to make it through a two-hour trip,” Jared jokes to break the silence. We all let out a laugh as I listen to the two of them make digs at each other about the mysterious truck. Jared says it made it through The Cold War, World War One and Two, and Vietnam. Basically, it’s old.
“Enzo,” James greets, seeing him before I do. He walks into the living room, wearing a pair of blue jeans and a white V-neck Tee. He looks fuckable as always.
“James.”
“I hope you’re treating my daughter well,” James warns.
“As good as a queen should be treated.” I didn’t have to look at Enzo to know there was a dark look on his face. He didn’t like people assuming he treated me poorly.
“Good. I came here to talk to Amara, and it’s what I would like to do right now if it’s okay with all of you?” James says, commanding all the attention.
Strangely, the energy in the room changes. I’m not sure if it is James’s comment or the fact that he just called me his daughter, which is still odd and uncharted territory.
Enzo’s eyes find mine, and I can see the question in them without needing the words. I nod my head, letting him know I’ll be okay alone with him.
“Yeah, I was just going to get Jared to watch a movie,” Enzo says awkwardly, his eyes zeroing in on Jared. There is a silent exchange between the two of them that makes me curious about what they are really up to—recon to figure out what Mack is up to?
I let them walk away, leaving me with the man I was supposed to call my father.
“Here.” James reaches into the front pocket of his jacket and pulls out a white piece of paper folded many times. He extends his hand to give it to me, but I pause for a moment, unsure about all of this.
“What is it?”
“A letter from your mother. She gave it to me on the slim chance I ever saw you after her death. She told me you were okay, and I wasn’t to go out looking for you. She said if you wanted to know about me, you would come to me.”
He may have been able to hide it from others, but the hurt in his voice tells me my mother’s words hurt him to the core.
“Have you read it?” I ask, taking the note from him. I don’t know if I want to open it here and read it. Maybe I should do it in private.
“No, I haven’t. It’s addressed to you, and I wasn’t going to overstep my boundaries.” At least he is honest. The paper is nice, the kind you would write official letters on and shit.
Taking a few deep breaths, I unfold it like a present on Christmas morning. I want—no, need to read this note. If anything, I know it holds some type of answer.
Dearest Amara,
It saddens me deeply you won’t see this letter until well after I am gone. As I lie here beside you watching you sleep, I w
rite this with tears streaming down my cheeks. My heart is breaking for the pain I know I will cause when you finally discover my biggest kept secret. I truly hope this letter finds you in good times. Please know I never meant to hurt you in any way. I kept this secret in order to protect you.
I grew up loving two people, but the love I had for each was quite different. Falling for John was easy. He was alluring and charming, but it wasn’t the kind of love I felt for James... his brother. James made me fall without even realizing it. So, if I wanted to stop it, I never had the chance. He was simply mesmerizing. Looking back now, I know I should have chosen James from the very beginning, but the love I had for John felt as if it was good enough.
John was my safe place when I needed to hide, so I stayed with him, and we started our life together. Those were our best years. Those were the years when I still knew him. He always had dreams to become a police officer, and when he finally graduated from the academy, he became a different person. Little by little, it was like something changed inside of him. He became more and more wrapped around his cases. His choices changed, and his beliefs became more about his career. He stopped giving me the love and respect I deserved. I was put on the back burner, and my complaints went unnoticed. If they were noticed, it was with a fist. The bruises eventually faded, slowly taking the love I had for him with them.
This ultimately pushed me into James’s arms. He was always there, witnessing the changes in his brother, as well. I felt as if I had lost my husband. In all honesty, at this point, he was already dead to me. When James lost his wife, I was there for him, and through this, we reconnected. What started as two friends being there for each other turned into something more. We became one. The magnetic pull we always had for each other came back even stronger. We knew it wasn’t right, but the heart wants what the heart wants, and our hearts wanted each other.
I found myself falling completely out of love for John, and when he discovered the affair, my life shattered. He knew James had a connection to a particular case he was assigned, so he threatened him and accused him of rash things. He told me I couldn’t leave him, and if I tried, he would kill me. He had so much rage in his eyes when he spoke those words to me; I knew he meant every single one of them. I became a shell of myself, not living, only existing.