Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape

by Marsha Petrie Sue

  Sometimes it is good to be a Know-It-All. Once when I was nine years old, I was fishing with my dad and my cousin Georgie in Wisconsin.

  Georgie was a year younger. His fishing capabilities, especially casting with a live worm on the hook, left much to be desired. On one of his swings with the pole, his hook caught me in the back. My yelp could be heard around the world. All I could think of was a rusty hook and a half-dead worm in my back. Mr. Know-It-All, my father, told me to take a deep breath and not worry. He said that because this kind of accident was more common than I would think, he had asked the doctor for a special serum to use to deal with puncture wounds. After he dug down deep in his tackle box, I could hear the lid pop off a container and then felt the cool, soothing miracle liquid on my back. No infection resulted and, as you can tell, I did not die of some dreaded worm or hook disease.

  Twenty-five years later, my dad and I were sitting on a bench on the pier of our Wisconsin lake house. He said coyly, “I have a confession to make. The magic serum I used all those years ago was really just 3-in-One oil. There was no magic serum and no doctor’s prescription, but I knew if you believed me and what I was doing, you would be okay.” And he was right. Sometimes having a Know-It-All around can be a good thing!

  Survival Tactics

  Keep Know-It-Alls at bay by asking them to take notes on any discrepancies (and not to verbalize them) as plans or ideas are presented. Ask them to record what they liked best and what can be changed for next time.

  Learn as much as you can from them by asking great questions.

  Ask them for more detail that is specific.

  Appoint them the expert in selected segments of a meeting, project, and so on.

  One of the approaches to get along with self-centered coworkers is to butter them up. If you really need to work with them, compliment them into not being so difficult and toxic. Work on getting them to be the center of attention, because they tend to be below-average performers. Given a chance to show off, they may do more than their share of the work. In addition, a lack of self-confidence can be the cornerstone that has pushed this Toxic Person into this Know-It-All behavior. So, the compliment tactic works for yet another reason.

  Here is the hard part. You have to keep a sense of humor; otherwise you will have a tendency to just take them out, get the duct tape, and decontaminate them! Know-It-Alls can be a pain, but if you keep a cheerful outlook they can actually become entertaining!

  What to Say

  Stop being at a loss for words with the Know-It-All. Learn the following responses until they become automatic so you can manage the situation and get the outcome you want.

  “You’ve presented some strong arguments for additional resources on this project. Now what would happen if . . . ?”

  “That sounded like a put-down. Is that what you meant it to be?”

  “If I heard you correctly, the major points are . . .”

  “Al, you’re the expert in this case. Help me understand . . .”

  Do not try to counter the expertise of someone who has been a Know-It-All for a long time; you’ll only set yourself up for disappointment if you try to challenge them. Remember not to sound unprepared or unsure. This behavior is a tip-off to them to attack you at your weakness. In addition, do not embarrass them. They will take their revenge, most likely at a time of greatest damage and/or embarrassment to you.

  Caution: Beware of fake Know-It-Alls. They just make up stuff and can be a real problem because they come across as believable and knowledgeable! Call them on their behavior and information immediately and ask them for data to back up their claims.

  TRUE STORY: CAN YOU RELATE?

  My company had just landed a huge hospital account that was definitely going to improve our bottom line. The sales representative, John, really pulled a coup for our team. He swaggered around and gloated, making sure everyone knew how much he understood the client and its needs. With the paperwork completed, the administrators began working to place all the print advertising as promised. The guarantees John had made to the client started to unfold.

  John was seasoned and knew the parameters of our capabilities, but he had also wanted to wow the client. There was no way our software and database could support half of the promises he had made to the customer. John defended his proposal by stating that he had

  “checked with the powers that be, and they said the programs were being updated to accommodate these new requests.”

  John’s boss, Ann, brought him in for a meeting with the information technology (IT) manager, who confirmed that the company’s current software could not manage the new hospital account as described by John. Included in their conversation was the confirmation that the system was being worked on, but nothing to meet this client’s requests and needs would be available for several years. John stated that he knew if he brought in the client, the company would Band-Aid the current system in order to add that kind of revenue. John had used this argument several times in the past and had already been put on notice that it was unacceptable. Promising without being able to deliver got him on the fast track, all right—the one out the door. The Know-It-All lost his job because he really didn’t know it all!

  Take II: How It Should Sound

  Frank was disgusted with the meeting agenda, the client, and his colleagues. Who were the simpletons who continued to question his skill?

  Didn’t they recognize the extent of his expertise? Polly approached Frank about a problem they were having with the client in hopes of setting a plan before the client’s arrival. Frank immediately snapped, “I don’t know who is more stupid—you or the client!” When the meeting started, Frank’s negative attitude and arrogance filled the air. The client was tired of Frank’s smart-alecky approach and asked that he be removed from the project. This would be a real problem, because Frank did have excellent knowledge and understood what was needed to satisfy the client.

  Before the client had a chance to do anything, Polly chimed in and said, “I know how important it is for you to have an expert on this account. We developed a new policy that there is always a second expert in the wings for all of our clients. I have been shadowing Frank and understand most of the issues that need to be addressed.” The customer was a bit surprised, but pleased, and offered, “I can fill you in on the other details, and we can move forward.” Polly then said, “Frank, I know you don’t mind, because you are really overloaded with work. We will talk about this later.” Frank was put on notice for his poor choice of words in front of the client and was later fired.

  Decontaminating Toxic People is all about leadership, setting rules, having consequences for inappropriate behavior, and taking care of problems as quickly as possible. Don’t let the Know-It-All get you down. Use these skills to do away with the annoying behaviors of the Know-It-All.

  Chapter 7 - The Needy Weenie

  Take 1: How They Sound

  Margaret was a high-maintenance team member, but her demands were presented in the form of questions and requests for help. She said yes too much and would wind up being overwhelmed. She committed to more than she could possibly handle, so deadlines were often missed.

  Her strong need to be involved and to be accepted by everyone was the root of her problem. In meetings, her questions were endless and she was always putting herself down, just waiting for others to build her up. She would restate every point, no matter how simple, in detail. The reason was to support her need for reassurance from other people.

  In addition, she had a lot of energy—for all the wrong things. She seemed to focus on everything except what was truly important. In planning the celebration after the completion of a project, for example, Margaret’s agonizing caused the team to spend 20 minutes deciding whether to have a potluck or bring in pizza. Long after heads began to nod, she continued wasting time and spinning her wheels on a decision no one cared about. Something had to be done. Everyone was ready to hang her at high noon!

  Names Will Never Hurt Me
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  People like Margaret are also called agonizers, worrywarts, wimps, vacillators, anxious Annies, and martyrs. They will drive you nuts and make you crazy with their neediness. Their coming back to you repeatedly for validation and help makes you feel like you have a bad rash that just won’t go away!

  What to Look For

  Needy Weenies hate making choices because everything sounds good to them. They are very agreeable and have a strong need to be liked. They often say yes to requests for time and assistance, but they cannot execute because they simply take on more than any one person could do.

  Identify a Needy Weenie by listening for words that stall.

  When you hear “I’ll get back with you” or “That sounds good to me; let me think about it,” beware! The most difficult part about dealing with these folks is that they are really nice because of their strong need to be liked. In addition, they are very sensitive and will take everything personally. The very toxic Needy Weenie seems agreeable on the surface, but there is no consistency when things go bad later. When confronted with a failure to produce, they will hide behind statements like, “Oh that’s not really what I meant” or “I said I’d think about it, but I never got back to you so I thought you’d find someone else.” The worst part for a business is they miss deadlines or leave teammates hanging!

  The Message the Needy Weenie Sends

  You can be hooked into being nice to Needy Weenies because they have been nice to you. You feel you owe it to them to be pleasant.

  Pressuring them only means that they may not make any decision at all. When they say yes they mean maybe. You know they will do anything to get you to like them. You also know they’ll want to make you feel guilty if you do anything that’s even remotely critical of them.

  The Payoff for the Needy Weenie’s Toxic Behavior

  You need to remember the payoffs for the Needy Weenie. They take few risks, have no accountability for results, and therefore feel no need to change. Others like them, at least at first, because Needy Weenies agree to everything and anything.

  William had been with the company for more than 20 years. He was running a sales organization that had never made money within the larger conglomerate despite being in an industry where the competition had an average 65 percent profit margin. When questioned by the president, William would divert the conversation and eventually wind up discussing how to schedule a game of golf on the president’s calendar! Early in his career, he had turned into one of the good old boys. Staff and clients loved William because he was so accommodating. He wowed them with lavish parties and assured everyone that their concerns were “right on the top of my list.”

  Problems arose when the industry began changing fast. Although William promised the department that “Things will get back to normal and we just need to sit tight,” it didn’t take long for clients, colleagues, and management to discover that his claims were built on shaky ground. His need to be liked led him to overpromise and underdeliver.

  Before long, clients left for more reliable supply sources, and eventually the sales group was sold.

  Despite these negative results, the leaders of the company kept William on—he was “too nice to let go,” as one executive said.

  This is an example of what happens when leadership is weak and needs to surround itself with needy individuals who will flatter and praise. It would be sad if situations like this were rare, but from my conversations with employees at every level, it continues to happen more often than one might think.

  Survival Tactics

  William’s boss should have made time to clarify the job description and the results expected. Emphasizing the sales orientation of the group, numbers, facts, and results should have been the focus of William’s performance reviews. People like William need to be told the rewards of meeting expectations in specific detail. Then William should be asked, “What should the consequences be if these outcomes are not met?”

  I have found that this technique works well because people are always much harder on themselves than you ever will be. Often they will say, “I should be fired!” Then you say, “Let’s get that in writing.” You then document all the reasons for letting them go if they are not doing their job. By the way, this works for many other types, but it is especially effective with the Needy Weenie.

  Other tactics that work include reassuring them and their thought processes. Remember, Needy Weenies want to be liked.

  Language that works well sounds something like this: “I’m glad you basically agree with my proposal. Every proposal has its weak points. What parts could be improved?”

  Help them make tough decisions by having them use a pro/con approach to narrow their choices. You might say, “Let’s make a list of pros and cons to help clarify this.” This is a great approach if there is a stalemate in a project and you can’t get them to make a decision or commit to the process. If you want to meet your deadlines and keep the team functioning, you’d better have the tools to deal with Needy Weenies.

  Don’t feel helpless with these people. Learn to dig deep with them, and keep asking open-ended questions. Always include the question, “Is there anything else?” because there probably is a deeper problem. Help them analyze their thinking and identify the barriers that block progress.

  What to Say

  Watch overcommitment with Needy Weenies—theirs as well as yours. They love saying yes. Be sure you confirm exactly who will be doing what and according to what time line. When talking with them, the phrase “Another point that popped into my mind was . . .” can be very helpful. It sounds spontaneous and low-key and allows you to provide an easy way for them to avoid taking on one more thing that may end up slipping through the cracks. Normally, I would never use that kind of language, but I will with the Needy Weenie because it works.

  When you do find that they have overcommitted, approach them calmly and outline the issues/problems. Your goal is to help them get back on track or do damage control before an entire project comes to a screeching halt. Ask them about their progress and follow up with, “What do you want me to do?” or “What kind of help can I provide?” Your job isn’t to criticize or try to convince them to change their ways. Your goal is to get the job done—grace-fully and successfully.

  If you are the manager, this is an excellent opportunity to help an employee grow and develop. Learning to use the right approach and words with a Needy Weenie on a consistent basis can give them the support to move them from this toxic behavior.

  Don’t just try the approach once or twice and think it will work, because it won’t. This is why many fail at managing Needy Weenies. Overlearn each strategy and keep it polished and ready to use at a moment’s notice. Craft specific words that are comfortable for you.

  Behaviors to Avoid

  Try to avoid feeding the Needy Weenies’ tendency to agonize by agreeing at any level. I can promise you they will become more needy because you have become a sucker for their neediness.

  This is hard because they are nice and you don’t want to make matters worse! Just remember that behavior that is recognized will be repeated.

  Samantha was always kind and helpful. The staff started using her desk as the office supply depot—instead of going to the supply room, they would just take what was needed off her desk. Samantha never said a word, and actually encouraged people to take a pen here or a pad of paper there.

  One day Margo walked over and casually picked up a stapler from Samantha’s desk. For Samantha, this was the straw that broke the camel’s back! She threw her chair back, jumped up, and shouted,

  “Why can’t anyone leave my stuff alone? I can’t believe it! Everyone takes my property, and I’m tired of it!” She slammed the desk drawer and ran to the bathroom crying.

  Beware of explosive Needy Weenies! These are the quiet, seemingly calm people who are always out-of-their-way nice. Then all of a sudden, without warning, something sets them off. Before you know it, an emotional volcano erupts. As survivors of volca
noes can tell you, the cleanup isn’t fun, and the consequences far out-weigh the Needy Weenies’ niceness before the eruption.

  I remember when we needed to hire an administrative assistant.

  An extensive applicant list was narrowed down to a select few who were interviewed by phone and then carefully in person (we had a whole system in place). We hired someone who seemed to have a great ability to function at high energy. We made sure our new hire, who had two hearing aids, could use the phone and perform job duties. She had some problems hearing the hallway pager, but that was not critical. We discussed her needs and ours to make sure she had everything she needed to handle the job successfully.

  Training ensued, but by the fourth day we knew it was a bad call. Our applicant was very slow and had more difficulty learning computer software and skills than earlier testing had suggested.

  She had trouble grasping and retaining lessons. We had made sure she could hear the presentations, so that wasn’t it. It soon became apparent she had a learning disability that had not shown up in the application process. She was so sweet and seemed agreeable to everything!

  Trying to be straightforward but also supportive, I brought her in and mentioned my concerns about her pace of learning. I spoke very carefully and within a context of what we could do together to address her needs. She responded with anger, threatening, at high volume, to sue for Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) discrimination. This floored me, since we were going out of our way to accommodate her and help her succeed in her job. Her emotions and reactions had flipped from one extreme to the other.

  Our new hire quit before we fired her (which would’ve happened later that day if she had not left on her own). A few days later, she e-mailed us a very sincere apology for her actions and words, explaining that she was really upset with herself for failing, something she had not done before. I wrote back, telling her she did not fail, that sometimes it takes a few days to find out whether a job is a good match. It would have been easy to ignore the obvious problems because this woman was so eager to be liked and fit in. It was far better in the end for both parties to acknowledge there were problems that couldn’t be fixed and move toward a solution.