Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape

by Marsha Petrie Sue

  Needy Weenies come in many forms. I never cease to be amazed at the variations in human nature and the twists and turns our thinking and emotions can take as we deal with one another.

  Margaret was a high-maintenance team member, but her demands were presented in the form of questions and requests for help. She said yes too much and would wind up being overwhelmed. She committed to more than she could possibly handle, so deadlines were often missed.

  Her strong need to be involved and to be accepted by everyone was the root of her problem. In meetings, her questions were endless and she was always putting herself down, just waiting for others to build her up. She would restate every point, no matter how simple, in detail. The reason was to support her need for reassurance from other people.

  Margaret’s behavior was beginning to weigh on the group, and the worst part was that she felt no accountability to produce. Rob knew there was a way to help Margaret get out of some of these habits. In addition to following the meeting ground rules that the group had previously developed, he asked that a new rule be added: Do not restate what has already been stated.

  He also suggested a “three-knock rule,” which meant that if anyone was not abiding by the ground rules, any meeting participant could knock on the table three times as a reminder. Rob also decided, even though he wasn’t Margaret’s boss, that he would suggest that decisions on events such as celebrations be made by a small committee so the entire group’s time could be put to better use.

  It took a while for the group to get used to the process, but these first steps to managing Needy Weenie behavior made the entire team’s work easier!

  Chapter 8 - The Whine and Cheese

  Take 1: How They Sound

  Jonathan knew that there must be another reorganization coming because all the bigwigs were in meetings day after day. While talking with Mary, a coworker, he said, “We don’t even have the resources we need right now to do the job. Why do they think giving me a new boss every 18 months will make things better? All they really want is to cut costs. What do you think, Mary?”

  Mary answered, “I think change is good. It makes us—” Before she could finish, Jonathan cut her off, saying, “Change is awful! All I do is worry about whether the new management will like me and whether they’ll like the job I do. I worry they’ll bring their favorites with them and get rid of me. I worry about not having enough resources and budgets for all the new projects. They need to leave us alone and just let us do our jobs.”

  Mary tried to take another approach by changing the topic. “Do you think that Adams project will be done soon?” she asked. With a deep sigh, Jonathan replied, “The Adams project? What a mess! Talk about something that should be changed! We should just dump the entire idea of customer satisfaction—it’s just a joke, anyway.” Giving up, Mary made a mental note to mention Jonathan’s negative perspective during his team input and 360-degree performance reviews.

  She knew the futility of arguing with him or trying to change his mind. Jonathan, the Whine and Cheeser, had done it again. He had infected the rest of the group with his negativism. Over time, his constant whiny tone and “oh no” attitude brought down even the most positive person.

  Names Will Never Hurt Me

  You’ve heard these people referred to as whiners, bad apples, complainers, faultfinders, naysayers, maybe people, and losers. They drain energy out of projects and out of people. Because they have little incentive to improve their lot, the Whine and Cheesers tend to stay on board while their more talented, positive, and motivated colleagues move on.

  What to Look For

  Chronic complaining has become an epidemic. In some work environments, there are Whine and Cheeser parties about everything, including job duties, supervisors, colleagues, office supplies, the weather, and traffic—nothing is off limits for them. The coffee is too hot; the doughnuts are stale. Fast food isn’t fast enough, and restaurants serve the food too quickly and don’t let you finish.

  These people are terminally upset with almost everything in their lives. They feel disconnected and lonely, and get the attention they crave by complaining. The main problem with their approach is they receive attention, all right, but it’s the kind that pushes people away. They don’t know how to get positive attention.

  They have not learned to ask for what they want in a way that makes others receptive.

  The team had decided to use an available cabin by the lake for their leadership retreat. Martha was excited about the plans even though she knew there would be some challenges with her wheelchair. Upon arriving, she saw fellow attendees boarding a pontoon boat in preparation for a quick cruise around the lake. No one saw Martha arrive, so the would-be sailors were oblivious of her sitting in her wheelchair on the path toward the cabin. Martha, meanwhile, sat there seething, furious with her teammates. “Didn’t they know I wanted to go? How in-sensitive! I thought they were my friends,” she said to herself.

  The group returned and eagerly greeted Martha, who, cold and bitter, barely responded to their comments. Finally, one of her colleagues asked what was wrong. Her reply was a classic Whine and Cheeser retort: “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you!” Mind reading is not a talent most people have. Her teammates were truly puzzled by her attitude. Had she simply admitted she had looked forward to the boat tour, another trip could have been easily arranged. Instead, Martha managed to put a damper on everyone else’s spirits without doing a thing to improve her own.

  Whine and Cheesers will complain about a beautiful day, a new job, and even a pay raise. They live on the dark side of the moon. Criticizing everything around them is their custom. It is interesting that they often alternate their whiny tone with an accusatory one. They really have no clue how to involve others and get people motivated to go along with their issues. Adding to the problems they cause for themselves and others is their willingness to be equal-opportunity blame spreaders. They take your time complaining about others, then turn around and complain about you to someone else. No wonder people come up with creative ways to avoid these folks. Who wants to spend time with those who specialize in problems rather than solutions?

  The Message the Whine and Cheeser Sends

  You can probably hear the tone of the Whine and Cheesers’ voices when you think of the message they send. Working hard to stay in control and not get angry is your responsibility.

  “Don’t expect me to do anything to fix problems—I’m helpless.”

  “To stay on my good side, you must listen to my complaints.”

  “Don’t annoy me, or I may talk about you to other people.”

  “I’m perfect. Therefore, it is my duty to notice all of the faults around me.”

  “I’m right, so you had better be sure to listen to me.”

  Most Whine and Cheesers learned this behavior as children.

  Maybe they had parents who modeled this behavior. Maybe whining was the only way to get attention. Maybe honesty and feelings were criticized or ignored. Whatever the reason, complaining is a habit, and a self-defeating one at that.

  The Payoff for the Whine and Cheeser’s Toxic Behavior

  Zero responsibility is the name of the game for the Whine and Cheesers. In addition, they annoy others so much that they are ostracized from the group, and that is their goal—to be left alone and have no personal accountability. Frequently, they will not be asked to accept additional work or responsibilities because no one wants to hear their constant complaints and rants.

  Survival Tactics

  Don’t agree with the Whine and Cheeser. Ever. They are famous for interrupting others and cutting them off to add their negative comments. Learn to stop them by saying courteously, “That’s not the way I see it. My point of view is . . .” or “I choose to take a more positive perspective, because I have found that gets me better results.” Don’t pause or hesitate, because that space will give the Whine and Cheeser an opportunity to continue with their negativity.

  Another great a
pproach is to ignore their complaints when in public, then corner the Whine and Cheeser privately. In this approach, you should use “I” language and not “you” language. Keeping total responsibility for what you are saying is critical, because the minute you begin pointing the finger with “you” language you will start pushing them even further into pessimism. This may not change them, but you will feel much better! More important, you will have modeled what a proactive message sounds like.

  What to Say

  Do not let these people suck the life out of you. Memorize a statement that fits with your situation and use it on the Whine and Cheeser and say it repeatedly to them because they probably will not hear it the first few times. This lets them know you are not buying into their misery.

  “Are you looking for some specific solutions to this, or do you just want me to help you look into the problem?”

  “Did you want me to comment or just listen?”

  “Let’s take a moment to focus on the good points. What idea appeals to you the most?”

  “From what I’ve seen, I don’t think that is true. Whenever I’ve gone to her with a problem she’s been really open and helpful.”

  “The focus so far is

  . Is there anything else?”

  Behaviors to Avoid

  At all costs, do not buy into their misery. If you are having a tough day, avoid the Whine and Cheeser.

  When they are telling you their story of woe, unfold your arms and push the energy toward them by leaning forward. Stay pleasant and focused on your goals. In addition, try not to embarrass them.

  This just gives them more ammunition.

  Identify if your Toxic Person is a Whine and Cheeser by listening and watching. Do this as quickly as possible and then take action. Don’t fall victim to the Whine and Cheeser. That is their goal!

  Take II: How It Should Sound

  Jonathan knew that there must be another reorganization coming, because all the bigwigs were in meetings day after day. While talking with Mary, a coworker, he said, “We don’t even have the resources we need right now to do the job. Why do they think giving me a new boss every 18 months will make things better? All they really want is to cut costs. What do you think, Mary?”

  Mary answered, “I think change is good. It makes us—” Before she could finish, Jonathan cut her off, saying, “Change is awful!” Mary jumped right back in and said, “Oh, Jonathan, I wasn’t finished with my thought. As I was saying, I think change is good. It makes us find new solutions and keeps the environment dynamic. Personally, I am not going to what-if myself into a frenzy. Let’s make a pact right now. I know as two professionals we can do this, Jonathan!” Jonathan frowned, and Mary nudged him. “Oh, come on. Just play along with me, okay?” Mary knew she would have to take this same approach several more times to stop Jonathan’s constant negativity. She wished he would go drag someone else down!

  Do you want some whine with that cheese?

  Chapter 9 - The Planning for Toxic Spills

  Are you thinking about how hard it will be for you to change?

  Well, you are right. We are creatures of habit, and change is hard, but not impossible. Because you have continued to read this far, it must mean you are serious about managing Toxic People, decontaminating conflict situations, and resolving dogfights and cat-fights of the human kind.

  In this age of uncertainty, we must challenge the fear we feel when faced with our own change. You can’t have a plan of attack if you are fearful of retribution, revenge, paybacks, or bad outcomes.

  Decontaminating Toxic People is easy when you choose to look at current approaches, evaluate whether they are working, choose to improve, and take a risk.

  The root of the problem is that you allow fear to keep you stuck in a downward spiral of negativity, preventing you from moving into action.

  Bo, the Needy Weenie, was driving you nuts at work. You would see his car in the parking lot and want to turn around and drive home. Taking a different elevator than usual, you’d walk all the way around the office to delay your inevitable encounter with Bo, and then, wham! Just when you thought it was safe, the Needy Weenie would show up. Bo would start in with all the problems of the world. You’d feel like your hair was on fire and want to run away screaming.

  Start to plan your responses today. Don’t delay. Don’t just think of using one strategy when you plan. Have a variety of approaches. That way, no matter how the conversation changes, you are prepared and ready to neutralize any toxin that is introduced.

  Jay couldn’t sleep at night, because his thoughts kept returning to rumors of reorganization and merger that had been floating around the office for days. What would he do if his job was eliminated? How would he make ends meet and feed his family if he had to take a lesser job? He had so much time invested! What to do? He was angry, anxious, and depressed, and the toxic juices flowed in his body. The stress was affecting his job performance and his personal relationships. He was sick both mentally and physically!

  Every company either has reorganized or is thinking of reorganization. Most employees do not take the time to plan how to market themselves, so they live under the cloud of the “being laid off”

  fear. Why? Because it takes energy, time, and focus to plan for their next position. Don’t get caught in this rut. Take time today and plan for your next job, just in case. Here are six tips to manage the “reorg blues”:

  Get a newspaper, study ads for jobs similar to yours, and determine your fair market wage. You should do this at least every six months anyway! What is your market value?

  Go online to the many web sites available and look for your current position to verify your salary and benefits. Oh, I know—no one has a job like yours. Just come close!

  Identify the job of your dreams and determine which companies offer this type of position. Really, think big. If it were a perfect world, what job would you take?

  Update your resume so it reflects the nuances of today’s marketplace. People want to know what you can do for them, not what you’ve done in the past! Identify what you bring to the party and how you can help the company succeed. Soft skills and hard skills should be included.

  Find an interesting company? Do your research on its financials, core values, mission, and goals. Can you live with them? Do they match your set of standards or at least come close?

  Keep sniffing around. Most people will never do this, because planning takes time and energy. Don’t get lazy. Start this process today.

  I challenge you to be ready: If you wind up in a situation that is intolerable because of Toxic People, be ready to bail. Otherwise, you’ll become the Toxic Person.

  I am convinced people become toxic and drag down the rest of the team because they are unhappy. They want everyone around them to feel miserable, too.

  Managers don’t put into place actions that can be used with these bad apples. They transfer them to someone else’s work area and say things like, “They will be just perfect on your team. We just never developed the chemistry.” That is probably because the bad apple created a toxic spill, and the manager never learned how to clean it up. Instead of evaluating the person and planning for improvement, managers complete glowing evaluations simply because they don’t have the guts to broach the subject. They don’t know how to tell Toxic People the truth and put them on an improvement program. Managing fear is very simple. Learn where it comes from and how to deal with it.

  In addition, it’s not always the manager’s place to clean up the toxic spill. It is everyone’s responsibility to learn how to manage these people. So, stop pointing fingers and making excuses.

  Jane was ticked off once again. Maryann had been reassigned to her team. The last time this happened, the results were deplorable. Jane decided to take action. She approached the team members and had them determine “rules of engagement and expectations.” She put each of the individuals in charge of keeping within the parameters they had set.

  When Maryann fell back into h
er old habits of not doing her job, one of the team members would notice the behavior and approach her. It wasn’t a personal approach or attack; the rules of engagement were simply being addressed.

  Successful people apply strategies that lessen the fear of the future and what it can (and probably will) afford them.

  SEPARATE CAUTION FROM FEAR

  Caution is an intelligent response to a real threat. Fear is an exaggerated response to an imagined or inflated threat. For example, have you ever seen Toxic People explode when they don’t get their way? Your fear heightens when you know you are the one who must approach these human volcanoes with information that runs contrary to what they want. The trick is to know you have practiced communication skills, bolstering your confidence for the approaching conversation.

  When you feel helpless, remain calm and take an outsider’s view to accurately assess the level of true danger. Have an out-of-body experience and look from the outside in; then take reasonable precautions. Example: Your internal language of “What if . . .” can push you into bone-chilling fear. What are you saying to yourself? Are your words instilling fear? Do you feel fearful because your perception of the situation is distorted? Force yourself to proceed with caution.

  “Here we go again,” Vern thought to himself. “The last time I had to address the group, Elizabeth nailed me! What if I screw up again?

  What if I get kicked off this team? What if I lose my job? What if I can’t find a new one? What am I going to do?” Vern stopped himself, knowing he was sending himself into a downward spiral.