Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape

by Marsha Petrie Sue

  LET THEM VENT

  You have to let them release the steam. Like a pressure cooker, if you take the top off without first letting the steam release, you will wind up with a mess! Don’t try to resolve the issue without listening to the problem. (See Chapter 11, “Listen Up!,” for listening skills.) If you do, it makes you and the company look bad, because the customer just gets angrier. Train yourself to really listen to their language. Keep them on track when their complaining starts to wander to information that will not help you determine what the issue is and resolve their problem. Try this language:

  “I want to make sure we get this resolved quickly; so what we need to focus on here is ___________________.”

  “I want to make sure I understand exactly what I need to focus on here.”

  When they veer off track, wait until they take a breath and then come back with your input. Keep your tone low and steady.

  Jasper opened his credit card statement and was furious. He grabbed the phone and dialed the customer service line. He screamed into the phone, “I didn’t want this upgrade and am really upset it showed up on my credit card monthly statement. You people are idiots! I can’t believe you cheaters would do this to me. This happened to me last year when I bought a gift for my wife. My son is an attorney, so you had better make this right. You have no idea how upset I am!” When he took a breath, C.J., the customer service rep, said politely, “I can hear how upset you are. May I have your account number and we will get this resolved right now?”

  Toxic clients often have a difficult time getting their story and data neatly packaged. Your verification of what they tell you is critical.

  Jasper continued to rant, “I needed this gift delivered before the holiday. We did change the size, but we didn’t think this would affect the delivery time. You people promised me it would be here. I’m upset, my wife is upset, and my youngest child is very sad. This is my third time calling you! We want this resolved now !” C.J. knew the best thing to do was to calmly paraphrase the issue and try to get the account number again. “I am so sorry your package was not delivered in a timely manner. Your account number should be on the right-hand corner of the statement, under the date. Can you give that to me, please, and we’ll get this resolved.”

  YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO GET ANGRY BECAUSE THEY ARE ANGRY

  When you get angry, they win. Period. You give your power away.

  Remember, the customers are the ones with the money, and they will choose to spend their cash elsewhere—so they win. Even if you are mentally upset but force yourself to be physically calm, the client will see or hear your anger immediately. People are smart and can see through the thin veneer of faking it.

  Some customer service people—and perhaps that would include you—should be charged with arguing under the influence.

  There should be secret shoppers and customer service sneaks who call the poor behavior. When people do get caught supplying poor replies, the “consciousness of guilt” syndrome hits, and they become even more angry because they know they’ve been caught while arguing under the influence of not taking the proper approach. Here are some clues.

  Don’t say anything that resembles any of these statements:

  “You have to . . .”

  “You’re wrong.”

  “It’s against our policies.”

  “I can’t help you.”

  “We never . . .”

  “We can’t . . .”

  “You must be confused.”

  SEE THEIR ISSUE FROM THEIR VIEWPOINT

  Convey to the toxic customer that you understand their situation. Remember you are not saying that you agree, just that you understand.

  “I’m sorry about what happened.”

  “This must be very upsetting to you.”

  “I see what you mean.”

  “I can see why you feel this way.”

  “I can tell how frustrating this must be.”

  You need to convey that you are genuinely sorry. Mean what you say, because people can tell if you are faking. Check the tone of your voice if you are on the phone.

  One of the ways to check yourself is to tape-record several conversations (just your side, because in most states it is illegal to tape both). Review this recording to identify any words, tone, or behavior that should be changed to wow every customer, whether angry or not, every time! It is your job to do this. I recommend taking this action for improvement every three months, if not more frequently.

  Use this information in training others to help them learn before they have to encounter the same scenario. If you are doing this as an individual, get someone you trust to listen with you for another viewpoint. So many times you think you are saying the right words and in your head it sounds like your inflection is great, but others do not view it the same way. Their perception is different, so listen to what they have to offer.

  In addition, when dealing with angry customers, beware of being trapped by their negative attack. The situation will escalate if you begin to mentally call them names such as jerk, stupid, creep, bozo, moron, pushy, turkey, rude, and liar.

  Typically, if they are name calling, you will mirror what they are saying and react with the same. Don’t fall into this trap. They want you to become angry, because then they have power over the situation. In addition, don’t take what they say personally, because anger is a real in-your-face emotion. Screaming, rude comments about your mother, aggressive body language, and fist raising can make you either sink or attack.

  PROBLEM SOLVE ACTIVELY

  Immediately clarify the cause of the customer’s problem. Ask yourself, “What does this customer need, and how can I provide it?”

  The quickest way to get here is to ask the toxic client directly, “What do you want me to do?” Whatever the client says is a starting point, especially if it is way off base as to what will really happen.

  Don’t jump to conclusions. Rather, ask questions that help clarify the cause of the customer’s problem. Continue to dig by asking questions and paraphrasing the responses.

  Don’t use their name too frequently. Think about how you feel when someone does this to you. Their toxic behavior will be amplified if you do!

  If their assertion is well stated and the conversation is flowing, let them finish two or three comments, then paraphrase. Their anger will heighten if you play their words back to them too frequently.

  Concentrate on listening. If you are taking notes, typing, or doing something that distracts you from the issue at hand, you are not providing the best in client care. I understand that in some circumstances you need to input the information on the computer, so just write down the key words and fill in the blanks later.

  Don’t let your mind wander back to a similar scenario you had and how that was resolved. Stay in the moment. There will be some part of their complaint that is unique and you will miss it if you are recalling the past.

  When you have finished with the client, think about how you could resolve this situation so it will not be as daunting the next time it happens. Think about what you did well and what you should change next time to create a better outcome.

  AGREE ON THE SOLUTION

  Before diving into a solution, make sure you have all the facts.

  When you are comfortable, move on to the solution phase, and work with an acceptable solution to the problem. If you still do not know what will satisfy the toxic client and make them happy, simply ask. Don’t second-guess what will resolve the issue, because every situation, and client, is unique.

  If you cannot commit to their solution or wish, tell them that you find it necessary to verify the resolution and will be back with them and that this step will ultimately save them time. Here is the part that is very upsetting to me personally and I’m sure to many others: You are promised a call back, and never get one.

  We needed a new wood-burning stove for our cabin. We went to Florence’s retail outlet, selected a stove, and ordered it, paying half at the time of
placing the order. Florence said she would call as soon as she received information from the factory about delivery time. Not hearing from her within a month, we called her back. “Well, I still haven’t heard. I think they must be really busy.” Were we concerned? No. However, another 10 days went by without a call from Florence. We phoned her again and she said, “They start production in another month for the stove you ordered.” We didn’t believe her, so we called the factory ourselves. What a surprise when we found out the stove was in stock and were able to arrange to have it shipped to Florence’s retail location. Even though her company eventually properly installed the unit in the cabin, neither my husband nor I will recommend her. Ever!

  Always follow up with the answers and solutions when you say you will, even if it’s a call to tell them you know nothing. Do you want to create toxic clients? Leave them hanging with no solution or information.

  FOLLOW UP

  What impresses me is when a company actually follows up after I’ve had to contact its customer service. Interestingly, some companies even provide this service after you order from them. One vendor, PrintingForLess.com, not only gives me excellent pricing and products, but the follow-up is amazing. I receive a phone call verifying that I am satisfied and an e-mail. When its competitors call me and say they can beat its prices, I really don’t care because I am so impressed with its customer care.

  Reverse the Scenario

  The decision to adopt a cat was a big one for Janita because she owned her own business and did a bit of traveling. After carefully determining that she could give a cat a nice home, the attractive, blond kitty lover decided to visit the Pet Shop because it was “Adopt a Pet Day.”

  Barry introduced Janita to Joan, the person in charge of adoptions.

  Janita explained excitedly, “I want to adopt a kitten or a cat today.”

  With one look at Janita, Joan announced, “Well, I’m not going to let you adopt one. We do not want flight attendants adopting one of our precious animals.” Startled, Janita protested, “I am not a flight attendant. I’m a business owner and—” Joan cut her off. “I’m not going to argue with you. You aren’t getting a cat today.” Again, Janita started to speak. “I really—” Joan cut her off again. “Well, I’m not letting you have a cat. We do not let your kind adopt our animals.” Shocked and disappointed, Janita left the pet store.

  In reviewing the situation with a friend, Janita realized she had an idea from the moment she saw Joan that the experience was going to have a bad outcome. She later recalled hearing Joan’s loud voice berate another Pet Shop associate as she entered the store.

  Joan’s demeanor was aggressive, her voice was laced with anger, and her approach was antagonistic. Janita’s internal Breathalyzer was working, and perhaps she should have just left before the entire scene played out.

  If you apply the skills and ideas covered in this book, you will be able to activate your internal Breathalyzer without even thinking. Evaluating people and situations before you are intertwined in anger, conflict, and discord could prevent stress for you and your work group.

  External and Internal Testing

  Every office should have toxic police who have the right to accuse people of being TUI—talking under the influence. Leaders and managers need to give Toxic People a Breathalyzer test and challenge the behavior of those creating havoc. But who creates the toxic behavior?

  Have you given yourself a Breathalyzer test lately? Do you really know how you react or respond to Toxic People? You have absolute control over one thing, and that is your thoughts. This is extremely significant as well as inspiring and terrifying to most people.

  All a Toxic Client Wants Is . . .

  Timely service.

  Fast response.

  Knowledgeable customer service reps.

  Advice and counsel when appropriate.

  Accuracy.

  Consistent service.

  Fair pricing.

  Courtesy.

  Promises kept.

  Chapter 14 - Mental Looting

  Mental looting can provide initial paralysis during the decontamination process. The input from others becomes disturbing and creates a thought process that ignores reality and generates mental terrorism. This human mayhem can be overcome by finding the true underlying cause of your thinking.

  The internal hurricane of self-doubt mentally loots you of your confidence, willingness to accept change, and ability to deal with Toxic People. Your frames of reference create unconscious patterns from very small bits of experience. These translate into the memories of negativity, can make you a victim, and create internal misery.

  Look to Ben

  When you are having trouble moving forward, stop and create a so-called Ben Franklin list comprised of the pros and cons of the situation. This neglected tool helps you survive the floodwaters from others or even from yourself. When making this list, brainstorm with yourself and include everything. Nothing is sacred!

  Problem: I need to approach my boss and explain that I am stressed and have too much to do.

  PROS (REASONS FOR TAKING ACTION) CONS (WHY I THINK I SHOULDN’T)

  My work will be better prioritized.

  The boss will get angry.

  I’ll have less stress.

  The approach will create more stress.

  I’ll be more productive.

  Because I brought it up, my boss will give me more work.

  I’ll determine a better use of my skills.

  My boss or team doesn’t care about my being overwhelmed.

  I will have better focus.

  They won’t see how my focus will be improved.

  I’ll take on projects that are more relevant

  They may think I am currently assigned the right projects.

  My leadership will be noticed.

  They will blacklist me.

  I’ll go to lunch with friends.

  I have no friends. It doesn’t matter.

  I’ll leave work at a reasonable hour

  They won’t think I’m doing my fair share.

  You now have a list that will help you realistically evaluate what you are facing. When you are feeling mentally drained, try this and you will find that it works very well, especially if you are stuck and can’t find the momentum to move. If you don’t take action, you will become toxic because you feel trapped. Always ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that can happen?” This question can put an overwhelming task or issue into perspective.

  Stephen was upset with his peer, Norm, once again. They shared the same office space, so it was hard for Norm not to overhear conversations. Stephen had worked to improve his relationship with Laura, the office manager, but had again argued over how the supplies should be ordered. Once Stephen hung up the phone, Norm turned around and started gossiping about Laura and giving Stephen advice, emphasizing how poorly he had handled the call. Flipping his chair around, Stephen worked for the rest of the day in total silence, not saying a word to anyone. Fuming for hours didn’t resolve anything, though, so the next day Stephen had a plan. If Norm thought he had all the answers, Stephen would approach him over a cup of coffee, and they would put together a pros and cons list. At least now he had a plan.

  This process will accomplish two things: make Norm part of the solution, and take a fresh approach to managing the Laura situation.

  Toxic Soup

  Rescue yourself! Run away from being ill-prepared, because you do have untold resources at your disposal. You can quietly supersede the lethal toxic soup fed to you.

  Here’s something you can do, as you are personally accountable for taking the heat out of the toxic soup. Use the freeze-frame technique to reframe negative thoughts into positive ones. Catch yourself midsentence and midthought, and take a positive spin versus a negative twist. Freeze the toxic frame of reference. This can be done no matter how daunting and toxic the situation.

  Learn to quietly supersede the negatives in life. Get out of being trapped into calamity
thinking. It vandalizes mental capability. Survive the floodwaters from others by choosing not to be a victim. Your suffering from the initial paralysis caused by others and your own thinking can be changed. And don’t ignore reality.

  You have untold resources at your fingertips. Use them and stop making excuses.

  Where is your focus in difficult times? Beware! Sometimes the focus is on the storm rather than the gorgeous rainbow after the weather passes. Are you thinking about how catastrophic the outcome will be, or do you give yourself a clear view of how you want it to be?

  Peggy was late for the meeting. Screeching into the parking lot, she saw one space left. “I’ll just pop around to the other side and get that space,” she thought to herself. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed a massive SUV speeding into the same lot. Just as she was aiming her car toward the space, the SUV slammed in front of her and took the space. “You idiot! You jerk!” she said out loud.

  At this point, she knew she could either throw the toxic soup into her thoughts and feed on it or choose to find a parking place on the street. Her friend called it “parking karma,” and she turned her thoughts to how the exercise of walking from the street would be good for her because she would be sitting for the rest of the day. “It’s the world’s way of making sure I burn a few calories,” she thought to herself. Freeze-framing her negativity and focusing on the meeting gave her a new objective.

  Only you can take personal responsibility for learning how to decontaminate toxic people by becoming a great internal communicator. Hang around positive, supportive people, and dump those who mentally loot you. You do not deserve their toxic waste. Some people use their verbal weapons to loot your self-esteem and self-confidence.