Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape

by Marsha Petrie Sue

  If you catch yourself focusing on the incoming storm and the what-ifs, ask yourself, “What can I change and learn?” Arm yourself with 24-hour awareness of your self-talk, because you do become what you think about. Whether at work or at home, your behavior will change only if you constantly work on it. So, don’t just try something once or twice! Practice and upgrade your internal and external communications. Record your external communications and review them.

  Yes-o-Meter

  We earlier identified “yes” behavior to be found mainly in the Needy Weenie in Chapter 7. Have you bought into having a yes-o-meter? Society today has a plague of yes people, and this creates toxic situations and people. Saying yes is not exclusive to these people, however.

  Most people hate confrontation and conflict as being related to rudeness and discomfort. I’ll bet you have a real fear of that short-term unpleasantness of telling someone “No,” and to avoid it you are willing to subject yourself to the ultimate unhappiness.

  Have you ever said yes to:

  A volunteer job you knew you didn’t have time for?

  Helping with the blood drive at work?

  Attending a meeting that you knew would be a waste of your time?

  Going somewhere you really didn’t want to go?

  Buying clothes you really didn’t like?

  Participating in an activity that you hated?

  Buying equipment because you didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings?

  Having a drink when you really didn’t feel like it?

  Eating something that you knew you didn’t care for?

  Going for coffee with someone you really didn’t like?

  This is the ultimate in mental looting! For example, if you have too much on your plate because of constantly saying yes when you should be saying no, this will push you into becoming a Whine and Cheeser (Chapter 8).

  How about getting run over by a Steamroller (Chapter 3)?

  They constantly throw too much at everyone—except for that one person who has learned to say no.

  Perhaps we should consider the behavior of the Zipper Lips in Chapter 4. They mentally loot you because you’ve stopped even asking them to do anything. Their endless pauses and lack of input are making you crazy. In frustration, you wind up doing it all yourself.

  You are in the habit of saying yes to just about everything because this response is easier than coming up with a reason for refusing. Think about a difficult project that you know is underfunded and not well thought out. You will say yes to being on the team instead of asking questions and finding out more. As you get busier, the problem intensifies because it’s easier to slide along with the status quo. The result is you question your own thought process and mentally loot yourself!

  How to Say No without Feeling Guilty (or Getting Fired)

  Learn to have a better score on the yes-o-meter by using the following three-step model:

  Acknowledge the request or action you are being asked to do, and paraphrase what they want delivered back to them. This clarifies expectations, because people don’t always communicate well.

  Use “I” language and take personal responsibility for what you need. (I think, I need, I want, I feel, etc.)

  Give the person requesting you to do something two choices (when possible) and let them choose.

  Manny had told his boss, Robin, that he had to leave at 5:00 P.M., his normal departure time. The day progressed and at 4:45 Robin walked in with a pile of work. Pushing the pile closer to Manny, Robin said, “I need you to finish this work before you leave today.”

  Manny said pleasantly, “This project must be important to you. As I mentioned this morning, I need to leave at five o’clock today. I am not able to stay. I can check on whether someone else is able to stay and help, or I will rearrange my schedule for tomorrow morning and help you then. Which one of those two is going to work better for you?”

  Did you just faint? Are you saying to yourself, “No way! I’d be fired!” Pay attention to why some people don’t stay late. Listen to their language, and you will find that they use this kind of approach. Understanding, practicing, and using similar language will help you teach other people how to treat you. And you do teach people how to treat you.

  I would recommend writing out exactly what you want to say using the model. Practice it many times and get to know the structure, flow, and words as well as you know your own name. Keep practicing the words, because in your first few tries using this method the outcome will not be exact. If you don’t take this advice, you will continue to fade and say “Yes” when you know you should be saying “No!”

  Defensive People Are Looters

  People who always jump back and say “I knew that!” exhibit defensiveness. Dealing with defensive people is not easy and is truly a learned skill. If you don’t learn it, they will mentally loot you. Face it. People will get angry, whether your partner retreats to silence or a work peer starts yelling. These behaviors may seem to be different, but they are not. They are both defensive. Someone who chronically makes fun of others also shows defensiveness.

  The first key is not to protect yourself. They don’t care about you, and your behavior can push them even further away. If you start to retreat into your own kind of inappropriate behavior, you are allowing them to mug you and steal your self-worth. Remind yourself that this is their way of defending themselves and it has worked so well they continue to use it. You reward them when you allow them to pilfer your confidence.

  To prevent this theft, work on always being a good listener. Listen intently and hear their words in spite of their emotions. Summarize what you are hearing to stay on base. If they drift to another topic, draw them back to the key point that initiated the defensiveness. If you don’t know what is going on, listen more intently and ask “tell me more” kinds of questions.

  Arguing

  Take a hard look at how you argue. Everyone has had an argument that they were sorry for and walked away from feeling awful. Your first strategy should be to make sure you are arguing about the same issue. It is your job to confirm this.

  “Don’t argue with an idiot. People watching may not be able to tell the difference!”

  When you argue, you give reasons or cite evidence in support of an idea, action, or theory, typically with the aim of persuading others to share your view. Some people argue just to cause havoc and to make others feel bad. Mental looting is often the result of arguing because you are not confident enough to stand up for yourself.

  The budget had not been approved, and Tim needed to move forward with his project. When he approached Mona, his superior, to determine budget approval timing, she slammed down her notebook and said, “Look, Tim, I’m not going to argue with you about the budget.

  I’ll get back to you when I have more information! Now go be productive and stop your whining.”

  Tim was devastated. His hands were tied and he was unable to move forward with this critical project. How would he tell the team that they were at a stalemate? His confidence was at an all-time low.

  That evening, he surfed the Internet for ideas on problem solving, negotiating, and debating. After reading a few articles, he had new assurance on how to proceed.

  He went back to the team, and they revisited their strategy for completing the project. They established a new methodology and a new budget. Presented with the refreshed direction, Mona had new energy in understanding their monetary needs and promised to revisit his revised scenario. Tim’s passion to move forward was reignited, and that was obvious to the rest of the group.

  Generally, to get what you want, you need to negotiate with other people. Improving your communication skills (i.e., improving your arguing skills) will help. To get what you want is one reason for arguing. Other reasons to argue are to find out what you believe and what other people believe and why.

  Keep an open mind to differing opinions because it:

  Shows what position a person holds.

  Allows others
to present their points or perspectives.

  Helps arguers reach and understand new views and reasons for those views.

  Does not mentally loot people.

  Set your ego aside and look for truth or at least discover different ways of researching issues and situations. Listen carefully to arguments presented and formulate your own response. Too many people just knee-jerk and don’t think about their response and the impact it can have on the other person.

  People also need to know that you understand their frustration and their reason for being pushed over the edge. That means you do not raise your voice, use intimidating language, or display other hostile characteristics; you merely agree on the issue. And never call anyone names. This is a real sign of immaturity when people resort to name-calling.

  Remember that this is understanding, not agreeing. There’s a big difference!

  Counseling and Coaching

  One way to mentally loot other people is to keep them in the dark.

  The lack of information, especially when it concerns the quality of their work, borders on inhumane. If you wonder why morale is in the pits, this can be the reason.

  Whether you are a worker bee or the leader, it is your obligation to review job responsibilities. I learned early in my career to make sure each person understands their job responsibilities by reviewing everyone’s job description at least every six months. This recap includes the rewards of doing the job well. I then ask them for the consequences if they do not meet those job definitions and expected outcomes. Have your pen and paper ready. People are often much harder on themselves than you would be. Listen carefully and note down what they say.

  I call this “Rewards and Consequences.” Down the road, if you then have job performance issues, you have a list of exactly what should transpire. Their defensiveness is better managed because there are no surprises. What could they say? They set up the consequences! Of course, this approach is used within the parameters of your human resources policy.

  When Barbara was hired, her boss, Tom, reviewed all the assigned job responsibilities. He then told her all the payoffs for Barbara if she did her job and even if she exceeded the required outcomes. She was thrilled knowing that she could get a raise and be up for the prime assignments, time off, and even a promotion!

  Then Tom got out a pad and pencil and said, “So tell me, Barbara, what should the consequences be if you do not achieve these targets?” Without even taking a breath, Barbara said, “I should be fired.” Tom reared back and said, “Whoa—I was thinking that before that happened perhaps there could be some cross-training, outside coaching, or attending a workshop. Let’s design this together.”

  And they did. In his leadership role, Tom had learned that people were much harder on themselves than he was. Also, there was no question as to what could happen if the outcomes were not met. Reviewing the job responsibilities, rewards, and consequences with all of his employees every six months was at the top of his leadership list.

  If you are the employee, it is your responsibility to check the expected outcomes of your job with your boss. In today’s crazy work environment, many managers and supervisors do not take the time to tell you what they want you to do as well as their perception of expected outcomes. If they don’t have time to meet with you, write out what you think your job responsibilities are and give them the list for their verification. This way you have documented what the parameters of the job entail. This is your personal responsibility to understand, so stop saying, “Well, they didn’t tell me.” In addition, if you are surprised by negative comments in your annual appraisal, you need to validate what your leader expects of you. Schedule this in your calendar for a quarterly review and remember you are the one who takes the lead by requesting the meeting. Of all the research I do as a professional speaker, the number one concern with both leaders and employees is the lack of communication. If you are not in the loop, take action to find out what you need to do in your job. If you choose not to, don’t be surprised if you become the Toxic Person and feel mentally looted.

  Asserting Yourself

  Learning to assert yourself in a positive way, without hostility, is the approach to take to ensure a better result. Controlling your anger does not mean ignoring the situation. If you choose to retreat, you give the other person control over you and the outcome.

  Jeb was reporting to the group on the project Marina and he had completed. This was a critical turning point for the success of Marina’s largest client. But what was happening? Jeb was presenting the findings without acknowledging her contribution. Jeb had done this before, and Marina had approached him with her concerns. She thought this had been resolved, but obviously it had not. The client was pleased and thanked Jeb for the outstanding contribution made to the very sensitive project.

  When Jeb’s presentation was finished, Marina stood up and firmly stated, “I want to thank Jeb for delivering our results. Spending equal time in developing this plan was a real pleasure, and I’m pleased with our solutions. Please let Jeb or me know what questions you might have,” and she calmly sat down.

  Marina stated her thoughts without being hostile. What would you do in this situation? Feel mentally looted, sulk, or seethe at the next meeting? If you choose to become defensive and hostile, you look like a poor sport. To stand up for your rights takes confidence on your part and the knowledge that you do have the capabilities to drive the outcomes you want.

  Some situations do not deserve your energy and concern.

  When you determine the best solution is to walk away, do it, and feel good about your decision.

  Don’t let anyone break into your mental state and loot the richness of your productivity and power. Some people who do this have been mentally looted themselves and therefore view the looting behavior as acceptable.

  Don’t let them come back to you and say, “Oh, I was only kidding. Don’t take it so seriously.” Reviewing Chapters 3 to 8

  and the possible responses will serve you well. Mental looting is serious, and you have to prevent these felonious attacks on your thinking.

  Chapter 15 - Toxic Infections

  You are contaminated every day with toxic infections derived from people, jobs, or your environment. This realization occurred early in my work life.

  Upon graduating from college, I took a job as a kindergarten teacher. This was before kids had the opportunity to go to preschool, which meant that most of the kindergartners had not developed social skills or become used to sharing. The noise level every day was earsplitting and my time in the classroom became a challenge, but the worst part for me was the parents.

  Seven-year-old Joe was selfish and rude. In approaching his parents to see how we could work together to help the child, I was shocked when they went on counterattack and screamed, “You’re ruining our child!” I wanted to reply, “Well, you’ve done a pretty good job yourself!,” but didn’t say so. They spewed their toxic venom and infected me with total distaste for my chosen profession. That was just the first incident of many.

  I hated every day, crying on the drive to the school and on the way home. Some evenings, I would sit in my car and sob because I didn’t want to go back the next day. For those of you who are teachers, God bless you. It just wasn’t my forte, desire, or passion. I had a terrible toxic infection, and it had happened because of my choices.

  After six months, I decided to start looking for something else.

  Scanning the want ads, I saw an ad for a “candy girl” who would provide free samples of goodies at retail locations. I was a girl and I liked candy, so the interview was a no-brainer. I got the job and loved it. I was healed! We allow ourselves to become sick, and it is our job to change the environment.

  Awareness is key. I began to notice that my original profession had not been the only toxic infection I was experiencing. A symptom I should have noticed was the toxic soup being dished up by one of my acquaintances. For example, this was the comment I had received after explaining my
job predicament: “You want sympathy for your choice to be a teacher? Look up sympathy in the dictionary, and you’ll find it right along with shit and suicide.”

  I’ve never forgotten that conversation, as it left a real scar in my mind; but it was the bad-tasting medicine I needed to move me forward.

  Taking a cut in pay was worth it to free myself from the emotional angst of teaching, not to mention eliminating the excruciating migraine headaches. Little did I know that this choice to change was the beginning of a successful career in sales and marketing, so I am grateful for all the cuts and bruises I’ve endured. I was healed from the toxic infections.

  Moral of the story: If you are in a job you don’t like or if it isn’t what you want to be when you grow up, change it. However, here is the rub: You must do the best job you can in the moment, right now and today. Don’t become a slacker, because then you will be spewing the toxic soup on your work group and on your employer.

  They may call 911 (human resources) and give you DNR (Do Not Resuscitate accompanied with a termination notice), and you will be out the door! You are the doctor who will take charge of your career and professional success.

  Triage: Are You Infected?

  The constant flood of stress chemicals and associated metabolic changes that accompany unmanaged anger and toxicity can eventually cause harm to many different systems in your body. Some of the short-term and long-term health problems that have been linked to unmanaged anger and the absorption of Toxic People’s venom include: