Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape

by Marsha Petrie Sue

Headaches and migraines.

  Digestion problems.

  Abdominal pain.

  Insomnia.

  Increased anxiety.

  Depression.

  High blood pressure.

  Skin problems, such as eczema.

  Heart attack.

  Stroke.

  “We’ve known for at least 20 years that people who have chronic anger are more likely to have severe blockages in their heart arteries, to develop heart disease over time, to have increased risk of cancer death, and to have more rapid progression of arterial sclerosis, even increased risk of workplace injuries,” says Redford Williams, MD, director of the Behavioral Medicine Research Center at Duke University Medical Center and a leading expert on anger management.

  Norma is living proof of what toxic infections can do to you. In 1990, she was hired by a company that was willing to pay her big bucks to reorganize a poorly producing segment of the organization. She did not know that the situation was about as toxic as they come. After a few short months, her health was a mess and she had developed open sores in her mouth. Her physician thought it was thrush. “What? Isn’t that what babies get?” she exclaimed. The doctor wrote her a prescription for a miracle drug, which gave her no relief.

  Doctor number two, an eye, ear, nose, and throat specialist, diagnosed acid reflux and assured her that was causing the sores in her mouth. Norma had waited two hours in his office, and the stress of waiting worsened her toxic infection. This physician prescribed a different miracle drug, which provided no relief. The open lesions were becoming more painful.

  Doctor number three (now six months into this), another eye, ear, nose, and throat guru, said a blood test was in order. The expert told Norma, “It looks like an immune deficiency—something like AIDS.”

  In her mind, she had herself eulogized and buried.

  Doctor number four, a dermatologist who came highly recommended, looked in her mouth and said, “It’s easy to see that you have Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. This malady is the most common type of autoimmune thyroid disease. It is found mainly in women, although I have seen several men with the same condition. It occurs when the body’s immune system becomes misdirected and attacks the organs, cells, or tissues that it was designed to protect. It is caused by not managing your stress.”

  Toxic behavior, both yours and others’, creates stress and consequently ill health by spewing the hormone cortisol into your system. Norma’s doctor went on to explain that if she didn’t take charge of her stress, her condition would get worse. Lowering the cortisol level is accomplished by adding balance to your life, eating properly, and exercising regularly. It’s just that simple.

  Healing Toxic Infections

  Times are tough. Trusting others is down, while blaming is up. Optimistic outlooks are down, and fear is up. Managing stress and healing toxic infections requires a blend of energy, humor, spirit, and self-confidence. Where will you focus? What can you do to move to a less toxic environment? Like Norma, you are the one who must take care of your health. Stress and unmanaged toxic infections will kill you.

  ENERGY: A CURE FOR TOXIC INFECTIONS

  How do you create energy? When you feel especially alive, what has occurred? When you feel stressed, what has occurred? My energy comes from feeling that I can handle any situation or person and that I am in control. Some parts of life you control: food, lifestyle, knowledge, time, relationships, appearance, thoughts—just to name a few.

  Typically, you do not control others’ perceptions, the weather, other people’s problems, travel delays, poor service, or traffic.

  When you spend precious energy trying to control elements that are beyond your control, you feel down, out of control, and toxic.

  The new team Francis was assigned to never seemed to do anything right. His attitude was in the pits, and he was procrastinating about setting a meeting with this dysfunctional group because he was convinced it would be another waste of his time. His energy to move forward was totally gone.

  He caught himself in this negative spiral. Keeping a journal and tracking what was making him nuts and what gave him energy helped him analyze the situation facing him. Francis learned that he must take the time to evaluate each of his teammates and understand what behavioral types they were, the payoffs for them, and the approaches he could use. (Refer to Chapters 3 to 8 for the types of Toxic People.) This gave him the stamina to schedule the meeting. In reviewing his notes before the meeting, he was confident that his relationship management skills were well developed, and he was ready to proceed and bring the much-needed energy and focus to the team’s success.

  Here’s the lesson. Francis could have become the victim of circumstance in this new assignment. As he did, you need to evaluate your situation by keeping a journal of what you learned and what you could change for next time. Check out your energy gains and drains, and control what you can.

  Fact: People have been put on this earth to push your buttons and burst your bubble. Have you developed interpersonal skills to deal with these turkeys? Have you trained yourself to set up a reflector panel so your energy is not totally zapped? If they turn up the heat in the oven, your goose will be cooked if you don’t take control.

  Cure: Listen to people who motivate you. Yes, I know you’ve heard it all before, but do you really apply this technique with toxic infections? You are the only one who understands when you are sick of your environment and of the people who transmit the bug.

  Constantly listen and watch messages from different resources.

  Life is hard, and going it alone is difficult and can make you feel abandoned. Visit www.MarshaPetrieSue.com for suggestions.

  SPIRIT: VIVACITY, VERVE, AND ENTHUSIASM

  Spirit drives toxic infections away. Do you have real enthusiasm in your interactions with others? Spirit is built by caring and learning from your environment and not being engrossed only with you and your surroundings. This latter behavior is just selfish, because it’s all about you. Surround yourself with positive quotes, goals written as affirmations, doable action plans, and positive people, and your spirit will soar. Enthusiasm for life is the key. Spirit is something you control.

  Tips for building your spirit:

  Stay hopeful.

  Take risks.

  Volunteer for two hours a week.

  Celebrate with your family.

  Enjoy the outdoors.

  Share a positive thought.

  List reasons for gratitude.

  Develop something you can say to yourself that is inspiring—perhaps something you write yourself, a poem that is important to you, or a list of quotes that move you forward. I believe it is a good idea to change yearly to give a fresh view to your spirit. I had originally read the thoughts in my daily affirmation in Larry Winget’s Shut Up, Stop Whining, and Get a Life.

  Here is my daily affirmation:

  This day I give back more than I’ve received. I connect my head and my heart with my mouth. I surround myself with people I respect and who respect me and live by the law of attraction. My calendar is full of events that bring me joy and happiness to others. I have an abundance of money, and before spending I ask myself, “How much is enough?” I am thankful for my life and appreciate all that I have.

  What do you do to strengthen your spirit? Did you know that online there are more than 1,970,000 blogs on enthusiasm? I believe it is because people know they need enthusiasm to manage all the negatives that come their way!

  SELF-CONFIDENCE: HOW YOU VIEW YOUR ABILITIES

  Popeye is right: “I yam what I yam.” How you think about yourself either builds you up or tears you down. Your self-confidence is a result of your thinking; in banking terms, it is the emotional depository. If you view your abilities favorably, you’ve made a deposit into your account. If you berate yourself with self-deprecating self-talk and external comments, you are subtracting positive perspective from your emotional depository. Toxic infections make huge withdrawals from your self-confidence account.<
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  This ultimately is how people view you. Feel good about yourself? The turkeys will have a difficult time getting under your skin.

  Emotional depository low? Those birds will have you on the platter and will be carving you up into little pieces.

  Here are five ways to build self-confidence awareness:

  When you lay your head down on the pillow at night, think of five great events from the day. You will wake up refreshed and rested.

  Remember that you become what you think about. Dump the negative mind-set.

  Get proper rest and exercise and start eating more healthily. And start today.

  Do not let pettiness at work, at school, or in your personal life maintain power over your success. It will suck the life out of you.

  Create confidence in your talents, and you will manage change as a fact of life.

  Self-confidence is the cornerstone; if it’s low, you feel vulnerable, your immune system is weak, and you will have toxic infections. You cannot decontaminate Toxic People if you feel the least bit toxic yourself. When you are vulnerable, you can count on several responses: Your thinking becomes clouded, you lose perspective, your self-confidence dwindles, and it is difficult to be objective about yourself and the situation.

  Here are five tips for building self-confidence:

  Maintain a strong belief in your own competencies to stop the thoughts of weakness, defenselessness, and helplessness.

  Review your talents and build from your strengths. Check your weaknesses, and if they are the problem, learn to change them.

  Keep your focus on being solution oriented rather than danger oriented. Understand that there is a problem to be solved, not a threat to your life or well-being.

  Rise above it. Pretend you are in a hot air balloon, and lift your thoughts over the issue to get a new view.

  Picture what you want versus what you don’t want. Beware of becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy and falling victim to people and situations.

  HUMOR: THE BEST MEDICINE

  “Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.”

  Cure your toxic infections with laughter. We take ourselves way too seriously. The challenge is to put the humor back into your personal and professional life. Rent a fun movie like The Jerk with Steve Martin or find an old rerun with Bill Cosby. Take it to your next meeting and play a part that you find fun and humorous.

  “Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.”

  Life is serious business, but don’t take yourself too seriously. No one else does. Laughter creates endorphins and defies the stress hormone, cortisol, in your system. Stress hormones make you sick and give you serious toxic infections. When you laugh, you release the stress-buster endorphin hormone. This natural pain reliever is like a magic potion concocted in your body, and the dosage can be purposely prescribed by you. You may have heard of “runner’s high,” euphoria that develops in long distance runners as endorphins release and block out any feeling of pain.

  Learning how to manage the level of endorphins in your system can cure toxic infections. According to the online resource WebMD, the release of endorphins can be attributed to exercising regularly, eating small amounts of chocolate, sunbathing (without getting burned), laughing, being massaged, meditating, singing, and listening to your favorite music.

  When the turkeys have you in a neck hold, the stress hormones are taking over. Jesse Pittsley, PhD, president of the American Society for Exercise Physiologists, states, “For people who are physically active on a regular basis, they have active relaxation—by focusing on the sensation of moving your body and getting into the rhythmic activity and motion, it produces this relaxation response, and that I think contributes significantly to the feelings of psycho-logical well-being.”

  The substances that your brain produces depend in part on your thoughts, feelings, and expectations. If your attitude about an illness or about life in general is negative and you don’t have expectations that your situation will get better, your brain may not produce enough of the substances your mind needs to create a more positive results. If your attitude and expectations are more positive, your brain is likely to produce sufficient amounts of the substances that will boost your body’s healing power.

  Depression Infection

  Feeling depressed lately? Job got you down? You’re not alone. According to a recent International Labor Organization report, “depression, anxiety, stress, or burnout” is increasing, affecting (or maybe infecting) 1 in 10 workers in Finland, Germany, Poland, the United Kingdom, and the United States.

  The study also found that in the United States, the treatment of depression costs between $30 billion and $44 billion annually and results in the loss of approximately 200 million working days each year. This is very sad, not to mention very expensive.

  The main toxin, besides cultural and economic issues, is the development and rapid growth of information technology. With accelerated competition and the need to constantly keep up, the ability to break away and relax has almost evaporated. Personally, I love technology— when it works. When it doesn’t, I start singing “If I Had a Hammer,” the song by Pete Seeger and Lee Hays.

  So, what’s the solution? Get a new hammer? “Bring a dog to work” week? Office massages? Casual attire? But wait, there’s more. How about a Jacuzzi in the break room, a chef to cook meals, and an in-house gym? Actually, these ideas are exactly what companies are considering and implementing for their employees to heal the toxic infections that contaminate offices (well, maybe all except the hammer).

  The reason people bring dogs to offices is that they’re working 75 hours a week and have no time to raise a pet. You’ve probably also heard that pets have been found to be natural stress relievers.

  Personally, I was raised without the dog gene and with the baby boomer work ethic of all work and no play gets you promoted, so I have an aversion to pets running around the office.

  However, as most industries start looking for ways to trim budgets, it is a good idea for leaders to think twice before abruptly doing away with weekly massages and gym passes. These extras might actually be saving the company quite a bit of money.

  Healing your toxic infections is your choice. Every situation-even a negative or poor outcome—can have a silver lining. Learn to blend energy, humor, spirit, and self-confidence, and practice keeping yourself out of depression. This combination is the prescription to make those turkeys more palatable and for a happier you.

  Chapter 16 - Ruffled Feathers

  Ruffle

  To bother or fluster somebody.

  To act as a source of irritation or annoyance.

  Most of us can recall times when people ruffled our feathers, upset us, or ticked us off. But why do some people never get bothered, upset, or bent out of shape? They have learned to apply conflict management skills when events could otherwise make them distressed.

  If a veterinarian sees a bird with ruffled feathers, the vet knows something is wrong and the bird needs care. As human beings, studies now reveal that anger and conflict release a toxic hormone, cortisol, into our systems (see Chapter 15). If this is not managed, you can become seriously ill; you can even die. Read on to learn specific ways to use Toxic People survival skills when conflict is in the roost. There is no reason to feel caged!

  Caged?

  Hello Marsha,

  I met you at a conference and I thoroughly enjoyed your presentation. I am in a predicament of sorts. My office leader is a woman who is in her 60s and is a fast-paced worker. She is not business savvy yet she is good at her job. However, she mumbles and isn’t clear with her instructions.

  When I make a mistake, or am one in the chain of people who have made a mistake, she constantly reminds me of that, even in front of my boss. Having human relations training, I know this practice only serves to cause divisions in the workplace.

  I also need to approach my boss about making necessary changes.

  Under this woman’s leadership, or lack thereo
f, everything is very disorganized and messy. No records of phone calls are kept. Files are scattered. And not everyone in the team knows the status of a project or is aware of issues.

  Communication sucks. I’m working in an office where I need to walk on eggshells. This woman is resistant to change. The lead person is 75 and ready to walk out if things get worse. And we have a new girl who is very smart and savvy, and I fear if we treat her poorly or do not back her up and put her intelligence to use, we will lose her. And I’m afraid that if I push for change I’ll be viewed as a complainer, get set up to fail, be forced into a confrontation, and be fired. It has happened to me before. I can’t keep losing jobs, but I’m sick and tired of working for bosses who don’t care or are incompetent managers.

  I/we need the boss’s support and leadership. Yet, he knows squat about our business and is admittedly hands-off. How should I approach him? How should I ask him to stop this woman’s finger-pointing and negativity? I’m in a position that if she quits then I would have the freedom to organize the office and make everything work like a well-oiled machine. Until that day, though, I feel powerless and frustrated, fearing that a goof-up due to poor training by this woman and a hands-off boss will cost me another job, and possibly a good marriage.

  Another thing is that my wife and I own a little web site design business and we work from home. Our kids will be in school next year, and we’ll have an opportunity to grow our business and go full-time.

  However, we need to triple our workload. And until then, I need this job. The pay is good, and it keeps a roof over our heads. What tools do I need to practice patience and achieve excellence at this position until I can get out of there and apply my energies to my own business? Part of the reason I want to work for my wife and myself is that I’m tired of dealing with Toxic People in the workplace. They have repeatedly ruined a good thing. And yes, I’ve been toxic, too, I admit.