Room for Recovery

by D. J. Jamison

  “Oh.”

  Wade waved over his shoulder. “This is an affirmation board, sort of. Something I started doing in therapy. Giving myself some positive reinforcements to counteract the negative thoughts.”

  “Seems like a good idea.”

  Beau put on a good face, but Wade realized he’d liked the idea of being beautiful in more than spirit. Beau turned, walking over to inspect a few of the books on his shelves, nothing compared to Beau’s horde, but Wade had been reading more lately to pass the hours he most wanted to talk to Beau.

  He cleared his throat. “I didn’t mean to say you’re not beautiful in other ways.”

  Beau didn’t look up from his perusal. “It’s okay. My ego can handle it if you love my spirit more than my body.”

  Wade snorted. “Is that what you got from that?”

  Beau turned a curious look on him, and Wade was exhausted by the dance they were doing. He crossed the room, bringing his hands up to cup Beau’s jaw, and tilted his face up for a kiss. Their lips brushed together tentatively, like two lovers sharing a first kiss. In a way, it was a first kiss. The first kiss in a new start.

  “I do love your spirit,” he murmured. “I could have never faced being gay, coming clean with my family, without you.”

  Beau’s smile was wry. “You mean me getting you outed.”

  “I mean you jolting my heart.”

  Beau withdrew, dropping down onto Wade’s bed. He squirmed his way back to rest against the pillows, then rolled his hand. “Well, go on, this is getting good.”

  Wade looked at Beau making himself comfortable in his bed and wondered how he ever could have thought he was doing okay without him. Maybe the pang of loss had dulled, but only because he’d forgotten. Now that Beau was in front of him again, all his love for this boy tightened his chest, and he couldn’t talk for a minute.

  He sat down at the foot of his bed, placing a hand on Beau’s ankle. He smiled, watching his fingers idly caress the skin between Beau’s jeans and sock, enjoying the feel of his skin.

  “You got past all my walls. You gave me no choice but to confront my sexuality because I wanted you so bad. Your smiles, your friendship.” He glanced up, feeling his cheeks heat. “Your body.”

  He dropped his gaze again. “But it was so much more than that. You made me want to be better for you. To be what you deserved.”

  “Wade—”

  “Just let me say this.”

  Beau lapsed into silence, and Wade drew a breath.

  “I’m still not what you deserve,” Wade said. “I didn’t come to you today because I’m magically healed and ready to come out of the closet.”

  He chanced a look at Beau’s face, worried how his words would be received. Beau didn’t look devastated by the news, so that was good.

  “I don’t want us to be apart anymore. I don’t want you to wait, because I don’t know if I’ll ever really be ‘fixed.’”

  Beau crawled to the foot of the mattress and wrapped his arms around Wade from behind. He’d held Beau this way, but he’d never experienced the reverse.

  Beau rested his chin on Wade’s shoulder and pulled him back until he sagged back into his embrace. “Let me be strong for you this time.”

  Wade shuddered, not understanding how much those words would mean to him but feeling such relief when he heard them.

  “You don’t have to do this alone,” Beau said. “I’m here, I’ve always been here. You don’t have to handle everything on your own.”

  “But I’m still not the best boyfriend option.”

  “You’re the only one for me,” Beau said. “I love you, Wade Ritter. You may not be perfect, but you don’t need to be ‘fixed.’ I don’t need you to come out until you’re ready. I only need you to let me in.”

  Wade shifted, turning his face to catch Beau’s lips in a sweet kiss. “I can do that.”

  “And swear to me you won’t push me away again,” Beau ordered, “because I don’t think my heart can take it.”

  “I swear.”

  They turned, flopping onto their sides on the bed, and kissed again. Wade touched Beau everywhere he could, relearning the feel of his body next to his. At some point, the clothes came off, but Wade couldn’t stop kissing Beau long enough to coordinate blow jobs. He rolled on top of Beau’s slender frame and braced his weight on his arms, letting their skin slip and slide, and he thrust his hips. Beau joined him, and they found a rhythm, a push-and-pull that dragged their cocks and sent electricity racing up and down Wade’s spine.

  Unable to break the kiss even to breathe, they gasped against each other’s mouths, rocking together, until they came in a sweet rush between their bodies.

  Wade rolled to the side, and Beau used him as a pillow, resting his head on Wade’s shoulder and his arm across his ribs as they caught their breath. Wade looked down at him, a naked guy cuddled up against him, willing to accept him flaws and all.

  He loved being naked with Beau. He loved the kissing, the touching, the physical connection. It felt real. And how could real be bad?

  I’m gay, he thought, and it’s okay.

  Chapter 27

  Wade kept to the fringes of the massive graduation blowout at Chester Greeves’ house. The guy’s parents had more money than they knew what to do with, and the place was a goddamned mansion, complete with an in-home theater, gaming room, swimming pool and six — yes, six — bathrooms.

  The party was primarily divided into two large sections: the dance party in the living room and the pool party outside. A few smaller groups were playing pool and Xbox, but Wade found it easier to disappear in the large mass of partiers in the living room.

  He wasn’t much in the mood to celebrate. He was glad to be done with high school, but he couldn’t help thinking about the fact his father wasn’t there to see it happen.

  Sometimes he still got so angry he wanted to hit something. If Byron Ritter was around, Wade would probably strangle him. Was life really so bad that he didn’t care about seeing his own kids grow up? Or was he a selfish bastard who just didn’t care about them?

  Remember what the therapist said. It wasn’t your fault, and it wasn’t about you.

  Still sucked big hairy balls.

  Wade smiled a little to himself. He wouldn’t mind sucking some balls himself. Now that he could admit he was gay. Well, maybe not balls. But dick. Beau’s dick anyway. He could accept that without the self-loathing that used to accompany it.

  A body flopped onto the wall next to him. “Dude, they’re starting up spin the bottle. There might be one or two girls you haven’t bagged.”

  “I’m not that bad,” he said mildly.

  Chad Westley, a senior who’d always annoyed Wade with his derogatory comments about girls, snickered. “Nah man, you were just the envy of every guy in school. Wish I could score like you did.”

  Wade shook his head, disgusted with all the lies. He’d come out to Beau, to his family, even to Shane. But he’d been too chickenshit to come out to the school at large. And here was graduation day, the perfect time to do it.

  Over the months since he reunited with Beau, he’d gradually become more comfortable in his skin as a gay man. He and Beau were an open couple to their family, and each time he held Beau’s hand, cuddled with him on the sofa for a movie night, or kissed him goodnight chipped away at his closet.

  At school, they continued to operate as friends only, and he wasn’t sure what was holding him back from coming out fully. He kept waiting for the right moment. If this wasn’t it, though, what would be?

  Now that he was becoming more comfortable with his sexuality, the closet was claustrophobic. He felt awkward lying to Chad, not that he was anyone important. But Beau was important, too important to keep secret. He’d accepted Wade’s bad moods, his distance on therapy days. He’d been a shoulder to lean on when Wade needed it and a body to lose himself in when he needed an entirely different kind of comfort.

  He wandered closer to check out the idiots playing
a game he’d thought they all left behind with middle school. A grouping of teens sat in a circle with an empty beer bottle in the center.

  A shoulder nudged him, and he looked over to see Shane and Anna, holding hands. Shane leaned in and said quietly, “Beau’s playing that game.”

  “What?” Wade searched the circle until he spotted Beau sitting between two girls. He hated that they were spending their time apart, across the room from each other like strangers instead of side by side like the boyfriends they were. They should be celebrating together, but until Wade came out, Beau felt he had to keep his distance in public. It was past time to change that.

  A grinning blond guy spun the bottle, a guy who looked all too familiar. The bottle spun and spun and then stopped, pointed directly at Beau.

  “Fuck no,” Wade murmured as hoots broke out.

  “Equal opportunity spin the bottle!” a girl shouted.

  “Go Miles!” someone cheered as he got on hands and knees and crawled toward Beau.

  Beau was sitting there talking to a girl beside him, completely oblivious as Miles crawled toward him. Wade watched, dumbstruck, as Miles grabbed Beau around the neck and pulled him into a sloppy kiss.

  Wade swore under his breath, irritated he’d let it come to this. Beau wouldn’t be across the room, playing a stupid game like that, if Wade was here as his boyfriend, rather than his anti-social friend holding up the wall.

  He broke away from Shane and Anna to approach the circle.

  He had plans to come out — but after graduation. Plans to make a life with Beau that went beyond this party and this school year. There were promises to be made and kept. But those promises hadn’t been spoken yet. And maybe he was immature or possessive or selfish, but he couldn’t stand by while Miles mauled Beau’s face.

  Beau pushed Miles away. “Whoa, warn a guy!”

  “The bottle landed on you. That’s how the game works,” Miles grumbled.

  Beau’s gaze flicked around, and Wade sensed that he was searching for him. The moment their eyes met, something inside Wade broke loose and crumbled. He was done pretending to be straight. He was done pretending, period.

  “Beau!” he called, speeding up as he neared him.

  Beau looked wary. “Hey, Wade. Can you believe this stupid game?” he said with a nervous laugh. “I was just sitting here to talk to Carla. I didn’t mean to play.”

  Someone else spun the bottle, and it came perilously close to landing on Beau. Wade crouched down beside him, purposely blocking him off from the game.

  “We need to talk.”

  Beau’s expression grew more guarded. “Why?”

  “There are things to say.”

  “Because of this game? I didn’t mean for that—”

  He bit down on his lip, cutting his words short before he could give away their relationship. Unable to speak freely, his eyes turned pleading, and Wade realized Beau thought he was jealous, or that maybe he wanted to accuse Beau of cheating on him. He felt nothing like that. It was just a game, and he could tell Beau wasn’t into that kiss.

  “It’s okay,” he said.

  Beau looked surprised. “It is?”

  “Well, no. I kind of want to punch Miles in the face,” he admitted.

  “Move, Wade, or join the game,” someone said. “You’re blocking Beau from the bottle.”

  Annoyed, Wade snatched the bottle and pointed it at Beau.

  “Fine, I’ll play,” he said.

  Beau met his gaze, stunned. Wade grabbed his neck and tugged him into a kiss right there. He puffed up with pride when Beau melted against him instead of trying to retreat. Beau didn’t care that they had an audience, grabbing handfuls of Wade’s hair and committing fully to the public display.

  It was possible Beau had also had a beer or two, and he was a lightweight.

  There were gasps and laughs and a few derogatory comments, but mostly this group was cool with flexible sexuality.

  Beau pulled away with a gasp. “What have you done?”

  “What I should have done a long time ago,” he said, grabbing Beau’s hand and holding it tight. He turned to look at the faces of the other graduates watching them, pausing to make eye contact with Miles. “I’m gay, and Beau’s with me.” He turned to Beau uncertainly. “If you still want to be, that is. With me for real, no more closets.”

  Beau smiled beautifully. “Sounds good to me.”

  Wade kissed him again briefly, then stood, tugging Beau up by the hand. “Let’s go celebrate in private.”

  More hoots broke out, and Wade recognized Miles’ voice in the crowing bunch. “I fucking knew it all along. Beau, you liar!”

  Beau laughed, rolling his eyes. He glanced over at Miles and shrugged. “A guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do.”

  They walked out hand in hand. It was almost a clean escape, a happy ending worthy of any good romance. But that wasn’t reality. As they reached the door, it swung open and none other than Jeremy and Billy stepped inside.

  “What the fuck?” Wade said, instinctively pushing Beau behind him. The two boys had been expelled from school, and rumor had it they’d both opted to drop out rather than find another school where they could finish their senior year. Wade was surprised to see them walking free, however. Beau had kept him updated on the case. They’d pleaded guilty to assault to avoid a heftier charge of a hate crime. “Shouldn’t you two be in prison?”

  Billy’s eyes dipped to where Wade still touched Beau’s arm protectively. “Knew you must be a fag too.”

  Shane stepped up beside him, with Anna a step behind. Beau’s two close friends Nate and Ker also crowded in, forming a blockade the two bullies would have trouble crossing.

  “What are you guys doing here?” Shane asked in a neutral tone.

  “They already served their time,” Beau said quietly.

  Ker whipped her head around, her long hair nearly slapping Wade in the face. She looked shocked and furious. “They’re out already?”

  “It was a first offense,” Jeremy said. “Besides, it was a schoolyard fight. We shouldn’t have gotten any jail time at all. It was PC bullshit, accusing us of a hate crime.”

  “Did you or did you not jump Beau for being gay?” Nate challenged.

  “We didn’t jump him at all,” Jeremy replied. “He antagonized us, tried to kiss me, and he got what he deserved.”

  “I wouldn’t kiss you if you were the last guy on earth,” Beau said with disdain. “I might be gay, but neither of you ever appealed to me. Why would you?” He stepped forward, grabbing Wade’s hand and squeezing it. “I have a much better-looking boyfriend.”

  “You little bitch,” Billy said, stepping forward aggressively.

  Beau flinched, and Wade’s hand curled into a fist. He was past ready to punch these guys — he still kicked himself for not beating their asses that first time they cornered Beau — but Shane must have anticipated his reaction. He pushed Billy back into the wall firmly.

  “Back off before you get your ass handed to you.”

  “Fuck you,” Billy said.

  “No, thanks.”

  Jeremy glanced from one person to the next, obviously realizing they were outnumbered. “Whatever. It’s not worth going back to jail.”

  He spun on his heel and walked out the door. Shane eased back to allow Billy to follow.

  The glow of Wade’s coming out and claiming Beau as a boyfriend was tarnished by the reality that Jeremy and Billy had paid so little for their crime. “I can’t believe they’re out of jail already,” he said.

  Much grumbling ensued as their friends wholeheartedly agreed. Beau was the quietest party, and the one they’d wronged.

  “You okay?” Wade asked him.

  Beau sighed and leaned his head on Wade’s shoulder. “Yeah. They got expelled, and they did some jail time. I was able to finish school without harassment. It’s enough.”

  “It’s not enough.”

  Beau pulled away and looked him in the eye. “I don’t want
to give them any more power over my life,” he said firmly, “and I don’t want you to get in trouble for starting a fight with them. It is enough. For me.”

  Wade relented, though he felt unsatisfied. Judging by their attitude, they hadn’t learned a lesson that would lead to change. He hoped they didn’t bash someone else with potentially worse consequences, but Beau was right. He’d only get himself in trouble if he took matters into his own hands.

  “Okay,” he said. “You want to move on. I get it.”

  “Good. Let’s not let them ruin the night,” Beau added. “Still up for a private celebration?”

  “Always,” he said. “Let’s go for a drive and watch the sun rise.”

  ***

  They drove to what had become their “spot” in the woods that ran near Beau’s house. They found a turnoff that faced east and kissed until their lips felt bruised. They were both done with twisting themselves into pretzel shapes for car sex now that they weren’t hiding their relationship from their family. It was a little awkward, but they spent a lot of nights together in Wade’s bedroom since his mother was much more comfortable with their relationship than Twyla would ever be.

  Beau hoped his mom would come around when she saw that Wade wasn’t going anywhere. But only time would tell.

  They nestled together in the back seat of the car, talking until morning, making plans for how they could move their relationship forward without the need for secrecy.

  Beau would be commuting to Wichita, just 45 minutes away, for school. He could get a two-year nursing degree in Ashe, but Xavier had encouraged him to at least pursue the four-year LPN certification he could get at Wichita State, which would allow his career to go further. If he changed his mind about medical school, Wichita State credits would also transfer for pre-med, and he knew his family was still hoping he might have a change of heart.

  He was pretty certain he wouldn’t, but he decided to humor them by at least enrolling at WSU.