The Silent Daughter

by Kirsty Ferguson

  She kept her eyes firmly on the road in front of her, trying not to think about her dead son. Danni’s mind wandered while she drove, the weak sun blinding her, bouncing off the recently rained on road, throwing startling shapes into her eyes. She pulled down the visor to cut some of the glare and wished she had some sunglasses. She risked a quick glance at her eldest child, only child, who was staring out of the side window so Danni couldn’t see her expression, but her hands were clenched into tight fists in her lap. She was dreading this trip as much as Danni was.

  Danni pulled up in the car park then realised that she had no idea where her family were buried.

  ‘Mum, I can’t. Take me back, please. Please,’ Mia pleaded.

  ‘But we’re already here, love. All we have to do is find their graves.’

  ‘I can’t. You don’t know what it’s like, being the only one. You think you do but you don’t. Take me back,’ Mia demanded, tears behind her raw emotions.

  ‘Mia, please, we need to do this for both of our sakes. We’ll be together.’

  ‘I don’t want to go!’ screamed Mia, her voice crashing around the car, stunning Danni into silence for a long moment. ‘Don’t you get it? I don’t want to see them! To be reminded that I’m alive and they’re not.’

  ‘Okay, I’ll take you back, but sooner or later, we’re doing this, understood?’ she said in a firm voice.

  Mia ignored her, looking back at the window at the rows and rows of head stones, some crumbling, some new.

  I’m sorry, she whispered to her family. I’ll come back when I can.

  She felt the pull of the dead and the pull of the living. Making up her mind, she fishtailed the car out of the gravel parking lot in an effort to get Mia back to the motel as fast as she could. She chose the living.

  They arrived back at the motel about fifteen minutes later. As they walked into the room, Danni put her hand on Mia’s shoulder. ‘I’m sorry I forced you to go. I shouldn’t have. I guess I just wanted you to deal with your pain.’

  Mia walked off and sat down on the bed facing the wall. Danni had lost her yet again. How could she have been so stupid? Mia’s shoulders hitched as she silently cried. Danni, heart breaking, sat beside her, but didn’t touch her.

  ‘I loved them, Mum. But I just left them. I let them burn. How am I ever supposed to forgive myself?’

  ‘What happened wasn’t your fault, sweetheart. It may not have been an accident, but it wasn’t your fault.’

  Mia stopped crying abruptly, turned and stared at her mother. ‘What do you mean it wasn’t an accident? Wasn’t it faulty wiring or something?’

  Danni didn’t know if she should tell her, but she didn’t want there to be any secrets between them any more.

  ‘Um, I’ve been informed by the insurers that the… fire wasn’t an accident. It was… deliberately lit and they used an accelerant to make it burn faster.’ She looked at Mia, tears shimmering in her eyes.

  ‘I don’t understand. Someone wanted to kill us? Who would want to do that?’ She was deathly pale, her dark eyes like empty sockets in her wan face.

  Danni went to put her arms around her to quieten her down, but Mia was having none of it, pushing her away. ‘What the fuck, Mum?’

  ‘Language,’ Danni retorted without thinking. She sat there in stunned silence, Mia looking at her, before they both burst into laughter. Suddenly Mia clamped her hand over her mouth, cutting off her laughter, then burst into tears. This time, when Danni went to hug her, Mia let her.

  Danni didn’t know how long they sat locked in each other’s embrace, she seemed to lose track of time again, but she knew it was nice, Mia hadn’t let her hold her like that since the night of the fire. Not with any real feeling, anyway. Was this bonding the beginning of the road of forgiveness for Danni? With all her heart, she hoped so.

  Now that Mia knew about the arson and the attempt on her life, Danni didn’t know if Mia would fall back into her own world or not. But Mia stayed with her long enough to eat a sandwich and have a drink of water before she went to lay down.

  Danni had a sudden flash of memory, sitting on a leather couch in what she knew was a waiting room, but she could remember nothing more about it. Perhaps she should seek some help for Mia down the track when she convinced the insurance company to change their minds. Someone had deliberately lit the fire. She believed now that it wasn’t Oliver. Then she had a thought: what if it was Beth? Did Beth hate her enough to murder her children? She dismissed the thought almost as soon as it crossed her mind. She wouldn’t risk hurting Joe, her satisfaction was in taking Joe away from her, her future was tied to Joe. No, Joe was her golden ticket. Beth wanted him for herself and their son. Danni stiffened with anger at the thought of Joe having a love child, with Beth no less.

  Danni wondered how many times he had come from Beth’s bed then laid next to her. It made her shudder. How many times had he lied to her? The ‘extra’ hours at work that yielded no money, the late nights with ‘friends’, had all that time been spent with his mistress? She felt sick, her stomach churning. She looked over at Mia; what a burden for a young girl to keep. How dare Joe have expected her to keep his dirty little secrets.

  38

  It was the last thing Danni wanted to do. Her mouth was dry, like she’d put cotton wool in there, her teeth clenched in nervousness making her jaw ache. Danni knew that she needed to get this done, to underline it once and for all. After today, she would plan her next move. It was like she had been in freefall since the fire, and, if she was honest with herself, before the fire. She hadn’t been right in ages; she could acknowledge this now that Joe was gone. Pulling her bag closer, she found the scrap of paper with a phone number on it.

  Mia was, as usual, on the bed, facing away from her, but she wasn’t asleep. After spending so much time in a small space observing her daughter, she knew when she was awake and when she wasn’t. ‘Mia?’ No response. ‘Mia, honey, I have to duck out for a bit, I’ll be back soon.’ Danni knew Mia had heard her mother, but she still felt conflicted about leaving. But no, this had to be done.

  Danni gently closed the door behind her and half walked, half ran to the car. Once inside, hands shaking, she dialled the number, not knowing what to expect. Each ring was like a stab to the heart.

  ‘It’s me,’ she said when the line connected. ‘I need to talk to you.’

  ‘Have you got my money?’

  ‘I need to meet with you.’

  ‘Fine,’ snarled Beth, and Danni remembered all the things she hated about her sister. ‘The same café as last time, half an hour.’

  Danni responded to the words and the tone of voice and felt herself slipping away from the conversation. ‘I’ll see you soon,’ she said before hanging up. After sitting in the car, deep breathing for a few moments, she started the engine. As Danni drove to the café, she wondered why her sister hated her so much. Why she’d tortured her as a child. She never did understand and she was sure as shit never going to get any answers from Beth.

  Arriving at the café, Beth wasn’t there yet, so Danni chose a booth and waited. Why had Beth paid for a motel room and given her a car? Danni instinctively knew that it would be a case of ‘a means to an end’ with her. She just wanted the insurance money as soon as she found out that Joe was dead. Did she mourn him, she wondered? Did she lose sleep over his death? Seemed like she was quick enough to want to profit from it.

  Danni ordered a coffee from the older waitress and, when it came, she absently shook two packets of sugar then poured them in, watching the patterns the granules made as they fell deep into the coffee cup. Finally, she stirred it, mesmerised by the swirling patterns her spoon made.

  Beth slid into the opposite side of the booth without warning, startling Danni. Danni looked at her sister, really looked at her. She was wearing tight jeans, a skin-tight white top that Danni would never had dared to wear on the farm, long, blush-coloured fingernails and red lipstick over a well made-up face. She was getting old, only just hold
ing onto her looks. It looked like she was going out, not catching up for coffee and demanding insurance money from her estranged sister. Is that what she always looked like? Is this one of the reasons that Joe fell in love with her? Beth made an effort with her appearance? Was that what he wanted? Her mind flitted back to the open laptop. Did Beth do those kinds of things for him? Immediately Danni wanted to be sick, but would not back down to Beth, not now. She was a grown woman; she had come to finish things and she would.

  Beth rapped her polished nails on the table, the sound grating on Danni’s nerves. It was a habit that Beth had had since she was a teenager. ‘Where’s my money?’ she asked without preamble.

  ‘Want a cup of coffee, Beth?’ Danni asked politely.

  ‘No. I want my fucking money.’ Rage behind the hissed words. ‘Now.’

  ‘Well that’s a pity,’ Danni said sweetly, ‘because there is no fucking money.’

  ‘What? What do you mean?’

  ‘The insurance company told me that the results of the police investigation and their investigation reached the same conclusion: the fire was due to arson and they’re not going to pay out on the claim.’

  ‘What?’ Beth said again. She seemed confused, then again, her plans had just been blown out of the water.

  ‘Yeah. It’s made me wonder if we were randomly targeted or if it was someone with a grudge.’ She looked pointedly at her sister.

  ‘Please. If I wanted to kill you, you would have been dead years ago.’

  ‘And Joe?’

  ‘What about Joe?’ Her eyes narrowed. She didn’t like the insinuation.

  ‘He hadn’t left me yet, maybe you got sick of waiting.’

  Beth laughed. ‘You think I set fire to your dump of a place? Damn thing looked like a fire hazard anyway, not surprised it burnt down.’

  ‘Now how would you know?’ Danni demanded.

  ‘Lumpy bed, too. Really bad for your back, Danni,’ Beth said, watching her reaction.

  ‘You were in my house? In my bed?’

  ‘Once or twice. That piss you off?’

  Danni breathed in then let it go. ‘The only thing pissing me off is you. I don’t have any money coming, so there’s no reason for us to speak again.’

  ‘I want money from Joe. He owes me that. I have a child to look after.’

  ‘Well, so do I.’

  Beth stared at her for a long moment, her eyes unreadable before saying in a low voice, ‘This isn’t the last you’ve seen of me.’

  Danni paid for her coffee and hopped into the car. Would she ever be shot of Beth, or would she haunt Danni into the grave? She drove back to the motel on autopilot, turning where she was supposed to, no idea if she was driving at the speed limit or not. It was like she wasn’t in control of her own body.

  Mia was just coming out of the bathroom when she walked in. ‘Sorry, sweetheart, I didn’t want to leave you, but something came up that I had to deal with. Hopefully it’s all taken care of now. You feeling okay, honey?’

  For a moment, she thought it was going to be the same as every other question, every other day. ‘Yeah,’ Mia said.

  Danni crossed the distance between them and folded Mia into her arms, trying not to hold her too tight. ‘I’m glad you’re coming back to me, love. I know you’ve had a traumatic time of things and I wish I could make it better for you. I will do my best to help you as much as I can.’ She pulled back and looked into Mia’s dull eyes. ‘I promise.’ Mia didn’t say anything, just moved back to the bed and lay down.

  Her phone vibrated in her bag, so she grabbed it and answered it without thinking.

  ‘Remember Donovan?’ said the voice on the other end, soft yet vicious, barbed wire wrapped in velvet.

  ‘What?’ she said.

  ‘Donovan? Ring any bells?’ Beth snapped.

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ Danni had a vague recollection of a party, the bass thumping, giving her a headache, her sister, a dark room. That was it and she had a feeling that that was all she wanted to know. She didn’t know who this Donovan was.

  ‘I’ll keep your secret, as long as I get my money. I guess the farm was worth around five hundred, so I want my two-fifty, and soon. Joe’s life insurance. You’ll be getting a pay out from that even if the house insurance won’t pay out. I want my share. Understood?’

  ‘Beth, I barely have enough to make ends meet as it is, and you want me to give you money that I don’t have.’

  ‘Joe promised to take care of me,’ she snapped.

  ‘Yeah? He promised to do a lot of things. Like to not fuck my sister. But he wasn’t exactly the dependable type, oh, and he’s dead, so you won’t be getting a cent out of his widow, so fuck you.’ Danni hung up the phone, breathing hard. She knew she had probably just started another war with Beth, the first in a decade and a half, but any money she had or received was to go to her and Mia. Mia needed stability. Her daughter needed her own, safe place. Danni put in a long call to the insurance agency to plead her case but was transferred around so many times that she eventually hung up. She had told several of the insurance people what had happened but none of them seemed sympathetic to her plight.

  Putting the phone down, Danni hung her head in her hands and resisted the urge to cry. She would stay strong. She would work something out, somehow. She had enough money to stay in the motel a while longer, but not enough to rent a house and pay bond. She could go back to her job, but what would she do with Mia? She needed someone to watch her. Every idea she came up with came with its own set of problems.

  A slight pressure on her shoulder made her jump. She looked up to see Mia standing in front of her.

  ‘We’ll be okay, Mum. You’ll work it out.’

  At the sound of Mia talking, tears ran down Danni’s face. ‘Oh, Mia, stay with me this time, beautiful. Don’t slip away like a dream, stay.’ Mia went to the bathroom and washed her hands, running them over her dirty and matted hair. Danni had tried brushing it for her but she wouldn’t take a helping hand when it was offered to her. She was like Danni sometimes, too stubborn for her own good.

  Mia’s show of love lifted her up, made her want to get through this whole mess with as little pain as possible.

  The phone rang again. Danni didn’t want to answer it, but the buzzing in her hand wouldn’t stop and it was driving her crazy, like a bee caught in her fist. It made her want to throw the phone but then she remembered that it could be the insurance agency. It was a no caller ID number. Danni picked it up.

  ‘Don’t you dare talk to me like that, you little bitch!’ screamed her sister. She wasn’t calling from her mobile, maybe her house phone, a blocked number?

  ‘I have nothing to say to you,’ hissed Danni, stepping outside the front door, closing it gently behind her.

  ‘Oh, yes you do. If you want me to keep quiet about a certain young man, then you’ll find the two hundred and fifty thousand Joe owes me.’

  ‘I don’t even know what you’re talking about, Beth.’

  ‘I still have the knife you used on him, your fingerprints, his blood,’ Beth said quietly. There was silence on Danni’s end as she tried to remember what the hell her sister was talking about. ‘Jesus, you really don’t remember, do you? Well, let me enlighten you. You stabbed a man almost to his death, then dragged him up to the back shed, and you set him on fire, Danni. He died. You did that.’

  Danni drew a shocked breath. ‘I don’t understand. I could never do a thing like that. You’re wrong,’ she said desperately.

  ‘All it takes is for me to anonymously send the knife to the police and you’re fucking done for. No way out for you. It’s still an open homicide, they never charged anyone for his murder, obviously, or you’d be in jail.’

  Danni was speechless. There’s no way she did that. No way. She decided to bluff. ‘Go ahead, then. Send what you think you have on me, but you’ll never get any of my money.’ Danni pushed her hair out of her face, picked up and tossed around by the wind, tucking
it back behind her ear. Of course, she didn’t have any money either and had no chance of getting any, but it bought her time to come up with a plan.

  Run.

  The word just slid into her mind. It wasn’t the worst idea. She could trade in the bomb of a car for another bomb, take Mia and what money they had and just leave. Drive until Danni felt they were far enough away from Beth’s reach and hide there. There were worse plans, like stay in town and be arrested for something she believed she didn’t do and leave Mia all alone in the world. She’d go into the foster system, just like Danni had. Her mind went back to Michelle, her foster mum. She was a lovely woman, and Danni wondered what became of her and her husband. What happened to creepy Andrew? She didn’t think people like that just changed overnight. You were who you were. Andrew would be a man now, and although she didn’t really care what he was or who he was, something niggled at her, a memory she couldn’t quite capture. Easing herself back into the room, she pondered her next move. Yes, she thought it best that they run, and soon. She could only hold Beth off for so long.

  She looked over at her daughter’s form. Mia rolled over, Danni still looking at her.

  ‘Who was that on the phone?’ Mia asked quietly.

  ‘No one for you to be concerned about, love. Have a little rest.’ Beth had mentioned life insurance, which they had let lapse… a year ago. Since Danni had got a job, they had planned to reinstate it, but, like everything else, it was added to the to-do list but hadn’t managed to get done. Danni sighed, wiping her hand over her face. She was utterly exhausted. She’d barely had any sleep since the night of the fire, maybe averaging three hours a night. She had nightmares about her burning children when she did sleep. She had barely any money and a vulture of a sister threatening her with arrest and prison. Not to mention, an almost comatose daughter who desperately needed psychological help, help that she couldn’t afford just yet. Fuck, life was hard right now. She’d give anything to have someone to share the load with. Her mind went to her husband, his cheating really shouldn’t have bothered her, as in the end, she was planning on leaving him anyway. She still didn’t know for sure what had gone on with him and Mia. Was it just him trying to get her to keep her secret, or was it more sinister? She thought back to the website, and the girl who was barely older than Mia. Shaking her head, she cleared her mind. Joe was gone, dead, he couldn’t hurt Mia any more. She had to focus on the future, but it was hard when Beth kept dragging her back down the path of the past.