Come to Me Quietly (Closer to You)

by Jackson, A. L.

  But still she managed to smile.

  A soft hand came to my face and moved down to cup my neck. “Shh,” Aly whispered. “Wake up, Jared. You’re shaking. It’s okay. I’m here. It’s okay.”

  My eyes flew open to meet the pitch-black darkness of Aly’s room. Sweat drenched my body, and ragged breaths rasped from my lungs.

  Aly pulled me closer and placed a kiss just below my ear. “It’s okay.”

  I crushed her to my chest, my frantic heart pounding against hers. It wasn’t fucking okay. It never would be. But just for a little while, I wanted to pretend it was.

  We lay together, curled up as one, and I fell asleep again and slept like I hadn’t for so, so long.

  Faint light seeped through the window, and I awoke to find Aly sleeping in my arms. Her hair was spread all around us, the length spilling out behind her and a few wayward pieces crawling across my chest. I pressed my nose to her hair and breathed her in. One of her arms was draped across my chest, her flawless skin a striking contrast against the colors marring mine.

  The pure and the impure.

  Guilt seeped all the way to my bones.

  I kissed her head and untangled myself from her hold. Pausing at her door, I listened to the silence on the other side, before I slipped out into the main room. Christopher’s door was closed. Who knew what time he’d come in last night? I sure hadn’t heard him.

  Guess I’d been otherwise occupied.

  I flopped onto the couch. A tangle of emotions surged through me. Mainly it was guilt, but simmering beneath that was something that felt… good.

  Really good.

  I resisted a smile when I thought of Aly falling asleep in my arms. I itched to return to her, to climb into the warmth of her bed and her spirit, to sink in and never let go.

  Instead I grabbed my notebook and a pack of cigarettes and headed out the sliding door to the balcony. Morning threatened at the horizon and I slid to the concrete floor. Lighting a cigarette, I took a drag and drew it deep into my lungs, then released it toward the sky.

  Shaking my head, I pulled my notebook onto my lap. I thumbed through to the back. The pages were thick, tattered, words scribbled and bleeding together in savage chaos.

  Except for the few pages where she lived, where in my words she was more than just a fantasy and I had brought her to life. I turned to them and lost myself there.

  Two hours later I sat on the couch beside Christopher. He was playing one of the video games we used to play years before. He’d staggered from his room about thirty minutes ago, looking about as disheveled as I felt. It was early, and I had no idea why he was up since the guy tended to sleep half the day away. He’d grunted a “good morning” as he slumped to the couch and flipped on the TV in the same motion.

  After what went down last night, shame was twitching my fingers. I did my best to act normal, but that kind of deception was hard to manage because what happened between Aly and me was anything but normal.

  Even if it felt so right.

  I rubbed a nervous hand across my tense jaw, listening as the shower in Aly’s bathroom sprang to life.

  God, the girl was dangerous. A minute ago she had quietly slipped across the hall from her bedroom to the bathroom, shooting me a shy smile as she passed. Crimson colored her face with a ridiculous blush, and her hair was all a mess because my fingers had been tangled in it all night. She wore the same tank and shorts that had been discarded on her floor.

  My knee bounced because I was thinking about Aly peeling them from her body before she climbed under the hot sheets of water in the shower.

  Closing my eyes, I fought for restraint.

  It was Saturday, which meant no work for me, and I had no idea what I was going to do with my sorry ass all day. Aly had to work. How pathetic was it that I didn’t want her to go?

  The shower shut off, and a few minutes later Aly emerged from the bathroom wrapped in a towel. She rushed to her room and clicked the door shut behind her.

  I shot off the couch and sought the isolation of the bathroom. I didn’t think I could handle sitting by Christopher any longer, hanging on to this secret that felt like a million tons on my shoulders. So much of me wanted to shout it, to scream out that I had touched beauty, that for a few minutes I had felt more than the nothingness that was my life. Years of isolation did that to a person, and when emotions were freed, it was hard to keep them contained.

  But instinctively I knew to keep my mouth shut.

  When I left, I wouldn’t leave Aly ashamed, couldn’t bear to shed light on the sickness I was tainting her with. This would be our secret, our fantasy, and for just a little while, I was giving in to it.

  Steam filled the small space, and the mirror was coated, hiding me in the misty haze. I swept my hand across the surface and looked at my reflection in the foggy mirror.

  Hate spun through my insides and throbbed down my limbs.

  What the hell did she see?

  When I heard her bedroom door open, I quickly opened the bathroom door, wanting to catch a glimpse of her before she left for the day. Feigning apathy, I slowed when I stepped out into the hall.

  She stood at the bar, gathering her things.

  “Have to work today, huh?” I asked. As if I didn’t already know.

  She dropped her face, looking all shy and innocent and perfect, and then shoved her wallet into her purse. “Yeah. I’m just working the short lunch shift, though, so I’ll be off a little after one.” Gathering up the mass of dark hair from her neck, Aly twisted it into a ponytail. “It shouldn’t be too bad,” she said.

  She glanced up at me with awareness in her eyes, as if she knew exactly what I was thinking, that I couldn’t stand to watch her leave. She knew I was going to be counting the hours before she returned and she even knew how much I absolutely hated the fact that I would be. The thing that twisted me all up was Aly looking as if she felt the same, like she was dying to bury those fingers in my skin.

  I fisted my hand. It took everything I had not to push her up against the wall and kiss her senseless.

  Considering Christopher was sitting on the couch playing video games, I figured that was a really fucking bad idea. I sat back and played it cool.

  “I guess I’ll see you later,” Aly said as she heaved her ridiculously huge purse onto her shoulder.

  I barely lifted my chin, blithe and indifferent. “Sure… drive safe.”

  She turned away, stole a glance back at me, then turned to leave. “See you after work, Christopher.”

  Furiously he thumbed at his controller. “Bye,” he said as if he couldn’t be disturbed long enough to notice she was there.

  Aly walked away, her dark ponytail swishing along her back. She opened the door and bright sunlight burst around her frame as she stepped out into the day.

  I inched forward to the end of the hall. I realized I was standing there like an idiot, watching the space she’d just taken up as she snapped the door shut behind her.

  Shit.

  “You better watch yourself, man.” The warning dripped low and slow through Christopher’s lips, hardness coiled tightly in the words.

  Taken aback, I blinked hard and turned my attention to where he sat with his focus trained entirely on the TV. I swallowed down the pool of saliva that gathered at the back of my throat. “What are you talking about?”

  Incredulous laughter seeped from Christopher, and he slowly shook his head in disbelief. “You think I haven’t noticed the way you’ve been looking at my little sister?” He cut his eyes to me, scrutinizing me in clear disgust, before he tore them back to the TV. “I wasn’t joking when I said her room was off-limits. I just didn’t think I’d have to spell it out for you.”

  I tried to rein in the panic that jackhammered in my brain. Guilt hit me hard, but not hard enough to keep me away from Aly. My body still burned with the residue of her touch. Nothing would stop me from going back for more.

  Just a little more.

  I shook my head an
d forced a frown that could only speak of my own distaste. “We’re just friends, Christopher. We’ve always been. You know that.” The words pushed out with the force of my faked revulsion, blended with the solemn oath. “She’s like a sister to me.” My tongue burned with the lie, and this time the guilt was consuming.

  I was just going to stand here and lie straight-faced to my best friend?

  He will hate me before I’m gone.

  He turned to face me fully, his green eyes probing.

  In discomfort, I fidgeted.

  Then he slowly nodded. “Sorry, man… I just… we already talked about Aly being different than the rest of these girls. I can’t stand the thought of someone fucking with her.”

  My exhale came heavy. “I know that.” She was perfect. I hated the thought of someone fucking with her, too. Especially if it was me.

  FIFTEEN

  Aleena

  Joy reverberated through my being.

  Intense, consuming joy. It was the kind of joy fraught with apprehension and stifling doubt. I wasn’t sure Jared came close to understanding what last night had meant to me, how his touch had become my truth.

  Never before had I allowed anyone to touch me that way.

  Either physically or emotionally.

  Megan was right. I just hadn’t been able to fully see it. Every relationship I’d had, one way or another, I’d subconsciously sabotaged. I’d held myself just out of reach, staved off every advance, rejected every wandering hand. Maybe somewhere inside me I’d been saving myself for him because part of me had always believed that one day he would return.

  Or maybe it was just that I had been waiting for someone who could possibly make me feel the way he had made me feel. Someone who could fill up the space Jared had left when he was so brutally torn from my life. Someone I cared enough about that it would cover up the sadness I felt for Jared, the ache that seemed to never dissipate. But there had never been anyone like that because it turned out it had been Jared all along. There was no one else who fit.

  And it was shocking just how ready I was to give myself to him.

  For him to take me.

  I’d come so close to losing him again. I’d sensed his intentions the moment I found him sitting alone in my darkened room, and I knew it was all or nothing. And I wanted it all. Kissing him at the party had rocked my foundation. Last night had shattered it. I would never be the same.

  Affection expanded in that place deep inside where I’d kept him hidden all these years. I no longer wanted to hide it, even though I knew that was exactly what I had to do. Jared was… volatile… irrational… ashamed. Not of me, but of himself. I knew there wasn’t a chance he could see himself the way I saw him. Would I ever be able to convince him he was wrong? I saw it there, dimming the light in his eyes, the idea that what he felt for me was somehow undeserved, impure, something disgraceful, bred for shame.

  He couldn’t even admit what he felt was real. But I could feel it. I felt it in every brush of his hand. I found it in the words he’d once again left for me, words he didn’t have the strength to say. They were written on the same type of worn paper that he had left before.

  A still heart quickens as beauty graces the foul.

  Last night I’d burned to tell him, to open my mouth and expose it all. To tell him he was the reason I remained untouched because he’d already touched me in a way that bonded him to me. Intuition held me back, warning me that I’d already pushed him just about as far as he could go.

  No longer was I that delusional little girl. I couldn’t fix him, and I knew I could never erase his pain. Honestly, I didn’t want to. Trying to would only minimize what he’d suffered. But maybe one day he could let go of some of the guilt. If he could be freed of the blame, he could begin to heal.

  I wanted to be a part of that. Even if my only purpose was to give him a flicker of hope.

  Work turned out to be just the distraction I needed. The lunch rush had the diner packed with customers, and my hands stayed busy with menial tasks while my mind stayed close to Jared. But I itched to be back in his arms.

  Still I found myself driving to my parents’ house after I finished my shift. I wasn’t quite sure what it was, but I felt like I needed to get my feet back on solid ground, to be granted a sense of certainty, before I offered myself back up to uncertainty.

  I knocked once before I opened the door. “Mom?” I called. There was no answer, and I walked through the silent house. “Dad?”

  Out the sliding glass door, I caught a glimpse of them. They were curled up together on one of those two-person loungers by the pool. For a second, I remained still, watching. Wearing bathing suits and sunglasses, they had their faces turned to the blistering summer sky. Dad sat up higher, his arm draped casually around the top of Mom’s head, his fingers mindlessly toying with her hair.

  They’d always been natural together. Comfortable. Even when they fought.

  I shook my head and slid open the door.

  Mom jumped and shot up in the lounger. Her hand went to cover her heart. “Oh my God, Aly, you scared me.”

  “I always scare you, Mom.” I laughed as I stepped into the backyard. “You just jumped, like, ten feet in the air.” No surprise there.

  Dad chuckled and tugged at her hair. “See? Even Aly knows what a twitchy little thing you are.”

  Mom playfully swatted him across the chest. “I’m not jumpy. I’m vigilant. There’s a big difference.”

  Dad pushed himself up to a sitting position. He lifted his sunglasses from his eyes and ran his hand over his face, then turned to me. “So, how are you, sweetheart?”

  “Good… really good. How have you been?”

  “Oh, you know, just the same,” he answered absently, never one to call much attention to himself.

  I loved my dad. He was the kind who was fiercely protective, one who would willingly stand in front of a moving train if it meant he could spare someone he cared about even an ounce of suffering.

  It also meant he would never understand about Jared.

  Black and white. Good and bad. Even after everything Jared had gone through, Dad still could only see Jared as a punk kid who had taken his family further down in the midst of all their hurt, rather than realizing he was just a boy who couldn’t find his way out of the pain. A week before Jared had been sent away, Dad had actually forbidden Christopher to ever see Jared again. But it wasn’t as if Jared had been trying to hang out with Christopher. At that time, he was already gone, mentally, emotionally. Just… gone.

  No question, Dad would see Jared as a threat now. One to his family. One to me.

  “So, what are you doing here?” Mom maneuvered off the lounger and pranced across the hot concrete in her bare feet. She hugged me close, then held me by the upper arms and leaned back to take me in. She squeezed in emphasis. “It feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

  “Well, that’s why I’m here,” I said dryly, shooting her a small smirk promising I was just playing around, affection shining in my eyes. I’d missed her, too.

  She grinned, then softened as she touched my chin, asked quietly, “How’s my baby girl?”

  “I’m good.”

  Mom smiled and softly inclined her head. “Come on, let’s get something to drink.” She slid the door open. “Do you want anything, Dave?” she called behind her.

  “No… I’m fine.” Dad lay back on the lounger, folding his hands over his chest.

  I ran across to him and kissed him on the cheek. “Love you, Dad.”

  “Love you, too, sweetheart.”

  I skipped back across the yard and into the house. Inside, Mom was pouring two glasses of iced tea. She handed me one.

  “Thank you.”

  She sipped at her tea, eyeing me over her glass. I prepared for the inquisition.

  “So you just popped by, huh? After I haven’t seen you in more than a month and after you never called so we could have a shopping day? I think something’s up… and judging by that smile
that keeps creeping to your mouth, I’d guess it’s a boy.” The last she sang as she wiggled her shoulders.

  As hard as I tried to hold it in, I let go of a small, self-conscious giggle and felt the flush the second it lit my cheeks. Even though what Jared and I had shared last night had been incredibly intense, that he’d left this heaviness weighing down the deepest recesses of my heart, there was another piece of me that felt light.

  Like maybe I’d just experienced my first kiss.

  Mom’s eyes widened. I’d never talked boys with her because there’d never been anything to say. None of them had mattered except for the one I’d kept from her. But Mom was all about girl talk. I remembered her and Helene staying up until all hours of the night, sharing a bottle of wine while they just talked and laughed, lost themselves in their secrets and dreams. I wondered now how much she missed those days.