Moments of Julian

by Keary Taylor

  Why have I been pushing perfection away when it is standing right in front of me?

  I wrap my arms around his neck and let my eyes slide closed as I lean into him.

  “Sage McCain!” someone squeals and moment number seven is shattered.

  I am rushed by a group of three girls in addition to Becky. Clarissa, Lindsey, and Anna envelop me into a crushing, puffy dress hug.

  Here we all are. Our group from the hellish days of high school.

  “Come on!” Clarissa says, taking my hand and pulling me toward the gym. “Everyone here is filling out these questionnaires and they’re going to be doing awards in thirty minutes. Ashton’s got a yearbook with the senior predictions and they’ll be reading them off then too.”

  I have no choice but to be dragged into the gym.

  There’s a table right inside with questions and a box of pens right next to it. Everywhere is decked out in green and white decorations and through the crowd I even see a falcon costume darting between people. I have little doubt it is still Gage Nester inside. An amazing gymnast who took his job as school mascot very seriously. And everyone actually thought he was cool. He got the crowd into every event he attended with his backflips, splits, and general dare-devilry.

  “Please fill out one of the forms and turn it into me when you are done,” the girl at the table says. I don’t recognize her, which isn’t a surprise considering there were over four hundred people in our graduating class.

  I grab a sheet and a pen and turn to find Julian waiting behind me. I give a smile and shake my head as we walk toward the back wall. “This is ridiculous,” I say as I scan the sheet. “If I had known Becky was going to drag me to a reunion, I never would have come.”

  “I don’t blame you,” Julian says as he observes the crowd. “I avoided phone calls from members of my graduating class the year of my ten like the plague.”

  “So you didn’t make the trip back to New Mexico then?”

  “No way,” he says with a shake of his head. He has a haunted look on his face but not in a serious way.

  “Okay,” I say, turning back to the page. “What do these people want to know about me these days?”

  “How about you let me fill it out?” Julian says, taking the paper and pen. “It’ll be more entertaining that way.”

  I chuckle and lean against the cool brick wall. “Fine.”

  “Name: Sage McCain,” he scrawls down, lying the paper flat against the wall and trying to write legibly. “Relationship status. Uh,” he taps the pen against his bottom lip for a moment. “Hopefully to be determined after tonight.”

  Now I’m actually feeling bad.

  “Question two: If married, did you marry someone from Woodinville High School? I’m really hoping this is not applicable,” he says, looking over at me with mock doubt in his eyes. “I mean, I never actually asked if you were married.”

  “And if I was?” I ask, raising an eyebrow at him. “What would you do then?”

  “Cry for the rest of eternity,” he says casually as he checks N/A. “Question three: Level of education obtained. I know you’re a Husky. Four year program?”

  I nod with a smile. “What about you? I never asked.”

  “Two years at New Mexico State. I got bored and dropped out.”

  “Oh,” I say with a chuckle. I never would have guessed. Julian is intelligent, sophisticated. Not who I normally think of as a college drop out.

  “Okay. Next question: Career. Very important client ass kisser.”

  “Julian!” I gape, reaching for the pen.

  “Kidding! Kidding!” he says, holding it out of my reach. “I put next CEO of Digit Securities.”

  I glower at him, but it does make me smile.

  “Next: Do you think you’re the richest person in our class? Care to share how much you make? Wow, these are digging questions.”

  “No kidding,” I say, feeling disgusted. I am proud of my money, but in general I like to keep it to myself.

  “But seriously, do you think anyone in this room makes more than you?” Julian says. The way he says it isn’t in a demeaning way. There’s pride in his voice, respect.

  I scan the room. There are the jocks that don’t look like they’ve amounted to more than gaining a beer belly. There’s the stepford wife looking cheerleaders. There’s the nerds and the drama divas.

  I am extremely judgmental, but when the shoe fits…

  “Your silence confirms your doubt,” Julian says, a small smile cocking on his lips.

  “Next question,” I say, shaking my head.

  “How does your life compare now, with what you saw for your future ten years ago?” Julian reads the question and then looks up at me expectantly.

  My throat closes up for a second and I try to swallow but can’t. That cold sweat has refreshed on my hands.

  “It’s a hell of a lot better now than it was then.”

  Julian’s expression darkens and I see a similar look cross his eyes that I’ve seen in my brothers. Protective anger.

  His fingers crumple around the paper and he tosses it into a trash can.

  “How about a drink?” Julian asks as he holds his arm out for me. “Non-alcoholic that is.” Holding my head high, I slide my arm through his and follow him through the crowd.

  People talk and I smile and we catch up and sometimes I actually care about what people are doing these days and sometimes I don’t. Almost no one knows what Digit even is so when I tell them what I do, it has zero significance to them. But for tonight, I don’t really care. After this night, I will never see more than two or three of these people ever again.

  Julian genuinely seems to be having a good time introducing himself as my dot, dot, dot. All the single ladies I talk to eye him up and down, and my already inflated ego swells knowing he’s here with me.

  Stories abound about me and my friends in high school. Trips to the beach, pep rallies, Friday night football games, the crushes my friends had on Drake. Sleepovers at one or another’s house.

  And for a little while, I am able to look back on high school with fond memories.

  Ashton, our former class president, is climbing up to the stage with a yearbook. I’m trying to recall what senior predictions I made. But I’m drawing a blank.

  And then the crowd parts and I catch sight of two faces through the crowd.

  The blood chills in my veins and my hands go numb. Fog threatens to climb into my brain, just like it did that night ten years ago. Suddenly I’m waking up on the floor again, the smell of booze making my head spin, enhanced by something I didn’t even have a name for at the time. And I learn that I am a trophy.

  I turn, fighting my way through the crowd, and I bolt. Tears are springing up in my eyes. Instead of being frozen now, my skin feels as if it is burning.

  “Sage?” I barely hear Julian call after me. “Sage, wait!”

  I’m nearly to the exit, when I crash into a solid chest.

  I look up right into Peter Caster’s face.

  “Well hello there, princess,” he smiles as he looks down at me. Just as he reaches out to take my arm, I smack him across the face.

  “Don’t you dare touch me,” I hiss. Tears have sprung from my eyes and threaten to streak down my cheeks, but everything is red with rage. “Don’t you ever touch me again.”

  “I go to jail for five years because of your little freak out, and this is the greeting you give me?” Peter says. I walk past him, headed for the door, when he reaches out and grabs my arm.

  “Hey!”

  I turn when I hear Julian bellow.

  “Get your hands off her,” Julian is glowering at Peter. “She said not to touch her.”

  “Piss off,” Peter scowls like not a day has gone by since high school. He turns back to me and I tug my arm to get out of his grasp, but he holds firm.

  “I said let her go,” Julian says, taking another step forward.

  Three tears have broken free from my eyes now but I am Sage McCain an
d I am not that girl last semester of senior year.

  I raise my heeled foot while Peter is looking at Julian and kick as hard as I can into Peter’s leg. I hear a crunch and my heel sinks into the flesh of his leg.

  He howls and lets go of my arm. I am running out the door before he hits the ground.

  “Sage! Wait, Sage!” Julian is racing after me, panic in his voice.

  I am sobbing by now and I know there is mascara running down my face and the last thing in the world I want is for Julian to see me like this. The last thing in the world I want right now is for any living creature with a penis to be within one hundred yards of me.

  “Go away Julian!” I scream as I dart outside. My breath is coming in sobbing pulls by now. Remembering the side entrance to the biology lab, I take a chance and pull the door. Thankfully it opens.

  I slip inside and close the door quickly behind me. I lean against the wall and listen to the sound of Julian’s frantic footsteps.

  “Sage!” he yells. “Sage! You don’t have to talk! Just let me take you home.”

  I squeeze my eyes closed and sink to the ground as tears flood my face.

  There are hands on my body. There are lips on my unseen places. There is fog and confusion and the smell of alcohol pungent in the air.

  Julian keeps calling for me for twenty minutes. His voice then fades away for fifteen, only to return again. After forty minutes, my phone beeps with a text alert.

  At least let me know you’re safe. Please.

  My hands shake and fat tears splash to the screen.

  I’m fine, I type. My fingers keep hitting wrong buttons and I have to retype it three times. Please, just leave me alone tonight.

  After a while, everything goes quiet and I go numb.

  Finally, an hour later, I pull my phone out again and dial Avia.

  “I have been meaning to call you all—”

  “Can you come pick me up?” I ask with a shaky voice.

  Avia swears like a sailor. “Where are you? I’m headed for the car right now.”

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  “I’m going to be gone until tomorrow night, but you have a key and you can stay as long as you need.” Avia gathers her things up in a frantic run around the house. She’s been reassuring me I can stay as long as I want the last two days I’ve been crashing at her house.

  “Thank you,” I say from the guest bathroom. I push the last bobby pin into place and step out. She stills in front of me for just a moment, and gives me a smile and a big out of breath sigh.

  “What would I do without you?” I say as I wrap my arms around her and hug her tight.

  “What good is a BFF if I can’t rescue you in a time of need?” she says as she hugs me back.

  “You’re incredible,” I say as I let her go. She kisses my cheek and scurries off for the front door.

  There was no way I was going back to my house after the reunion. While I love my brothers more than anyone in the world, the thought of being around anyone male right now makes my blood turn chill. And Julian knows where to find me there.

  The first day he texted and called at least once an hour. I didn’t respond until that night, saying simply that I just needed him to leave me alone for a while.

  It was cold. But it was true.

  My iron will to never let anyone get too close physically has started to crumble lately. If things hadn’t ended the way they did at the reunion, I am quite sure I would have disbanded my sacred rule. Julian had that effect on me.

  But then the past rose up and smacked me across the face like a baseball bat and now I am once again bruised with teeth dangling by a thread.

  I gather my things up and head for the door. I set Avia’s security system and walk to my car in the driveway. Just as I settle into the driver’s seat, my phone dings twice.

  The first text is from Kale. Are you ever coming home? Everyone is worried sick.

  The second is from Julian. I’m not trying to pester you, I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you.

  Tears prickle in my eyes and I’m suddenly angry with myself.

  I am not the same person I was back then. I was hurt, I was put through hell. But I recovered and I built myself up to a place where I shouldn’t be affected by anything or anyone. I am above that.

  But maybe parts of my tower are made of sand. And every once in a while, my feet start sinking.

  I text Kale back Soon. I am not sure what to say to Julian and I’m afraid that if I say anything, I might not be able to shut off the waterworks.

  One place I am determined to keep my past out of is work. On the drive over, I numb all the stupid parts of my body that make me feel things and put everything else out of my head. By the time I pull up to the security gate in the parking garage, no one is the wiser.

  “Looking gorgeous, as usual,” Dustin says when I pull up.

  “Morning,” I say with a forced smile. Any more words than that and something nasty might leap out of my lips. Thankfully Dustin simply opens the gate and lets me inside.

  Gretch is at her desk when I arrive at my office and she gives me her morning perky smile. Few people besides me are true morning people, but Gretch is.

  “Good morning Sage,” she says cheerily. “You’ve had two phone calls this morning. One from Catina at Sounders Bank and the other from your father.”

  “Thank you,” I say as I set my bags on the table and start pulling out documents I will need for the day. “I’m assuming you’ve got my flight and hotel for China booked?”

  “Yes ma’am,” she says. “First class as always. You’ll leave tomorrow morning and a taxi will be waiting at the airport to pick you up and take you to the hotel. The place you are staying at is right next door to Ling Enterprises so you can just walk next door in the morning. I’ve confirmed that the translator will meet you at the hotel first thing, so you won’t have to worry about any communication issues.”

  “That’s a relief,” I say. Which is actually an understatement. I’ve been majorly stressing about this out of country sale, even more so since it is a place as foreign as China. I’ve been to Europe a few times, I’ve gone to Hawaii twice. But never anywhere even close to China.

  I’m extremely nervous about this trip.

  Gretch turns to leave, but looks back just before she heads out of my office. “Are you okay?” she asks. There is genuine concern in her voice. “You’ve seemed a little down the last few days.”

  “I’m fine,” I lie. I force a smile onto my face and hope it is enough. Gretch must sense she needs to take my word for it, because she simply smiles back and leaves the office. Which is good timing, because my eyes start to well once again.

  I first call Catina back, who gives disturbing reports about hackers trying to get through the Blue Wall. They had major security breaches before they signed with us, so she is extra cautious. And from everything she tells me, it sounds as if perhaps there is reason for it.

  Twenty thousand dollars has been transferred out of three different accounts and the account owners don’t know who authorized the transactions. And they can’t find where the money went.

  “I am going to have you talk to our IT department,” I say to the frantic Catina. “They are very familiar with all types of Bank securities and will be able to get this sorted out right away. Just one second.”

  I transfer the call to Brian, Gretch’s boyfriend in IT.

  What a nightmare.

  With a deep breath and shaking hands, I dial my dad’s cell phone and wait for him to answer.

  “Well, at least I finally figured out why you’ve been avoiding everyone,” Dad says. His voice is annoyed, slightly angry, and protective. “Were you never going to tell us that those four boys got out of jail?”

  I sigh and rub the side of my head. I’ve already got a migraine and it isn’t even nine o’clock. “They’ve all been out for five years, Dad. I just haven’t seen any of them in the last ten.”

  “Well, who was the bonehea
d that decided it was a good idea to drag you to a reunion?” His voice is nearly shaking now and I can imagine how red his face must be.

  “Becky didn’t know they were going to be there,” I sigh. This is the very last thing I want to be dealing with this morning.

  “Becky,” he says in disgust. “That girl is who started half this trouble in the first place. Why do you still even talk to her anymore?”

  “She’s a friend, Dad. And it isn’t her fault. I went down that road plenty willingly.”

  Dad is quiet for a moment. When he does speak, his voice is husky and rough. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so attacking. I just…I just hate that this happened to you. My only daughter.”

  “I know, Dad,” I say. My voice is rough and doesn’t want to work right. “I’m going to be fine though. I promise.”

  “Kale tells me you’ve shut Julian out,” Dad says. “Is this a temporary thing, or a permanent one?”

  I can’t fight it when my eyes well once more. I spin in my chair so that I am facing the outside window. I don’t want anyone walking by my office and see me displaying human emotions. “I don’t know right now.”

  Dad pauses again. “That man cares for you, honey. Anyone could tell that by seeing him look at you.”

  I squeeze my eyes closed and two tears push their way down my cheeks. “I know. But I don’t think this is every going to fully go away for me, Dad. It’s always going to be there in the past. I thought I had this behind me. But what happens when it’s worse next time?”

  “Honey, that is what relationships are all about. Life is hard. It’s really hard when you have to walk it alone. That’s why we find someone who makes us stronger when they are at our side,” he says. “You think I would have gotten through half of what I have without your mother?”

  I laugh, even through the tears that are now freely flowing down my face.