Moments of Julian

by Keary Taylor

  “You’ll make it through this,” Dad says and I can almost hear the kindness in his eyes through the phone. “You’re one of the toughest women I know. You get that from your mother partly, but the rest is all your own.”

  “Thanks, Dad,” I breathe. “I needed to hear that.”

  “Love you.”

  “Love you too. Bye.”

  I hang up and look out over the city. I’m a strong woman, but every once in a while I still need my daddy.

  Kale doesn’t say a word when I go home the next morning. He just wraps his arms around my shoulders and hugs me for a very long time. For once, I finally don’t cry. I just push out all the bad and let myself be in this moment.

  There are many people in my life who love me. Sometimes I just need to remember that.

  I pack my bags and Kale carries them out to the car. I sit in the passenger seat and let him drive to the airport. Our drive is silent but everything in his presence emanates support. A few minutes before we get to the airport, I reach across and take his hand in mine.

  When we get to the drop off zone at the airport, he takes my bags out of the back of the car. Once again he gives me a long hug and presses a kiss to the side of my head.

  “Be safe,” he says.

  “Thanks,” I reply as he lets go. I give him a thin lipped smile before I grab my bags and walk into the check in area.

  The flight to China feels much longer than I expect. I finish an entire book on the flight. I don’t read often, but there is little else to do on an airplane besides that and sleep. And I do end up sleeping for about five hours.

  Finally, we land and I collect my bags and find the taxi Gretchen arranged without issue. Thankfully the check in person at the hotel understands English and I get to my room without a communication problem.

  I take a hot shower and try to mentally convince my brain that it is time for bed instead of being time to wake up.

  As I slip into pajamas, I vow that tomorrow morning, I will put this all behind me. I won’t let it eat up one more second of my life.

  I may not yet be ready to let any man back into my life just yet, Julian or anyone outside of my family, but I’ll get there.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  I keep my outfit simple and no nonsense. White button up shirt, black blazer, black pencil skirt, black pumps. Hair goes in a simple bun. I gather my briefcase and purse and head for the elevator.

  As Gretch promised, the translator is waiting for me in the lobby.

  “Good morning,” he says as he extends a hand to me. “My name is Di. Nice to meet you Miss McCain.” His black hair is cut nicely, he is clean shaven and is wearing a nicely pressed suit. He’s also quite easy on the eyes.

  “Good morning,” I say as I shake his hand. “Thank you for meeting me here. I have to admit, I don’t know a single word of Mandarin.”

  He chuckles and smiles. “That’s what I’m here for. Shall we get to our meeting?”

  I nod and he holds the front door open for me.

  The streets are crowded and busy and I am constantly bumped into. Thankfully, we are only walking next door. I can’t imagine trying to navigate through the entire city.

  What had Julian called fear of driving in an unfamiliar place? Mazeophobia?

  Before my heart can begin to ache, I push those thoughts aside and enter the building behind Di.

  He leads us to an elevator and I intentionally check to see how many floors there are, considering I nearly had to lay on the sidewalk to see the top of the building. One hundred and one floors. Di pushes the button for the ninety-eighth.

  It takes a while to get to our floor, considering there are ninety-seven floors that someone might possibly push the up button before we get there. The doors open and close no less than nine times before we finally reach our floor.

  The doors open to reveal a black marble floor and sleek black and silver walls and décor.

  “Right this way,” Di says and I follow him down the hall. “Mr. Wang has been very excited to hear about your new technology. He’s a man who has always been on the forefront of every modern revolution in the past two decades. He expects this one will be a great money saver. Money is very important to him.”

  “That is understandable,” I say with a smile. “Money is very important to a lot of people.”

  “And here we are,” Di says with a smile as he holds a door open.

  My pulse skyrockets then and for the first time in my career, I feel myself start to freeze.

  Take them by storm, Sage McCain, I say to myself. I can’t afford to choke now.

  I step through the door. There are twelve Asian men around the table, all staring directly at me. And unexplainably seated at the front of the table, one empty chair for me just to the side of him, is Julian.

  ——

  “We are very excited to be the first to test your new technology,” Mr. Wang says with his heavy accent as he signs his name on the contract. “This is truly revolutionary.”

  “I can personally guarantee you will be very happy with the Red Door,” Julian says with a smile. He’s sitting in his chair, his back straight, his fingers laced together, and his arms resting on the table. He’s dressed in an expensive black suit and a blue tie striped with silver. It’s the other one he bought in Toronto.

  “The Red Door,” Mr. Wang chuckles. “First the Blue Wall, then replaced with the Red Door. I love the creativity some of you American’s have.”

  Julian and I give the obligatory laughs. Most everyone else in the room is staring at us stony faced and silent. Di waits at the far end of the table, standing silent and sentient, waiting for any important conversation he might have to translate.

  “Our IT department will be getting in touch in the next two weeks to get the beta program installed in your systems,” Julian says. “I will be handing the technology over to Digit at the end of next week for installation and then we can get moving forward with things.”

  Di launches into Mandarin and translates Julian’s words.

  “It is quite an honor to meet the inventor of such sophisticated technology,” Mr. Wang says with a nod of his head. “Everything we have heard about your Blue Wall has been nothing but complimentary. You are a brilliant man.”

  “Thank you, Mr. Wang,” Julian says with a nod of his own head. “That means a lot to me.”

  “And I will get you copies of all of the contracts as soon as I get back to the states,” I jump in. Mr. Wang hands me the last contract and I slip it into my briefcase. “Digit Securities very much looks forward to serving you.”

  Mr. Wang nods his head again and with that, Julian and I are dismissed. We gather our things and silently head for the elevator.

  “I trust you two can make it back without my assistance?” Di says quietly as he steps out the door.

  “Yes, thank you,” Julian says as he adjusts his tie.

  Di nods and says his goodbyes.

  My mind still feels half frozen as Julian and I head to the elevator. I keep glancing at him when he pushes the down button. He simply stares straight ahead at the elevator doors. Twenty seconds later, they slide open.

  “I wrote the coding for the Blue Wall my sophomore year at New Mexico State,” Julian says as soon as the door slides closed. “I told you I dropped out because I got bored. That is true, but I also knew I had something revolutionary. It wasn’t more than two weeks later that I was approached by Gideon Maxwell and we entered into an agreement.

  “Digit was small then, just trying to get off the ground with a technology that only worked against inexperienced hackers. The Blue Wall made Digit into a name, but you already know that.”

  Julian’s eyes finally flick to my face and I’m not sure I’ve breathed since we stepped foot in here. I can only stare at Julian right now.

  Because the inventor of the Blue Wall is a legend. I never once gave a second thought to the actual man who created it, but the invention itself changed the financial security industry.


  Julian is brilliant.

  And I had no clue as to how much so.

  “You know I’ve been very busy the last month or so,” Julian says, holding my eyes. “I’ve been working on the Red Door for the past year and have been finishing it up recently, getting it ready to test in the market. Mr. Maxwell is a dictator, he’s been pushing me to get it ready quicker and quicker, but he’s about to become a very rich man with this tech. If it works. Well, it will work. But once it’s been proven.”

  I blink once and just keep staring at Julian.

  “How are you?” he finally says when I cannot seem to find my voice. “I’ve…I’ve missed you.”

  I blink once more at Julian. I lick my lips. My brain starts to flicker back into functionality.

  “You created the Blue Wall?” I say.

  “Yes,” he says, his eyes dead serious and uncertain as to what my reaction is going to be.

  “You were twenty when you created it,” I state. “And now the Red Door. You’re about to revolutionize the entire industry. Again.”

  “I think so,” he says. “Yes.”

  “Why didn’t you ever say anything?” I ask. I’m not angry. I’m really not feeling much of anything yet. But I do want to know.

  “Because when I saw you at the banquet, I didn’t want what was between us to have anything to do with work or the company. I never have. I’ve wanted what’s between us to just be us. One hundred percent, pure and simple.”

  I give a little numb nod.

  It’s actually a relief. Had I known Julian had such a heavy tie to my work, I never could have been with him the way I have. Julian is tied to Mr. Maxwell and I am nothing if not professional with him. Knowing that Julian answered to Mr. Maxwell, and that he’d helped create the company I worked so hard for would have forever kept me back from Julian.

  The elevator doors slide open. We’ve miraculously made it to the ground level without anyone else getting on the elevator.

  I follow him into the lobby and then out to the sidewalk on instinct.

  My brain still can’t quite process what Julian has just told me.

  Julian practically invented my company.

  “Can we go somewhere and talk?” Julian is standing right in front of me. His eyes are locked on mine and there’s sadness in them and desperation. And finally seeing Julian shatters me out of my frozen state.

  I can’t keep myself away any longer.

  A sharp breath catches itself in my throat as I rush him and hug myself to him as if he is the last gasp of air I will ever have. My body is so full of need and ache and other emotions I am scared to put words to I am sure I will drown in them.

  One of Julian’s arms wrap around me and he places a hand on the back of my head.

  “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you,” he breathes into my hair. “The distance has been killing me.”

  “I want to tell you what happened last week,” I say. The words coming out my mouth shock me, but they are one hundred percent true. “You deserve to know.”

  Julian just looks at me for a long moment and I can see how much he’s been hurting the last week. He never did anything wrong and he’s probably been thinking all of this was somehow his fault.

  “Okay,” he breathes.

  “Come on,” I say, starting for the doors to the hotel. “There’s no way I’m going anywhere outside this hotel and the airport.”

  A tiny bit of a smile breaks onto Julian’s face, but it’s gone in just a second.

  We enter the elevator and my heart starts fluttering faster and faster.

  I know as soon as I say the words I will not be able to take them back.

  But the alternative of keeping them secret and in and letting them destroy me is so much worse.

  We enter my room and I immediately go into the bathroom and lock the door.

  I stare at myself in the mirror for a long minute.

  A total of two people know what I am about tell Julian, and those are my parents. My brothers know vague details, but I’ve never had the strength to tell them the full truth.

  I’ve modeled my entire life around what happened. Everything I’ve done in the past ten years has been because of what I am about to tell the one man who has seen past my pride and walls.

  An epic shift is about to happen.

  I take a deep breath, look myself in the eye one more time, and walk out of the bathroom.

  Julian is sitting on one of the two lounge chairs. His eyes tell me he is scared as hell to hear whatever I am about to say.

  I walk over to the other chair and slide it close to Julian. I sink into it and lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees. I link my fingers together and stare at them.

  “My senior year of high school, I started getting into some stupid stuff. I started going to a lot of parties. I didn’t care about my grades much anymore. And there was this boy I really wanted.” I squeeze my eyes closed for a moment and swallow hard. “James Theodore.”

  My voice sticks for a while and it takes me a moment to get it to work again. Julian just waits silently.

  “He was on the baseball team. We were good at our school. Very good. James and his three best friends were on track to play in the pros in just a few years.” My stomach feels sick. “Every girl wanted to be with James. Of course I did. And finally I caught his attention. We went on a few dates.”

  I bite my lip and my fingers squeeze tight, turning my skin white. “He invited me to a party. We’d kissed and made out quite a few times by that point, and in my book that made us boyfriend and girlfriend, so of course I was thrilled to go.”

  I lean back in the chair and wrap my arms around my torso. I will not fall apart.

  “I got really drunk that night. Everyone was drinking. And we were all having such a good time. And James was all over me that night. I liked it. I liked the attention.”

  I shake my head and swallow hard, trying to keep the contents of my stomach down.

  “James led us to one of the bedrooms. There wasn’t anyone inside. So we went in, took a few drinks with us, and locked the door.” My breath catches in my throat and I am immediately back in that room. My thoughts were spinning slightly, but everything felt fun and light and free that night. I hated the smell of so much alcohol in the house, but everything felt like it was going perfect. “James and I had sex in that room. I don’t really remember much about it, but I do remember that I wanted to do it.”

  One tear leaks out my eye and I wipe it away absentmindedly.

  “But things started getting blurry. We kept drinking on and off and were having a good time. And then James wanted to do it again. I was thrilled. But then everything was just fuzzy and blurry. And then I woke up somewhere else in the house on the floor about six hours later.”

  My hands curl into fists under my arms and my teeth clench hard.

  “I had known I was going to be sore after my first time doing it,” I say. My voice is hoarse and doesn’t quite want to work right. “But I couldn’t begin to walk. Some girl I didn’t know very well but was still at the party helped me into the bathroom where I started throwing up so hard I thought I was going to die.

  “And then I noticed there were four signatures on my underwear. James and his three friends.”

  Julian swears and a rainbow of emotions flash across his eyes. He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees and presses his mouth into his fists.

  “I couldn’t really process what might have happened at first. I called Drake to pick me up and went home. I wouldn’t really say anything and didn’t really move or breathe or eat. My parents were freaking out. Eventually, I told them what I did remember.”

  I close my eyes and recall the humiliation and fear I felt. Telling my parents that not only had I been drinking but that I’d lost my virginity was horrifying. But I needed them.

  “They took me to the ER and I got a lot of tests. James had given me a date rape drug while we were doing it. I went into bed with him willingly, bu
t he wanted to keep me that way for his friends. All three of them took advantage of me while I was helpless.”

  Julian shakes his head and squeezes his eyes shut. A stream of tears snake their way down his face.

  “Thankfully I didn’t get any STD’s and they gave me a morning after pill,” I say, rubbing my hands up and down my arms. “My parents called the police and they interviewed me and I told them what happened. They had the records from the hospital as undeniable proof.

  “All of them were over eighteen and they all plead guilty. They each got five years in prison.”

  “That’s who grabbed you at the reunion, wasn’t it?” Julian asks. His voice is husky and rough.

  I nod. “That was Peter, one of James’ friends. James was there, so was Travis. I’m sure Keaton was there too.” I shake my head and close my eyes. Recalling the feeling of Peter’s demanding hands on me makes me want to vomit.

  “Sage, I—”

  “That experience changed my life,” I interrupt him. “I stopped messing around. I focused on school and on making myself someone. Someone who could never be touched or effected by guys like that again. I told myself that I’d never drink and I’d never have sex again. And I haven’t. I will never put myself in a position like that, ever. I love being with you, Julian, and you make me feel things I didn’t think it was possible for someone like me to feel again, but I just—”

  Julian leans forward and takes my hands solidly in his. The physical contact surprises me and my eyes snap to his. “I understand, Sage, and I will never, never ask you to compromise that commitment.”

  I lock eyes with him and my lower lip begins to tremble. Part of me is so happy to see him again, and so relieved that he knows the truth. “But I could never ask you to be with me when I can never be with you in that way. You are a man and I know how you work. I mean it though when I say I won’t have sex with anyone. Not unless I happen to find someone who I can trust for the rest of my life and he puts a ring on this finger.”

  I expect this to frighten Julian. I expect this to be too serious and too heavy and too personal for him to bear.