Memories of Me

by Dani Hart

  I wasn’t sure why, but tears filled my eyes, a single one escaping down my cheek. My heart ached harder than it ever had, and my body started trembling. I was scared. For the first time, I was feeling us with the same intensity he was. For the first time, I couldn't imagine my life without him in it, and for that, I was petrified something would take him from me.

  "Bay, what's wrong?"

  "I'm sorry. I just…I love you," I said simply.

  "I love you, too." He squeezed me gently.

  "It took me longer to get there than you, but I understand now," I confessed.

  He reached out and brushed my cheek. "I knew you would. I just didn't want to rush you."

  "How did you know that I would get there?"

  He thought for a moment and then said, "Because anybody that can save me the way you did was meant to stay."

  The Road to Love

  “ARE YOU SURE you don’t want to go out?” Tessa and Grady were out for her birthday and today marked two years since we had met.

  “I really need to get this file uploaded,” Brandt replied without taking his eyes off the computer.

  Brandt and Grady had opened an online surf shop and he had been working extremely hard lately, while it seemed Grady just partied more.

  “Let me help,” I said, leaning over his shoulder and kissing his neck.

  “I need a phone number off a business card. I think it’s on my nightstand.”

  I bit his neck lightly. “I’ll go get it.”

  I loved being at Brandt’s place. When Grady wasn’t around, it almost seemed like it could be our place. We spent a lot of time here, cooking together and watching movies. I spent almost every day here when he worked, but we had decided to wait until we were married to sleep together, so I went home every night. It was silly, really, but he loved the idea and so I went along with it. Not that it was easy by any means, and with no engagement in sight, I had a feeling one of us would waver on our promise. Our relationship hadn’t taken many steps forward in the last year, but mainly because of the business. There wasn’t much time for anything else right now.

  I picked up some clothes and tossed them into the laundry basket as I made my way over to his nightstand. I didn’t see a card on the table, so I opened the top drawer and rummaged around. “Hey, babe, I can’t find it. Are you sure it was on the nightstand? Maybe it’s in one of the drawers?”

  I had never really gone through Brandt’s drawers. I never had a reason and I wanted to respect his privacy, so when I came across a picture hidden at the bottom of the drawer of him and another guy with a girl sandwiched between them, both kissing either side of her cheeks, my heart stopped beating for a millisecond.

  “Bay, I’ll look,” Brandt called in the room urgently.

  It was too late, though. When I turned to him, holding the picture with tears in my eyes, I expected for him to comfort me. To tell me it was nothing. To tell me she meant nothing and he had forgotten the picture was in there. Something other than storming over to me, snatching the picture out of my hand, and shouting, “Get out.”

  I was so startled I flinched. He had never spoken to me that way, and I had never seen the look that consumed him. He was angry, but he also looked deflated.

  “Who is she?” My words trembled and I wrapped my arms around myself protectively.

  He shook his head. “You said the past was the past.”

  “Clearly it’s not.” My heart had been launched into the sky and then shot down, scattering the pieces all around us.

  I stood there, hoping he would confess whatever dark secret he was hiding, but his silence was loud and clear. I pushed past him, running outside, across the lot to an open field of grass with a large oak tree. On nice days residents would come out here with their kids and have picnics, but it was late and abandoned.

  “Bay, wait,” Brandt called after me.

  I stopped at the tree, tears streaming down my face and my lungs burning with betrayal. Brandt caught up and immediately wrapped his arms around me.

  “I’m so sorry, Bay. I’m so sorry,” he pleaded through broken words and tears of his own.

  I wiped my nose and pulled away. My eyes fell to his hand that was still holding the picture.

  “I need to know,” I said shamefully.

  I wanted to pretend his life started when we met, and it seemed to have worked until now, but I was being naïve. We couldn’t go into a marriage, if that was where we were headed, and not know the skeletons that followed us around.

  He raised his chin to the sky and coughed back tears. “Chris was my best friend and Becca was his girlfriend.” He took a deep breath. “She was mine, too,” he confessed.

  I steadied my eyes from judgment, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed. That wasn’t the Brandt I knew.

  “We all went to high school together, and Chris and I were awarded soccer scholarships to Berkeley. Naturally, Becca followed him.” He corrected himself, “Us.” His head dropped to the photo. “We partied a lot. More than we should have. One night Chris walked in on Becca and me. I was a jerk for doing it, but we were all kind of a thing in high school, and I just assumed it was the same when we took off to college.” He paused. “I was an idiot. Chris had asked Becca to marry him, and I had no idea. He was my best friend, and I didn’t even know he loved her like that.”

  “It’s okay,” I interjected when he was lost in the memory for more than a few seconds. “We all make mistakes.”

  “You’re right, Bay. We do, but this one has followed me since the day he died.”

  I gasped and covered my mouth, chills splaying across my insides.

  “We were all drunk and high when Chris walked in on us. He threw some punches and then took off in his truck. I tried to stop him. I ran after the truck, but I wasn’t fast enough. And then, not even twenty seconds later, I heard a crash and the world just stopped moving. I ran to the crash, but he was already gone, Bay. He was gone.” He covered his mouth, choking through coughs, and then crumbled to the ground.

  I fell down next to him and wrapped my arms around him, rocking with him. Crying with him. Being with him. And that was when I realized the past could be forgotten but not erased. It was a part of us. It made us who we were. It decided the choices that we made and the secrets we kept hidden. The past was our present and future whether we wanted it to be or not.

  Brandt tucked the picture into his pocket and then pulled out a simple silver ring.

  “What’s that?” I asked softly.

  He took my ring finger and slipped the band on. “Marry me, Baylor. Be my life. Be my future. Be my everything. Be my wife.”

  Fresh tears streamed down my cheeks. I cupped my hand on his cheek and said, “Yes,” without hesitation.

  He pulled me in and kissed me urgently, wrapping all his strength around my body as if I might fly away.

  “No matter what,” I whispered into his ear.

  “Don’t move. I’ll be right back.” He raced back to his apartment and came back with a fresh smile and a pocketknife. He carved B & B into the trunk and outlined it with a heart. It was juvenile, and we both laughed about it, but now this was our tree where the next chapter in our life began. Where a little piece of the past fell away and our future was clearer.

  I STARED INTO the mirror, applying the last of my mascara.

  "Oh, my gawd! I can't believe you got engaged last month and you are already getting married in two weeks," my sister said, barging into the room and throwing herself onto the bed. She was always full of dramatics. "You know, I should be pissed that you're crashing my college celebration." She was on her back, scrolling through her phone.

  "No, you should be mad because I'm getting married before you." I pointed the mascara wand at her. She had been dating Grady for four years, and I had only been with Brandt for two.

  "You're right. Whatever. I'm too young to get married."

  I laughed. "You're barely two years younger than me."

  "Exac
tly why you shouldn't be getting married yet. You're too young."

  She loved teasing me about getting married, but she actually loved the idea and supported me. She was going to be moving away with Grady anyway, so the separation anxiety wouldn't be as bad. Who was I kidding? It was going to be terrible. Everyone always mistook us for twins. We had an uncanny likeness, but our personalities couldn't be more different. I was a little more put together. She liked to call it anal, whereas she was a wallflower. She followed her heart one hundred percent, with no regard for reason, except for in the case of marriage. She didn't like the idea of being tied down. At least not right now.

  "I'm ready, and when you're ready, I'll remember to give you a hard time about it."

  I looked back in the mirror, swiping the mascara over my lashes one more time. I rarely wore makeup. My sister and I were fortunate that our fair skin with freckles didn’t need it. Tonight was a special occasion, though, so I made my eyes dramatic and wore my hair down with soft curls. My sister came up behind me, putting her hands on my shoulders and joining my reflection in the mirror.

  "You look stunning. I'm really happy for you guys."

  I put my hand on hers and smiled. “Thanks, sis.”

  Tonight was our pre-wedding reception party. We decided to keep our wedding small, so we were getting married up north while visiting my sister's new college. My parents couldn't imagine us not having a reception, and since we were going to travel for a month following the wedding, they decided to throw us one before. We didn't have any other family, but we didn't have a shortage of friends. My dad was well known in the community for his charity work, and my mom was a social butterfly. She organized all sorts of clubs in the valley. They were incredibly selfless and always put my sister and me first, so not having a big celebration was out of the question.

  "You've completely raised the bar with that makeup. Now, I have to go slave for hours to look half as good." She bounced out of the room.

  My nerves flared when she left the room, but they weren't over getting married. They were of leaving her. For twenty years, we had been inseparable, and now I was going on some wild adventure, and she was going eight hours north for the next two years. That is, if she ever came back. Starting a completely new life was overwhelming.

  A knock on my door drew me back to my dad standing in the doorframe. "Hey, Dad." I spun around and gave him a big smile.

  He was six-foot-two, built like a professional runner, and still had a full head of sandy blond hair, hazel eyes, and the best smile wrinkles ever. I was close with both of my parents, but I was a total daddy's girl.

  "You look beautiful. You nervous?"

  "A little."

  "I hope you don't mind that we are doing this for you. I know it's a lot. You know how Mom is, though."

  At the same time, we said, "Go hard or go home," and then we both started laughing.

  "Yes, I really appreciate it."

  "Are you going to ride with us?"

  "Yeah."

  "All right. We'll go when you're ready." He pushed off the frame and left.

  My parents had rented the Vineyard that overlooked the valley. They wanted to do something in Malibu with an ocean view, but everyone was local, and I didn't want people to have to drive so far. The place we picked was located on a secluded hill and, at the most, a fifteen-minute drive, and it was where Brandt and I met.

  As all four of us—my mom, dad, sister, and I—drove to the Vineyard for the party, I watched an unseasonable August rain drench the pavement as we whizzed by. The rain was magical at night. It looked like sparkling diamonds under the reflection of the moon. It was also deceptively inviting, and I loved it, day or night. It was the perfect way to start the next chapter in our lives. My sister grabbed my hand. We were both celebrating tonight, and I couldn't be happier.

  "Okay, girls. I'm just going to say it. I know you aren't twenty-one yet, Tessa, but I was your age once, so I am going to pretend I don't see you celebratory drinking tonight," Mom said.

  Tessa and I shared a knowing glance and giggled silently. Tessa did more than the occasional drinking, but my parents used to smoke pot, so I never made a big deal about it. Tessa was a good kid.

  "Thanks, Mom," Tessa replied before returning her attention to me.

  "You look really pretty, Tess." She had put on a little eyeliner and lip-gloss. It was minimal, but it made her face come alive.

  "You, too, sis."

  When we pulled into the lot, it was already almost full, but we had a few reserved spots in the front. My stomach filled with butterflies. Crowds had always made me anxious. Before I grabbed the handle of my door, it was opening, and Brandt's hand was reaching for me.

  "Well, good evening, Mr. Brandt." I smiled as he kissed my hand. My family had taken the opportunity to sneak away to give us a moment alone.

  The quiet before the storm.

  He leaned in to my ear and whispered, "You look stunning," sending chills down my spine.

  You would think that reaction would have faded, but it hadn't, and I wasn't sure if it was attributed to us still being in the newlywed phase of our relationship or if it was the simple fact that we hadn't slept together.

  "Two more weeks," he reminded me as he pushed his hand to the small of my back, forcing our bodies together.

  "If you think you can hold out," I teased.

  "It gets harder every second it gets closer," he admitted, "but I can and I will because I love you that much."

  Our lips were only inches from each other. My desire to kiss him was as strong now as it was the day we had met, and the way he drank me in every moment we were together made me ache. The good kind of ache. The kind of ache that told me he was the only one in the world for me.

  "I love you, Mrs. Brandt." He held my cheek in his hand and studied me deeply as if he could pluck my thoughts right out of my head.

  He had adopted my play on his name. "I love you, too."

  He pressed his lips on mine urgently, taking my breath away. The simple graze of his hand sliding down my arm was a reminder of how much I wanted to marry this man. I could tell his resolve was weakening, because he pulled away and held on to the back of my neck tightly as he rested his forehead on mine and paused.

  "No matter what, Bay." A raindrop fell between us. He grabbed my hand, and we sprinted to find cover under the awning. The misty haze illuminated under the lamp above us, giving it the London fog feel.

  "I want to go to London," I blurted out randomly. Something I tended to do often.

  "Then, we will." He smiled.

  He kissed me again, but this time, it was gentle and sweet, making my knees weak in a different way. This was the kiss of forever love.

  "One day, Bay," he muttered. "I love you. With everything my body has to give, inside and out. I'm yours forever."

  "Forever," I whispered.

  "Seriously, what are you guys doing out here? Having sex?" Tessa joked.

  "Tessa!" I exclaimed.

  "Oh, come on. Loosen up." She laughed. "Mom and Dad are about to announce us."

  "Okay, we'll be there in a second," I replied.

  "You kids! Can't take you anywhere." She laughed again as she headed back around the building.

  "We should go," I said. He took another minute to memorize this moment. To study me. And I did the same. We were about to embark on the journey of our lives, so documenting every moment was a must.

  It didn't take long for me to fall hard for him. Our connection was immediate, and the feelings built exponentially with every moment we were together, and I hoped they would continue until we were old and gray.

  Love is Forever

  MY PARENTS WERE standing on the stage with Tessa as we walked in. They waved us up, so we meandered our way through the crowd and took our place in front of quite possibly three hundred of our closest friends, family, colleagues, you name it. I hated crowds. They terrified me, and Brandt knew it. He kissed my hand and squeezed it close to his heart.

&
nbsp; "Hi, everyone. Thank you so much for joining us to celebrate two milestones in our lives," my mom spoke fluidly. "But we are missing some people. Mr. and Mrs. Reilly?" She scanned the crowd. "There you are. Please, come up and join us. We're all family now."

  I watched as Brandt's parents shyly made their way to the stage. They were the exact opposite of my parents. They were quiet and kept to themselves. His stepmom was super sweet, but I hadn't really labeled his dad yet. He never really said much around me. I knew he was a good man, though, from the way Brandt spoke about him and respected him, and that was enough for me.

  "And we can't forget Brandt's brother, Grady. Come up here, dear."

  Grady was just as handsome as Brandt, but there was a hidden darkness deep within him. I wasn't sure if Tessa ever caught it because she was, well, Tessa. She was always flying on her own cloud. I think that was why they worked so well together. She brought out the light in him. He hopped onto the stage and stood next to Tessa.

  "Now, our family is complete. We are here to celebrate my oldest daughter, Baylor, getting married in a few weeks to one of the dearest men I have ever met. I could tell she had met the one immediately. She might not have known, but a mother can see when a shift takes place within her children. We are gaining two wonderful young men, Brandt and Grady, and two equally wonderful friends." She looked at Brandt and Grady's parents. "You have raised two strong and respectable men. Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your family.

  "And we can't forget. We are also here to celebrate my little Tessa being accepted into Stanford, the school of her dreams, to do what she was born to do—save the world one ocean at a time. We are the luckiest parents in the world and so proud of both of you." She wiped away a tear with a tissue she had hidden in her fist. "I told myself I wouldn't cry." She laughed. "But I came prepared, just in case." She held up the tissue. "Thank you all for being here to remember this moment." She raised her glass. "Cheers."