Memories of Me

by Dani Hart

  Brandt took two glasses from a server and handed me one. Everyone raised their glasses and responded, "Cheers," including us. The crowd dispersed quickly afterward, and the music filled the room. My parents stayed on stage with Brandt's parents while Brandt and I dared to join the sea of people. Tessa and Grady followed us.

  "That was emotional!" Tessa shouted. "Mom sure knows how to dig at the little heartstrings."

  "Yeah, but think about it. She's about to lose both of her daughters at the same time. That's gotta be hard on her."

  "Yeah," she replied thoughtfully.

  "Hey, Tessa!" a girl yelled as she clumsily pushed people out of her way to reach us.

  "Hey, Becca."

  A friend of Becca's hung behind her, obviously plastered. Brandt released my hand and looked away from Becca uncomfortably. He and Grady started whispering.

  "I hope you don't mind I brought my best friend. She's a little drunk, though," Becca shouted over the music.

  "No, it's totally cool. Bay, this is Becca. She went to High Pointe with us," Tessa introduced Becca.

  "Technically with your boyfriend.” She laughed as she raised her glass toward me.

  She looked oddly familiar, but I couldn’t place from where.

  "Your sis and I are going to be rooming together at Stanford."

  That was a new revelation. "Oh?" I looked at Tessa with a questioning glance.

  "Oh, shit. I'm sorry. Was that a secret?" Becca blurted.

  Tessa cut her off, "No, it's fine. I just hadn't told anyone yet. No secret."

  "Phew. I thought I was out a roomie. This is my friend, Alex. This is Tessa."

  "Hey, Bay. We're going to get a beer," Brandt quickly interrupted and then took off with Grady to the bar.

  Becca tried to finish, "And this is her sister…"

  "Bay. I heard. Hey," Alex managed to slur out.

  "There you are." A guy grabbed Alex's arm. "She's had a few too many. Sorry," he said as he ushered her away.

  "Bye!" Alex yelled.

  "I should go with them. Sorry, we're late!" Becca shouted as she sauntered after them.

  "That was interesting." I turned to Tessa. "And what happened to living with Grady? And, if she went to school with Brandt, that makes her six years older than you."

  "We need to talk." She grabbed my hand and dragged me outside.

  The chill attacked my bare skin as soon as we stepped out onto the back patio. I rubbed my arms as we claimed a heater at the far end. The rain was coming down hard now. Tessa pulled out a joint and lit up.

  "Seriously? Everyone Mom and Dad know is just inside."

  "Then shield me. Geez, no one's going to come out here for any other reason than to smoke, and this is way healthier than cigarettes. Want a puff?"

  I gave her my signature disapproving glare. "What the hell is going on, Tess? I thought you were moving in with Grady?"

  "We were. I mean, we are. Shit, Bay, I don't know. Grady's intense, and I'm not. I love him, Bay. I really do, but I need my freedom."

  "I'm not buying it, Tess. What's going on?"

  She took a deep hit, and after a moment released, and I didn't mean just smoke.

  "I was pregnant, Bay."

  Holy…what? I was stunned and didn’t know what to say.

  "Say something, please. You're freaking me out."

  I shook my head in disbelief. "Does he know?"

  "No, I miscarried before I had a chance to tell him."

  My mind was spinning with thoughts of what she went through alone, and it pissed me off. "Why wouldn't you tell me? I don't understand. We've never kept secrets, Tess. Ever!" I was raising my voice.

  "This is why." She pointed out my reaction.

  "That's not fair, Tess! I've never judged you. I've never given you a reason not to trust me or not to let me be there for you."

  "I know." She hung her head and put out the joint. "I was scared because I didn't plan on keeping it anyway. I didn't want you to convince me to keep it, because I know you would have. I'm not ready for all that. I'm not you, Bay. I don't want to get married and have babies. Not right now."

  I wanted to smack the stupidity out of her, but I couldn't. I just felt sorry for her. I wrapped her in a hug and held her tightly. She cried harder than I had ever seen her cry before. She needed to tell someone. She needed me.

  "I love you, Tess. Nothing will ever change that. Never keep secrets from me again." I kissed her on the head.

  She kept her head buried in my embrace and said, "I promise."

  I sneaked her into the bathroom to clean her up. When I wiped away the running mascara, she was lost in her head. "You okay?"

  "Yeah, I hadn't really felt it yet, you know? All the emotion."

  "When…did you…?"

  "A few weeks ago. I ran into Becca after everything, and she mentioned she was starting this semester at Stanford but was living with a bunch of students off campus. She wasn't super thrilled about it because she was going back to school after some crazy shit happened to her and she just wanted to stay focused, so I mentioned maybe us sharing a dorm room. I freaked out. I'm still freaked out. I can't do real life right now, Bay."

  "I know. You're too young anyway. I can't believe you're thinking about ending it with Grady. You guys have been inseparable since freshman year. Don't you think you should tell him about the baby either way?" The horror in her eyes said it all.

  She grabbed my arms. "You have to promise me you won't tell him or Brandt. Or anyone. Promise me, Baylor!"

  "Geez, Tess. I won't. Calm down. I'm your sister, and you come first. It's your news to tell if you ever want to, not mine."

  She hugged me hard. "Thank you." She was ready to go back to the party.

  "I'm worried about you. Should I be worried?" I inquired.

  "No, I'm okay. I just need some space. I need to figure out who I am without Grady. Without everyone. I just need to find me." Her half-smile hid a hint of sadness.

  "Just don't forget me, okay? I'm here no matter how far away we are. I'm here."

  "I know, Bay. I love you."

  She left me in the bathroom to sort through the last twenty minutes. My little sister was pregnant, lost the baby, was moving away, and breaking up with Grady. Everything was normal less than an hour ago. What the hell was happening?

  I went to look for Brandt and found him being cornered by Becca. Even from a distance, I could tell the conversation was not casual. In fact, Becca looked like she was about to slap Brandt while he looked mortified when he saw me charging up. We were in a dark corner by the stage.

  "What's up?" I asked in a less than friendly way.

  Becca turned and faced me. She looked as plastered as her friend now, and she had been crying. "Why don't you ask your fiancé? Congratulations," she spat out as she stormed off, throwing people out of her way. The same guy from earlier tossed her over his shoulder and dragged her out the entrance, kicking and screaming. The scene was beyond embarrassing, but what hung in the air around Brandt and me was worse. I turned back to him, terrified to ask the obvious. I needed to know, but at the same time, I didn't want to know. I had given him everything, and the thought of losing him now was almost too much to handle as the look on his face said it all. It was a look I had never seen before. He was just as terrified as me. I wanted to say something, but my heart was pounding painfully hard. I couldn't hear or think, let alone speak, so I spun around and ran out to the back patio.

  I needed air.

  I pushed open the doors and didn't let the rain stop me. I just kept going until the rail slammed into my stomach, the only thing keeping me from falling. I wanted to throw up. What was happening?

  "Bay, stop."

  I turned and faced him. "That was her, wasn’t it? The one you and Chris shared.” Saying it aloud made it feel so much worse.

  "Yeah, but I don’t feel anything for her anymore. I barely felt something for her back then, but she’s been all messed up since Chris died and I’ve been avoiding her ca
lls. How would I know she would know your sister and show up here?” he pleaded as he came closer.

  "She looked pretty hurt, Brandt. That was not the anger of just a fling."

  "Let's go back inside or in my car. Somewhere out of the rain," he suggested.

  We were both drenched now. "Fine." I pouted as I fumed past him toward the parking lot. He stayed close on my heels, unlocked his car, and I hopped inside before he could open my door. He slid inside and turned on the engine, cranking up the heat.

  I waited for him to continue. We didn’t talk about the accident after that night I found the picture, but it was clear there was more to it than what I thought.

  "Becca was in love with me. I didn’t take her seriously because it was always just about having fun, but then after Chris died, she relied on me like a drunk relies on a bottle of alcohol. It got to be too much. I moved to a different dorm and stopped taking her calls. She eventually disappeared.”

  “Until now.” I sighed painfully.

  He looked so lost and I was crushed. There was this whole other side of Brandt that was completely lost on me, and I was about to agree to spend the rest of my life with him. How could I marry someone I didn't even know? Because I loved him? Was love really enough of a reason to get married?

  "Can you take me home, please?" I said, defeated.

  "If that's what you want," Brandt replied softly.

  "It is."

  We didn't talk during the drive. As soon as the car stopped, I jumped out and ran to the front door, tears streaming down my face.

  "Bay, let's talk about this. I'll tell you everything. Anything." Brandt had followed me to the door.

  I opened the door, took a deep, courageous breath, and without turning around, I said, "I know you will, but I don’t think I’m ready tonight.”

  I went inside, shutting the door on him. I collapsed to the floor, devastated for my sister, devastated for Grady, and devastated for myself. In one night, everything had changed, and it wasn't the change it was supposed to be.

  Pandora’s Box

  BRANDT STAYED OUTSIDE the front door until my parents came home, and Tessa stayed with Grady. I didn't leave the door until I heard my parents' voices talking to Brandt and then I dragged myself up and headed to my bedroom and straight into the shower. I was emotionally exhausted, and my wedding was two weeks away to a man I felt like I barely knew. I knew him with me, but I didn't know the Brandt before me, and it scared the crap out of me.

  I threw on my pajamas and slid into bed just as I heard a light tapping on my door. "Come in." I wiped away the tears that were still flowing. My dad came in and sat on the edge of the bed. He put my purse down on the nightstand next to me.

  "A fight?"

  "I guess you could say that."

  "Want to talk about it?"

  I sat up and twirled my hair methodically.

  "Just like your mom." He smiled.

  He was staring at my nervous gesture. "Yeah."

  "Brandt wanted me to tell you he was sorry."

  "Thanks." I picked at the blankets nervously. "How did you know Mom was the one? I mean, how did you really know? Did you know who she was before you married her?"

  He sighed deeply. "I knew the moment I saw her that she was the other half to my heart. There was this connection that's hard to describe. We let it sweep us up for quite a while before we actually got to know each other. I didn't learn everything about her nor her me before we got married, but that's what made our years that much more exciting. We were still discovering new things about our pasts and each other every day. Don't get me wrong. They weren't always good things, but they are what made us who we are and how we were with each other. You take the good with the bad, and you let your heart tell you what feels right and wrong. You trust in yourself."

  My dad understood how to talk me down and what I needed without me having to explain. "Thanks, Dad."

  "Anytime, kiddo." He got up. "I don't know what happened with you two tonight, but Brandt loves you, Bay. He's your heart's other half. I can see it."

  "Me, too, Dad."

  "Goodnight, honey. Every day is a new day, and tomorrow is no different."

  After he left, my phone buzzed. "Hello. Wait, calm down. Okay. Where are you? I'm on my way. Don't move."

  This was the first time Tessa had called me to pick her up, so I knew she had broken up with Grady. Today was going down in history as the worst day in the Stone family. I didn't even bother putting on clothes. I just threw my rain jacket over my pajamas, slid on my rain boots, and headed to the front door.

  "Where you going, sweetie?" my mom inquired.

  "Tessa needs a ride. Grady drank a little too much."

  "I can go get her, if you want. You're already in your pajamas."

  "No, it's fine. I don't mind."

  "Okay, honey. Drive safely."

  "I will." I pulled into the open spot in front of Brandt and Grady’s apartment, but Tessa wasn't sitting outside, so I texted her and waited for a minute with no response. Before I could get out to get her, my door opened, and Brandt slid into my car.

  "Hey." His eyes begged for forgiveness.

  "Hey, is my sister ready to go?"

  "I have a confession."

  My stomach tightened, and my heart screamed, 'No'.

  "Your sister is fine. I asked her to call you. She said you wouldn't come unless she acted upset, but that part was her idea."

  "What?" I was both relieved and dumbfounded at the same time.

  "Are you mad?"

  "I was in bed, so yeah, I'm a little annoyed." But really, after I talked to my dad, I wasn't mad anymore. In fact, I felt guilty as hell for reacting the way I did. I should have been more understanding.

  "I'm sorry, Bay. I should have told you everything."

  "No, Brandt, I’m sorry. You lost your best friend and she was hurting. I know you blame yourself for what happened to him, so you don’t talk about it, but I don’t want you to ever apologize for it. I was being a jerk.”

  He jumped out of the car and opened my door. "Come on."

  I took his hand, expecting him to lead me into his apartment, but instead, he guided me in the opposite direction. "Are you serious? I'm in my pajamas, and it's pouring!" I yelled as we ran across the parking lot to an open field to our oak tree. He took my finger and traced it over our carved initials.

  “You and me, B.” He smiled and reached for my cheek, rubbing it lightly, and without another word, he kissed me like he had never kissed me before, as if all he needed was to tell someone about Chris so he could forgive himself and move on. It was the best kiss of our unmarried life.

  "Every moment has to mean something with you. Only you, Bay. You are my epic love story." He touched the engraving and then his heart with a goofy smile plastered across his face that made me laugh. I added it to my list of why I loved this man so much. He could do cheesy without flinching a muscle.

  We ran back to his apartment. It was warm and quiet inside. "Where are they?" Just then I heard a giggle come from Grady's bedroom. "Got it." I shook my head.

  "Let's get you dry," Brandt said.

  We went into his bedroom, and he tossed me a T-shirt.

  "Do you want to stay the night?"

  "Yeah, actually, I do."

  He smiled and grabbed a pair of sweatpants for himself and went into the bathroom.

  I threw off my wet pajamas and put on the shirt. It was from his alma mater, Berkeley University, where he received his degree in economics. Aside from soccer, he had always wanted to own his own company, and since he and Grady were avid surfers, they built a business around it. Brandt was the brains behind the company, while Grady was the face of it.

  I climbed into his bed and inhaled a deep breath of his scent. We all had a signature scent, and I loved Brandt's. Being in his bed, in his shirt, and in his room overwhelmed my senses with it and made me feel at home. He climbed into bed quietly and faced me. He brushed the side of my face absently as we soaked eac
h other in.

  "I just want to watch you all night long." His adoring eyes smiled.

  "Okay," I said.

  And he did for a long time, but the events of the evening had left a Pandora's box wide open, and so eventually we talked. We talked about how Grady and his mom came to live with them the summer before sixth grade. Grady’s mom married Brandt’s dad after Brandt’s mom left them and Grady’s father died in a hunting accident. Grady was going into kindergarten. Brandt had six years on Grady, so he acted more like a father figure. They were always really close. Most of this I already knew, but I liked hearing his history. Each time there was a little more detail or an added story of them growing up together. Grady and Brandt were lucky to have each other just like Tessa and me.

  WE WENT OUT to breakfast on the coast the next morning. It was a bit of a drive, but it was a nice change. Grady and Tessa came with us, but their mood was off from last night. I wondered if she told Grady about moving out with a friend rather than him. The thought made me sad. He was such a good person and so in love with her. He could have had anyone in high school, even freshman year. He came in with his brother's legacy, good looks, and confidence. He started on the varsity soccer team and dominated from day one. Girls threw themselves at him, but not Tessa. She was focused and determined to get straight A's and become a world-renowned environmentalist, but her weakness was soccer. She always loved it. I did, too. My dad grew up playing and so we sat around and watched every Galaxy game we could find broadcasted and we went to every high school soccer game. I took Tessa before she even went to high school. I actually saw Brandt play once because I had a few older friends. He was magical on the field. I didn't really know who he was then, but as soon as we met, I remembered.

  It took Grady many attempts to get Tessa to go out with him, and once she finally conceded, they were inseparable. I could always tell he loved her more deeply than she loved him, and it wasn't for any other reason than Tessa was a free spirit, and tying her down was like telling a little girl she couldn't dream because dreams weren't real. It would break who she was. I knew it was inevitable she would break Grady's heart, but I still had hope she would see him as a part of her future rather than someone who was holding her back. I was selfish. I wanted us all to be a family. Their breakup would surely create a rift and tension that would keep us all apart.