The Last Christmas Cowboy

by Maisey Yates

  “And what about Ryder and Sammy? If something had gone wrong between the two of them it would have destroyed everything. Sammy was prepared to leave.”

  “I didn’t know about them.”

  “I did,” Rose said. “I caught them kissing, and I had to keep it to myself. I knew about it, and I didn’t lecture them.”

  “Well, both of them know about sex. You don’t.”

  “I do now,” Rose groused. “Logan’s good at it. And he’s taught me a lot.”

  She was mad now. So she wasn’t going to preserve Pansy’s delicate sensibilities. Far from it, it made her want to get into exactly what Logan had showed her in great detail.

  “A man who can lift hay bales as easily as he can, can get up to some pretty athletic stuff.”

  “I’m familiar with the virtues of sex with a cowboy,” Pansy said dryly. “You don’t need to fill me in on the details.”

  “Well. Just making sure that you know.”

  They got out of the car, and went into the small market. Rose pushed the cart, but angrily, and Pansy went about selecting chips.

  For her part, Pansy seemed committed to ignoring the fact that she had made Rose angry. So Rose decided to fume with all the force of her irritation. And Pansy just doubled down on ignoring it. It was so irritatingly reminiscent of interactions she’d had with her sister when they were younger. And it was over something so...so adult. But somehow it had regressed them.

  They overbought, essentially filling the cart with chips and soda, then not speaking to each other as they paid. Rose piled the chips onto the conveyor belt and dared the young man working behind the counter to comment with his eyes. He didn’t.

  They loaded their treats into the car and Rose stewed while Pansy drove.

  “I’m not a child,” she muttered.

  “I know,” Pansy said. “It’s not that I think you’re a child. But I do worry...”

  “I know. You’re super worried that this is going to mean we all lose Logan.” She looked out the window. “I don’t want to lose him.”

  “It’s not that simple,” Pansy said. “I’m not just worried about that. I’m sorry if I sounded that insensitive. It’s not... It’s not that simple. I’m worried he’ll hurt you, and I’ll hate him. I’m worried that we’ll lose him, sure. I’m worried about that hurting me, but I’m worried about it hurting you, too. We are all woven so tightly around each other, Rose. And I guess I just worry that if the wrong thread gets pulled at we could all unravel.”

  “I don’t think we’re that fragile,” Rose said stubbornly. “Look at everything we’ve been through. Everything. And look at how much has changed in the last year. You’re getting married in, like, a week. We added West to the family.” And she didn’t even get into the fact that by introducing West to the family Pansy had introduced a lot more strife and change than she realized.

  It wasn’t her secret to tell, and she had promised Logan that she wouldn’t. And she realized then that in some ways Pansy was right. Things would be changed by the fact that she had slept with Logan. They already were. Because maybe before her loyalty would have been slightly split. Maybe before she would have felt like her sister needed to know that her future husband was Logan’s half brother. That West coming into the family had already effected the change that she was so afraid of. Maybe she would have wondered where her allegiance should lie, and she might have put it with her sister.

  But now. No, now she felt a burden of responsibility for what Logan had entrusted her with.

  Yes, part of it was that she had guessed. But she had guessed because of the intimacy that she felt with the man. Even before sex. And telling his secret felt like an abuse of that intimacy.

  She didn’t want that. She felt...oddly protective of him. He might be nearly ten years older than her, and a damn sight more experienced, but he felt like he was hers. In this regard, at least. And she wanted to protect him with all the snarling, feral allegiance that she felt to him.

  Theirs might not be the easiest of relationships. Just in that they still sniped at each other while they worked sometimes, and she pretended some nights that she was going to resist him, go to her own bed rather than going to his. She never did, though. She never did because she wanted too badly to be in his arms.

  And maybe it was even more special because of that. Because there were some hard, sharp edges, just like life itself.

  He was the strongest man she knew, and when he held her in the aftermath of the storm that inevitably erupted between them when they came together, he was gentle, his strength leashed as he cradled her like she was a precious thing.

  It made her want to protect him. To protect that part of him that she was pretty sure only she saw.

  The gentleness.

  She saw the rest, too.

  Stubbornness. Pride. He was the most hardheaded man in existence. A man who had grown up in the same town as his estranged family and never acknowledged them. A man who was content to let the people he was closest to in the world believe he didn’t know who his father was, while his father lived a short drive away.

  A man whose half brother was part of their family now, and he still wouldn’t budge on his stance.

  Yeah. She saw those parts of him clearly.

  And still, she felt loyalty to him. To his decisions about that whole thing.

  “I don’t know,” Pansy said. “Don’t you ever think that Hope Springs is kind of a magical world? And if we do the wrong thing we might...break it.”

  A deep sadness filled Rose. One she had difficulty identifying. “You got to change. You got to try something. Is it just because it’s Logan that I’m not allowed to? That you think me growing up might break it?”

  “I’m sorry,” Pansy said. “I don’t think anything I said came out right. Of course I don’t want you to not grow up. But yes, I guess it did catch me off guard that it was with him. Because he’s like a brother to me, but you are my sister.”

  “Logan is... He’s not like a brother to me,” she said, staring out the window as the trees blurred into a green indistinct shape.

  “Well, obviously.”

  “No. I mean... I don’t know what he is. But he’s always been more to me. Different to me. It’s not like I had a crush on him or anything. I didn’t.” No, the way that she felt for him couldn’t be called a crush. “Sometimes I think he’s like the other part of me. The way we work together... It’s like two sets of hands. And he’s always driven me crazy like no one else ever has. I can feel it. When he’s mad at me. When I annoy him, I can feel little prickles of irritation coming off him in waves. I’ve always thought it was funny. So, I try to do it more. And when we are together...” She started breathing a little bit faster, embarrassment and excitement warring within her. “It’s like I feel what he’s feeling, and when we’re together like that...”

  “Oh, no,” Pansy breathed.

  “What?”

  “I think you’re in love with him.”

  Fear grabbed hold of Rose and twisted her heart. Hard. “I’m not,” she said.

  “Yeah, that sounds like love to me, Rose. Sorry.”

  “I don’t love him. I mean, I do love him. But I’m not... I’m not in love with him. I don’t... I’m twenty-three.”

  “So what?”

  “I haven’t even ever thought about being in love. I never dreamed about it or fantasized about it or even wanted it.”

  “Because you had it. Already.”

  She felt like a big crack had just been wedged into her chest, each word of her sister’s expanding it.

  “I’ve never thought about getting married or having babies or any of that.”

  “You don’t have to. I’m just... I’m sorry. I’ve made a really big mess of this. If you’re not ready to think about it that way, then don’t.”

  “How did you get from it
’s not a good idea to you’re in love with him?”

  “Because if you’re in love with him it changes everything. Because then you fight for it, Rose. You fight for it, and you don’t worry about what your stupid older sister says. And you don’t worry about whether or not it makes sense. Or whether or not it might hurt. You fight for love.”

  “Did you?”

  “With myself,” Pansy said. “And West fought for it. He showed me that I could, too. That I needed to. I was afraid. Really afraid. Because everything we’ve been through hurt so much. And...” She laughed. “I guess I’m still a little bit afraid. Look at how I freaked out about you and Logan. You’re right. I let myself have love, and then I worried about you. About maybe it being a little bit too much happiness for all of us. But we can’t stay stuck where we’re at. Everything does have to change. I mean, look at Ryder and Sammy.”

  Rose nodded slowly. “Sure.”

  “Did I freak you out?”

  “Yeah, this whole episode kind of freaked me out. Thank God we got twenty bags of chips.”

  “I mean, I always feel thankful for chips. Empty calories can fill a lot of voids.”

  She nodded and tried to laugh. Because they were back at the house, and she didn’t need to be looking shell-shocked. Even though she kind of felt like it. When they walked into the house, Logan was sitting there in the living room with Colt and Jake.

  Their eyes caught for a moment, and she knew there was nothing she could do. And anyway, it didn’t matter, because she was caught up in bear hugs from her cousins, and even one from their friend.

  “Hey, squirt,” Jake said to Pansy.

  Pansy was the smallest, even though she wasn’t the youngest, and she knew that their cousins liked to harass her about it. “I’ll tase your ass,” she said, poking Jake in the ribs.

  “Rude,” he said.

  “You’re always rude,” Pansy said. “Why can’t I be rude?”

  “Why don’t you go out and help us bring chips and drinks in,” Rose said. “Instead of just being a useless jerk.”

  And they did. And she was able to push her feelings about Logan from her mind. Because all of this felt familiar. It felt good to have a full house.

  Fuller even than normal.

  Ryder and Sammy were here, of course. Then there was Iris, Pansy, West, his half brother Emmett and the rodeo boys.

  It was customary for them to all bring their presents and dump them under the tree at this point, and everyone had done so. Rose felt bad because she didn’t have anything yet. She had been way too wrapped up in the newness of her relationship with Logan.

  There were gifts beginning to collect under the tree. Logan hadn’t brought any because he never did. He never, ever participated in opening presents on Christmas. Never gave any and never wanted to receive any. But she wanted so badly to give him something, and she didn’t know if it was the right thing to do.

  She began to obsess about it. Got consumed by it. She downed half a bag of chips without even enjoying it.

  She loved having everyone home. She really did. She was annoyed with herself, beyond annoyed that she was obsessing about Logan. And the fact that they couldn’t just sit together. That she couldn’t just ask him about the present. That she didn’t know how to interact with him in front of everybody without giving them away. And that she wasn’t sure she even wanted to, because it felt stupid to be near him and not be able to touch him.

  It felt stupid to be hiding like this. Except, if everybody knew, then they would just react like Pansy. And it was maybe even dumber to let everybody know what was happening, because it wasn’t like...

  She thought of her own words.

  To what end?

  They had quit thinking about that. Or, at least she had. She had shunted it off to the side, but the whole conversation with Pansy had brought her back around to it.

  The idea that she might have feelings for him that she didn’t want.

  The idea that when things ended between them it would ruin the family.

  And if both of those things were true... And what would it do to her?

  She squeezed her eyes shut, and they felt scratchy and painful. So did her lungs. So did her heart.

  After dinner they all went into the living room and ate pie, and she knew that she should be comforted by all of the talking and laughing going on around her.

  But she was just... She was just so preoccupied.

  Suddenly, the hair on her arm stood on end, and she looked and saw that Logan was watching her. Coming closer to her. She shifted uncomfortably, and then he sat down next to her on the couch.

  “What are you doing?” she asked, keeping her voice low. No one was watching them.

  “I’m sitting next to you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I haven’t talked to you all night. And I don’t like it.”

  She blushed. She could feel it. Could feel it flooding her cheeks, making her feel hot. “Yeah, but...”

  “It isn’t normal for me to not talk to you,” he said, his voice full of gravity.

  “Yeah, I guess not.”

  “Have you done all your Christmas shopping yet?”

  “No,” she said. His bringing up Christmas shopping made her feel hopeful about her plans. “I’ve been busy.”

  The corner of his mouth tipped up into a lopsided grin, and it seemed like it lifted her insides right along with it. “With what?”

  “My boss has been riding me really hard.”

  She couldn’t resist smiling at her own joke, and he shook his head, his expression grave. “Really?”

  “Well, I haven’t really had occasion to make a joke like that before.”

  For a second they were just sitting there, smiling at each other. Then she had a feeling that if anyone were to look over now, they weren’t doing the most convincing job of seeming...normal. Her breath caught, and he shifted, brushing against her slightly. Her heart started to beat harder. Even in a room full of her family, being near him like this turned her on. It was a marvel to her that she hadn’t realized before how beautiful he was.

  That she hadn’t been obsessed with his looks every moment of every day since they’d first met. Suddenly, she couldn’t even remember how she’d seen him before. It was like another lifetime, that moment when she had felt like the blue in his eyes had changed. Now it was like they’d always been this way. This blue. That sliced through her protective walls and reached the very center of her soul.

  That captivated her and held her in place. That compelled her to get closer to him. To press her mouth against his.

  “Break it up, you two.”

  They jerked away from each other and both turned toward the sound of the admonishment. It was Ryder, who was clearly kidding, and was obviously not paying all that much attention to what was really happening between them.

  “We were just talking about when we should actually do Christmas presents. Since I think West and Pansy are going to be on their honeymoon on Christmas.”

  “Why don’t we open presents after the wedding?” Pansy asked.

  “Won’t you be doing your wedding presents and having your reception?”

  “Yeah,” she said. “But we’re the ones getting married on Christmas Eve. And anyway, it’s mostly family that’s coming.”

  She felt Logan stiffen just slightly beside her. No one else would notice, but of course she did.

  Of course. Family. Family would include West’s family.

  Logan’s family. He didn’t do Christmas morning, but he did often come and have Christmas dinner with them, and it would mean a lot of...well, a lot of Daltons around.

  “I think it sounds great,” Ryder said. “A great big family Christmas get-together.”

  “Yeah, thankfully Tammy Dalton is helping with the food,” Iris said. “It’s
nice to have another set of hands.”

  “My sisters-in-law will bring things, too,” West said. “My half sister not so much. McKenna doesn’t cook. And she was furious at the implication she ought to get involved in that kind of women’s work.”

  She knew no one could see right between herself and Logan. And she found herself moving her hand to touch his. He looked over at her. Her lips twitched. He seemed to understand.

  That she was offering comfort. That she was trying to make sure he knew that she cared.

  Yeah. The things that Pansy had been worried about seemed pretty valid right now. Because the whole orientation of the room seemed different. She was rooted to Logan’s side, and everything that Pansy was talking about in regards to her wedding seemed to matter the very most to her in terms of how they touched the man by her side.

  “I’m going to make the wedding cake,” Iris said. “And I have huge plans for it.” She sounded excited, genuinely excited. And then she saw the light in her sister’s eyes get even brighter. “Hey, bachelors,” she said.

  Colt and Jake looked up. Rose felt somewhat...pleased that Logan didn’t.

  “Yes?” Jake asked.

  “I’ve been thinking about...things. Like what I want to do with my life.”

  “Oh, so only small stuff, then,” Colt said.

  “Right,” Iris responded. “Anyway, I want to do something with cooking, and I was wondering how much guys like you might pay for home-cooked meals.”

  “Well,” Jake responded, “I get your home-cooked meals for free.”

  “But if you didn’t?”

  “I’d definitely pay for them.”

  “I thought you were thinking about the bakery?” Rose asked.

  “It won’t be enough,” Iris said, “not at first. But cooking is what I do, so I don’t see why I can’t find a way to make all my strengths support each other.”

  And suddenly, things with the world seemed a little bit more right. Because she hadn’t helped Iris at all with her meddling. But it looked like Iris was going to help herself.

  And it made Rose a little bit sad that yet again, she hadn’t been all that helpful, and if anything she had potentially caused harm. But it didn’t really matter how Iris found happiness, as long as she did. Maybe she’d been wrong to assume that her sister needed romance to find happiness.