"Thank you," I said. “And no. I will ask my question of him first.”
Fighting the tightness in my chest, I tried to keep it off my face.
If I was going to do this, I wanted it over with. Fast.
Leaving the door of the security booth, Tenzi walked directly to the next door along the hall.
I felt my jaw clench as I remembered again who sat on the other side of that door. I hadn't actually seen Ditrini since I'd left the City. Even there, I hadn’t seen him in the weeks before Revik and the others came for me. I hadn’t seen him since that morning, when Voi Pai took me out of that room next to his bedroom in the City’s slave quarters. They'd had to work to wake me up...or so Ulai told me later...and two of them carried me out since he'd doped me up on painkillers after beating me until I couldn't walk.
Shoving the images out of my mind, I felt my hands start to sweat.
Revik aside, I wasn't sure if I was ready for this, truthfully.
Tenzi handed me his headset, flicking it on before he passed it over to me. He watched me fit it over my ear, his hand on the L-shaped handle as he waited for Garend to finish cueing up the machines in the booth before I entered. My hands shook as I finished with the headset. I pretended not to notice, even as I felt Tenzi's eyes following their motion, his expression taut, his skin paler than I’d ever seen it.
I felt as much as heard it when Garend disengaged the locks from inside the security booth.
"Ready, Esteemed Bridge," Tenzi said.
His words held a near-question at the end.
My jaw clenched. Without my meaning it to, my voice turned harsh.
"Open it," I said.
HE DIDN’T LOOK up right away, meaning when the door first opened.
It gave me a few seconds to look him over...and maybe to prepare for this, as much as I could prepare myself, anyway.
I could see right off that he'd been drugged. I could see the difference even past those eerie silver eyes of his, eyes that had always been difficult for me to read. I'd seen him drunk plenty of times, sure. In fact, I'd probably seen him drunk more often than sober, in terms of actual percentages, but then, I never saw him at work, only when he returned from it.
But that was a little too much memory.
It made the rest of it seem more real, not less.
Lost there, for a few seconds at least, I remembered a different life, and maybe a different me. I'm not sure who I'd been when I lived in the Forbidden City, but I knew that version of me had her emotions muted down to the lowest setting possible, at least whenever I could. To say I'd been unhappy didn't capture it. To say I'd been lonely didn't cover it, either.
I'd been dead inside. Like the walking dead, only a lot sadder whenever I sat still long enough for those feelings to surface.
I got up in the morning looking forward to one thing, and only that thing...infiltration classes. I’d tried to convince myself that infiltration would be the thing to climb me out of that fucked up hole where I felt trapped, where I slowly suffocated, watching the rest of me die. I tried to convince myself that if I got good enough, I'd never had to do this kind of work again.
If I got good enough, people like Ditrini couldn't touch me.
I fought that out of my mind, too, and my light.
Even now, it was hard to remember he wouldn't be able to read me in here.
I shoved past that fear, angry at myself for even entertaining it.
I tried again to assess his mental state objectively. Collared. Probably pissed off, although I couldn't feel that in his light, not yet. I knew even if he was, it would come out twisted and sideways anyway, like everything with him. Whatever they had him on, it made him look different than drunk, softening the edges of his light in a way alcohol never managed to do. I wasn't keen on getting very close, but I grazed the very edges of his aleimi with mine.
Nothing. Zilch.
I'd expected that, but it reminded me again who I was dealing with. I'd never been told Ditrini's exact sight rank, but I knew it was high. In the City, I remembered thinking that it was like dealing with Balidor if he suddenly turned into an alcoholic sociopath.
Of course, Ditrini had that Lao Hu connection over me, too.
Touching the headset, I used the link and my mind to ping Tenzi.
I won’t be here long, I told him. But feed me anything you see...
Very good, Esteemed Bridge.
I felt the relief in his light, but I didn't have time to dwell on that, either.
Ditrini had noticed me. Or at least, he'd noticed that someone had entered the room.
When he realized it was me standing there, he broke out in an overjoyed laugh. The sound made me flinch, just as it had those weeks I'd lived with him in the fortress of the Lao Hu. The sheer triumph in his eyes made me nauseous, even without the laugh.
“Gods! D'lanlente a guete..." he said in accented Prexci, his deep voice as harsh as ever, even with the drugs. "Gods! Take off your clothes, precious...gods, please, take them off...”
I winced, taking a step back.
“...Gods, Alyson! Precious girl...my precious girl!”
I felt my stomach trying to crawl up somewhere to meet the back of my throat. Everything in me recoiled, to the point where I couldn’t look at him. I held up a hand, as if to shield myself from him, or maybe his light. I wondered what in the hell I thought I was doing, coming in here. What deluded part of me thought I could ask any kind of question of Ditrini and actually get a remotely illuminating answer?
“Gods, girl...come here girl. Please. I’ll give you anything...just let me see you. Let me see my property again, please...”
I looked at him that time, almost involuntarily.
His pants strained against the erection I could see, but his eyes were same, hard, mercury orbs, filled with a kind of manic light, a light I remembered, too, even through the drugs currently altering their focus. I felt sick again, almost light-headed, and the feeling wasn’t only rage. I hated what looking at him forced me to remember. I hated how I could see myself in his eyes, how he could make me see the way he saw me.
Trying to push it out of my light, I looked towards the window even as Tenzi and Garend’s presence immediately surrounded me.
...Are you okay, Esteemed Bridge? Tenzi asked, sounding worried. Do you want us to come in there to get you?
No, I sent. I flinched, feeling a dense coil of Ditrini’s light. No...I won’t be in here long...
Are you sure? Garend sent.
I’m sure...thank you. It’s all right...
I felt Garend acknowledge my words, albeit reluctantly.
Record everything, I sent to them. ...Every second. I want the others to look this over when I'm done. Including Revik...and Balidor, when he gets back...
What the hell, I thought. There was no way I was keeping this visit a secret anyway.
I was rewarded by relieved pulses from both Tenzi and Garend's light. I think I'd finally convinced them this wasn't some kind of suicide mission or a 'screw you, Revik,' for something personal going on between us.
Seers and their relationship issues. Jesus.
Tenzi sent me a reassuring pulse. We're recording, he confirmed to me. And I'm right outside the door, Esteemed Bridge. Garend can handle the control booth...and I just got word that Anale will be coming back down soon..."
I nodded in acknowledgement. Great. Thanks.
I gave the mirror another reassuring smile. Only after I felt Tenzi relax slightly from his position by the door, did I turn to face the Lao Hu infiltrator. Once I had, I saw Ditrini staring at my body, studying the length of me with those dead, silver eyes. Before I could speak, I felt a hard coil of pain leave his light. He shifted in his seat, pulling on me harder with his aleimi, wincing through the current of the collar as he fought against it.
"You're not wearing a bra," he observed, gasping a little against the collar. "Was that for me, precious? Gods...I missed you so much..."
I folded my arms, stari
ng at him without changing expression. I had no intention of sitting in the chair across from him, or even getting any closer to him than I was now. I didn’t much give a damn what he read into that, when it came down to it.
“Ditrini,” I said. “I will leave here in two seconds, after I ask my question, unless I get something that approximates an answer. Two seconds. Do you hear me?”
"You came to see me, precious girl," he said, panting against the collar. "I am overcome. Please come closer to me...please...precious girl..."
Even with him chained, even hating that I did it, I found myself stepping back instead, folding my arms tightly across my chest. Ignoring his words to me, I met his gaze.
"Here is my question, Ditrini," I said. "Remember. Two seconds.”
"Anything, my precious girl...anything at all." Still fighting the collar, he leaned back in the chains, enough that I realized he'd been straining against them since he saw me standing near the door. His eyes flickered over me again. "...But you know the price, of course, my love...you know the price. You know how badly I want you to pay it..."
He inclined his head towards his own crotch, not taking his eyes off me.
I felt my jaw harden. "Ditrini. Did you or anyone in the Lao Hu put anything in my light during one of the bonding sessions...” I gritted my teeth. “...Or any other time? Blocks? Any kind of tracer? Something that could be interfering with my aleimi still?”
His smile widened, even as I felt another pulse of pain leave his light. He was looking at my body again, remembering things loudly enough that it had to be deliberate.
"Gods, I want to fuck you...I want to fuck you so badly...”
I felt my face and body tense more.
Without thought, I turned around, walking towards the door.
“Wait!” he called out. “Wait! Don’t go!”
“I don’t hear you answering my question,” I said, pausing with my fingers resting on the L-shaped handle. “I told you, Ditrini...two seconds...you’re already over that.”
His eyes turned shrewd when I glanced back at him. I could see him trying to think past the drugs, to decide what to say to get me to not leave. That clenched feeling in my throat worsened. I gripped the door handle tighter, when he spoke up.
“What sort of...things...Esteemed Bridge?” he said.
I didn’t turn that time. “The question was clear, Ditrini. Answer it.”
Another coil of pain left his light. “Do you mean like when I had my infiltration team take turns trying to get into your light?” he said. “Those kinds of...things...Esteemed Bridge?”
A pain hit my chest, and suddenly, I was having trouble seeing him.
Only after a few long-seeming seconds into that, did I realize my eyes were glowing. I gripped the handle of the door while Ditrini let out a rolling chuckle. I don’t think I’d tried to open it, but the door opened anyway, from the other side.
Tenzi stood there, his face white as chalk, his hand on his gun.
“...Do you mean the night where I invited your infiltration class over for supper?” Ditrini called out, another coil of pain leaving him. “You remember, don’t you, love. I invited their fathers, too. And my guards, those two Wvercians. I think it was very educational for your young friends...don’t you...?”
By then I was already having to fight to pull back my light.
Barely seeing Tenzi, I walked past him. I stopped only once, before Tenzi would have closed the door, staring back at Ditrini, and for the barest instant, all of those images I'd fought out of my mind and light came back, enough that the coil of nausea in my gut sharpened to a sharper pain, blanking out my mind.
I remembered fantasizing about killing him, spending hours on the details, wondering if the repercussions would be worth it, pretty much every second he had me uncollared. A few times I thought it would be worth it, even if they made me a slave of the Lao Hu indefinitely.
Even if they beat me for weeks afterwards.
I remembered talking myself out of it, telling myself that there would be other Ditrinis, that if I could just survive this one, I could earn my life back...that they couldn't hold me forever. I told myself it couldn't go on like that forever, that Voi Pai would have to intervene.
As I stared at him now, though, I found my mind going there again.
Before I’d really let myself think about it, I grabbed the gun out of Tenzi’s hand.
I had it pointed at the Lao Hu seer almost before I knew what I intended. The pain that came off the seer that time had me cocking the gun, clenching my jaw so hard it hurt.
"That turns you on?" I said, my voice shaking. "The prospect of your imminent death turns you on? Really?"
His eyes held more of that pain when they met mine.
"It's nice to know you still care, precious," he said.
“Did you put anything in my light, Ditrini?” I said, my voice a growl that time. “What possible benefit is there, in not telling me now? Just tell me. Tell me the truth...”
“If I tell you everything now,” he said. “Why would you come visit me again, my darling?”
“Why would I if you don’t?” I snapped.
“I didn’t put anything in your light precious...nothing apart from me, that is. And the light of all of my friends...”
Shoving aside the images he sent me, I bit my lip until I tasted blood. “You didn’t? Nothing that would block my sight? Nothing that would keep me from seeing Shadow?”
“Why would I want to keep you from seeing my master, precious?” he said. “Why would I do that? When he wants nothing but for you to see him...”
He smiled at me, and again I felt that flicker of separation pain around him.
I felt something else, too, something more subtle, that I couldn’t put my finger on well enough to identify. I didn’t want to get close enough to examine it in his light, either...in fact, knowing him, that hint of a secret held back was nothing more than a ruse so I would read him, luring me closer to his light. He played those kinds of games all the time in the City. Thinking about this, I felt my jaw harden more.
There was no point in keeping him alive. None whatsoever. If I didn’t shoot him now, I could never come back down here, in any case. Not with how easily I might lose control of my light, kill him anyway, and maybe Tenzi and Garend too, or Balidor, if I lost control.
For a long moment, I just stood there, the gun pointed at him.
Knowing I should pull the trigger. Knowing, too, that no one would stop me.
Turns out, I couldn’t murder even Ditrini in cold blood, though.
Unable to decide if that was a relief or if it pissed me off, I lowered the gun to my side, feeling my body shake. Ditrini laughed when I did it, his silver eyes sparkling.
“I love you too, precious,” he said. “I love you...so much. You have no idea how hard I am, knowing how close you came. I saw it in your eyes, precious. I saw that fire, I know you wanted it. You wanted it so badly, as bad as I did, my precious girl...”
Grimacing, I handed the gun back to Tenzi. When I did, I noticed Anale standing behind me for the first time, too. She had a gun in her hand, as well. When I met her eyes, she aimed the weapon meaningfully at the Lao Hu infiltrator’s head, her mouth a hard line in her face.
“Want me to do it, Esteemed Bridge?” she said softly, her eyes cold. “It would be my pleasure, I assure you. An honor, if it’s on your behalf...one I would treasure.”
I had to think about her words for a few seconds more.
Then I shook my head, refusing to look back at the Lao Hu seer.
“Just get me out of here,” I told them. “Now, please.”
12
SEERS
REVIK’S LIGHT TENTATIVELY touched the outline of the other man's as he sat there, staring at the floor of the hotel room Jon had once shared with Dorje. Revik himself had only been in the room once before, at least while Dorje had been alive.
Even then, Dorje hadn't been enthusiastic about Revik's visit.
Also, he'd never really forgiven Revik for his interactions with Jon in the tank.
Revik tried apologizing, hoping to smooth things over. He could tell it hadn't done a lot of good, not even after he let Dorje far enough into his light that the other seer should have felt his sincerity. Of course, by then, Wreg's fixation complicated everything.
It made sense to Revik, even at the time, that Dorje would blame him in part for the Wreg thing, too.
After all, Wreg only came there to find Revik in the first place.
It was still strange to think that the Tibetan-looking seer had been an agent of Shadow all that time. Glancing around the dimly-lit room with its closed, heavy curtains and dirty-looking gold carpet, Revik sighed. This room still felt like it housed the dead.
He wasn’t sure how much good he was doing Jon right now, anyway.
His sympathy for the other man was real. He just wasn't sure if any of his words actually penetrated that mask Jon wore. Worse, Revik found he had started repeating himself, which probably wasn’t going to get him anywhere, either.
"He didn't know you then, Jon," Revik reminded him, repeating himself anyway. "He'd met you...what? Once? In a hotel corridor in New Delhi?”
“I met him in D.C....” Jon muttered, but Revik only gave a dismissive wave.
“My point is, back then, he'd been so buried in the Dreng's light there was no way he would have been able to even see you clearly..." Revik folded his hands, again looking into the other man's face. "...I wasn't myself back then, either. Neither was Allie, if you want to get technical, and I know for a fact she only did that whole thing to humor me, and to get me to trust her."
Allie's War Season Three Page 105