‘Good.’ Completely monosyllabic. Completely rude. Told you I was all talked out.
‘Good session for you?’ he sounds curious.
‘Yeah,’ I take a couple of steps away from him as if I’m about to head off back to the yurt, but then remember the look on his face at the end of the secrets exercise. ‘How about you? You must have done it a few times before?’
‘Once or twice,’ he says, catching up with me. ‘I’ve done Lizzie’s sessions every time I’ve been here. Trust me, that’s a lot of sessions.’
‘So, do you tell the same secret over and over again?’ A stock secret would be very handy, and not so hard to share after the first time, I guess.
‘No. No, there’s usually something new, or at least a new aspect of something I need to share that my partner draws out of me.’
‘Emma draw anything interesting out?’ I ask. I’m not sure I believe him, if I’m honest.
‘That’d be telling, wouldn’t it?’
His words might be flippant, but a troubled look crosses his face. So, that’s a yes.
‘What about you, Tori?’
‘Like I said, it was good.’
‘Which bit, the listening or the sharing?’
‘Both. Surprising. But that’s all I’m saying.’
Bay frowns and lifts a hand irritably to brush his hair back off his face. He looks uncomfortable, like there’s something really bothering him.
Behind us, I can hear the rest of the group emerging from the classroom, a tide of eager chatter following them into the sunlit courtyard. Bay opens his mouth as if he’s about to share something with me.
‘Tori! Wait up!’ Than’s voice causes me to whirl around. As he jogs up next to me, I hastily plaster on a smile. Behind me, Bay lets out a huff and starts to walk away.
‘What’s up with him?’ asks Than.
I shrug. My brain’s full enough after that session without adding Bay’s worries to the pile. ‘No idea! Come on, let’s go make a start on supper.’
Chapter 12
Your Body, the Storyteller
‘When you start your healing process, you can work on your head all you want, but the key to success lies in working with your whole body. Get it moving and unlock those stored emotions.’
©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com
*
‘Hey, everyone!’ Claire smiles around at us all.
It’s our first yoga session this morning, and I’m desperately trying to send her telepathic messages, begging her not to torture me on my first time. I know bending and stretching is meant to be good for you, I’m just not sure how bendy and stretchy I feel right now.
I actually slept really well last night. After Lizzie’s session, I have to admit my mind was reeling and I was dreading going back to the yurt and just lying there in the dark while my brain replayed everything we’d talked about in the session. As it turns out, volunteering to make a start on supper was the best thing I could have done. At first, I was worried that Than would want to carry on talking about what we’d been discussing in the session, but he was way more interested in messing around. After about five minutes Moth joined us, and we didn’t get into anything heavier than speculating about how hard Claire’s first yoga session was going to be.
The light conversation with everyone over dinner meant that I didn’t have to say much of anything, but with Than sitting on one side, giving me the occasional wink and nudge, and Moth nattering on about knitting on my other side, I felt warm and content in a way that I haven’t for a long time. I wandered back to the yurt with Bay fairly early, leaving another shift of willing volunteers on washing-up duty. Bay was quiet too, and after the bare minimum of chat, and a last-minute cuddle with Dennis, I fell asleep before I’d even registered I was in bed.
‘Right,’ says Claire, ‘before any of you start to worry, this session might be called “yoga” on the timetable, but you can forget all about those showy- offy poses you’ve seen online. We’re looking at gentle movement to get in touch with our bodies. A chance to find out where we might be tight and caught up, where the aches and pains are. The last thing we want to be doing is adding to them!’
I let out a long breath of relief. That sounds just about manageable. I’m sitting on my borrowed mat that smells like a hundred strangers’ feet, surrounded by the rest of the group. I tried to get a spot at the back of the room, but everyone else had the same idea, and Geoff, Sam and Emma beat me to it. So I’ve set up as close to the side wall as possible, right in front of Emma, with Doreen by my side. I’m so grateful that she nabbed that spot before Than could. The last thing I need while I’m trying not to seize up is to be worrying what I look like. He’s set up his mat directly in front of me instead.
‘Now, some of you will be more flexible than others, but just do what feels good for you. The most important thing is that you don’t compare yourself to anyone else – either in the room or out of it. This is all about your personal journey, and no two sessions will feel the same.’
Turns out, I love every second of it once I manage to forget about the others around me – which isn’t that easy, as Doreen spends most of the session giggling from one gentle pose to the next. Her balance is appalling – even worse than mine. I know I’m meant to be fully engrossed in what I’m doing to the exclusion of everything else, but it’s harder than it sounds when the person next to you periodically overbalances so badly that she hops onto your mat with you.
Than peeps over his shoulder at me a couple of times, but I’m too focused on what I’m doing to pay much attention to anything else. Every stretch and release, the curve of my spine and the feeling of my skin and muscles relaxing into the floor is new to me. I almost feel drunk with the sensations.
On the couple of occasions I look around the room while trying to get my balance back, it’s Moth that really catches my eye. Claire wasn’t joking when she said that some people might be more flexible than others. Moth takes this to the next level. She’s moving like a dancer, graceful and full of energy. Her whole body seems to flow, and the positions she’s getting herself into would be jaw-dropping for a twenty-year-old, let alone someone of her age. I make a mental note to ask her about it when I get the chance.
By the end of the session, I’m so relaxed that my entire body seems to be tingling. I’m not tired, just . . . chilled.
‘I’m starving,’ says Geoff from the back row as we all clap for Claire.
‘You’re always starving!’ Doreen laughs as she rolls her mat up.
‘It’s all this exercise and fresh air we’re getting!’ he says. ‘Swimming yesterday, yoga today. Walking back and forth to the cabin. I’m going to be like a rake by the time we get home.’ He pats his stomach and Doreen chuckles.
I straighten up from rolling my mat and catch Than watching me, a smirk on his face.
‘What?’ I say, self-consciously.
‘Enjoy that?’ he asks.
I nod.
‘It was brilliant, wasn’t it?’ says Doreen. ‘Nice to have the chance to be able to join in without being out of my depth in the first couple of minutes.’
‘I bet,’ says Than.
Doreen just smiles at him, but I swear I hear a little growl from Geoff’s direction. I turn to look at him but he’s already making his way towards Bay, who’s standing over by the door. It must have been my overactive imagination.
‘Shall we go make a start on lunch then?’ I ask the other two to break the tension that seems to have popped up out of nowhere. I don’t want to lose my relaxed feeling so soon.
‘We don’t have to,’ says Than indignantly. ‘We did the food last night.’
‘Yeah, but I enjoyed it,’ I say.
‘Okay, come on then. Let’s go recreate the magic.’ Than links arms with me and hauls me towards the door, away from Doreen and the others.
*
As it turns out, I do have fun getting the lunch ready with Than at the little outdoor cooking station. Beardy Weirdy joi
ns us and then Moth rocks up again too.
‘You know, we’re going to have to watch out that we don’t get lumbered with all the kitchen duties!’ Than says as he passes a huge stack of plates over to Moth.
‘Oh, I hope I do!’ Moth laughs. ‘You know, all the best parties happen in the kitchen . . . even an outdoor one like this.’
‘Hear hear!’ says Beardy as he tosses a green salad with gusto.
I grab a handful of cutlery and follow Moth to the table. ‘You know, that’s the first time I’ve ever done yoga,’ I say.
‘Did you like it?’ she asks, straightening up and looking at me.
‘I did – after I’d finished checking out what everyone else was up to, and worrying that I was getting it all wrong. I felt . . . well . . . like it gave my brain a chance to slow down for a bit.’
Moth smiles. ‘That’s wonderful, Tori! And don’t worry about having a look around you, everyone does it. It’s just human nature to be curious.’
‘I suppose,’ I say, feeling a little bit less awkward about the fact that I’ve clocked how bendy she is.
‘You should see some of the classes I go to,’ she says as she starts to arrange plates down the opposite side of the table. ‘Some of the women spend more time looking over their shoulders than worrying about what they’re doing with their own bodies. It’s sad really.’
‘I thought you must have done other classes!’ I say, then realize that I’ve just outed myself for spying on her. ‘I’m sorry, I promise I wasn’t staring – I just couldn’t help but notice how beautifully you move.’
Oh. My. God. That might just be the most awkward thing I’ve ever said to a stranger.
Moth, however, is beaming at me. ‘That’s such a lovely thing to say, thank you! I do love a good yoga class – it keeps me in touch with what’s going on in my body. I used to dance a lot, but . . . but not so much now.’ She trails off, looking a little bit wistful.
‘What kind of dancing?’ I ask.
‘Argentinean tango.’
‘Seriously?’ I gasp, struggling to imagine this silver-haired seventy-something with her hand-knits in the middle of a smouldering tango.
‘Oh yes. It was the second love of my life,’ she smiles, ‘after my husband. And it was something we loved to do together.’
‘But you stopped?’
‘I lost Fred three years ago,’ she says, and calmly sets the last plate in its place.
My breath catches. ‘Oh, Moth, I’m really sorry.’
She just shakes her head. ‘Don’t be. We had a wonderful life together. And I’ve been coming here twice a year ever since, so I’ve done a lot of work around my loss. But . . . I haven’t been able to bring myself to dance with another partner. Not yet.’
‘Oi, you two slackers!’ Than appears, carrying the huge bowl of salad Beardy has prepared. ‘Are you going to help or leave it all up to me?’
‘My fault!’ Moth smiles over at him. ‘Let’s get this lunch on the table.’
Chapter 13
Challenge Your Comfort Zones
‘To move forward and grow, we need to venture beyond our comfort zones. Yes, we are protected there, but we’re also cut off from all sorts of wonderful experiences and opportunities.’
©TheBeginnersGuideToLoneliness.com
*
It’s Ted’s turn to try to tame us this afternoon, though I reckon he’s got an easy session ahead of him, given how chilled we all are after the yoga class. It has turned into an absolutely gorgeous day, so, after lunch, we all troop through to the apple orchard and sit in a circle under the blossom.
‘I hope you don’t mind being outside,’ Ted smiles around at us all, ‘but when we’re given a day as glorious as this, why waste it inside?’
I smile and lift my face to the blue sky, sucking in a lungful of fresh air. I’m not sure whether Claire slipped something into our bottles of water after yoga this morning, but I’ve not felt this relaxed in ages. Considering that we’re about to have a session of group therapy with Ted, that’s a bit of a miracle. This sort of thing would normally have me tense enough to snap. But right now, what’s the point? I’m sitting comfortably in the long grass with Than on one side of me and Bay on the other.
‘Okay, so everyone’s here, that’s great.’ Ted beams. ‘It’s a simple session this afternoon. We’re going to spend a bit of time getting to know each other better as a group, and then we’re going to pair up to do some one-to-one sessions.’
Than nudges my elbow and grins at me. I smile back. I really want to get to know him better, but he doesn’t take these sessions as seriously as the others, and after this morning went so surprisingly well, I’m quite keen to give this wellbeing thing a real shot.
‘Now, don’t go jumping ahead of yourselves, worrying about the second part,’ says Ted, and I stiffen a bit. It’s like these guys can read my mind sometimes. I look up at him, but he’s not looking my way, so I don’t think that particular comment was aimed at me.
‘I know you did some partner work with Lizzie yesterday, sharing a secret. This afternoon is going to be about sharing one more thing, but this time, with the whole group. Remember, this needs to be about you. I want you to tell us about something that you feel holds you back in your day-to- day life. It can be anything.’
Suddenly, I’m not so relaxed. Share something with the whole group? Whatever I say, I’m not going to come out of it looking too great, am I? I sneak a quick, worried look around the circle and almost let out a laugh. Every single one of us, including old-hands Bay and Moth, are shifting uncomfortably. There’s a lot of fiddling with nails and scratching of beards going on.
‘Anyone want to go first?’ Ted asks gently.
‘Me.’ It’s Sam, looking rather surprised at the sound of his own voice.
‘Well done, Sam.’ Ted nods encouragingly at him. ‘So, tell us something that you feel holds you back.’
Emma looks at her young husband with worried eyes.
‘Well, erm . . . I dunno if this is the kind of thing . . . if this is right . . . but, it’s like, every day I’m worried that I’m not perfect.’ Sam’s eyes are on the ground, and he’s ripping up handfuls of grass.
Worried he’s not perfect? Who is? I feel Than nudge my arm, but I ignore his quiet invitation to mock the others like we did last time. I might not quite get what Sam has just said, but even I can see that it took balls for him to say it.
Ted’s nodding at Sam, waiting for him to say something else, but when he doesn’t, Ted asks, ‘And how does this make you feel?’
Sam looks at him. ‘Scared. Scared that I’m not good enough. That . . . that . . . maybe Emma might see that I’m not perfect for her . . . that I might lose everything.’
Emma’s now got tears in her eyes and she’s shaking her head.
‘Well done, Sam. That’s a big thing to share with the group. We will do more work on everything that comes up today, but for now, just stating these things and bringing them out into the sunlight is a big enough step. Emma, Sam, you’ll get a chance to work together later, okay?’
They both nod, Sam’s staring hard at his mounting pile of grass. Emma quickly wipes her eyes with the back of her hand.
‘Who’d like to go next?’
‘I will,’ I say. Bay jumps a little next to me, obviously not expecting me to speak up so soon.
‘Great, Tori . . .’
‘There’s something that really holds me back. I suffer from potamophobia . . .’ I pause, looking to Ted for assistance.
‘And for the benefit of the rest of the group, are you able to explain what that is?’
‘Oh, of course,’ I say feeling a bit foolish. ‘It’s a fear of running water. Rivers . . . waterfalls . . . It’s been getting steadily worse over the last two years. If I go out, I have to plan around avoiding rivers. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal but . . . well, it can cause me to have pretty bad panic attacks. Anyway, that’s why I didn’t make it down to the river for the fir
st wild swim. I want to get over it, to face it . . . but . . . well . . . I’m sorry I bailed out without explaining why, but I’m just not ready.’
Ted nods at me. ‘Thanks for sharing that with us, Tori. And it’s important that you know – that you all know – working through issues takes time. It’s not like skydiving, pushing yourself out of a plane and bam, you’re there. It’s all about tiny steps, little victories, allowing you to take control of the things that are holding you back. Sometimes even the act of acknowledging that they exist is a big enough step to take. Yes, we’re here to take challenges and push ourselves, but we don’t want to break while doing it.’
‘I’m not brave.’ Doreen’s voice comes from the opposite side of the circle. ‘There are things I wish I could do, or say or put in action . . . and I just can’t make that first move.’
‘And how does that make you feel?’ asks Ted gently.
‘Stuck. Like a big, fat, stupid, stuck coward,’ Doreen growls.
I look at her in shock. She sounds so angry. Her face is white and set. I’m so surprised at Doreen’s revelation. She seems so comfortable in her own skin. So confident. But what she’s just said about herself is such a harsh image it almost feels like someone has torn the air out of our circle.
‘Doreen,’ says Ted calmly, ‘is there anything else you want to add?’
Doreen shakes her head glumly.
‘We’re going to keep going until everyone has shared, but we’re going to be working a lot on all of this, okay?’
Doreen nods once and sits staring at the grass. I want to rush over to her and wrap her in a hug, but maybe it’s a good thing I can’t – she looks like she could knock out a troll right now.
‘Can I go?’ asks Bay next to me.
Ted nods.
‘I’m realizing that I’m too quick to judge people. Too quick to form an opinion of them based on the tiniest snapshot of what I’ve seen. I let this get in the way of getting to know who they really are. I let it colour things.’ He huffs out an irritated breath. ‘I used to think this was a good thing. I prided myself on being a good judge of character . . . but, actually, it’s the opposite.’
The Beginner's Guide to Loneliness Page 10