Seeking Redemption

by Kylie Hillman

  Just.

  And that’s only because it’d be pretty hard to pull it off with one fucked-up arm. I also can’t afford to overstep my new position as Prospect, and I’m pretty sure that beating on the new Sergeant-At-Arms would do that.

  Instead, I let myself crack a smile when I picture slapping him while he’s taking a drink.

  “Tomorrow morning. Her Dad’s finally lifting the ban.” Maddi’s happy voice snaps me out of my daydreams of revenge.

  Andi’s words have been circulating my mind since we left the jewelry store. I’ve been trying to work out the best way to make everything up to Lacey, and most importantly, how to convince her that even after all of my comments to the contrary, I have feelings for her.

  After a lifetime as the guy only interested in getting it in, getting off, and then getting the fuck out, I had no idea where to start. Now the ban her family put on the Shamrocks has been lifted, visiting her at the rehab center her family sent her to, seems the best way to kick off my apologies.

  “What time?” I ask.

  Maddi spins on her heel to face the bar. Eyes widening when she sees me, her delight slips from her face.

  “Oh, Benj,” she begins. “I’m so sorry but Janet specifically said that you’re not welcome. She wouldn’t tell me why.”

  When Maddi mentions Lacey’s mom, my guilt at what I’ve done to Lacey tries to choke me. Fuck. I didn’t even think about her parents and what they’ll think about me. The small amount of hope that began to build when Maddi said we could see Lacey is crushed.

  How am I going to make things up to Lacey if she won’t let me see her?

  “Fuck!” I throw down my cleaning rag and stomp out from behind the bar. Still cursing, I move Maddi out of my way when she tries to stop me, sitting her down on Smoke’s lap so she won’t try to chase me. Kicking open the door that leads to the hallway that the bedrooms branch off from, I make it to my bedroom door before my temper cracks. I punch the wall next to the door with my broken arm. Once, twice, three times; I channel the pain that’s fucking with me through my fist and into the wall. Ignoring the pain that shoots up my arm, I hit the wall again.

  “Benji. Stop.” Maddi begs in a timid voice.

  I pause, looking between the wall and my twin. She’s freaking out. Looking as white as a ghost, she’s close to tears and shaking hard enough that I can see her trembling from where I’m standing. Fucking brilliant. Let’s add scaring my sister to the list of my latest transgressions.

  Pain pulsing up my wrist snaps me out of my rage. Turning my back to the wall I’ve just damaged, I slide down it until my ass hits the floor. Dropping my head into my hands, I pay no attention to the shards of burning agony that throb through my broken arm, as I stare at the floor.

  Maddi sits next to me, followed by Joel who’s been lured out of the room we share by the commotion I made. He flops to the floor heavily, his damaged leg and ruined hands not working quickly enough to cushion his descent to the floor.

  “You okay?” Timber asks. He must have followed Maddi when she came after me. Titling my head slightly, I spy Smoke, Matty and Lachie standing with him.

  “We’re fine,” she nudges my shoulder when she answers him, as if she’s daring me to argue the point. Joel snorts next to me so I turn my head and narrow my eyes at him. He shrugs without apology, rolling his eyes when I glare at him.

  “What?” he asks. “Not one of us is fine. Maddi’s fucked up and about to fall into a heap without Mad Dog to keep her head on straight. You’re about ten seconds from running out of here and shooting up so you can hide from everything that’s wrong with your life. I’m a fucking cripple who tried to kill himself a month ago, and Matty and Lachie have no fucking parents left now that Dad’s flipped his fucking lid and fucked off back to the farm. If that’s fine, I’d love to meet people with actual fucking problems.”

  “Joel,” Maddi begins to cry. “Please, not tonight.”

  I want to pull her to me. I want to offer her some support. But I can’t. I don’t have it in me. This is too much for me to deal with. Every single problem Joel just threw in our face can be blamed on me. I’m the catalyst for every single fucking thing that’s gone wrong and led us to this moment in time.

  “Fucking cut the shit, Mads. Let’s lay this out for everyone to hear.” He tries to wave his right hand in the direction of the crowd of Shamrocks who’ve funneled into the hall to watch the latest O’Brien family meltdown, but it doesn’t cooperate.

  “Do you think none of them have noticed that you’re not sleeping? That you’re losing weight? That you’re counting your steps so you only make an even number of them? That you flinch every time someone raises their voice or makes a sudden movement? Fuck me, Maddi, everyone’s tiptoeing around you because we’re a bunch of pussies who are too fucked up with our own shit to step into Mad Dog’s shoes and save you from yourself.”

  Maddi bursts into heart-wrenching sobs before she climbs unsteadily to her feet. Looking first at me and then Joel, she opens her mouth to speak, but closes it without a word. Still sobbing, she turns her back on us and runs for the room she usually shares with Mad Dog. The slamming of the door behind her echo’s down the hallway. JJ and Wendy try to follow her but can’t get past the locked door.

  With worry etched on their faces, they grab Matty and Lachie and drag them out of the hallway, back into the bar area.

  Tears stream down Joel’s face and he wipes them away with jagged movements. Evidently not satisfied with sending Maddi into hysterics, he points at me and sneers. “And you? You’re so afraid of facing Mom’s death and what happened to me and Maddi because of your fuck ups that you’re shooting crystal fucking meth up your arm so you can keep hiding from everything. You’ve fucked up your footy career. You can’t even be in the same room as Dad without looking like you want to murder him. And you nearly killed Lacey by dragging her into your shit. You need—”

  “Fuck you.” I yell at him, pushing to my feet. “I don’t need to listen to your shit.”

  Leaning down, I grab him by the front of his shirt and scream my frustrations in his face, “If you’d just stayed in the Compound instead of fucking off to school, they would’ve taken me. Not you. Then I’d be the fucker who was hurt and you’d be okay.”

  As I finish reminding Joel that he’s just as to blame for him getting hurt that day as I am, I hear Timber and a few of the others move closer to us. I throw him back against the wall, his head hitting it hard when he’s unable to stop the backward motion.

  Without warning, I lift my elbow and smash it into Timber’s face, catching him off-guard. I was flat and lacking in energy for most of the day, but the new adrenaline coursing through my veins right now is enough for me to knock Timber on his ass when he tries to grab me in a bear hug. I punch Smoke in the face with a short, sharp jab and then push my way through the rest of the fuckers standing in my way.

  Barging into the bar, I pretend that I can’t see the shock on my little brothers’ face. I’m single-minded in my determination to get the fuck out of here. Everything in my life is fucked. It’s impossible for me to make amends with Lacey. Joel’s made it clear that there will be no redemption between me and my family. The only thing left for me is the one thing that’s made it all bearable up to this point.

  I need a hit.

  I need more than a hit.

  I need the sweet oblivion of getting higher than a kite.

  I need to forget about every single person I care about. Caring has only ever brought me pain. Mom’s death taught me that the hard way.

  I need absolute, ice-cold numbness. The type that never thaws. The kind that brings complete emotional paralysis.

  These thoughts enter my mind in a split second and any doubt I had about running from my family is squashed. Grabbing the keys to the Club’s van, I don’t acknowledge Wendy’s desperate calls for me to stop as I shove open the door to the exit.

  “Benjamin, don’t do it,” she calls after me one last time.<
br />
  The door’s still swinging shut as I pull myself into the driver’s seat of the van.

  Wheels screaming, I reverse it out of its spot too fast, hitting one of the bikes that’s parked near the door. My arm’s screaming in agony but I don’t heed its warning as I spin the steering wheel and drive out of the gates of the Compound.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  LACEY

  Present Day

  “God, it’s been a long time since I was here,” I tell Maddi as I look around the bar of the Clubhouse. The feeling of coming home that’s settling in my soul tells me that I’ve made the right choice by coming here today.

  “Over three months,” she replies, following my gaze around the empty bar.

  Once she’s settled herself onto the bar stool next to mine, she smiles at me. Her big toothy grin is as fake as they come. It doesn’t reach her sad eyes. The bleakness in them is so potent that it’s almost tangible.

  “You look good, Lacey.”

  I smooth down my skirt and nod my thanks at her compliment. For the first time in a long time, I feel good as well.

  After confessing everything to my parents, I kept my promise and began to attend therapy. I ended up spending two months in the detox center and I’ve been clean ever since. Talking about what Connor did to me and dealing with the demons that drove me to use drugs was my turning point.

  Now, I’m here to continue my progress. I’ve made the necessary lifestyle changes and I’m not living in denial any longer. In order to clear my conscience and hold myself accountable for my poor decisions and the destruction I wreaked on my best friend and her family, I’m meeting with her today to tell her everything.

  Every time I lied.

  Every time I broke her trust.

  Every time I was a traitor to the Shamrocks.

  Every time I put her twin’s life at risk.

  “I can’t say the same for you.” I might be here to seek redemption but I can’t ignore the elephant in the room any longer. We don’t have the relationship we once had, but I care about her. She’s been there for me over the past months as much as I would let her and I owe her the same.

  “You look like you’re about to collapse.” I continue. Maddi’s the thinnest I’ve ever seen her. The weight that she’s lost was not an amount she could afford, her natural curves all but gone. With her ghostly pallor and her tense shoulders forecasting the strain she’s under, I want to sweep her into a huge hug and take her pain away. Knowing Maddi as I do, that’d be a fatal mistake. She’ll pull into herself and bluff her way through any concern I showed her.

  “I’m all right,” her tired tone doesn’t match her words. “Just missing Mik. This last month is dragging.”

  Mad Dog’s trial is only just around the corner—less than a month to go now. I’m no longer privy to the inner workings of the Club, but I know from the media reports I’ve read that the tide of public opinion is against the Shamrocks, and Thomas Taylor is capitalizing on it by running a trial by media in the absence of any real evidence.

  “I’m here for you if you need someone,” I vow, not only to Maddi but to myself as well. I’m strong enough that I can step up and support her through this.

  She offers me a flicker of a smile through tightly pressed lips that barely move. Reaching over and gripping my hand in hers, she squeezes it before she speaks, “Enough about my drama. You said you wanted to clear the air.”

  Complete honesty is what I owe her, but I’m in two minds that now is the right time to lay my truth at her feet. She senses my hesitation, and squeezes my hand again.

  “Lacey. If you know anything that can help me with Benji, you need to tell me. I don’t care about the lies anymore. He’s locked himself away from everyone. He’s high all the time and every time I step through his front door, I’m scared that it’s going to be the time I find him dead.”

  I swallow down the guilt and sorrow that tries to choke me. I knew things were bad. But this bad—that hadn’t even crossed my mind.

  “I’m so sorry,” I begin. My heart starts pounding in my chest as I speak. For the first time in weeks, all I can think about is running away from everyone and diving back into the blissful detachment that getting high offers. My mouth grows dry and I press my thighs together as I remember the feeling of the needle as it punctures the skin near my groin. I begin to sweat as I imagine the rush of heat that the delicious sting of pain would herald, telling me to hold on because the sweet ecstasy is coming to take over.

  Fanning myself, I scramble from my bar stool. Resting my palms against the cool surface of the bar, I drop my forehead between my arms and breathe deeply. In through my nose; out through my mouth. And repeat. Again and again until I can feel my mind beginning to calm.

  I’m aware of Maddi watching me, her hand hovering over my back as she decides whether I’ll accept her soothing touch. Eventually her hand comes down behind my shoulder blades and she rubs me in relaxing rhythm.

  “That’s it, Lacey. Innnn. Ouuut. Innnn. Ouuut.”

  I follow her instructions until I have the craving under control.

  Walking around the bar, I pour myself a glass of lemonade and offer her one. She shakes her head.

  “Vodka and pineapple,” she tells me. I’m shocked at her drinking alcohol this early in the day—she’s not much of a drinker—although, I have no doubt she’ll need it by the time I’m finished with her. I fix her drink and slide it in front of her. Taking a seat on the stool behind the bar, I face her and start again.

  “I’m so sorry, Maddi. Please know that. If I could take this all back, I would in a heartbeat.”

  She nods, her expression blank, and I take that as my cue to get to the point.

  “First off, I have to tell you that I’ve lied to you about everything. When you asked me if Connor was abusing me. I lied. When you asked me if I was worried about Connor and Sherri. I lied. When you asked me if I knew anything about Connor turning rat after he disappeared. I lied. When you asked me if I thought Benji was using more than usual. I lied. When you asked me if I was shooting up. I lied.”

  I gulp in some much-needed air. Now I’ve started, it’s like the seal on my vault of secrets has been broken, and I can’t stop the truth from rushing from me like a geyser. Without waiting to see how she takes each new revelation, I keep talking, purging my soul and clearing my conscience in my search for forgiveness.

  “I started this whole thing with Benji. When he hurt his knee from fighting Smoke, I went into his room after everyone left him alone and smoked the meth I had on me with him. I also had sex with him that night. He made it clear that it was a one-off, but I texted him later that week and we hooked up again.”

  I chance a look at her and she regards me impassively. The only way I can tell that my words have had an impact is by the way her too-thin shoulders have risen as if she’s about to ward off a blow, and her white-knuckled hold on her glass.

  “We agreed to hide it from you and the Club, which we did for months. And, I made him promise to keep my drug use a secret even though everyone knew about his. I kinda threw him under the bus to keep my career and I made him the bad guy to you all.”

  Before I chicken out, I admit the first of my unforgivable sins.

  “When Benji said that one of his friends told him shooting up was heaps better than smoking it, I was the one who got the needles and stuff from the hospital. I was also the one who injected us. Benji tried a couple of times, but he was hopeless. My training as a nurse meant that I never missed a vein...and I could shoot up in unusual places so we could hide the track marks.”

  Maddi still doesn’t acknowledge my confessions. Her unblinking stare is unnerving, making my heart pound in my ears and my stomach churn. I can’t read her. She’s normally an open-book and everyone in hearing-range knows what she’s feeling. Her quiet acceptance of what I’ve done is freaking me out.

  I force myself to go on, even with alarm bells ringing in my head.

  “When you asked wher
e Benji got his drugs, I already knew. We’ve been getting our stuff from the same place from the start.”

  I can’t take her silence anymore.

  “Maddi. Are you listening to me?”

  She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath which she holds. I feel like I’m about to throw up as I wait with increasing anxiety for her answer. My stomach is churning so hard that it could turn milk into butter without much effort.

  Finally, her eyes open. I wish she’d kept them closed because the cold stare she shoots at me glimmers with hatred and contempt. Waves of enmity flow from her, sucking me into the vortex of malevolence growing around her.

  “I’m listening,” she says in a voice dripping with icicles. “I’m simply speechless at what I’m hearing.”

  Leaning closer to me, Maddi places her glass on the bar before poking me in the chest with a sharp fingernail. “I know I said I didn’t care about the lies, but I lied this time. I don’t know if I feel sorry for you or if I hate you. All I know is this...”

  She pokes me again. I flinch and lean away from her.

  “You’re not an evil person but what you’ve done is so evil that I can’t comprehend the sheer treachery of it all. Instead of coming to us, you chose to keep what Connor was doing to yourself. At the end of the day, that’s your choice so I have to respect that. Hell, I even have sympathy for what you’ve been through. That sympathy dies when I realize that you chose to deal with your shit by bringing my already struggling brother into your gloomy little world.”

  I force myself to keep my eyes on hers, even as they begin to prick with tears that I blink away. It’s not fair if I cry when she isn’t, considering I’m the reason she should be crying.

  “You knew about Benji’s problems. I told you myself! And you still chose to seek him out and pull him into your downward spiral. What kind of person does that? Even if you had zero regard for Benji and what it would do to him, how could you do that to me? I thought we were friends? But you’re just another person who I can add to the list of assholes who’ve let me down.”