I Am Free

by Regina Bartley

“Oh, okay. That’s fine. I can take you.” I offered.

  She smiled. “That’s sweet, but it’s okay. Kennedy said she’d take me.”

  Oh no. “Let me. Kennedy,” I pleaded with my eyes. “I can take her home. You stay for a while.” If she couldn’t read the eye signals that I was throwing her way then she was blind.

  Kennedy paused and gave me a funny smile.

  I was going to put her in a headlock when I got home.

  “I don’t mind Kennedy, if you want to stay.” Grace said.

  Oh the bad thoughts. They were running crazy in my mind. I had to remember to shut them up when I was with Grace. Don’t get me wrong. She was beautiful and my dirty thoughts made for some amazing dreams, but dreams of her body would be as far as I could go. Just dreams. I didn’t mind though. I’d wait forever for this girl.

  Do you hear me God? I shouted the words in my head. I’m changed. I’d wait forever for her.

  “Okay.” Kennedy replied. “I’ll call you tomorrow.” She hugged Grace just before we left.

  And finally, I was going to get some alone time with my girl, my girlfriend.

  29

  Grace

  Oh boy. What had I gotten myself into? This alone time with Jackson wasn’t getting any easier. In fact, it was getting harder and harder for me to control my emotions around him. I could understand the whole forbidden fruit thing now. It was all making sense.

  When we’d shared that kiss at his house last night, I questioned all of my thoughts. It was important to me that I wait for sex until marriage. It had never even crossed my mind until Jackson came into my life, and now suddenly it was all I could think of. The curve of his shoulders where his muscles bulged out of his shirt taunted me all the time.

  I told myself over and over that my body was a temple. It’s something my Mom told me when I was little. She told me never to forget, and I hadn’t. Maybe some things about my past were bad, but not everything. I didn’t forget where I came from or the good things I’d learned. I wouldn’t change either. Not for anyone.

  When Jackson and I reached the house and I went to the front door I realized that it was locked. Her whole freak out session was all for nothing. She was probably rushing around like a mad woman, and just thought she’d forgot.

  “I’m sorry you had to leave the bar. Darcy sounded really worried on the phone.”

  He touched my lower back as he led me into the house. Oh, my back. He had to stop touching me. Every time he did, it felt like my body would explode. That couldn’t be normal. It couldn’t. I had to talk to Aunt Darcy about it soon.

  “It’s okay. I didn’t mind. I’d rather be here with you anyway.”

  And that right there had me questioning my sanity. He was always saying things like that. It was probably my lack of experience with guys, but certain things that he’d say made me want to kiss his lips. Like at that very moment.

  We stood there in the doorway and it felt kind of awkward. I didn’t know what to do or say, and feared for the words that would come out of my mouth if I tried.

  “Grace,” he whispered my name.

  “Huh,” I replied.

  “Can I stay here with you tonight.”

  Whoa. Ugh. Fear. That was my only thought.

  “No. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean.” He scratched his head and shuffled on his feet. “I didn’t mean it like that. Please. Shit!”

  My pie hole was still wide open, as Kennedy would say. I didn’t know what to say. I could barely look at his adorable face.

  “Let me start over.” He gripped his fingers around the tops of my arms. It took him a minute to breathe and think about what he wanted to say. I’d never seen him look so flustered. “I just didn’t want you to be alone. That’s all. With your aunt gone, I thought it might be a good idea if I stayed. Just in case your dad calls or something. I could sleep down here on the couch.”

  All of his words were slow and steady like he was making sure that he didn’t miss a word to confuse me. It was funny actually, the way he talked to me as if I was five years old. If I’d had a newspaper or a magazine I probably would have whopped him over the head with it.

  Right! Good time to use that swat to the head. I thought.

  Without another thought, I swung my hand up and popped him. Not hard, but enough to shake him a bit. It must have been the balls that Tucker mentioned. I was getting gutsier by the days.

  “Hey.” He stood there stunned. He couldn’t believe I’d just done that.

  Truthfully, I couldn’t believe it either.

  I held my lips together tightly to keep from cracking up, but it was too hard. Between his facial expression, and realizing what I’d just done, I couldn’t hold it in another minute. We were bent over and laughing our butts off.

  “Come on, I need chocolate.” I laughed, and grabbed his hand pulling him towards the kitchen. It was bold of me, and I knew it. I never initiated his touch before, but he called me his girlfriend tonight. That’s what girlfriends did right? I didn’t think anymore about it.

  “Sorry I was acting like an idiot.” He said as pulled me close in front of the fridge. “You make me do and say funny things. I’m not myself when I’m around you.”

  “You’re wrong.” I pushed back the piece of hair that had fallen onto his forehead. “Emotions are real. This is real. I think that this boy or guy, sorry,” I smiled. “I think that this guy standing right here in front of me is the real you. It’s the person that you’re afraid to be. You would never show this kind of emotion in front of your friends, at least not the ones that you’re trying to impress. But your real with me.”

  His head tilted to the side a little, and his eyes were brighter than before. They were so blue that the sky would be jealous. “You amaze me.” He said. “Where have you been my whole life?”

  Oh, his words. They did me in. I was about to be the boldest me I’d ever been.

  Could I?

  Oh, I had to. My hands were shaking, and my heart was beating so fast that I thought it might leap right out of my chest.

  I looked in his eyes. Then I looked at his lips. He was so beautiful that he took my breath away. Standing a little taller, and a little straighter, I leaned in and pressed my lips against his. I wasn’t gentle. I kissed him fiercely, making sure that he knew what his words meant to me. His warm lips against mine eased every possible worry that I could have had. He made me feel wanted.

  When I pulled away, he didn’t pressure me for more. He didn’t take all that he could’ve possibly gotten from me, and it made me love him even more.

  I loved him.

  It wasn’t the way that I loved Kennedy or Aunt Darcy. It was so much more. This was deeper and beyond my wildest imagination, and I had a very vivid imagination.

  In the short amount of time that I’d known Jackson, I’d fallen head over heels in love with him. I thought that it would scare me –this kind of love, but it didn’t. The love part didn’t scare me at all.

  I remember very vividly a quote from William Shakespeare’s Hamlet that said, “Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love.”

  I knew without I doubt that I loved Jackson, without one single doubt. Yes, he was the first boy to cross my path, but sometimes God got things right on the first try. At least that was my theory.

  30

  Jackson

  She didn’t make me sleep on the couch, but I wished she had. As I lay in the floor next to her bed, I could hear her heavily breathing. Her hand had let go of mine once she’d fallen asleep, but I still held on. I was wide-awake, still thinking about that kiss. I had to be living in some sort of dream world. This was not real. No way in hell this could be real.

  My phone buzzed a few times throughout the night, but after reading the first text, I didn’t read anymore. The guys were giving me shit about Grace. At least that was what the first text was about. I knew they weren’t going to let me off easy about it. What they didn’t reali
ze was that I didn’t care, not anymore. In a couple of years, we’d all be going separate ways and none of this petty bull crap would matter.

  I was daydreaming when I thought I heard someone knock on the door. The second time it sounded like someone was beating down the door. Grace didn’t budge. I let go of her hand, and slipped on my tee shirt.

  Who the hell would be knocking on the door at this time of night?

  The clock by the bed said that it was just past two a.m.

  I fumbled my way out of her room and down the stairs where the knocks kept growing louder and louder.

  “What?” I yelled as I yanked the door open with too much force. An older man with white hair stood there with a menacing look on his face. His eyes were pure evil as he glared at me.

  “I’m here to see my daughter.”

  Oh, hell no. This was him? This was the man that had beaten my girl. My chest rose in anger as I thought of murdering him with my bare hands.

  He walked inside the door through the opening I’d left. “I don’t know who you are, but you better get her now.” He said.

  I was about to protest when he yelled out.

  “Grace!”

  Please don’t come down those steps. I thought to myself.

  “You need to leave.” I said sternly, but he acted as if I just blended into the wall.

  “Grace!” He yelled again.

  She stood sleepily at the top of the stairs with a look of terror on her face. She was white as a ghost.

  “Dad.” She called out.

  “Get your stuff. Let’s go now.” The old man called out.

  Screw that. “Don’t move a muscle Grace. You’re not going anywhere with him.” I yelled up the steps. He may have looked mean, but I wasn’t scared. If anything he should have been scared of me.

  “I don’t know who you think you are,” he started jabbing his finger in my face.

  “I’m her boyfriend, and I’ll kill you if you lay one finger on her.” I said with as much hatred as I could. I was as serious as a heart attack.

  Looked like no one had ever said that to the man, because his face spoke a thousand words. He might have been a tad bit scared of me.

  Good.

  “Look at you girl.” He said to Grace. “Everything I’ve taught you pushed aside so that you could step out like some cheap whore. You’re a disgrace.”

  I smashed my fist into his face as hard as I could. “Get out. Don’t ever come back here again!” I screamed.

  When he stood up tall, I thought maybe he’d hit me back, but I was ready. Bring it on, old man.

  Grace came trampling down the steps, and stood next to my side. Her hand gripped tightly against my arm. She was afraid, but she didn’t have to be. I’d protect her. I’d always protect her.

  “Your mother has worried herself sick over you? She’s ill Grace. Don’t you care at all?”

  “I care.” She whispered. She cleared her throat. “I care.” She said over and over.

  “Go! Now!” I screamed. I was over the whole conversation. It ended there, and I dared him with my eyes to say one more word.

  He stormed out of the house blistering mad.

  I pulled her to the front of me and wrapped my arms around her. She squeezed me back as tight as she could. Placing a soft kiss on the top of her head, I told her everything would be okay.

  “Go upstairs and pack a bag. We’re going to my house.” I told her. “We can talk to my parents, and you won’t have to worry about him showing up there.”

  “O… Okay.”

  She waited for me to guide her up the stairs. Her hand was still trembling in mine. I wasn’t scared, but I was worried about her. I knew that my Mom and Dad would know how to handle this.

  My adrenaline was still pumping. I never punched anyone in the face before, especially not someone who was that much older than me. My knuckles were red and would probably be sore the next day, but at that moment I wasn’t even thinking about the pain. I wanted to get her out of that house to somewhere where she’d feel safe again.

  Once inside the car, I took a minute to finally breathe.

  I glanced over at Grace and she was staring blankly out the window. She hadn’t said a word about any of it. That scared me most. She should be screaming or crying or something. Not sitting there inattentive and lost. Her knee bounced hard under her dress, and her hands laced together on her lap.

  “I’m sorry Grace.” That was the only thing I could think to say, and I was sorry. I was sorry for what he said, for how badly she was scared, and for opening that damn door in the first place.

  She weakly smiled in my direction. “I’m sorry too.”

  “For what?” I asked. She had nothing to be sorry for.

  “For everything. I’m sorry that my Dad screamed at you. I’m sorry that you had to see him at all. I’m sorry that I fell apart, just like I always do.” She was nearly screaming. “I’m sorry that I let everyone down. I’m sorry that you’re in the middle of this whole mess. God, I’m just sorry.” She cried.

  Finally.

  I didn’t want to see her break down like that, but it’s better to see some emotion then nothing at all.

  “Come here.” I pulled her across the console so that I could hold her tighter. “You don’t have to apologize to me for any of that. You didn’t let anyone down. So don’t say that. Maybe you didn’t do things exactly like they wanted you too, but damn it Grace. It’s your life, and you should be able to live it exactly how you want to. You’re an amazing girl, so don’t you dare listen to a single word that he tells you. You hear me?” I said.

  She nodded her head against my chest, but she didn’t say anything else.

  “I love you,” I said to her as she held me close. I didn’t know if she felt the same way, but for the first time in my life I was in love. I was head over heels for this girl, and knew that I would do anything for her.

  She looked up at me with tears running down her face.

  “You mean that?” She asked.

  “Yes. I do. I love you.” I said it again.

  “I love you too Jackson.”

  I knew right then that my world would never be the same. I knew that I loved her so hard that she could break me in a second, and I didn’t care.

  I kissed her forehead, and both cheeks before finding her lips. “Let’s go home.” I said.

  31

  Grace

  So many thoughts were running through my head that I couldn’t keep them straight, but the one thing that I was most certain about was Jackson. He loved me. He told me so, and I told him that I loved him too.

  I sat there on the couch next to Jackson as he held my hand. I let him tell his parents what was going on. Before we even walked inside the house, I’d asked him to do the talking. I told him that he could tell them everything, but I just wasn’t in the mood to talk. I was already exhausted. My mind was rattled, and I couldn’t bare the thought of saying those words to anyone else again.

  Claire came over to the couch to hug me, and for the first time all night I felt at ease. Don’t get me wrong, Jackson was comforting, but there was something different about the love of a mother.

  Jackson’s father Nick shook his head several times, and I didn’t know what he would say. He was angry, in the same way that Jackson was.

  “You’re welcome to stay with us for as long as you’d like Grace.” Claire said as she continued hugging me. I wasn’t usually the hugging type, but they were growing on me. And sometimes you just need a hug.

  “Thank you.” I replied.

  Nick walked out of the room, and Jackson followed. I glanced wearily at Claire.

  “Don’t you worry dear? He’s not angry or upset with you. Nick had a bit of an ugly childhood, and I think maybe you remind him of himself.” She smiled sincerely.

  “I’m sorry.” I had the whole apology thing down to an art. I was masterful at it by that point.

  “No, no, no. It’s fine. I promise. He just needs a minute that’s
all.”

  We sat there quietly for a few minutes, and I thought about how much this situation weighed heavily on my heart. I did miss my Mom sometimes, and all though I’d been living happily since I’d left, the scars were always there. Not just the scars that were on my body, but the big ugly ones on my heart.

  I couldn’t continue to drag everyone into the situation, and I couldn’t keep being afraid. I needed closure. Running away made me a happier person, but it didn’t make me free.

  I wouldn’t be free until I said my peace.

  I needed to tell them that I was gone for good, and that I was never coming back. I needed to get the rest of my things from that house. I needed to light a match under that final bridge and watch it burn to the ground, so that I’d never have to cross over it again.

  “I need to go home.” I said loudly as if it were the greatest revelation I’d ever made.

  Jackson walked back into the room. “You can stay here for the night, and I’ll take you home tomorrow after we get some sleep.”

  “No.” I shook my head. “I need to go back home to Oklahoma.”

  “What? You can’t do that. That’s nuts Grace. You can stay here with us as long as you want. Dad even said that you could move in if you wanted to.”

  What a sweet, sweet family this was.

  “I don’t want to go home to stay. I just want to go home and get everything off my chest. I want closure. I want my stuff. And I want to tell them that I’ll be out of their lives for good.” I admitted. “If I don’t quit running then they’ll never stop chasing.”

  “We’ll take you.” Claire rubbed my back. “We will all go with you, and we’ll get your things, and we’ll keep you safe. If that’s what you need to do, then we’re here for you.”

  Jackson frowned, but nodded his head. “If that’s what you need to do,” he said.

  “You all would go with me?”

  “Of course we will.” Nick said as he appeared from behind Jackson. I didn’t even realize that he’d been standing there this whole time.

  The large tears streamed down my face.