I Am Free

by Regina Bartley

  I ran my sweaty palms down my skirt, and dialed Darcy back.

  “Grace.” She answered quickly.

  I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I didn’t want to cry in the backseat of this car. “What’s going on?” I asked. The car was quiet and I knew they could hear me.

  “I don’t know. He called and was acting like a fool on the phone. He demanded that I let you speak with him. I kept telling him that I didn’t know where you were, but he kept insisting. When I wouldn’t budge, he told me that your Momma’s sick. I don’t know if it’s the truth or if he’s lying. I wanted you to know.” She urged.

  “What should I do? What if he’s telling the truth?” The tears started to fall. I didn’t want her to be sick. I loved my Mom, despite our differences. She would always be my Mother. What if she needed me?

  “I don’t know baby girl. Maybe you should call home.” She suggested.

  “Then he will know that you’re lying. He’ll know that you told me.” I tried to say in a hushed voice, but speaking through my tears was hard.

  “Where are you?” She asked.

  “I’m with Kennedy and her parents. I’m on my way to their house to stay.”

  “Good okay. Just sleep on it tonight. What ever you decide to do is fine. I’m here for you.”

  “Thanks Darcy. I love you.” I said. I’m not sure that I’d ever said those words directly to someone before. If I had, it’d been a long time ago.

  “I love you too.” She answered immediately.

  Kennedy pulled me close to her and hugged me. I just cried as silently as I could.

  When I pulled away. I realized that we were already parked in her garage, and her parents were no longer in the car. I never even heard them get out.

  “What’s going on? Do you want to talk about it?”

  I shrugged, but I knew I was going to have to tell her sooner or later. “Can I take a hot shower, and then I’ll tell you everything.”

  She rubbed the side of my arm. “Of course. Come on.”

  After my hot shower, I put back on the clothes that I’d worn to the game. Kennedy would gladly let me borrow nightclothes, but the closest thing she had to a nightgown was far too short for my liking.

  Walking out of the bathroom, I found Kennedy, Jackson, and Tucker all lounged on the bed. Every pair of eyes was glued to me. Let the insecurities begin.

  “Don’t you have a home of your own?” I asked Tucker, and the room erupted in laughter. Thankfully.

  “Don’t you?” He teased back.

  “Touché.” I smiled and joined the rest of the committee on the bed. “Good game tonight.” I spoke softly to Jackson.

  “I’m glad you came.” He took my hand. No one seemed to notice or to even care.

  “I told the guys that you were ready to talk to me about some things and I thought they might want to hear to, but if you just want to talk to me then I understand.” She looked at me with fear in her eyes. Maybe she thought I’d be angry with her, but I wasn’t.

  “Okay.” I said. “You three are the closest thing to family I’ve ever had.” Telling them shouldn’t be hard, but it would be. These kinds of things were meant to stay locked up inside. Going through it once was bad. Reliving it again would be much worse.

  “You don’t have to tell us everything, but we’re here to listen.” Kennedy said. She was sincere.

  Time to get the show on the road.

  “I was on the phone earlier with Aunt Darcy. She said that my Dad called looking for me again. Darcy told him that she didn’t know where I was, and she still hadn’t seen me. It’s the same lie every time. Only this time, he told her that my Momma was sick.” I shifted in my seat.

  “Should you call home?” Tucker asked.

  “That’s the problem. I don’t know if he’s lying, and if he is then he’ll know that Aunt Darcy told me. He’ll know that I’ve been with her this whole time.” I explained.

  “But you’re eighteen. There’s nothing he can do.” Kennedy said.

  I’ve had to explain this so many times. Everyone thought that being eighteen-equaled freedom. In my world even twenty would be a prison. “I know it’s difficult for you all to understand, but he still has this unbelievable hold over me. It’s hard to explain, but it feels like there is the imaginary rope linking me to them back home. I can’t seem to cut it, and it haunts me all the time. Almost feels like I’m strangling to break free.” I looked down at my twisted fingers. I was trying to avoid eye contact at all cost. I didn’t need to see the hurt expressions on their faces. It would only make things harder for me to explain.

  “Are you afraid of him?” Kennedy asked. It was the first time that I’d noticed how silent Jackson was being. He hadn’t said anything yet.

  “I have been my whole life.” I admitted. “Growing up at my house was nothing like growing up in yours, like what you have here.”

  “Why are you afraid of him?” She asked.

  “Why don’t you ask me what you really want to know?” I looked at her seriously. I knew that she was skirting all the way around the subject of my back. She wanted to know what happened.

  “Did he do it to you?” She asked with certainty.

  “Do what?” Jackson finally added his two cents, letting me know that he hadn’t completely tuned me out.

  “Yes.” I answered. “He hurt me, bad, and a lot.”

  “The fuck.” Jackson said, followed by the rants of Tucker. “What did he do?” He asked me.

  “He’s always been strict and mean. There was a strict set of rules that I had to follow my whole life. It wasn’t awful, but confining. I did what I had to do. I waited out the years I had to wait, and then the first chance I got, I ran away.”

  Kennedy was shaking her head. “Your back… He did that didn’t he?”

  “Yes.”

  “My God.” She sucked in a hard breath and clasped her hand over her mouth. “I knew it.” She admitted.

  “I don’t want to talk about that day though, okay? I don’t ever want to talk about that.”

  “Just tell me what gave you the scars? Please,” she pleaded. I guess it was important to her to have all the pieces of my jagged puzzle.

  “A rake.”

  My blank stare ahead was all I had. There were no tears, and my heart was practically void of all emotion. I already suffered through it, long before this day. I’d already shed all the tears I could. I’d been angry, and afraid, and alone. I was done with all emotions attached to that day.

  I found the look on Jackson’s face frightening.

  “You should call him Gracie.” Tucker insisted.

  “I’m scared.” I felt helpless. I was back to being that little girl running scared from her dad.

  “We are all here for you. He can’t hurt you through the phone.”

  Having them there with me would help, but I’d be risking everything. It would be the same as if I just went back home. He’d know where I was, and he’d come for me.

  “I need to think about it.” I held tightly to Jackson’s hand. “I’ll decide what I’m going to do tomorrow. I want to talk to Aunt Darcy too. If I call him then he’ll be showing up at her house. I just gotta think.”

  “Why are you so happy?” Jackson said as if that was a normal question. It confused me.

  “What kind of question is that?”

  “Look at you.” His free hand measured me up. “You seem completely oblivious. Since the day I’ve met you, you’ve been nothing but happy. How are you not broken?”

  I let out a pent up breath. “You forget Jackson. I’ve had to deal with this my whole life. I’ve been angry. I’ve been upset. I’ve cried plenty of times. This is not me hiding behind my smile. It’s real. I have nothing to be upset about. I have a great life. No, I don’t have all the same luxuries that you guys have, but I’ve never had those anyway. I’m proud of myself for being so strong. I’m happy with who I am. Nothing about this life is bad. Absolutely nothing,” I reassured him with a smi
le. “If I dwell on the bad things then I’d be too unhappy to focus on the good things. I hate that I am going to have to face my past sooner or later, but when I do I’ll get the closure that I need. Until then I’m going to be me. This is me. I have an amazing best friend, a home that I love, and Aunt who loves me so much, a great job, and this family who’ve taken me in and greeted me with open arms, literally.” I laughed.

  “And you’re an amazing person Gracie. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.” Tucker dashed me a gorgeous smile. He stood up from the bed walked around to the side I was sitting and kissed the top of my head. “I’m proud of you girl. You have more balls than any grown man.”

  “Tucker,” I gave him a little shove. The word balls made me blush.

  “I’m proud of you too, and I’m so glad you’re my best friend.” Kennedy said, as she pulled me in for a hug. “I’m going to the kitchen to get cake. Come on, you’ve earned yourself a big piece.”

  “We’ll be right there.” Jackson said.

  I cocked my head to the side, eyeing him curiously. I thought we were finished. I thought we’d said everything that needed to be side, or I rather.

  Everyone shuffled out of the room, and there we were.

  Alone.

  He took my hand in his, and helped me stand up from the bed. When his hands reached out to touch the sides of my face, I closed my eyes. I felt his thumbs brush gently against my cheekbones, and down run down the length of my neck. I felt dizzy on my feet. I reached up and gripped his arms with my hands. Opening my eyes, I saw tears. His eyes were filled to the rim with unshed tears. They were so full, that I knew they’d spill over at any moment.

  “Jackson.” His name barely left my mouth, before he touched his lips to mine.

  I nearly fell to pieces under his touch. The tears from his eyes, slid down his cheeks. I knew, because I could feel them too. His kiss was light and better than any we’d shared before. It felt real.

  Pulling back I looked deeply into his eyes. “Don’t cry for me.” I said.

  “God I’m so sorry Grace. You’re the most amazing person that I’ve ever known, and you didn’t deserve the jacked up life that you were dealt. I’ve been so horrible.” He choked.

  “I know I didn’t deserve the beatings. But I wouldn’t change the way my life turned out. I’m okay with who I am. Really. I’m okay.”

  He rested his forehead against mine and released a loud breath. I knew that he wanted to say more, but it wasn’t going to happen tonight. I just wanted to leave things as they were, to go about the night as if I didn’t just spill my guts to them. I needed cake, lots and lots of cake.

  28

  Jackson

  When you are given a great life, you don’t realize that other people might not have it so great. Maybe they’re living with demons from their past, or maybe they have nightmares because the abuse was so bad.

  I’d taken for granted the good life that I’d been given. It was eye opening listening to Grace’s story. It brought me to tears to know that she was treated so horribly. She was smart, beautiful, sweet, and so innocent. It was wrong. Life shouldn’t be so hard for such an amazing person. It wasn’t fair.

  When she went home this morning, I couldn’t get her out of my head. I thought about her every moment while I was in school, wondering if she was okay, or if she was going to call her Dad. I didn’t want her to go through that mess by herself. I kept thinking of how much better it would be if I were there with her, by her side.

  I sent her a quick text before class asking her if she was okay, but I still hadn’t heard from her. The wait was agonizing, and I grew uneasy with every minute that passed.

  If she hadn’t texted me back before I left school for the day, then I was going to her house.

  “Hey man, you going to The Edge tonight?”

  I heard Jeremy’s voice above everyone’s in the hall, his loud, and obnoxious voice. Stepping to the side, I waited for him to approach me. He would track me down no matter what, so I was just as well to get it over with.

  “Don’t tell me you forgot?” He said as he dropped his bag to the ground.

  I gave him a questionable look. It was true. I had forgotten whatever the hell he was talking about. Too many things were going on. I’d been busy.

  “Cory’s birthday bash at The Edge. You can’t miss it.”

  “Shit. That’s tonight?” I shook my head. “I don’t think I can come.” I said thinking about Grace. I really wanted to be with her. Who was this person she was turning me into? Never in a million years would I miss one of the guy’s birthdays for a girl. But this wasn’t just some ordinary girl. This was Grace. My Grace.

  “There is nothing more important then this party tonight. Your damn homework can wait. Besides, we’re about to have finals and this whole crappy semester will be over. If you ain’t passing by now, then you ain’t going too.”

  “Thanks man,” I said sarcastically. “Way to punch me in the gut.”

  “What’s gotten into you?” He asked.

  “Nothing.” I said a bit to hasty.

  He shook his head. His long, shaggy hair hung down over his eyes. It was taking over his face. I’d be glad when he cut that shit off, but he wouldn’t. Not until we lost a game. He was a superstitious nut. “Whatever man. You don’t want to talk to your best friend? I get it. Years and years of friendship obviously mean nothing to you. I thought you loved me man.” He joked, faking tears.

  “Shut up.” I shoved his arm. My phone vibrated from the pocket of my jeans, and I reached in and pulled it quickly. I’d been waiting all day for a message.

  I’m fine. Quit worrying would ya? I’ve decided not to call my Dad, at least not for a little while. Oh, and Kennedy is taking me to The Edge tonight so that I can chill out. Her words not mine.

  “So are you going or not?”

  “Actually, I think I will.” I replied.

  “Good, I’ll see ya tonight. Text me later if I need to pick you up.”

  “Yeah okay, see ya.” I said, as I replied to Grace’s text. A damn tornado could have come rolling through at that moment and I wouldn’t have noticed. It’s funny how someone so little and plain in everyone else’s eyes, could be so strong and beautiful in mine. I wish it hadn’t of took so long for me to make her mine.

  I told her that I’d see her at the bar tonight, and I couldn’t wait. Well kind of. My friends were going to have a field day with this, but I was ready. They could pounce all they wanted, and I wouldn’t budge. It was going to be my night to prove to her that I was for real. I didn’t want her seeing anyone else tonight, except me.

  I am Free

  I was on the edge of my stool sitting next to Jeremy when I spotted her across the bar. You couldn’t miss her. Her wavy, light blonde hair was the brightest in the room. Kennedy was talking to her and pointing in our direction, and that was when our eyes locked. It was only a brief second before she looked away. Were they not coming to sit with us? I saw her head move back and forth as if to say no. She was looking at Kennedy and not me. They walked a little farther until they were almost at the end of the bar. I could barely see them now through the sea of people. When they were completely out of sight, I’d had enough. I didn’t want to wait any longer. Pushing my way through the crowd, I finally spotted them sitting in the stools at the far corner of the bar. I moved in closer, but stopped to look at her before she knew I was there. I had no shame. I could stare at that beautiful girl every day for eternity.

  “Jack,” Kennedy called out to me. “You leaving the ass-holes to sit with the normal people today?” She asked.

  “Nope. You girls are leaving the normal people to come sit with us ass-holes.” I grabbed Grace’s hand and tried to pull her up from the stool, but she was holding back.

  “I don’t think so Jackson.” She said. Did I mention how much I loved the way she called me Jackson. She never called me Jack like everyone else. Her eyebrows scrunched as she frowned.

  “It’s fine
. No one will say anything.” I tried to reassure her.

  “That’s the problem.” She kept a tight grip on my hand pulled me closer.

  I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t know what she meant.

  “You won’t talk to me while we’re over there.” She said. She looked up at me through her heavy lashes. A sad look was on her face.

  “Come on.” I nudged her off the stool. It was time to prove my point. She gave me a curious look, and then pleaded with Kennedy to come along.

  I kept her hand tucked against shirt as we made our way over to where the guys were sitting.

  “Guys!” I addressed the group. “Ya’ll remember Grace.” A few eyes went wide as they looked at her, but no one said anything. “She’s my girlfriend.” I announced making sure that my point was crystal clear. I wanted them to know that she was taken, she was mine, and that I didn’t give a damn what they thought.

  Say what you want guys. You’re not breaking me.

  Grace looked up at me, but it wasn’t quite the face I was expecting. Was she angry? I was trying to prove a point. I just wanted her to see that I wasn’t ashamed of her, that I wanted her there with me, around my friends.

  Instead of worrying, I flashed her the biggest, funniest smile that I could. And it worked.

  She laughed loudly in front of the guys, not caring who saw. It was the greatest laugh, and obviously contagious because some of the guys laughed too. Not all of them, but some.

  When Kennedy and Grace went to the bathroom, I told the guys to be nice. One cross word and I’d lay anyone of their asses out. I didn’t care. They didn’t say much about it, but I knew I’d pissed a few of them off. If they were angry with me then we would settle it later. Not while Grace was there.

  She was nearly running when she came back to the table from the bathroom. There was a concerned look on her face.

  “I have to go. I’m sorry. Aunt Darcy left for the night, but she just called and said that she didn’t know if she locked the door to the house. She’s worried. I told her that I would call it a night, and I’d go home to make sure everything was okay.”