I looked down at my bloodstained dress and felt my chest hesitantly. No pain. No hole, no wound of any kind. He was right; I was "as good as new."
"All for nothing," I whispered.
"All for nothing," he repeated, smiling pleasantly. "Your 'friend' escaped with your wretched children after this bungled attempt at your life."
"Where are they now?" I pleaded. "Back in Castrill?"
"Probably," he said. "To live out the rest of their wretched lives. I told you it wasn't a good idea to see them again. You should have put your old life completely behind you, as I told you to."
"Yes," I whispered. "I'll have to do that now."
They lived. They all lived. That alone comforted me. But I began sobbing again quietly, and Agyar moved to my side and placed a sympathetic hand on my shoulder.
"She was no friend, Mara. Remember that. What friend would try to kill another friend like that, when you could have given her eternal life?"
"She was a good friend…"
"Was a good friend," he said. "But obviously not anymore."
Wrong again, Agyar. She was the best friend anyone could ever have.
I gave up trying to kill myself after that incident. Agyar knew I wanted to die, but he also knew all the ways he could foil my attempts. Usually he used his "calling" power to keep me around so I couldn't try anything. Or hypnosis, when I was being especially cranky. I never bothered to try resisting him at that point; I had no hope anymore.
Another surprise awaiting me was the arrival of the full moon, which came shortly after my children's visit. I noticed that before it arrived I was getting more and more hungry, but not for blood. As the time grew nearer I often caught myself unconsciously… well, rubbing myself. And then the full moon itself arrived.
I was in a daze. Not just every man, but every thing looked attractive to me, at least those that had the right shape. Even Agyar started looking appealing, and before I knew what was happening, we were both running from the house and into the forest, where we threw ourselves to the ground and gave in to our passions.
Gave in completely. I had barely a rational thought in my head as we lay on the ground all night long, relieving ourselves, as it were. What intelligence was still there was so thoroughly repulsed by what I was doing that the only way I saved my sanity was to make Agyar faceless. I made his face, his name, everything about him a blur, for once I realized who I was with, I might have gone completely mad from disgust. There was no love here, only blind, savage lust. And through the night we were surrounded by wolves, who had been called to us by our passions, and they copulated all around us, as though we were some undead Aphrodites who caused the animals to mate. And this happened all three nights of the full moon.
Afterward I was certain the whole thing had been a nightmare, but Agyar delighted in telling me it was real, all of it. I wouldn't look him in the eye for two weeks afterward and only spoke when forced to. Eventually I told him that he had raped me. That got him a good laugh. Raped? As though I had actually been resisting him. See what happens next moon, and see if you are "raped" again, he told me.
I shed no more tears over him. They had dried out long ago. I couldn't even cry for Gaar anymore, and that's what really hurt. I had numbed myself to nearly all feelings just to help me cope with Agyar's abuses. Now I am able to mourn for him; it's simply that while with Agyar, I had no choice but to keep it inside.
I had some consolation in knowing that Leta and the children were safe, that they would never succumb to my fate. Unless Agyar lied to me about that, and they were raptured and killed, but I doubt it. It is more likely that he would gloat about something like that rather than cover it up. But I never saw any of them again, so I choose to believe that they lived out full and happy lives.
I liked to pretend that Ran and Tirell had grown into great soldiers like Gaar had been, and they would come with a huge army, equipped with sharp wooden spears, and skewer Agyar and his wretched creatures and take me away from there. And then we would all find out that Gaar was not dead at all, but was living in a cave somewhere in the forest until we came and found him. And we would be a family again at last.
Yes, it's true; my fantasies were those of a helpless female dreaming of rescue by a dashing hero. But they were my only defense against Agyar for many, many years. I certainly could not kill him myself, much as I dearly wished to, for he still had too much power over me, in addition to all those creatures to protect him should I ever misbehave. Oh, they obeyed me, too, all right, but Agyar's word was always law over mine.
I had difficulty with Lara. She was cheerful, energetic, enthusiastic, and always willing to obey me, but she was also a strange girl. She enjoyed being a vampire far too much for my tastes. Even her mother was proud of her for having been "worthy" of the Great Gift of immortality; gods, what sort of mind manipulation does Agyar perform with his servants, I wondered again?
Some number of years had passed by, when it occurred to me that I had never seen anyone else from Clovaine except those people of Agyar's home. The town was always there, every day and night, but nobody came out at night, or at least no one I could see. And of course I couldn't watch the town when the sun was up.
Agyar had come to ignore me for the most part, fortunately. No doubt he felt safe that I wouldn't try to escape, or kill him, or even kill myself. I spent most of my nights sitting up on the roof, by myself, watching the sky and just thinking. Very boring. I had to do something different.
So I decided to pay a visit to the town, people or no people. I knew they were there, they were simply locked away for the night. I was pretty certain now why this was so, mind you, but I was dreadfully curious about what they were like, anyway.
I did not tell Lara what I intended, for I knew she would tell Agyar if he happened to ask about my whereabouts. She may have been my servant, but I was his, so his commands were above mine. If he asked, she had to tell.
So one night, while on the roof, I spread my arms, leapt over the wall on the roof, and transformed. The town was not far at all; only a few minutes' flight away. My only fear at the time was that Agyar would decide for some reason or another, to call while I was visiting the people. But he wasn't doing that very often anymore, fortunately.
I landed in the outskirts, using the shadows to hide my descent as best as I could. I hardly think there was much need for such secrecy, considering how deserted the place was, but I didn't want to take any chances.
I walked calmly and silently through the town center, keeping my gaze mostly straight ahead but occasionally throwing side glances into alleys and other dark corners. The hovels I passed were modest enough—most of them about the size of Gaar's and mine all those years ago. They were rather dull and drab, also, much like the Castrillians' homes before Gaar took over. He had encouraged the people to make their hovels more festive—make them look more like homes.
I stopped at a hovel near the edge of the town and decided to give those people a try. But how to go about it, I wondered? Simply walk up and knock on the door? Or perhaps I ought to call to them from here; I could call to no one in particular, perhaps asking where everybody was.
I walked up and knocked on the door. They were not asleep inside; light was peeping out through the shutters, and I heard some muffled voices arguing with themselves, and then shushing themselves quiet. I sensed that they were near the door but would not answer, and I knocked again quickly, pretending to be frantic.
"Who is it? What d'you want?" a male voice called from inside.
"A traveler," I called back. "I'm coming from across the sea and need a place for the night."
"We have no room here!" the voice said.
"I'll sleep somewhere else, if you like, sir," I answered. "But I just need to rest my feet for a while. Could you lend a hand to a stranger, sir? Just for a while?"
I hoped that speech would be enough to get me in, and sure enough, they began arguing with themselves again, until they stopped suddenly, and I heard a lock
on the door being undone. Then, after a pause, the door opened, and a woman was there, a short and plump woman, which was a welcome change from those anemic, scrawny servants back at Agyar's. I smiled as pleasantly as I could to her.
"Thanks to you, mistress," I said. "I only need a warm fire and a place to sit." She did not return my smile, but silently looked me up and down, taking in my appearance, seemingly looking for some flaw in me. But I knew I looked human.
She seemed satisfied with my appearance, and opened the door wider, stepping aside a little to let me pass. Her husband stood off to the side and near the back of the house, eyeing me suspiciously. I smiled again, and bowed my head quickly, and stepped forward.
My entrance to the house was abruptly stopped by—something. I'm not sure how to describe it really. It was sort of like an invisible wall, but not really; it was more like—a force of some kind. A force that was there, but not there, and could not be passed. Agyar had told me of it, but I had never encountered it before. I stopped where I was and smiled at the man.
"But I wouldn't want to come in, knowing the master does not welcome me," I said. The man tilted his head a little in apparent contemplation, and then nodded to me and gestured to a small table at the center of the room. And the force disappeared; I was free to enter.
I seated myself at the table and sighed, still smiling at the family. Several small children toddled over to me slowly, apparently curious to see a new face. I patted the head of one of them, and his mother reached out and brought him close to her. I smiled a little weakly at her then. All eyes of the household were upon me, and I shifted a little uncomfortably.
"It feels good to rest," I said, trying to break the ice. "I've been walking a long time."
"You say you're from across the sea," the man said slowly. "From what land?"
"Umm… Castrill," I said. "Across the Channel, really."
"Oh," he said. "So what brings ye here?"
"I was… I am making my way to the East," I said. "To rejoin my husband."
"You poor thing," the woman said. "Making such a long trip all by yourself?"
"Yes, well… I am used to it. We've been separated before. But he tells me he's become very rich there, and I'm to join him now."
"Found a fortune, has he?" said the man.
I smiled and shrugged.
"But ye shouldn't be wandering about so here," the woman chastised. "It's too dangerous for one like—"
She was stopped by her husband barking at her, and she seemed ashamed at what she had said and walked away from the table. But this was what I had come to town for; this was what I really wanted to talk about.
"Dangerous, you say?" I said. "How so?"
"She means nothing by it," the man said quickly. "Pay her no mind."
"But if I'm to be traveling about here, I ought to know what I'm in for," I insisted. "I have no one to protect me but myself. Oughtn't I know?"
The man glared at his wife quickly, who looked away in shame, and then he moved toward me carefully and pulled out a chair. He motioned me forward, and I leaned over to let him whisper into my ear.
"No one goes out at night," he whispered. "Not while… those things are out there."
"Things?" I asked innocently.
"Things!" he repeated. "Awful things… these horrible monsters, pale and dirty, with evil eyes and teeth and claws that'll tear your throat from you right where ye stand!" No doubt he had told this tale to his children before, for they became frightened rather quickly, and ran over to their mother, who held them close to her and tried to comfort them.
"They'll steal the life from you, take yer soul!—and you'll be a livin' corpse, walking the shadows of the earth for eternity!"
Even I began to shiver at his words. And what frightened me most was that none of it was just old wives' tales; it was all true. I licked my lips slightly and leaned back.
"I saw… no such creatures," I whispered.
"Ahhh, ye were lucky!" he said. "But ye might not be so fortunate, if ye stay in this place, walking about unprotected at night. They can only strike at night, ye see, for the sun'll burn them to a crisp!"
"I'm sure I can make it out of here safely if I just find an inn—"
"No inns in this town," he said. "You'll have to find someone who'll take ye in for the night."
"Oh," I said. "Well…" I said, rising from my seat, "I should trouble you no longer, then—"
"Jacob!" the woman called. Jacob turned to his wife, and I stopped to listen. She threw him a few curious looks, gesturing toward me a little with her shoulders.
"We can't let her go walking about all alone like that," she chastised. Jacob rose and cast me a quick glance before rushing over to his wife to argue with her.
"No, really, I can take care of myself," I protested over their disagreement. I certainly couldn't afford to stay there all night, after all. They ignored me and continued arguing, she for me to stay, and he, to not get involved.
"I'm certain they won't bother me, good people," I continued. No use. They were really going at it, and I had little choice but to think of a way to get away from there. Then I was momentarily distracted by a wide-eyed little girl who stood before me, watching me intently with round blue eyes. She made me think of Kiri, as I remembered her, and the sound of her parents' arguing was soon drowned out by my own fascination with the girl.
We watched each other unblinkingly for some time, and then I couldn't help slowly beginning to smile at her, perhaps hoping she would smile back. But then she broke away her gaze and ran from me, rushing up to her mother and clutching her leg. I stopped smiling and looked down, a little sad now.
The adults finished their "discussion," and it was rather obvious that the woman had won. She came toward me, smiling and extending her arms. I moved back a little, but she took my hands into her own and began leading me toward the back of the room.
"It's far too dangerous for you," she said. "You'll be staying with us tonight, and then you'll be safe to move on. And… Why, you're chilled to the bone!" she exclaimed. "You'll be by the fire tonight, as well."
"No, really, I… I ought to find someplace else," I protested.
"Oh, no," she said. "Not with those monsters out there! It'd be inhuman of us to let them loose on you! You're so young and fair—ye don't deserve the fate they deal out to travelers…"
"Don't I?" I said.
"Of course not," she said, leading me to a pile of bedding. "Now you just lie here for the night, and you'll be safe that way—"
I broke away from her and backed off, shaking my head.
"I'm sorry, mistress, I… I really can't stay," I said. "I'll find somewhere else, and I'll be safe. You needn't worry about—"
"I'd never forgive myself if something should happen to you—"
"I've imposed myself too much on you already—"
"No, no, you'll stay here," she insisted rather firmly this time, reaching for my hand again. I was near panic by now; what was I to do? Staying was out of the question, but how to get away from there? The only solution I could come up with was simply bolting for the door and running away. But what would that make them think? That might very well frighten them even more than they already were.
"She don't want to stay, Clairisse," Jacob then intervened. I thanked the gods silently. "Why don't ye just let her go, then?"
"You know that wouldn't be right!"
"She's trying to leave, Clairisse!" he said, more loudly this time. "Why don't we let her?"
"I'm quite certain I'll be safe," I said quietly, smiling as pleasantly as I could. I could sense Clairisse's frustration in having to give in to us. She alternated her glances first at him, then me, then him, until she sighed loudly and walked away, shaking her head.
"I'm sure someone else'll be happy to take you in," said Jacob, placing his hand on my back to turn me toward the door.
"Wait," Clairisse called suddenly, and Jacob turned to chastise her, only she stepped boldly past him and stopped in fron
t of me. She held a small bag in her hand.
"Take this with you, then," she said, closing my hands around the bag, "It'll give you some protection."
"But we need—"
"We have plenty of it left, Jacob!" she called to him curtly. I was curious as to the bag's contents; its smell answered my question before I opened it to peer inside.
"Garlic?" I said.
She nodded quickly. "It's said to be protection against the creatures," she whispered. "Keep it in your hand while y'walk, hold it in front of you always. And walk quickly!"
"Umm, thank you," I said. "Thank you, mistress—master. I'll even rub it all over me, if I have to!" I added, and made many quick bows on my way to the door. Finally I could get out of there. Clairisse followed me to the door and even watched me walk out into the night, holding the door slightly ajar all the while. I stopped some yards away from the house and looked over at her and smiled and waved a little. Then I pulled out a bulb and held it up for her to see, and began walking away.
As I continued walking I heard the door shut swiftly, followed by the sounds of locks being pushed and turned into place. I stopped and dropped the bulb back into the bag and closed it up and sighed. If these people were using garlic to protect themselves, no wonder they were so frightened…
Chapter 19
"I forbid you to return to that town," Agyar said after he had discovered my little escapade.
"They're terrified of you, you know," I said, ignoring his anger. "They're terrified to even leave their homes at night."
"They are not afraid of me," he insisted. "They fear my servants, I'm afraid."
"Then why don't you do something about it? Or do you like them running around terrorizing your people?"
"I cannot waste my time keeping track of every servant I have, Mara," he growled. "What they do on their own, once they have been fed—"
"—is go out into the village and frighten everyone, that's what they do!" I interrupted.
The Vampire Memoirs Page 19