My Mother in Law's Lover

by S M Mala

I give up!

  ‘Let me wash you up and you can give nana a hug,’ I say to Beth.

  ‘I’ll hug you loads later,’ Joan says grimacing at the thought of getting her white number covered in brown patches.

  Half of me is tempted to let Beth run wild but the other half knows I might end up on a mortuary slab if I did.

  ‘But nana I missed you,’ my daughter begs while struggling with me.

  Joan sighs as I reach for the wet wipes and quickly clean my kid’s face and hands.

  ‘Kiss her on the cheek and don’t touch her,’ I scold as Beth rushes up to Joan and for a moment I see that Joan doesn’t care if she gets mucky paw prints on her. Luckily she escapes without a hint of chocolate.

  ‘I love you Beth,’ she says and they smile at each other. ‘Why don’t you be a good girl and head up to bed and I’ll come and see you in a moment.’

  ‘Okay Nana,’ Beth dutifully says. If only she did that for me!

  We wait to hear her footsteps on the first floor.

  ‘Snack is it?’ she says looking at the kitchen table and seeing the cakes.

  ‘Saturday’s fete, as you well know.’

  What a bitch!

  ‘I asked Hal why he didn’t want you to go,’ she smirks.

  ‘I thought it was because I started asking him questions about his bit on the side,’ I say waiting for her reaction.

  I’m not taking this exclusion very well.

  ‘We might have had a small misunderstanding there,’ she says flicking her blond hair away from her face and glancing around the room. ‘You really pissed him off.’

  ‘Don’t remind me.’

  ‘It seems that,’ she’s beaming, I mean really smiling. ‘Hal’s got over his interest in fat, exotic and boring women.’

  ‘Really?’ I’m trying not to look upset at being dumped by the mother in law. ‘He told you this?’

  ‘Belle,’ she walks towards me and grabs my hand. ‘He’s done with you at long last and it has been months!’

  I grab my hand back from her bony digits and stand there trying to be dignified.

  ‘Hasn’t he got the guts to dump me himself then?’

  ‘Frankly I don’t think he can be bothered,’ she smiles and I have never seen her look so happy. ‘And before you do your usual ‘woes me’ bit, you knew the score and you had a good time, didn’t you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘And I shared him but now it’s over and you have to move on.’

  ‘Yes.’

  I’m beginning to feel completely unwanted. I put a smile on my face to show her that I’m fine.

  ‘He’s a shit if he can’t tell me face to face,’ I say. ‘You’ll be late.’

  ‘Christ I will! I need to greet the guests,’ she gushes and walks towards the door before turning. ‘You did serve your purpose, you know.’

  ‘How’s that?’

  ‘You made him realise I was worth sticking with,’ she smiles before walking out of the door before hissing. ‘Now you just leave him alone!’

  ‘Where’s Nana?’ Beth asks from the top of the stairs. ‘She said she’d read me a story.’

  ‘She said sorry,’ I reply forcing a smile and looking at my beautiful daughter. ‘She was late for Hal’s party.’

  ‘I don’t like him anymore,’ she says sulkily.

  ‘Me too.’

  Twenty Two

  The following Thursday I’ve dropped off Beth to see her nana. Even though her services are no longer required (a bit like me) the child wants to hang out in her grandmother’s pad on a week day. I think even Beth has had enough of me.

  I don’t know what to do with myself.

  I’m not quite sure how I feel about being ditched without being told but it doesn’t feel nice. I told Meena who said it was the best thing for me but I don’t think so.

  You know the silliest thing? I thought he cared for me but I completely misread the whole situation.

  How much crap did he tell me to get me in the sack?

  Not much.

  He was charming with words like he ‘loved me a little bit’ but I expect he loved getting his end bit away more.

  I need a treat of some sort and there’s so much chocolate I can eat. I freshen up and look at my watch. In ten minutes I would have been standing on Hal’s doorstep smiling at him, knowing I was going to get a whole lot of loving.

  Reminder to myself.

  Massive vibrator needed to facilitate a loss in sexual activity.

  It’s a lovely evening and I’m again feeling the resentment that builds up against couples when you’re single.

  Mind you I was single with Hal, just had regular sex and great company once a week. I swear he used to look pleased to see me but maybe that was a look of fear that I was going to bounce on his bones. I’ll never know.

  I can’t even call him as I know it’ll get back to Joan I’m begging. She’ll never let me forget it. I’ve been warned to keep away.

  I sit in the pub round the corner in the garden and order a large glass of white wine. I ponder the menu, with the intention of drowning my sorrows with food.

  My phone is ringing.

  It’s Hal.

  My heart pounds but it has been fourteen days since I spoke to him and not a word since.

  I will be honest and say I checked my phones every half an hour to see if they were working or if there was a fault on the BT line or my mobile provider. It was only on day fourteen, yesterday, I realised he didn’t want to speak to me.

  I’m not going to answer his call now. He’s probably making sure I’m not turning up to his house just in case it clashes with his new woman.

  I cut him off then place it on the table. He has left a voice message.

  ‘Hello,’ he says. ‘I take it I won’t be seeing you tonight? I’m sorry I haven’t been in contact but you know how things are?’

  I know how things are. I’m just a fuck buddy and little else.

  There’s a text message.

  ‘Where are you?’ it read.

  I don’t reply. Then there’s another message.

  ‘Why don’t you want to talk to me?’

  Okay I’ll tell him the truth.

  ‘You upset me and couldn’t be arsed to make contact for a fortnight! This fuck buddy knows when they’re not wanted.’

  How pitiful do I sound?

  His text reads,

  ‘Ouch!’

  I can’t reply because I know he’s taking the piss then another text.

  ‘If you’re not home then where are you?’

  I dial his number.

  ‘What do you want?’ I ask trying to sound calm but hearing my voice start to falter into a whimper.

  ‘Where are you?’ he asks and my heart beats fast on hearing his voice.

  ‘I’m having a nice evening on my own,’ I lie.

  ‘We need to talk,’ he says quite seriously and I don’t want to hear it.

  ‘Tell Joan and she’ll tell me,’ I say trying to be upbeat but failing.

  ‘Just hear what I have to say then I’ll go.’

  ‘I’m in the ‘Roebuck’ round the corner,’ I reply.

  I run to the toilet check my appearance which isn’t that bad, apply powder and lip gloss then run back to my seat, pretending that I look half decent without any effort.

  Five minutes later he walks in with his sunglasses on his head looking hot, seriously sexy and my heart is pounding like the clappers.

  ‘Hi,’ he says smiling but I can’t smile back as my face is frozen as if I’m suffering a stroke. ‘Can I sit?’

  ‘Yeah?’ I reply and look at my glass.

  ‘How are you?’ he gently asks.

  ‘Well. And how are you?’

  ‘Fantastic,’ he smiles and he looks it, pushing his fingers through his hair. ‘Do you want the same again or a bottle?’

  ‘You shouldn’t drink and drive, it might kill you,’ I say. ‘OH well let’s get a couple of bottles then!’ I’m trying to be light hear
ted but I see him grimace.

  ‘Ah, I see. You’re really pissed off with me?’

  ‘No contact from you in let’s see? Two weeks. Oh and getting my mother in law to tell me I’m dumped, nice move. Couldn’t your replacement make it tonight?’

  I know I’m not being cool. I could handle this better but being dumped is being dumped and it doesn’t matter how many angles you look at it.

  And Joan did the deed.

  Can you feel my pain?

  He’s making eye contact with a waitress and it’s obvious she thinks he’s gorgeous. I wonder if he’s doing it to upset me? It’s working.

  ‘Could we have a bottle of?’ He looks down the wine list. ‘That one please?’ The man smiles at the woman and they look at each other as if they’re going to have sex as I sit here like the doormat I am.

  I’ve gone back to being insecure again. I want to cry.

  ‘Okay,’ he begins putting his hands together and placing them over his lips, as if praying for something. ‘I was a little bit more than harsh when I spoke to you last time.’

  ‘You were honest and I was fine.’

  ‘You didn’t speak to me for the rest of the evening and left before I got up,’ he gently says leaning closer.

  ‘I had things to do.’

  ‘You were upset,’ he gently says. ‘You walked out of my home 2.47am in the morning without a word.’

  ‘What’s there to say?’ I reply feeling my tummy sink. ‘You told me how you felt about me and …’ I can’t think of anything to say as I suddenly feel upset and drink my wine.

  ‘I thought it was best to leave you alone.’

  ‘Just because I’m casual sex doesn’t mean I have to be told I mean nothing. I get enough of that from your Joan, okay?’ I whisper and sit back in my chair.

  ‘You know why we started seeing each other,’ he says seriously. ‘It was sex.’ He turns and smiles broadly as the waitress returns who offers him to taste the wine.

  I see him looking up at her flirting and wish he’d look at me like that right now. When he makes eye contact with me he looks a little embarrassed.

  ‘Shall I go and you can ask her out?’ I say. I know when someone is seriously rubbing salt into my wound.

  ‘Don’t be like that,’ he frowns.

  ‘Do you want me to say what you’re going to say?’ I ask realising that for the first time in all the months I have known him he looks uncomfortable.

  ‘What do you mean?’ he says sipping his wine and looking at the table.

  ‘Belle, thank you for being a great sport but I’m done now. I’ll say hello when we bump into each other but hopefully we won’t. Good luck on the man front, and baby, you’re going to need it,’ I say and gulp hard.

  Hal is sighing deeply and blowing his hair out of his face then smiles.

  ‘Okay I see,’ he says nodding his head. ‘I see you’re not fine about it.’

  ‘I’m not but I’ve got no choice,’ I blurt out. ‘Getting Joan to tell me I’m was a horrible thing for you to do.’

  ‘I know,’ he says calmly and looks at me with some concern. ‘She wasn’t supposed to say anything.’

  ‘So this is it?’ I say, knowing my voice is cracking.

  ‘You knew it was going to end one day,’ he gently says.

  I can’t look at him because I’m going to cry so I focus on my wine and blink back my tears.

  ‘I don’t want it to end,’ I say honestly knowing I shouldn’t. ‘I really like you.’

  ‘Oh Belle,’ he says putting his hands over his face and rubbing his eyes as he places his elbows on the table. ‘Baby, let me tell you something. I really like you but we can’t carry on.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘It’s run its course,’ he says and I gulp really hard.

  ‘Did I do something wrong?’

  ‘It has to stop, simple as that,’ he says looking at me. ‘The last thing in the world I want is for you to get hurt.’

  ‘I won’t get hurt,’ I say pathetically knowing I already am.

  ‘I think I know you well enough,’ he quietly says, leaning closer and kissing my nose. ‘You need to find someone who’s going to treat you right.’

  ‘So I’m dumped?’

  I’m hoping he’ll say ‘no’ but he looks at me with such pity I know I’m on the verge of crying but I can’t because that’ll really piss him off.

  ‘I better go.’ Hal stands up and looks down at me before stroking my face. ‘You look after yourself, okay? Happy birthday for next week, Belle.’

  ‘Yep, it’s going to be a great,’ I say forcing a smile. I watch him leave and now feel absolutely devastated. The bottle of wine is half full, which is pretty much like my life at the moment.

  I think I’m taking too much space as the waitress, who was so attentive to Hal, is flashing me really dirty looks to leave.

  ‘Unwanted’, that’s me.

  ‘Pitiful’ is another word.

  ‘Lush’, for draining the rest of the bottle of wine at quick speed.

  I walk towards my home but I’m blinded by tears as the sky slowly darkens. Summer is still lovely even if you’re officially your mother in law’s lover’s reject.

  I open my front door and know I’m going to face a dark, silent home with no one there waiting for me.

  I’m back to the same position I was a year ago and three years before that. It doesn’t feel better; it feels worse as I know what I’ve lost.

  I don’t know why I’m crying.

  Serves me right for falling for my mother in law’s lover, doesn’t it? I should know better.

  Twenty Three

  Back to square one.

  Being alone.

  No chance of meeting a new love.

  Even less chance of a good screw.

  Yes, I know, it was only a matter of time before it was going to get messed up. I should really know better as a 44 year old woman but I am regressing. I spent my birthday, four days after I saw Hal, fighting off the depression of middle age.

  The worst days are Thursdays.

  I sit there and try to keep busy, putting off thoughts about his new squeeze and what they’re doing. It was all about one thing on his side.

  Sex.

  And on my side it was love.

  I’m such a fool.

  The fact he was Joan’s squeeze and I wanted some sort of revenge for Josh is now irrelevant. It got all out of hand. I have to suffer looking at Joan’s cat arse face for the rest of my life, especially when she accidentally mentions Hal.

  It has been months since I’ve seen him. I want to ask how he is but she’s not been the same since he dumped me.

  I thought she’d be really happy and rubbing my face in it but she hasn’t. That’s weird. I wonder if there is some humility in her?

  Here I am looking at her sitting on the sofa in deep thought. Even tonight, a family meal, Joan’s been very quiet. Something is troubling her but I daren’t ask as I suspect it has got something to do with Hal and I’ve learnt my lesson when it comes to him.

  We’re staying the night round Joan’s. It was her request. She said she’d like the company. It’s not normal for her. I cart Beth off to bed as soon as I catch her yawning with the intention of following shortly.

  ‘How are you?’ Joan asks softly, which worries me, as I return to the room and sit opposite her.

  ‘I’m fine. Are you feeling okay?’

  ‘Yes marvellous! I’m going away with Hal for the weekend,’ she forces a smile then looks at me. ‘Isn’t he lovely for doing something like that?’

  ‘Yes,’ I say not wanting to admit that I’m envious as hell. ‘Anywhere nice?’

  ‘Milan,’ she smiles and lights up a cigarette. ‘I’m not a fan but he has friends.’

  I look at her and force a smile, jealous she has him but that was inevitable. I’m also relieved that I’ve got nothing to do with the warped triangle (or octagon if it’s got anything to do with him).

  ‘Are you see
ing anyone at the moment?’ she asks with a glint in her eye letting me know she can still tear me limb for limb on a whim.

  ‘I’m concentrating on my child and work.’

  ‘Have you tried the dating agencies?’ she says suddenly enthusiastically. ‘I hear they give you your money back if you don’t find someone in six months. That’s quite a good offer.’

  ‘As I won’t find someone, is that what you’re saying?’

  Such a bitch! Go on Joan rub it in that no one is interested in me. Even your lover preferred your old chap flaps to my fat ones. My sympathetic streak for her has done a dash.

  ‘Whatever I say, you take it the wrong way,’ she sighs then her face looks sad.

  ‘So everything is perfect with you and Hal?’ I ask. She looks at me as if she’s clicking something over.

  ‘Why wouldn’t it be?’ she eventually says and lights up a cigarette. ‘Have you heard to the contrary?’

  ‘And who would tell my anything other than you?’

  ‘He doesn’t contact you?’

  ‘You know he doesn’t!’ I try and disguise MY disappointed but a flicker crosses her face.

  ‘Do you miss him?’

  I don’t know what to say.

  ‘Yes,’ I eventually answer receiving a smug look.

  ‘And if he ever wanted to see you again?’ Joan challengingly asks.

  ‘That’s not going to happen.’

  ‘You’re not seeing him on the sly are you?’

  ‘No,’ I snap wishing I was.

  ‘I see,’ she says and returns to being glum. ‘Are you sure he never told you about anyone else?’

  ‘Listen, asking questions got me dumped.’

  ‘Being you got you dumped.’

  ‘I know,’ I sigh and feel sick again.

  ‘He’s definitely seeing someone, I know the signs but he’s not telling me who.’

  ‘Maybe because he’s not,’ I say in his defence though the idea of him ditching me for someone else makes me feel pretty low yet highly probable.

  ‘I’ll find out,’ she says smiling brightly. ‘I always do.’

  ‘You make out you’re all chilled with his knob going to other places but you’re so paranoid about the whole thing. You’re lying to yourself.’

  She’s now laughing out loudly for the first time in ages then she stops and stubs out her cigarette.