Chef

by Throsby, Lynda

  He sneers at me but doesn't speak.

  “What is your fucking problem?”

  He's not on my property so I can't order him to leave. He is where he had Macen on the floor yesterday, and that thought is all it takes. I fly for him, grab him by the neck, and pin him to the wall. He’s no match to my height and build. I might be a chef, but I'm built like a tank. I learned a long time ago, when I was in the homes, that being skinny and small was bad for me. Luckily, I grew tall, and I took to working out at a very young age so I could protect myself from ever being bullied again. Now I have muscles any linebacker would be proud of.

  He grabs my wrists, trying to get me to release him, but I tighten my grip on him. I’ve lifted him off the floor without even realizing it. “What is your fucking problem?” I shout into his face. He can't answer because I have him by the throat. I release him, he falls to the floor, and I kick him in the thigh, hard.

  I step back. I don't want anyone to come around the corner and see this. Fuck. I turn my back on him, and I hear him move. I turn to look at him as he stands, making sure he doesn't take a run at me. “Reid, you need to stop all this shit. I don't know what your problem is with Macen or me, but it has to stop now before someone gets hurt.”

  He still doesn't speak. He straightens himself out and just casually saunters past me like he doesn't have a care in the world.

  “Oh, and Reid,” I say before he disappears. “You lay one more fucking finger on Macen, and I will break every fucking bone in your hands. You will never work in a kitchen again. You get me?”

  He just shrugs and walks away, not saying a word. That guy is not right in the head. I hate how I lost it so easily with him. I never do that. Yes, I lose my temper in the kitchen, but that's my domain, where I'm king and I rule, out here in the real world, I never do that.

  Everyone’s here except Macen. She should have been here a few minutes ago. Panic sets in. Where is she? I’m front of house, just pulling my cell out of my pocket to call her, when she comes rushing to the front doors, out of breath. I rush over to let her in, and I scan her from head to toe. “Macen, are you okay?” I have her head in my hands. This startles her, and she looks around at the employees who are watching us.

  She pulls away from me. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I was late getting up because I didn’t sleep much last night.” She steps closer so she can whisper. “Your driver was amazing getting me here in record time. If it weren’t for him, I’d be even later.” She smiles, then moves around me, heading for the employee room to get changed. I’m turning into a right pussy. I was in a panic, wondering where she was, and with one smile, she melts my heart.

  It’s been a long day and one without incident. I see Macen heading to the employee room to get changed, ready to go home. I wait for her near the door so I can see she gets home okay. I smile when she notices me waiting. She smiles back — I love those dimples. “Caspian, you don't have to see me home. Your driver will make sure I get in safely. I don't want to put you to all this trouble. I'm more than grateful for your driver, and I will pay you back for using him, I promise.”

  I hold up my hand to stop her from talking. “No, Mace, you will not pay me back. I want to make sure you're safe. I feel responsible because all this shit started after I gave you a job here.”

  She shakes her head and goes to speak, but I cut her off.

  “Now, come on. Let's get you home.”

  I hold out my hand for her to take. She looks around at the staff milling about, then shrugs and takes my hand in hers.

  We walk through the restaurant, me nodding and saying hello to the patrons as we go, doing the same outside as we get into the waiting car. I see some paparazzi on the sidewalk, and they snap pictures of me holding Macen’s hand and us getting into the car together. Honestly, I don’t give a fuck what they write about me anymore.

  Macen

  I COULDN’T SLEEP last night, thinking about Reid and wondering why he was doing this, but also thinking about my feelings for Caspian.

  I had an instant attraction to him the first time I met him, during my works experience at Casper's, but I was just a young kid to him, and he didn't look twice at me. Then, at my interview, I felt the connection to him and got all those feelings I have never had for anyone before. I still can’t fathom out why he seems attracted to me. I’ve seen him with stunning and famous women and they look nothing like me, in fact, only last week he was snapped in LA on top of a model outside an exclusive club. I'm not ashamed to admit I felt a stab of jealousy.

  I've done a few Internet searches on him, well more than a few, and he's usually snapped with different women on his arm, and they are always stunning. I'm not his type at all, so why is he being like this with me? Why is he being so protective? Maybe it’s guilt because if he hadn’t given me the job, then none of this would be happening…

  I'm scared though. I've never had a boyfriend — what if he just wants one thing from me? What if I can't give him, or anyone for that matter, what they want because intimacy freaks me out? When he finds out about Dixon, or that I'm damaged, he probably won't want to deal with all that, and he may bolt anyway.

  I knew Caspian would be worried because I wasn't in work, but when he yanked the door open and looked me over to make sure I was okay, I fell even deeper for him. He really cares, and that makes me happy.

  The day goes by quickly. I love it. I don't have any worries about being watched, and I learn so much from Tommy. I don't see Caspian much during the day. It's been so busy that I hardly have time to eat, and I haven't had the chance to sample any more of the meals yet to give my opinions on them. At the end of my shift, I go and get ready to leave, and as I walk out of the employee room, Caspian is waiting for me. The nicer he is to me, the more I fall for him. He insists on coming with me, and we walk out the front, holding hands. I'm sure I saw people taking pictures of us. Is that what it would be like to be with him? To be seen out with him— would we always be snapped? He’s a celebrity chef after all. I forget that at times.

  When we get into the car, Caspian pulls me into his side and puts his arm around me. He’s holding my hand, with his other hand resting on his thigh. I’ve been in my own little bubble in here, cuddling into his side, enjoying the closeness and the contact, and the feelings I've never had before of being loved and wanted. I've only ever had this from my momma and Grandma.

  “I had another run-in with Reid this morning,” he says, out of the blue. I pull back from him to look him in the face. “What, when? What happened?” He tells me what happened, and there goes the little bubble I was enjoying. I don't know how much more I can take of all this. I put my head in my hands and shake my head. “Mace, I'm sorry I did that to him. I’m not a violent person at all. In fact, I loathe violence, but I snapped thinking about what he did to you yesterday — the fact that he touched you and hurt you.”

  I look up at him. “Please don't apologize, Caspian. He deserves it. I'm just not sure how much more we can take, and I’m worried in case it escalates to something more. I'm scared, and the police won't do anything until he does something, it's all wrong.”

  He pulls me back into his side, and we ride in silence, with him kissing the top of my head every now and then, and stroking my arm.

  As we get nearer to my apartment, I pray Grandma doesn’t come out with Dixon.

  The car pulls up outside, and I get out. Caspian gets out with me this time. Shit, I can't invite him up — Dixon will still be up waiting for me. We stand on the sidewalk, facing each other. He rubs both my arms, then pulls me into his chest. I rest my cheek on him, and I wrap my arms around his waist. We stand like that for what seems like ages, not speaking. It's so comforting. I pull away slightly, not letting go, just moving enough so I can see his face. “I'm sorry I can't invite you up, Grandma isn't feeling too good and will no doubt be in her nightdress. I don't think she would appreciate her first meeting with you dressed like that.” I smile, trying to make light of the situation but hate lying to
him.

  He smiles then nuzzles my nose with his. “It's okay, Mace, I wouldn't want to upset Grandma. Look, you're not in for the next couple of days, but if you need me for anything just ring me, okay?”

  I nod, yes, but I won't ring him. “Also, if you want to go anywhere and need the driver, here is his card and number. Just call and tell him what time to pick you up. He will be there. Please use him. I don't want you walking around alone until this business with Reid is sorted.”

  I take the card from him. “Thank you, Caspian. You don't have to do all this. I'm not sure why you keep me around when I'm so much trouble, but thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

  He widens his stance so he’s more my level, and pulls me in slightly by his hands on the base of my spine. I now have both my hands on his chest. He leans down and places his lips on mine, and I start to melt. He makes my scalp and shoulders tingle, I have butterflies in my tummy, and I can't breathe. “Breath, Mace,” he mutters on my lips, causing me to smile, which opens my mouth and his tongue darts in. We kiss, and the feelings are now making me tingle everywhere. It's like tiny pinpricks all over, especially my scalp. He pulls me into him more, and I move my arms and wrap them around his waist. The kiss deepens quickly, and we are dueling with our tongues. I've seen films where they do this, but I had no idea this was normal.

  We stand, kissing for ages. It's getting a little bit heated, but I love it. We’re both pressing our bodies into each other, then I feel him, like I did the other night, he's hard, and I feel it on my tummy. Shit, the images of the night I was attacked run through my head. I can't help it — I freeze, with my eyes and lips screwed closed. I drop my arms to my sides and stand like a statue. I want the images to go, and I want the feelings to go. I'm chanting in my head: it's not real, it's not real. “Macen, Macen.” I can feel him rubbing my arms. It's my attacker — go away. I want to scream at him to leave me alone, but my mouth feels full, and I can't see. I smell him, I hear him breathe, and I feel him on top of me. I feel him hard on me. I want to die.

  “Macen, baby, look at me, open your eyes, Macen, open your eyes, baby.” I hear this voice. My attacker didn't speak — that’s not him. “Macen, please look at me, come back to me, baby.” This voice is soothing, although it sounds frantic. I feel he's rubbing my arms up and down as if trying to warm me. He's so close to me that I can feel his breath on my face as he repeats my name. “Macen, Macen, come on, baby, come back. Come on, let's sit you in the car.”

  I don't move, but I slowly open my eyes to look at him. I let out my breath because I feel as though I’m suffocating. Caspian is standing in front of me. I’m with Caspian. I collapse into his chest and cry with relief. He just holds me tight to him. “It's you. Thank you. It's you,” I chant, over and over, relieved it's Caspian. He rubs the back of my head and kisses the top of it. “It's okay, baby, I'm here. I've got you. I won't let you go.” He has no idea of the trauma I’ve been through, but he's saying he's got me. Once I tell him about the damage, he won't want me. No man will want me knowing I may never be able to have another child — or be able to carry his child.

  We stand there for a while until I calm down. He pushes me back slightly and stoops to be at my level. “Are you okay? I'm not going to pressure you into telling me what happens or where you go, but just know, I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere, but when you want to tell me, I will listen. It's obvious you have demons. I have them too — believe me. I want you to trust me, okay?”

  I nod, yes, and wipe my nose on a tissue. “I'm sorry,” I whisper to him. He pulls me back into his chest, cradling my head. “Do not apologize for anything, Mace. You have no need to apologize, baby.”

  Is this arrogant, cocky man for real? I think I've fallen in love with the loving and caring side of this man. No, who am I kidding? I AM in love with him. Which is why I need to let him go. I can’t drag him into my damaged world.

  We say goodbye, and he makes sure I shut the front door. I turn to wave and the sight of him there on the sidewalk with his legs apart, and his hands in his trouser pockets floors me. His black curly hair is a mess, and he looks so beautiful as he watches me. He smiles a big smile at me as I wave and shut the door.

  I spend time with Dixon. He's like my personal therapy. We laugh and tickle, and then I read him a story in bed.

  I sit with Grandma and tell her everything. “Macen, I love you with all my heart. I love seeing these fleeting moments of happiness you are having, but maybe you do need to go and see someone for help. I can see you're head over heels in love with Caspian, but you're scared to start anything, and you want to push him away because you're scared to get intimate.”

  She's right.

  “Don't let your attacker ruin your life, Macen. Don't let him win and take it from you. Maybe do as Caspian asks and talk to him. Maybe he can be the one to guide you, take you on the journey you should have experienced, and maybe that will take away all the negativity surrounding intimacy for you. Let him show you what it's like to be loved. Let him show you what it's like to make love.”

  I feel myself blush. I want to try, I do, but the fear of it makes me freeze, and I can't do that to him. Then I think of Dixon and huff out, and she looks at me, raising a brow. “I just remembered, he doesn't even know about Dixon. I was trying to tell him, and he interrupted me. He won't want a single momma anyway, so there will be no making love or talking to Caspian.”

  “Then you make sure you tell him about Dixon, and you will know one way or the other.”

  I roll my eyes.

  I’m taking Dixon to school, as it’s my day off today. I can't let Reid rule my life. We’re holding hands and swinging our arms singing his favorite song, Baby Shark. He stops every now and then to do the shark mouth action with his hand. “Come on, Dixon, we will never get to school on time at this rate.” We round the corner, and I stop dead, halting Dixon with a jerk. Reid is there, leaning against the railings of a house.

  “Momma, what's wrong?” I look down at Dixon and smile trying not to look scared. I don't want to alarm him, so I crouch down and straighten his coat. “Nothing, Dix, I just thought of something. Come on, let's cross the street and go down the other road. I'm sure it's a little quicker.” I stand up, take his hand and cross the road to head down a different street. I don't look back. I don't want to see if Reid’s following us or if he's moved. I quicken our pace a little, still trying not to alarm Dixon. I start our song again to appear normal.

  I say goodbye to Dixon in the school, and I start to walk home. I'm looking everywhere to see if Reid is anywhere to be seen, but I don't see him. I walk quickly. Usually, I would put my ear pods in and listen to my audiobook, but I need to be able to hear in case someone comes up behind me. I keep checking just to make sure I'm not being followed. I'm only a street away from home when I get the feeling — the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. He's here. I don't look around, and I start to jog, which turns into a run to get home and to safety. I hear footsteps behind me. Is it him? I can't look. I run up the steps to my door, fumbling with my keys? I'm just about to put the key in when his hand comes around and stops me. He's pressed up against my back. I screw my eyes shut. My arms are in front of me, wedged between my body and the door, so I can't even move them. He sniffs my neck and then licks my ear. I'm frozen to the spot.

  His hands start to come around my body to the front. He pulls me into his chest, which releases my hands. I don’t have my gloves on, and I dig my nails into his hands, and pull them, leaving deep scratches in both hands. He pulls them away. ”Ahh, you fucking bitch,” he yells, then he grabs my hair and slams my head into the door. I’m stunned, and my head starts to throb.

  “Leave me alone, Reid. What do you want with me?” I scream at him. He's still gripping my hair and pulls it back so he can look down into my face. The evil I see there scares the shit out of me. I fear for my life at this point.

  “I told you, you're mine now. Don't go near that dickhead again. If I see you with him,
your kid gets it.” He grits this out right next to my ear before licking it again and clamping his teeth into it. I scream out. He slams my head hard into the door again. Just then the door opens, and he lets go, sprinting down the steps and running away. I slump to the floor, terrified and shaking, as I curl up into a ball.

  “Macen, Macen dear, what happened.” It’s Mrs. Klamenski, my neighbor. She bends down and tries to help me to my feet. “Oh dear, Macen, did you fall? You’ve cut your head, and it’s bleeding quite a lot. Come on, let’s get you up to your place.” I get up, I’m wobbly on my feet, and I don’t speak, grabbing my keys off the floor. I look both ways down the street to see if Reid is still around. I have the feeling of being watched, and although I can’t see him, I know he’s there somewhere.

  Mrs. Klamenski helps me inside my apartment. I feel dizzy and nauseous. I just want to sit down on the couch and sleep. I don’t call out for Grandma, but she must hear Mrs. Klamenski speaking and comes to see what’s going on. I fall onto the couch, curl up, and close my eyes. “Macen, Macen? What’s happened? Macen, can you hear me.” I can hear her, but I don’t want to speak. I just mumble. I can hear Mrs. Klamenski speaking, but I don’t know what she’s saying. I hear Grandma, but again don’t know what she’s saying. One of them shakes me. I don’t want to speak. I just want to sleep.

  Caspian

  I’M STANDING NEXT to the car. I haven’t moved yet. I’m starting to think that something bad has happened to Macen in her past. She's frozen on me twice now. On both occasions, I have been rock hard, and on both occasions, I know she felt it, and as soon as she did, she froze. She goes into her own little world of panic, and I can see the turmoil and horror on her face each time. Both times, all I've wanted to do is love her and reassure her that everything is okay, but she froze me out.

  Did I just say ‘love her’? Fuck, I do love her. It's just hit me. I fucking love her. I will do anything to protect her, and all I want to do is take care of her. How the hell did that happen? When did that creep up on me? I have never loved anyone. I run my hand over my face and through my hair. Fuck. Now I want to go in there and tell her I love her. If I do, it will probably freak her out. God knows, I'm freaked out by it.