Separation Anxiety

by Lisa Suzanne

  The worst part of all of it was that I didn’t know how long it was going to last, and that was the thought that plagued me the most every single night as I tried to sleep.

  Instead of sleep offering me a sweet reprieve, I stared restlessly at the ceiling in the darkness of Quinn’s guest room. Each night I got in bed a little after ten, and I stared at the ceiling until just after two. The alarm rang shrilly at its normal time. I was averaging three or four hours of sleep per night, and I knew I couldn’t go on like that for long, but the only fix for my problem was Jesse Drake.

  I was exhausted and miserable without Jesse. The sleepless nights were due to a mixture of events. For one thing, I was scared I was going to lose my job; but that wasn’t as awful as the fear that I might lose Jesse because of this. We’d promised each other that we were going to make it past this, but two months with no contact from a person was a long time. I was terrified that his feelings for me were going to change in that time we were apart while my own feelings only grew deeper and stronger for him. I couldn’t take the fear that gripped my heart, but I also couldn’t take the risk of both of us losing our jobs over something that had never actually happened. Neither of us would ever find jobs in any school district if we were fired because of a scandal, and if I ran to Jesse, I’d fuck up the entire investigation and then we’d both be left with nothing.

  I was certain that Richard was watching us closely, and that scared the hell out of me. I wasn’t sure what he was capable of, but I was certain that he’d gotten the revenge he had wanted. This was why he’d been so quick to sign the papers, and I wondered how long he lurked around or who he’d hired to do his dirty work to snap that picture of Jesse and me.

  I went to happy hour that first week, hoping for the chance to see Jesse outside of school, but he never showed. And I realized that I wasn’t in a “happy” kind of mood after that, so I declined invitations to sit and drink with my friends, preferring the company of my pillow, my tissues, and my memories.

  I used the time to reflect on all that had happened in my life since I’d met Jesse.

  He’d always been the one meant for me; I knew that now. But Richard had stepped in and mesmerized me with his charm. The more I thought about Richard, the more I realized that he wasn’t the one who had changed. I was.

  He’d always been controlling. He’d always wanted things his way. He’d always been manipulative. And he was still the same way.

  But he had loved me; at least at the time I thought it had been love. He took care of me and provided for me and made me promises. The problem was that I believed him when he promised me things, but he never delivered. He promised me a life full of happiness, but looking back at our five years together, I couldn’t really think of a single time when I’d really laughed one of those gut-wrenching laughs that leaves your abs sore for days. I couldn’t think of a time when he’d done something to make me happy that didn’t include buying something for me.

  I thought of his promise to love and cherish me. It had never been about love for us. It had been about a big wedding and materialistic things. He never cherished me. He took me for granted, and so when I suggested a trial separation while we still lived together, it really hadn’t affected the way he lived his life. I still did his laundry. I still washed the dishes. He still had a clean house to come home to, with the added bonus of living in the same house with a wife who didn’t nag him because I didn’t even talk to him.

  I had spent so much time blaming him for turning into an asshole, which he undoubtedly was, especially given my current situation. In reality, though, I had just grown up. I had changed. In my early twenties, sparkly jewelry and designer clothes and fancy cars were enough. But I grew out of that phase and realized that those things didn’t really mean anything. What truly meant something was love. It meant being there for each other, needing each other, suffocating without each other.

  To me, that was Jesse Drake.

  After I had that realization, I called my mother. I made plans to visit my parents that weekend. Weekends were the worst during the time I was apart from Jesse because I had all the time in the world to contemplate how depressed I felt. So I planned a quick weekend visit, and after my dad had gone to bed one night, my mom and I sat at the kitchen table.

  “Do you remember when you told me that if I put Richard first, we’d be able to work things out?” I asked her.

  She said she remembered, and so I continued. “I did put him first, but Richard never once put me first. Not once in the past five years.”

  “So you’re really ending things?” she asked, avoiding the dreaded “D” word.

  “Yes,” I said, nodding.

  “Is that what’s got you all tied up in knots?” she asked, somehow instinctively knowing as my mother that it wasn’t.

  I shook my head as tears filled my eyes, and I felt her hand cover mine.

  “What is it?” she asked.

  I sniffled and wiped my eyes, and then I told her the whole sordid story, from when I realized things had started falling apart with Richard, to the night Jesse took me to his place, to the scandal that was surely Richard’s doing.

  By the time I was done, my mom stood up and pulled me into her arms, comforting me with a mother’s love. She had come through for me, and it was then that I realized that part of the reason I’d stayed with Richard for all of that wasted time was because I didn’t want to disappoint her. But now she understood, and as she hugged me tightly, I finally felt at peace. All I could do was hold onto the hope that my time apart from Jesse would end soon, that he’d still be waiting for me and we could finally be together, maybe even with the support of my family.

  One Saturday night in early May, Quinn decided that she’d had enough. She declared that we were going to go out. She picked out my clothes for me, did my hair and make-up, and mixed me a strong vodka and Sprite.

  It felt good to have a friend like Quinn, but I wasn’t in the partying kind of mood. She knew that but ignored it, thinking that if we just went out for a night of fun, I’d snap out of my funk.

  The only thing that was going to snap me out of my funk was Jesse Drake.

  I had severely strong emotions during this period of time. Either I loved with all of my heart (Jesse), or I hated and resented with everything inside of me (Richard and that bitch I liked to call Fate). Everything else fell into the indifference category.

  I craved everything about him. I missed the way he smelled like man and Christmas pine and happiness. I missed his tattoo and his washboard abs. I missed his kitchen and his comfy couch and the bed we shared in his guest room. I missed his labels facing out in the most organized refrigerator I’d ever seen, especially when I opened Quinn’s rather haphazard fridge. I missed his heart and the way he took care of everyone around him and put everyone else first. I missed the haunted look in his eyes that was magically cured when he took me in his arms. And most of all, I missed the way he loved me, how he showed me how much he loved me without sex and without words.

  I looked toward the end of the school year with renewed hope. I wanted each day to pass faster, because I knew that somehow we’d find our way back to each other once school was out for the summer and we didn’t have the threat of our jobs being taken from us. Once Richard and I were finally divorced, I’d be able to date whoever I wanted, and I wouldn’t have the public eye of my students and their parents and the entire community judging me for being married while living with another man.

  My night out with Quinn was an epic fail. I couldn’t help it; I just wasn’t good company. I was depressed and in a dark place, and taking me out and parading me in front of hot guys wasn’t the solution. Not only was I despondent because of the Jesse situation, but I was also still married. I didn’t need more guys hitting on me to complicate my life even more.

  I just held onto the hope that Jesse had given me on our last night together: We’d made a promise that we were going to have our night in June, and I was still determined to ma
ke that happen. I just hoped that he was still determined, too.

  Quinn finally took me home when she realized that I was in no mood to be out in public, and we drank some more together at home. I was feeling pretty drunk, but where I usually felt giggly when I was tipsy, that night, the alcohol just filled me with sadness.

  She sat nervously on the couch next to me while I leaned back and stared up at the ceiling. “Can I talk to you?” she asked.

  “Of course, Quinn,” I said, turning my head to face my friend.

  “I have a confession to make,” she declared. She looked nervously at me and then away from me.

  “What?” I asked. Her nervousness was making me nervous, too.

  “It’s just…” She sighed and then restarted. “You think this was Richard’s doing, right?”

  “The Scandal?” I asked, using the understated nickname we’d given to my situation with Jesse.

  She nodded. “It’s just…” she trailed off.

  “‘It’s just’ what?”

  “I think I might be the one who gave Richard the idea to break you and Jesse up,” she blurted out, almost like it was one long word.

  I sat and stared at her for a moment, sure I hadn’t heard her right.

  “What?” I finally asked, my voice coming out angrier than I’d intended. I paused and took a deep breath. This was my best friend. Surely she hadn’t done something so horrible as to physically rip Jesse away from me. “How did you give Richard the idea?”

  “I was out with Caleb, and we were sitting at a bar. Richard was there, and he came over and chatted. You know that I’ve known Richard longer than I’ve known you, even though you’re my best friend now.”

  I nodded.

  “So we were just talking about scandals, and I mentioned to him that when I first started working at Central, there was a scandal between an assistant principal and the school secretary. People got pictures of them in the act at school and leaked them to the press, and both of them were fired.”

  I stared at Quinn, completely dumbfounded. I didn’t respond; I couldn’t. Between the alcohol and the confession she had just made, I was feeling a mass of contradicting emotions. For one, I was pissed. Why would she even think that it was okay to talk to Richard, let alone discuss scandals with him at a bar over drinks? But I knew that reacting with anger wouldn’t help anything.

  “Say something,” she finally blurted nervously.

  I sighed, working hard to remain calm. “Quinn, Richard could’ve read about that scandal in the newspaper and used it to his advantage. I don’t blame you for this.”

  “Thank God. I just have never seen you like this, and if it was my fault in any way, I had to tell you. I’ve felt guilty about this for weeks.”

  “I’m more pissed that you kept it from me for weeks than I am that it happened, but it doesn’t matter. What’s done is done and it’s all a fucking waiting game at this point anyway.”

  She leaned in and hugged me. “I’m so sorry for what you’re going through,” she said softly.

  CHAPTER 16

  It was the third week of May when I was called into Human Resources, just two days before graduation.

  Jesse was already seated in the office, a desk separating him from our district superintendent of Human Resources, Dr. Wooden. There was an empty chair next to Jesse that Dr. Wooden pointed to when I entered the room. I barely saw him motion to the chair because my eyes locked on Jesse’s for the first time in over two months. His eyes still looked haunted, but I saw his lips curl at the corners when he saw me, and I felt my own face break out into a smile as well. I didn’t know what this meeting was about, but I did know that we had done nothing wrong. I immediately felt the pressure and anxiety that had been pushing down on my shoulders for two months lift off of me. The only thing I feared now was leaving this place without getting a moment alone with Jesse.

  I knew immediately when his eyes met mine that nothing had changed. It didn’t matter that we hadn’t had any contact with each other since that last morning we had together in his kitchen. The love we shared still burned brightly, maybe even brighter than before. As the cliché goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder; I didn’t think it was possible to love Jesse more than I already did, but I felt a wave of love course through my veins just from being in the same room as him as my heart picked up its rate.

  I sat, and Dr. Wooden began the meeting.

  “Mr. Drake, Mrs. Thomas,” Dr. Wooden said. The random thought flashed through my mind that he should be calling Jesse “Dr. Drake.”

  Dr. Wooden continued, “Thank you both for meeting with me today. We have reviewed the video tapes from the timeframe of the accusations and have found nothing to substantiate the claims. You’re both cleared of all charges of any wrongdoing. Please accept our apologies on behalf of the entire district. We recommend that you steer clear of one another for the next few days until graduation is over.”

  My heart soared. We were cleared!

  “Dr. Wooden, while I appreciate the apology, you must realize what this has done to both of our reputations,” Jesse said. I hadn’t really considered that when I’d already started my celebration in my head.

  “We’re well aware of the consequences of these unfounded accusations, but Mr. Drake, surely you can’t deny that something was going on between the two of you,” Dr. Wooden responded.

  “What we do outside of the school day is none of this district’s business.”

  “That’s not entirely true. When pictures of our employees surface that are as sexual in nature as the one that was splashed across the local news, it becomes our business to ensure a safe atmosphere for our students.”

  “Their safety was never once in question. Veronica and I fell in love on our own time. We did nothing wrong.”

  “I don’t mean to sound condescending by saying this, Mr. Drake, but Mrs. Thomas is, in fact, married. Some may argue that a relationship with a married woman would not be considered doing ‘nothing wrong.’”

  My head swung back and forth between them as I sat quietly, taking it all in. I felt like I was watching a tennis match.

  Jesse’s eyes narrowed. “Regardless, all I’m asking for is retribution for our suffering.”

  “Unfortunately, my hands are tied monetarily. We paid you for the days you were placed on administrative leave, so I can’t offer any additional money.”

  “I’m not looking for money,” he said. He wasn’t?

  Dr. Wooden voiced the question in my head. “Then what is it that you want?”

  “A public apology. A statement that says that this district was wrong in its accusations against us. I want it in the newspapers and filmed for the local news.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Mr. Drake,” Dr. Wooden said.

  “It’s the least you can do,” Jesse said, standing. “Are we done here?”

  Dr. Wooden nodded, a perplexed look on his face. I don’t think he was quite sure how Jesse turned the meeting completely around, but he managed to do it with sophisticated charm.

  But, then, that was Jesse Drake’s way.

  Jesse held his hand out to me, and I gladly placed my hand in his. I felt electrical tingles shoot up my spine as his skin touched mine. The realization that it was finally over hit me, and a mixture of relief and complete happiness and absolute love for the man next to me washed over me. The devastation that had filled my heart with dread for two months was over, and now I just had a few more weeks until my split with Richard would be finalized. And then… our night.

  We walked out the front doors of the district office hand-in-hand in a very liberating moment. Richard could go fuck himself. Jesse and I were going to be together, and no matter how hard Richard tried to split us up, he wouldn’t be able to. Our bond was stronger than titanium, and after what we’d just been through, after being completely separated for two entire months, things were still the same. That only told me that we’d be able stand as a united team against whatever life threw at us.
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br />   Jesse walked me to my car, his fingers still linked through mine. I wanted his mouth on me. I wanted his hands all over my body. I had missed his touch, the way he held me, the way he soothed and kissed and whispered.

  “I want to kiss you so fucking bad, but not here. Not after all that’s happened. Come home with me.” His voice was a soft command, and I knew I’d do whatever he told me to do. He didn’t even have to ask.

  I followed him home.

  Home.

  It wasn’t just his house anymore. I felt like it was my home, now, too, and I had missed the hell out of it.

  I missed that kitchen. I missed his workbench. I missed our bed.

  And most of all, I had missed everything about Jesse.

  Jesse pulled into the garage and I pulled in beside him, to the space he had cleared for my car. I cut my engine and then I heard the garage door closing behind me. He jumped out of his truck and strode across the garage to my driver’s side door. I was still gathering my purse, and I didn’t see him appear beside me, but suddenly he opened my car door and was hauling me out of my car and into his waiting arms.

  It was like he was an animal who had just been released from his cage. He couldn’t even wait to get me into the house before his lips crashed to mine, one hand holding me around my waist and the other thrust into my hair. His tongue aggressively met mine as I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tightly to me as my fingers dove into his hair.

  He kicked my door shut. I moaned into him and he shifted us so I was pressed between him and my car door as he groaned back into me. The throaty rasp of his groan mixed with his hard body pinning me to my car soaked my panties and sent my desire into overdrive.

  His hands slowly outlined the length of my torso and my hips and then moved down to my ass, a slow contrast to his fevered tongue battering violently against mine. He grabbed a handful of my ass and then moved his hands further down to my thighs. He pulled one of my thighs up and I wrapped it around his waist. He used the car to prop me up, and I brought up my other leg to wrap around him, locking my feet behind his back. He rammed his hips up hard into me, bucking against me wildly as I willingly took whatever he would give me.