A Staten Island Love Letter- The Forgotten Borough

by Jahquel J.

  “Ma, she don’t need to hear this right now. You know why she didn’t go away to college,” Liberty defended me, like she always did.

  “She needs to take that offer and go to Clark Atlanta. She got into that good school and is sticking around here to go to this community college,” my mother continued.

  “I’ll go away. I’ll go to Atlanta and do college,” I surrendered. After tonight, my life could have been ended. Instead of sitting on this couch hyperventilating, I could have been in the back of a cop car going to be booked in jail. If my mama wanted me to go away, then I would do it.

  “Night, mama,” Liberty said and pulled me into our bedroom we shared. Justice, our little sister poked her head out of her bedroom. Justice was seventeen and about to graduate high school.

  “Why are y’all so loud?”

  “Something happened to Free, and she won’t speak in front of mommy.”

  Justice came across the hall and closed our bedroom door. “What happened, Free?” she was concerned.

  “I…I…I almost got caught with Ghost’s bricks in my car. I was pulled over by the cops,” I choked out and started crying.

  Liberty pulled me into her arms and sighed. “Is that why you want to go away now?”

  “Y…ye—”

  “Her entire life could have ended tonight. I think she should go to school out of state. You need to leave Ghost alone, he’s living a life that you don’t need to live.” Justice stood there with her hand on her hip. Out of all of us, she was on the thicker side. It didn’t bother Justice though, she loved being the plus size sister and her confidence was out of this world.

  “I don’t know,” Liberty sighed. “Atlanta. It happened once, Free. How do you know it will happen again?”

  I sighed because I understood what both of them were saying. My heart was still beating and all I was thinking about was the fact that my life could have ended tonight. I had goals and a future to live for and that didn’t include doing time for a man.

  “I’m going. I’m going to email the admissions office and see if it’s too late for me to transfer over. I have to,” I sobbed.

  “And if you were smart, you would leave Pook alone,” Justice added while narrowing her eyes at Liberty.

  Liberty was in a relationship with a hustler named Pook. He was currently sitting in jail awaiting his sentencing and she was so in love with him. “Mind your business, Jus.” Liberty cut her eyes at our sister.

  “Well, I heard he had some chicks at his court dates,” she added. Justice loved to poke the bear when she knew we didn’t want to be bothered.

  “So? None of those bitches mean anything to him,” she rolled her eyes. “Back to you, are you sure?”

  “I’m sure.”

  “Are you going to tell Ghost?” Justice questioned.

  On one end, I wanted to tell him and let him know, but on the other I just wanted to leave and start over. If he loved me, he wouldn’t have me running drugs for him. It’s like since I was pulled over so many thoughts were going through my head.

  “No.”

  “Well, I wouldn’t say shit either. Nigga got her running drugs and claiming he love her. Mind you he’s messing with that white chick out in Tottenville,” Justice revealed.

  This wasn’t the first person to mention some white girl that Ghost was messing with. I had heard it from some chicks from Stapleton, but ignored it. I chalked it up to them being jealous and lying. Hearing my sister, who knew everyone’s business, confirm it made me realize that there may be some truth to what I’ve heard everyone speaking on.

  “I don’t care. I’m leaving,” I confirmed as I walked over to my mirror. I messed with my hair and stared at myself. If I wanted to be someone, I had to put myself first. My father always told us never put a man before our self and that was what I was doing. The reason I was staying local for school was because of Ghost, but after tonight I was going away for me – and me only.

  Priest

  “She’s not doing well, and we don’t think she’ll last through the night. Your sister has fought a long fight and has lasted six years with this disease. Usual lifespan is three to five years. I would call your family and have them say their final goodbyes,” the doctor informed me.

  My chest felt like it was about to cave in. I couldn’t breathe, but I had to be strong for my nieces and nephew. I couldn’t break down and show them what I had already felt. Saundra was like my second mother. She had raised me since I was twelve and always been there, even when my mother wasn’t. Seeing her so skinny and frail, laying on her death bed fucked me up mentally. I wanted to drag her out of bed, feed her and bring her home so she could cook and make me laugh like she always did. When she first found out that she had Pulmonary Fibrosis we thought she would be able to beat it, well I thought she would. I think my sister always knew her life had an expiration date and prepared me and her children for it.

  How could I stare at her three daughters and tell them that their mother was never coming back? My oldest niece was only seven years old and my youngest was three, how could I explain that to them? There was no way I could explain that to them and have them understand the cruel thing that we would all be met with in our life; death. I walked back into her room and she was coughing up blood. I held back the tears and then went to sit right next to her bedside. Who else was I going to call? We had no family that gave a fuck about us. There was no one there to hold me once my sister was gone.

  “Stop looking like that,” she spoke with her hoarse voice. “I’ll always be there.” She pointed to my chest.

  “Sandy, it’s not the same,” I called her by her nickname that I had always called her since I was a child. “I need you here with us.”

  She coughed and sat up slightly. “Roshon, I love you so much. I know you’ll take care of my babies for me. Raise them up right just like you know I would have. Don’t allow their drunk ass father to see them either.” Even on her death bed she couldn’t stand the thought of the girl’s father. I didn’t blame her. He was a drunk asshole who wasn’t ready to be a father.

  Tears streamed down my eyes. “I won’t.” I promised her.

  “And you better finish school,” she told me.

  “How do you want me to finish school and raise the girls? I have to work,” I tried to convince her, and she shook her head.

  “No excuses. I know you and I know that you’ll get it done. School is important. You’re going to be a CPA.” She coughed some more. “The apartment is paid up until the end of the year. Ro, I’m counting on you.” She squeezed my hand. “Now, go get my babies in bed and I’ll see you tomorrow,” she told me.

  I brought the girls in so they could kiss their mother goodnight and we headed out to catch the bus home. We lived in a three-bedroom apartment in Arlington. My sister worked at the pharmacy a few blocks down and I went to school. We didn’t receive public assistance. With four mouths to feed, she had to do what she had to do. Our deal was that I would go to college, finish and become an accountant because I was so good with numbers. I agreed because I never had the heart to tell my sister no. College wasn’t my thing and I would have rather been working instead of busting my ass in class day after day.

  “When will Momma come home?” Kiss asked. Kiss was the oldest, she was smarter than the average seven-year-old. Even with her being smart, this was still something I didn’t think she would understand.

  “Mom is sick, and she will come home soon as she gets better,” I lied. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that she would probably never make it home. It had been four months she been in the hospital. I sat Kiki, the youngest, down on the bench as we waited for the S48 to take us home. Love, the middle child, pulled on my jeans and stared up at me. At five, Love had the biggest pair of eyes that could melt you away. It was as if she was staring at your soul and you knew everything was going to be alright.

  “I miss, Momma,” she whined.

  “Me too, Love. Me too.” I picked her up and kissed her on
the cheek. We waited for the bus and played our usual game of ‘I Spy’ to keep them entertained. Deep down, I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I couldn’t do this without my sister. Three girls. How could I raise them up right without a woman to show me how? It was all things that I was worried about and knew I needed my sister for. I needed her for more than just the girls. She had been there for me through everything. When I needed to vent, she was the first person I called. Who was I going to call now?

  When we made it home, I got the girls bathed, fed and got them settled into bed. Love and Kiss had school in the morning, and Kiki had daycare. Once the girls were down, I was able to sit back and catch a breath. Opening up my school books, I skimmed through the text book and started on my homework for my class in the morning. I had class at nine in the morning, so I had to wake up around four to get the girls dressed and drop them off to school on the other side of the island, then drop Kiki to daycare and make it to school. Our day didn’t end until ten at night when we came from spending a few hours at the hospital with my sister. I prayed, but I didn’t think God listened or cared that I needed my sister. I leaned my head back on the couch and before I knew it, I was out cold.

  The ringing from my Blackberry pulled me from my sleep. I wiped the sleep out my eyes and glanced at the cable box for the time. It was three in the morning and someone was bothering me. I hadn’t even made it to my bed, and had only an hour left to sleep. Pressing the green phone icon, I placed the phone to my ear and leaned back on the couch.

  “Yo?”

  “Roshon, it’s Dr. Keeger.” It was three in the morning, the doctor was calling me, and his tone of voice didn’t sound pleasant. I already knew what he was going to say, but it didn’t keep my chest from tightening or my throat from closing up.

  “Yeah,” I managed to choke out as I sat up on the couch with tears threatening to come down my eyes.

  “She’s gone. Passed away a few minutes ago. I’m so sorry for you and the girls’ loss.”

  He allowed me to let it sink in. The tears fell down my cheeks as I stood up and walked into the kitchen. “I know you said soon, but I didn’t think this soon,” my voice cracked.

  “Neither of us did. Your sister put up a good fight. You know how stubborn and well planned she was. She already has the arrangements to bring her body to the funeral home. Roshon, if you need anything don’t hesitate to call me,” he told me.

  “Thank you.” I ended the call and held onto the fridge to brace me. I needed someone to hold me and all I had was this fridge to hold me. How was I going to tell the girls that their mother died? She was supposed to be there to guide them into young women. She would miss the milestones in their lives. The tears wouldn’t stop falling and I allowed them to flow freely.

  You’re allowed ten minutes to break down, then it’s time to get back to business, I heard my sister’s voice in my head. I continued to cry and hold onto the fridge before I made it into the bathroom to wash my face. Looking into my eyes, you could tell I had been crying, but I had my ten minutes of tears and now I had to handle business to make sure my nieces were taken care of.

  The girls knew something was up and I couldn’t afford to tell them right now. They needed to focus on school, and I needed to go handle some business. Tonight, I would sit them down and tell them about everything. This morning, I needed time to process this before I could even begin to explain it to them. Kiss could sense something and gave me the most trouble this morning. Still, before she ran up her school steps, she came back down to kiss me on the cheek.

  “Have a great day, Kissy,” I kissed her again.

  “You too, Ro. Love you.” She blew a kiss and ran up the steps to her school. I smiled and then headed down the block to catch the next bus that was on its way.

  School was the last thing on my mind. My sister didn’t have much, but with what she did have she made sure certain things were taken care of, so I didn’t have to worry about them. Now that she was gone, I had to make sure that we had food and shit to survive. I promised Saundra I would continue school, but that wasn’t going to keep the bills paid and food in our stomachs. I needed to secure our future and me sitting in class for eight hours a day wasn’t going to do that. Well, not right away at least.

  I jumped off the S74 right on Broad street, in Stapleton. Stopping at the store, I grabbed a carton of cigarettes and lit one as I maneuvered through the projects to my destination. Saundra hated that I smoked and asked me to stop, but it was a nasty habit that I couldn’t shake. I picked up my first cigarette at fourteen and had been smoking ever since. When I’m stressed, I smoked a whole pack in an hour. I flicked the cigarette over the gate and lit another one as I made it to Forty-Five Warren Street. I took the elevator up and made it down the hallway. Knocking on the door four times, then kicking it once, I backed up. The peephole opened and then the door opened soon after.

  “Aye Priest, the hell you doing over here?” Pat greeted me with a dap. “Ain’t see you around here in a minute.

  “Yeah, I need to holla at Ghost, he here?”

  “You already know. He in the back room,” he nodded, and I made my way through the quaint two-bedroom apartment. The apartment was home to a crackhead and her three kids. She had gotten her kids taken a year ago and Ghost paid her in product to continue to use her apartment. You would think she would sleep in her own home, but instead you could find her right on Van Duzer street in front of the laundry mat begging for food.

  I knocked on the wooden door and then stuck my head through. Ghost was five years older than me and always looked out. He was the one who had given me the name Priest. He always looked out and told me if I needed him then he would be there. Right now, I needed him more than he knew.

  Ghost looked over his shoulder and nodded at me. “What’s good, P? What you doing in Stapleton? What I told you about hanging out with these knuckle heads?” he continued to run money through the machine.

  “Sandy died this morning,” I revealed.

  He dropped the stack of money on the table and stared at me. “Damn son, I’m sorry. I know how much she meant to you.”

  “Thank you. I need you to help me out.”

  “Of course. Sandy was good peoples. You need help with her funeral cost and shit?”

  “Nah, Sandy handled all that shit. You know how she was.”

  “A damn pit bull in a skirt,” he chuckled. “What you need, bro? I got you.”

  “I want to work.”

  Ghost picked up his blunt and then chuckled as he let smoke out. “I promised Sandy. She wanted you to finish school and shit.”

  “That promise don’t mean shit right now because she’s dead and I got three little girls depending on me, Ghost.”

  I watched as he put his blunt out and stared at me. “My girl been acting funny and not picking up her phone, so you can make her runs. She probably thinking I’m messing with this white chick from Tottenville, but I’m really working with her pops,” he explained.

  “Nah, I don’t want to make runs, Ghost. I want you to put me on. Nah. I need you to put me on.”

  “I can’t do that shit. This too risky and you have the girls.”

  “G, you acting like I never got my hands dirty. The only reason I stopped was because Sandy got sick and I promised her. Stop trying to play me, G.”

  He stroked his goatee and sighed. “Ight. You can work in the New with Staten.”

  “Bet.”

  “Oh, Priest? I don’t play favorites and all that Sandy shit don’t get you no sympathy points with me. If my money late, fuck all you got going on, I’ll kill you.”

  “Bet.” I stood up and turned to leave. “Just do me one favor.”

  “And that is?”

  “If something were to ever happen to me, take care of my nieces.”

  “Of course, you’re family.” He stood up and dapped me. “Let’s get this bread.”

  “Word.” I headed out that small apartment with the world on my shoulders. I n
eeded to do this to take care of my nieces. They deserved more and I planned to give them everything and then some.

  I caught the bus back home to get the house cleaned so me and the girls could have the talk. I sat down in the back and leaned my head back. The sweet smell of perfume caused me to look up and I noticed Justice McGurry. She, her sisters and mother lived the next building from me. Justice went to Curtis Highschool. Anytime I saw her she always had her head stuck in a text book, like now. She looked up, checked out her surroundings and then went back to reading her textbook.

  “You always got your head in a damn book,” I commented.

  She paused her reading and looked over at me. “So?”

  “I mean, what you be over there reading?”

  “I’m studying.”

  “Studying what?”

  “Everything. I’m taking honors classes and I’m graduating with a regents diploma. I would say I have a reason to always have my head in a damn book,” she mocked.

  “Congrats.”

  She gave me a tight lip smile and replied. “Thanks.” I leaned my head back and thought of my sister and how I couldn’t let her down when it came to the girls. I couldn’t be the one to let these girls down. As hard as it was going to be, I knew I couldn’t give up.

  Liberty

  I rushed into the courtroom and found a seat toward the front. Squeezing in, I took my coat off and sat with my hands crossed. I prayed hard last night that Pook didn’t get that much time. He had got caught up on some bullshit drug charge and had been doing time for the past year. I made all the trips to Riker’s Island and put the money his cousin gave me on his books.

  Me and Pook weren’t meant to be understood. Everyone thought that I was too good for him and I knew I was, but still… he was my heart. I loved this man so hard that I would wait for him until he got out of prison. I prayed that the time wasn’t long, but even if it was, I would wait until he got out and start my life with him.