Surrender

by Kitty Thomas

  "No! T-they haven't changed."

  "Come here."

  Julie scooted her chair back and crossed the balcony to him.

  "Turn," he said when she reached him. He couldn't resist giving commands. It was too much who he was, but she didn't seem to mind it.

  She turned and he ran his fingertips over the barely raised welts on her back.

  "People in the house saw them," she said.

  "I know."

  He turned her to face him and leaned in and pressed a soft kiss on her lips. It was clear from the way she pressed against him, and how her hands moved around the back of his neck, that she wanted him to go further. But there was only so far things would go without a collar. He pulled back and searched her eyes.

  If only he hadn't been such a stupid bastard. Everything that had happened to her was his fault. She'd practically been gift wrapped for him, and he'd tossed her aside. Why? Because she had needed more time? Oh, the horrors! He'd been an impatient bastard, and it had cost them both. Her far more than him. So he could be as patient as he needed to be now.

  He pressed a kiss against her forehead. "I'm so sorry I left you that night. If I could go back and do it over-I would have listened to you and taken things slowly like you asked me."

  "It's okay. You couldn't have known."

  "Do you need to talk to someone?" Gabe asked.

  "Talk to someone?"

  "Like a therapist. We have someone here in the house. He could talk to you." Gabe inwardly cringed as he made the offer. Lindsay had never caused Gabe any personal problems, but he'd witnessed how the shrink had tried to interfere with Mina and Brian. And Gabe had to admit that he didn't like the idea of Lindsay insinuating himself inside his and Julie's relationship anymore than Brian had wanted the doctor mixed up in his and Mina's. At the same time, Gabe couldn't have a therapist here on site and not make the offer to her.

  Julie shook her head. "No, I-I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to a man about this stuff."

  "You could always talk to Annette or Mina. Mina might be your best option. She doesn't have the same history as you, but she had her own demons to fight past. You might find you have more in common with her than you think. I want you to talk to someone at least. Even if it can't be me or Lindsay. Just-don't keep things bottled."

  "I promise," she said.

  "Do you need anything else? Drugs, I mean? Lindsay can get you Xanax or another anti-anxiety drug if you need it. Anti-depressants. Sleep aides? Are you sleeping? Whatever you need."

  She seemed uncertain at first as if weighing the options, but then she shook her head vehemently. "No, I don't want anything. I do have some trouble sleeping but I don't want to need a pill to sleep. Plus I read a long time ago that it messes with your sleep and doesn't give you proper rest anyway. So what's the point? And yes, I get anxious and sad, but aren't those normal feelings to have under the circumstances?"

  "They are."

  "Then I don't want to medicate my emotions. If you can really promise me safety, I think someday things will be better. But what good would drugs do? Really? It would only delay things. It doesn't magically erase my memories. If you have a drug that does that, I'll take it."

  He chuckled.

  Gabe was somewhat relieved she felt that way. He'd seen people get hooked on things. His family hadn't just been a bunch of violent alcoholics. Several of them had been hooked on painkillers and a few sundry other pharmaceuticals. He'd never thought medicating one's feelings was the answer, but it was the standard treatment these days. He didn't want to deny Julie something she might need, at least temporarily, but he'd seen first hand how such things could steal little pieces of your humanity, turn people into deadened zombies, set the stage for addiction and dependence. What started out as a temporary solution often became necessary indefinitely, all usually based on temporary situations that occurred in one's life—situations most people could have otherwise worked through with proper support.

  "If you change your mind..."

  "I'll let you know."

  Chapter Eight

  Many weeks of this strange, casual dating passed and Julie found something inside her opening up to Gabe. With each dinner and long quiet talk and each innocent kiss that passed between them, she found herself letting go bit by bit of some of the Dmitri stuff. It wasn't as though she could ever erase it or like she didn't still bolt awake in the middle of the night afraid she was still back there about to be passed to one of his clients. You couldn't erase that stuff, but she was beginning to believe it could be possible that she could trust someone. Even a male someone.

  Gabe had allowed her to get used to the house for a few days, then he'd taken her to a medical room where he drew blood and did some other gynecological medical stuff. He said the therapist, Lindsay, had access to a lab so they could test for STDs as well as pregnancy. It had been a subconscious background worry she hadn't wanted to think or talk about. What if one of those slimy men had given her something awful or gotten her pregnant?

  She was glad Gabe seemed to know how to do all the stuff that needed to be done to test everything so that she wouldn't have to be naked in front of someone else. He'd chatted with her while he collected samples and explained that when girls came to the house they were tested and quarantined from training until everything came back clear to keep all the girls in the house safe.

  Julie was grateful when two weeks later all her tests came back clean and no pregnancy. Though she'd thought she might want kids someday and knew it wouldn't happen with Gabe, she didn't want a child this way—a product of her enslavement at Dmitri's house.

  Everything here with Gabe was such a contrast from the life she'd known at Dmitri's. Aside from that one day in the dungeon, Gabe had been nothing but kind and patient and caring with her. She wanted to be with him more than anything, and every time he kissed her she wanted things to go further. But there was always a block, a wall she bumped up against. She'd thought about and dissected that day in the dungeon hundreds of times now. She'd thought about how she couldn't seem to resist doing what he told her to do.

  He was constantly giving orders that weren't dirty or kinky, but still, it felt as though he were taking ownership of her in segments. Bits of her will she wouldn't notice missing. He'd bought her gifts. He'd watched movies with her like some normal boyfriend. He'd gone swimming with her at midnight when all the other girls were in bed. And a part of her desperately wanted to truly be his. But still, the idea of what he wanted from her was too much. How could she call him master? How could she go along with any kind of depraved thing he wanted from her?

  But would his personality really change? If she were his? Wouldn't he still be Gabe? Wouldn't he still care for her?

  She had gone as far as she could on her own and now she stood at the edge of a great cliff. Maybe a mile off in the distance was the other side where Gabe stood waiting for her. But there was no bridge or magic wings or any special ability that could get her from the edge she perched upon to where Gabe stood waiting for her.

  Every day that passed she feared he would lose patience and either force the decision from her or push her away. She couldn't stand either thought. He was at least discreet with the other girls. She knew he was training them, but he kept it out of her line of sight. As the weeks wore on, the idea of him with others bothered her less than she'd thought it would. Maybe it was because she knew he needed these things and she wasn't prepared to give them. She thought though, that she might feel differently about it if she gave in to his demands.

  As he'd suggested, she'd spoken with Mina. Julie was surprised to learn the abuse she'd suffered at the hands of her previous boyfriends in supposedly consensual situations. In a way, Jason, the last one, had prostituted her out, not completely unlike Dmitri. He'd shared her at least. And she hadn't seemed that into it.

  Seeing how together Mina seemed now, and hearing about how broken she'd been when she'd arrived at the house seemed to lend some credence to the idea that it was
n't crazy to think that she could be okay in a relationship like this with Gabe. After all, look at Mina. Nevertheless, Mina had known she was kinky and had sought such relationships out. This wasn't the same thing at all. When she'd tried explaining that to Mina, the other woman didn't seem to get it. So they stopped talking about it.

  One afternoon, Julie found Gabe waiting for her in the large foyer, standing in front of a shiny black baby grand piano with a red bow on it.

  "Are you kidding?" she asked when she saw it.

  "Why would I be kidding? This was the only place there was room for it where it wouldn't be in the way, but it's yours."

  She'd mentioned playing the piano on their first date. She couldn't believe he'd remembered. Or that he'd bought her one. She'd gotten used to gifts like jewelry and clothing, but this was on a whole other scale.

  "Thank you. I don't know what to say."

  He pressed a kiss against her forehead. "You don't have to say anything, sweetheart. I've got to leave for a little while. Some business for the house."

  Immediately, Julie's mind went to Dmitri. Nothing more had been said of killing him and the other men at the house, but she was sure Gabe hadn't forgotten it or changed his mind. "Don't do it," she said.

  His brow furrowed. "Don't do what?"

  "Dmitri. Don't go kill them. What if you get hurt or worse?" She couldn't believe she was saying it. If they killed Dmitri and his guys then the other girls at the house could be freed. For weeks Julie had been safe and protected and pampered and they were all still living in hell. And here she was worried Gabe could get hurt going back in there. She'd barely thought about the other girls lately. She was a horrible person.

  "It's already been taken care of. Everyone that was a threat inside Dmitri's house is dead, including Dmitri. Brian handled it."

  Julie let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. Relief, and the weight of guilt lifting off her. She wanted to ask when it had been done, but she couldn't bring herself to. Just how long had they been trapped in the house while she'd had no larger issues to worry about than whether or not she could bring herself to call the man who saved her life, master?

  Her brain chose to fixate on the Brian part of "Brian handled it."

  Julie had been given a crash course on Brian. It wasn't just the first time she'd run into him or the vague ways others spoke about him, or the general danger he exuded that made him terrifying. Julie had seen him taking girls from the house down to the dungeon. When they came back, they seemed broken. And Brian got off on it. There was something very wrong with that man, and yet, for this one moment she could feel only gratitude that he'd killed the people who hurt her. Maybe as a favor to Gabe or maybe because he liked to kill, but either way the end result was the same.

  "W-what about my friends?"

  "They were left unharmed. Mina called in an anonymous tip to the police and hung back in the woods to wait for them to be rescued. The authorities would know how to help them."

  Julie nodded. She felt an unexpected sadness, not because the others had been finally rescued from their servitude at Dmitri's house but because a small part of her had been in denial that she'd never see them again, and now it was final.

  "What about me?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

  "What about you?"

  "If Dmitri and his people are gone, you can release me. I'm safe now, right?"

  She watched as Gabe's jaw clenched.

  "Do you really want to leave? What would you do? Where would you live? You want to be out looking over your shoulder every time the sun goes down worrying about shady characters? You going to go back to work in that seedy bar? Over my fucking dead body. Gonna get a new roommate? Go back to school? Pretend you don't want to be with me because you don't like the package it's all wrapped up in?"

  She didn't want to leave. Most of her life, all she'd really wanted was to find the right man and settle down. She didn't want the stress and competition of the world outside. In some twisted way, this house was everything. She was provided for and taken care of. The only real question was why she couldn't bring herself to truly be his-why she couldn't trust him and-try.

  "So no, then?" he asked when she didn't answer him. "You don't want to leave?"

  "No, I don't want to leave."

  "Okay, then."

  "But if I did want to be free, you wouldn't release me, would you?"

  "No. You are mine." Gabe turned to leave, considering the discussion over.

  "Wait. If you aren't going to Dmitri's house, where are you going?"

  "That's none of your concern." Off her hurt expression, he softened. "It's business. I won't be gone long."

  He pulled her into his arms and held her for several minutes. She wanted to resent him or hate him or pull away. She wanted to scream at him for keeping her prisoner, but she couldn't because she wanted to be with him. The past weeks of casual innocent dating had made her want more with him. She couldn't imagine being free now.

  She didn't want to struggle to make ends meet and be alone out in the world away from him. And yet, the idea that he was holding her prisoner and wouldn't apologize for it or pretend to feel guilty made her blood boil.

  Finally, he pulled away and left. She leaned against the piano and watched the door close behind him.

  Julie turned to find the other girls furtively whispering. They couldn't be subtle about it? She knew they talked about her. They knew she wasn't Gabe's in the sense that they all thought she should be. She could feel the judgment that came from them because she wasn't wearing his collar. This was compounded by the fact that they all loved him, and most would have given anything to be in her position.

  Mina wandered up then. She and Annette had become something like friends to Julie

  "Hey, he'll be fine," Mina said. "He's handling a problem with one of the buyers. Brian doesn't have time for it. So he's letting Gabe do it."

  Over the weeks Julie had paid enough attention to know that Brian and Mina were the house enforcers. They enforced the contracts, and that generally meant killing people. Mina seemed to read much of this fear off her face.

  "Don't worry. It's just a reconnaissance mission. He'll be fine."

  "Yeah, sure."

  That night, when the house was quiet, Julie crept downstairs. She couldn't sleep. It wasn't as though Gabe shared a room or bed with her, but she felt uneasy with him out of the house. She went down to the foyer where the piano sat gleaming. She hadn't played it yet. The big red bow was still on it. She took the bow off and sat down at the bench.

  If she played now, would she wake someone? Would she get in trouble? What would happen with Gabe gone? Could anything happen? The trainers had all kept a polite distance from her. No one had tried to harm her in any way or touch her or punish her for anything. Even without Gabe's collar around her throat it was pretty much understood in the house that she was his.

  All the rooms were pretty far off from this area, she reasoned. Most of what was on the front end of the house was the gym and the cafeteria. There was the long hallway that led down to the dungeons nearby, but she was pretty sure as late as it was that everyone was far enough away that a piano wouldn't wake them as long as she didn't bang on it.

  She ran her fingers lightly over the keys and tested a few of them. Gabe at least had had it tuned before giving it to her. She hadn't played in so long. Years really. She only knew a few songs by heart, and none of them were particularly exciting. And if she woke someone up playing Chopsticks, they would definitely be annoyed. Most people were annoyed by Chopsticks even if they weren't being woken from a dead sleep by it.

  She stood and stepped back from the bench and looked at the piano for a few minutes. Then she realized the bench had a hinge and a lid. She opened it and inside were books and books of sheet music. She rifled through several until she found a collection of Chopin's nocturnes.

  These were some of her favorites to play. She'd learned on these. Particularly nocturne number 2. It
was just hard enough to be a challenge but easy enough to be enjoyable. Or it had been when she'd been really into playing. She wasn't sure what it would be like now. She flattened the book out on the shelf above the piano and sat down to play. Here went nothing.

  She'd only been playing for a few minutes when she sensed she wasn't alone. She turned to find Brian standing behind her with an expression on his face she couldn't quite discern. He seemed momentarily vulnerable.

  "Why did you stop?" he asked.

  "I-I'm sorry I woke you." She'd stayed away from Brian and hadn't spoken to him since Gabe had rescued her from him. Except now Gabe wasn't here to rescue her.

  "I don't sleep well. I was coming up for a run in the gym. You didn't wake me." Brian crossed to the piano and leaned against it. "We need to talk."

  "A-about what?" Julie couldn't begin to imagine what she and Brian had to discuss.

  "Gabe. Why aren't you wearing his collar?" Brian asked abruptly.

  Julie felt her face heat. She knew everyone was talking about it, but for him to come right out and ask her. No one else had been so blunt. And given what it meant, he might as well have asked, 'Why aren't you fucking and servicing my friend?'

  "I-I don't know how it's any business of yours what my relationship is or isn't with Gabe," she said.

  "He's my friend and he's unhappy. That's why. He's given you everything. He's been very patient, far more patient than I would have been. Even with Mina's past, I bought her, she was mine. And she was going to obey me. As far as I can see, Gabe bought you, he owns you. Why exactly do you think you have the right to refuse him?"

  In all the mental arguments she'd had with herself, she'd never fully admitted the issue. This. This was the issue. The idea that she was some piece of property that Gabe could do whatever he wanted with. It's what she had been at Dmitri's, and no matter how nice her room or how kind the master, she didn't want to be owned by another person again. That fucking entitlement. Brian spelled it out for her more clearly than any of those long mental debates had. As attracted as she was and as much as she liked Gabe and wanted to be with him-not like this.