Sanguine

by Carolyn Denman

  After a minute or so he sat up and cradled me against his collar bone and for a long time I sat still, becoming familiar with the feel and scent of him again. His arms held me securely, protectively, and I could feel his heart beating, strong and steady. He felt so alive. How had I ever thought of him as dead? He was the most vibrantly alive person I had ever known. There was absolutely no question now about what I desired—Nayn had been right. No wonder I’d had no chance of moving on with my life. Neither had Bane. What had I done? What had I put him through? I had never treated anyone so badly before, and yet I had done this to the person I loved the most. It wasn’t Eden that scrambled people’s brains, it was this place. How had I ever thought that leaving him could make him happy? Why had I been so deluded? My memories from that time were still very hazy and my mind shied away from them. I felt so guilty when I tried to remember that it made me feel sick.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered in his ear. ‘I didn’t understand.’

  He held me tighter. ‘You’re here now. Everything will be fine.’ He sounded like Annie.

  ‘I missed you,’ I told him bravely, still not entirely certain if I was allowed to reveal to him everything I felt, but it seemed insane not to.

  Blinking raindrops from his eyes, he took my face between his hands and put his forehead against mine. ‘Me too. Don’t do that again, okay?’

  I smiled. No chance. I wasn’t going to let him go again. Not ever. He was my home now. I kissed him without spoken permission, because he made it abundantly clear that I already had it.

  Chapter 16

  Why me? Noah thought as he peeked out of the window again. Couldn’t it at least wait a couple of days? He squinted, trying to see through the rain. They were kissing. Damn. It had better be tonight. But Tess could work out the sleeping arrangements. He wasn’t going to touch that one no matter how much she begged.

  He went back into the kitchen where Tim was polishing off his second bowl of pasta. The young soldier had been filling them in on what Bane had been up to in Brisbane. He’d joined the Army Reserves soon after Lainie had left, completing his initial training at Kapooka in New South Wales before moving to Brisbane and picking up a job with a personal security company. His boss had been flexible and generous, encouraging Bane to accept every deployment opportunity the army had offered as well as all the further training. Bane had recently applied to enlist full time, which his friends had all agreed it was long past time for him to do.

  Noah started to pick at the last remaining bit of cold pasta in the container as he listened, figuring it wasn’t worth keeping so little anyway.

  ‘All this time he was waiting for Lainie?’ Tim asked. ‘It’s unbelievable. He’s become a different person. I actually heard him laugh today. Laugh. And he was so sick. I don’t know what happened to him but he’s been throwing up all afternoon. And laughing. Do you have any idea how creepy that is? The guys will never believe me when I tell them.’ With the last piece of tortellini clinging to his fork, he stopped prattling on and looked over at Tess, his face going pale. ‘I’m sorry, Tessa! I only just thought about it. I never would have brought him here if I’d known. If you catch whatever he’s had I’ll never forgive myself.’

  Lily pretended to clear her throat to hide a smile.

  ‘It’s fine, Tim, really,’ Tess reassured him. ‘It was probably something he ate. It’s unlikely to be contagious. Trust me, if I do catch it, you wouldn’t be the one I’d blame.’ She threw a warning glance back at Noah.

  He had no intention of letting that happen.

  The front door opened. The reunited couple came into the kitchen shivering, and sat down at the table. Lily went to get a couple of dry towels for them while Noah clicked the kettle on and Tessa put some bread in the toaster. Tessa would know how best to help Bane recover now that he was back in balance, and he didn’t look like he could cope with much more than toast. The poor guy looked ready to drop but it still didn’t stop him from smiling. Lainie couldn’t keep her eyes off him, or her hands. Tim looked thrilled and politely averted his gaze. When Lily came back with the towels she took one look at the two of them and then gave Noah a glance that somehow conveyed an entire lecture.

  ‘Bane, can I talk to you for a minute? There’s something I need to fill you in on,’ Noah capitulated, handing Bane a black coffee. Leaning down, he looked Lainie squarely in the eye, and couldn’t help but smile at the open joy in her expression. ‘I want to talk to Bane alone,’ he told her bluntly. It probably sounded quite rude to the rest of them but she smiled and let go of Bane’s hand. Her Guardian followed Noah out of the room.

  Closing the door to the lounge, Noah paused for a moment to figure out what to say, and then turned to face his friend. Bane glared back at him, looking as wary as a dog hearing the bath running.

  ‘There’s something you need to know and you’re not going to like it,’ Noah said as he perched himself on the edge of the sofa. Bane didn’t move. ‘There’s something Mum told me, back when I first found out I was a Cherub. I had assumed at the time that you and Lainie knew already. Lily wasn’t so sure. It’s not the sort of thing Uncle would have been comfortable discussing, even if he’d had the opportunity.’

  ‘Uncle?’

  ‘It’s what we call … my father. Confusing, right?’

  Bane shook his head. ‘Not really. It isn’t like you can tell anyone he was your real dad.’

  ‘And at least this way I get to refer to him as family. I like it.’

  Typically laconic, Bane gave a single nod of acknowledgment and moved on, for which Noah was grateful.

  ‘So what was it your mum told you?’ Bane asked.

  The old clock in the kitchen chimed the hour, and took far too long to finish. ‘It’s getting late and you looked pretty stuffed. This can wait until tomorrow if you like.’ He watched Bane’s eyes narrow. ‘Or not.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Okay, so Mum was pretty determined to make certain I didn’t make the same mistakes she had. She was pretty angry when I started going out with Claudia because she knew she wasn’t my Guardian.’ Noah was pretty certain Bane had heard about the incident on muck-up day. His mum’s tirade had become legendary.

  A slight twitch of a half-smile confirmed it, before Bane resumed his usual solemn expression. He still refused to sit. In fact he had his hands clasped behind his back and legs slightly apart as if he was waiting for orders from a superior officer.

  Noah continued. ‘As you know, Mum didn’t tell me everything, but Lily has explained what little she’s managed to piece together from what she remembers of that time.’ He smoothed out the suede fabric on the armrest while he framed his explanation. ‘Mum was already with Dad—I mean, David—and pregnant with the twins when her link to Uncle became obvious. It took a while for her to believe what he and Annie were trying to explain to her about the bond. When she went to see her family in Melbourne she assumed her sickness was due to the pregnancy. It put a lot of strain on her body. No one could work out why she was sicker in hospital in Melbourne than at home here. After Liam and Caleb were born, Uncle sold his farm to my parents and moved in here as a farmhand.’

  Bane could obviously see where the story was going because he finally sat down.

  ‘Anyway, long story short, they must have succumbed to their compulsions at some point because, well, I’m here. But apparently that was the end of it. She and Dad got married three months before I was born.’ Noah rubbed his eyebrow. He still thought of David Ashbree as Dad, and always would.

  Bane indicated to him to keep going.

  ‘My point is that Mum told me pretty bluntly what would happen if I had sex with anyone. Even once.’ His ears were burning. He couldn’t believe his wife had bullied him into this. Not that Bane would have coped well hearing it from anyone else. So he blundered on despite the heat rising in his face. ‘Unavoidable pregnancy. Contraception doesn’t work with us until after a Cherub
is born, and then apparently it flips around after that. Mum said she found it hard to fall pregnant with Nicole.’ There. He’d said it.

  Bane blinked at him, probably too tired to know how to react, so Noah tried to explain further.

  ‘Lily thinks it has something to do with preserving the line. Cherubim and Guardians are drawn strongly to each other and don’t tend to sleep around. It pretty much guarantees that a new Cherub is born and then keeps the family small, maybe to help restrict the number of people who know about Eden. She reckons that if Mum had chosen to marry Uncle, they wouldn’t have been able to have any more kids after me.’ He looked Bane right in the eye. ‘Until that first baby is born we’re very fertile. We needed you to know.’

  ‘Tess told me ages ago,’ Bane said, nodding, clearly expecting more.

  Silence, while Noah blinked at his friend, and then frowned towards the kitchen with his lips pressed together hard enough to prevent his thoughts from escaping and upsetting his pregnant wife. Of course she would have warned him already. Why hadn’t he thought it through? So why was she making him say it again? Knowing Tess, she had her reasons. Perhaps she thought Bane might need a reminder, but she could have done that herself with a whispered word in his ear. No. This was probably supposed to be for his benefit, somehow. He bit down on his tongue, slowly increasing the pain to let her know how he felt about her sneaky actions. His only reward was a muffled laugh from the kitchen.

  Bane leant forwards and looked him in the eye, apparently not at all uncomfortable. ‘You and Tess?’ he asked in a careful tone. ‘How did you manage?’

  Oh. Maybe this was for Bane after all then.

  ‘It was difficult to hold off for as long as we did, I can tell you. Mostly we just had to be very … old-fashioned. You know. Chaperones and proper dates. Lily was very diplomatic about knowing when she should and shouldn’t leave us alone. Most of the time.’ There was that one time Tess had snapped at her for coming in at the end of that movie, but Lily had taken it in her stride. Maybe it was time to watch that movie again now …

  ‘What else?’ Bane asked, snapping his attention back. The guy looked like he was ready to start taking notes.

  ‘Oh, well, Tessa stopped wearing that top with the blue flowers—not that I would have ever asked her to. And once she even told me off for playing Lego with her niece. Apparently that sent her a bit wild. Who would have thought? Anyway, we tried to be respectful of each other’s … limitations …’

  Bane nodded.

  ‘But it didn’t make the slightest bit of difference,’ he said, chuckling. ‘Ultimately we each just had to take responsibility for our own behaviour. As I said, it helped to be sort of … old-fashioned.’

  ‘Old-fashioned. Yeah. I got picked on a lot for that. My reasons were kind of the opposite though. I just didn’t feel like …’

  After a moment they both cleared their throats. Tessa was right. Bane could have done with someone to talk to. As tough as he seemed, it couldn’t have been easy. Social expectations were hard to brush off. He remembered when Tess had agreed to marry him. All that good natured teasing that did nothing to hide what their friends were really thinking. That they were too young for such a commitment. Bane had come to the wedding, which Noah knew had been difficult for him.

  Bane leant forward, curiosity evident in his intense gaze. ‘But your mother? You said we don’t sleep around, but she did.’ He flinched, looking angry with himself. ‘I’m sorry, Noah, that sounded very blunt.’

  ‘No, it’s okay. I’ve spent a long time trying to understand why she did what she did. She and Dad always seemed so happy so I had no idea. Now when I think about how I feel about Tessa … I can’t even conceive of how she chose not to follow her compulsion.’ The confusion and grief he still felt tightened the back of his throat, but he pushed it aside. ‘Lily seems to think it had to do with her marriage vows. She believes that a marriage commitment is a spiritual event that has a power of its own. All I know is that she genuinely loved Dad. I haven’t ever doubted that for a second.’ He couldn’t prevent himself from glancing up at the photo of Harry amongst the collection on the wall by the window. In it, his biological father was young, early twenties at a guess, although he’d always looked younger than his age. He was in the back row of a footy team gathered around a trophy, with that fake smile that meant he would rather be cleaning the toilets than posing for a photo. His eyes were not on the camera, they were off to one side, and Noah wondered who he’d been staring at. ‘She loved Dad, but the link … never broke.’

  Bane sat silently for a minute, then stood up and rubbed his palms against his jeans. ‘Thanks, Noah. I appreciate your candour.’

  Noah’s nod was sober. There was nothing more to say.

  Chapter 17

  An unfriendly wind rattled the loose guttering on the farmhand’s cottage, adding to the cacophony of noises that were keeping me awake. The walls creaked. The fridge hummed. A tap dripped somewhere, and the fan on the wood heater just wouldn’t shut up. Identifying each sound didn’t help me to tune them out the way I once had. Had I ever even noticed a watch ticking at night before? It wasn’t only the sounds either. The place smelled weird. Like old food and soap and antiseptic and peanuts, and yet I knew that Aunt Lily had been living there and would have kept the place rigorously clean. The scents weren’t overpowering, just very unfamiliar. And why did I feel so alone? It wasn’t like I hadn’t been sleeping alone all my life, so why was I feeling so … bereft? Maybe because Aunt Lily’s bed was so huge. And flat. It didn’t enfold me like my hammock did.

  Rolling over yet again, I began to fluff up the pillow but froze as I heard another new sound. The floorboard outside the bedroom creaked, and a pair of luminous grey eyes appeared in the doorway.

  ‘It’s just me,’ Bane whispered. ‘Sorry if I scared you.’

  Scared? I had forgotten what that even felt like. ‘Why would I be scared?’ I whispered back.

  ‘Most people don’t like it when strange men creep into their bedroom uninvited,’ he explained, waiting by the door. He was bare-chested and shivering, his thin grey pyjama pants doing very little to keep him warm against the autumn chill.

  ‘Oh. Well, come in then. I invite you. You can stop creeping.’

  He paused for a moment longer. ‘I don’t know if I should,’ he said. ‘I mean, I know you think you know what you want but I’m not sure that you still will once you—’

  ‘Bane?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘What are you doing here? You should be asleep. You were very sick, and it was my fault, and now you’re cold. Why are you standing and shaking and not warm and sleeping? I don’t understand.’

  His lips twitched, softening his expression. ‘You make everything sound so simple,’ he said with hushed laughter. ‘I just came to see if you were okay. I knew you weren’t asleep.’

  Ah, I had forgotten about that. He always knew when I was awake. ‘Sorry. It’s a bit noisy. I’ll try harder.’

  ‘Noisy? Here? We’re in the middle of nowhere! All I can hear are the possums and the wind in the trees. You should try living in the city.’

  I hadn’t noticed the possums. After the abundance of wildlife in Eden, that was the one sound that I had managed to tune out.

  ‘This place is strange,’ I complained. ‘I can’t get comfortable, no matter which side I lie on. Everything feels wrong. I don’t like it. And I’m lonely.’

  He sat down on the edge of the bed. ‘Do you want me to …’ He paused, looked up at the ceiling and then gave a small fake cough. ‘Do you want me to go and get your aunt?’

  I sat up and blinked at him. Why would I want that? Why couldn’t he just hold me like I knew he needed to? Wait, no. I knew this one. It would not be appropriate for us to share a bed. I didn’t even know if I had done the right thing when I’d kissed him earlier. It had felt like the right thing at the time, but th
en for the rest of the evening he’d kept his distance from me, just subtly. I could feel the conflict in his body language. It was totally baffling.

  ‘Aunt Lily won’t enjoy being woken up in the middle of the night,’ I told him, feeling like I was stating the obvious. ‘Would you like me to go and sleep somewhere else? Then you can sleep here. It’s got to be more comfortable than the couch. And warmer. I’ve already made you sick today and you shouldn’t feel like you have to hold me if you don’t want to. I keep forgetting that you need space—’

  ‘Space?’ he interrupted, snapping his eyes back to mine. ‘Don’t you dare! We’re not doing this again, Lainie! I don’t need space. I don’t want space! I’ve had more than enough space to last a lifetime and all I crave now is to hold you and never let you go, but you need time to adjust, so I’m trying to be careful and take things slowly.’

  ‘Slowly?’ I asked. ‘Because I need time?’

  He nodded, still shivering.

  ‘But you want to hold me?’

  ‘More than breathing.’

  ‘Then why don’t you hold me slowly?’

  He opened his mouth as if to answer, but apparently couldn’t think of what to say, so then he laughed and crawled under the covers. His arms enfolded me even better than my hammock ever had.

  The day, when it dawned, spun alarmingly. Everything was so grey and tangy. Where was my tree? Where was the sun? I frantically tried to make sense of where I was but then I felt Bane’s arm tighten around me and I relaxed into his embrace. He was really there, holding me, actual living flesh and blood, not just a memory. For a while I lay still and cherished his presence. Where I was didn’t matter. The mattress under us still felt strange and uncomfortable after my tree and hammock, yet the feel of his warm breath against the back of my neck was completely worth it.

  As I snuggled against his chest, I listened to his breathing settle again. I was tempted to wake him up, but he had been so tired the night before. He’d fallen into a deep sleep almost as soon as I’d nestled my head on his shoulder. Without Fruit to help him recover, he needed lots of rest. I was proud of myself for remembering that. Concentrating hard, I tried to remember what else he might like so I could be ready to give it to him as soon as he woke. Something that would make him smile. Coffee, he liked coffee. What else? Music. He played instruments. I would teach him new songs. As much as I tried, I really couldn’t remember anything else so I decided to start with what I knew.