Shattered

by Jennifer K Thomas

  “So, you don’t think Grant’s a better skier than you?” I tease.

  “Not a chance.” Luke looks at me like I’m crazy before heading out to grab the rest of our bags.

  I tour the remaining upstairs rooms on my own. I was right, this is the master, but the other three bedrooms are amazing as well. They all have lake views and their own bathrooms, although not quite as fancy as the master bathroom.

  “I figured restaurants might not be open tonight, so I had the kitchen stocked. What do you want for dinner?” Luke finds me in one of the other bedrooms admiring the view. “This was my room.” He says as he wraps his arms around me from behind.

  “I remember you coming up here with your family. I was a little jealous that your family had a lake house.” I place my hands on top of his.

  “You know, I spent many nights in here thinking about you.”

  I turn around. “Thinking about me, huh?”

  Luke smirks. “Maybe more than just thinking. I was a teenage boy after all.”

  I slap his arms playfully, and Luke kisses my forehead. “I asked my parents if you could come with us once and they looked at me like I was crazy. My mom politely said she didn’t think it was a good idea, but my dad said something about not needing his teenage son to become a dad.”

  I bury my head in Luke’s chest. “So embarrassing. I’m really glad you never told me this back then.”

  Luke laughs and lifts my head. “It was apparent to everyone how in love we were. You don’t get over something like that.”

  “I love when you say things like that to me. You’ve really become quite the romantic.” I smile up at him and I’m rewarded with a kiss.

  “I’m not trying to be. I say what I feel in the moment.” Luke looks around the room. “I never thought we’d be here, not in this cabin, not in this room.”

  I catch his eye and waggle my eyebrows at him. “About to make some teenage boy fantasy come true?”

  Luke winks at me. “I love when we’re on the same page.”

  After Luke properly showed me his childhood bedroom, we spent the evening by the fire, eating a simple dinner of cheeses, meats and fruits.

  We went to bed early after deciding to spend today driving around the lake. I fell asleep quickly wrapped in Luke’s arms, like I have many times before, but this time felt different. I’m not sure exactly what’s shifted, but I’m experiencing a level of comfort with him that I’m not sure was ever there before.

  It seems like opening up about his mom on the drive here was just the beginning. So far during our drive around the lake, I’ve learned several more things about Luke. First, he’s more stressed out about the winery then he lets on. He’s mentioned several times that he needs to stop answering every email while he’s on vacation, but every time he thinks I’m not looking he’s on his phone. I assure him that I understand his obligations as the owner, but it’s clear he’s going to struggle to maintain a work life balance in his new role. Considering he bought the winery with the intention of allowing for more time for family, I want to help him find that balance.

  The second thing I learned is that Luke is afraid of owls. Apparently, he had a traumatic experience as a kid when he tried to help an injured one he found at the cabin. During one of the times we pulled off the road to take a little hike one flew through the trees and Luke actually jumped. I couldn’t help but laugh. I’ve never seen Luke act afraid of anything and it was sort of endearing.

  The third and most important thing I learned was how guarded Luke really is. There was a point when I brought up his mom and how she must have loved this place. His whole body language changed in an instant and he grew instantly quiet. My guess is he’s still feeling vulnerable from the information he shared with me yesterday. It must have been really hard to keep that to himself all these years. It had to have been extremely uncomfortable for him to share that with me and I remind myself I’ll have to be patient with him.

  We talk about the kids and envision what their futures may look like. Luke admits that he’d love to see Finn take an interest in baseball. It makes me happy that he’s retained his love of the game when he could have easily grown to resent it.

  “How’s your soup?” Luke asks, shaking me from my ponderings about our day.

  “It’s really good. Do you want a taste?” I motion toward my bowl of homemade split pea soup. We stopped at this cute little place not far from the cabin for lunch. The Fire Sign Café makes several of their menu offerings from scratch including the creamy, salty soup.

  “Sure,” Luke says, and I feed him a spoonful. “That’s good.”

  “How’s your benedict?” Luke commented when reading the menu that it’s what his mom used to order here.

  “Good.” Luke takes a sip of his coffee. “I know we’re not supposed to be talking about work, but can I run something by you?”

  “Always.” I smile.

  “I’ve been thinking about adding onto the property.” Luke tests the waters.

  “Okay, how much?” I squint at him over my tea.

  “Space or money?” Luke asks.

  “Both.” I eye him suspiciously.

  “A lot.” He flashes me one of his disarming smiles.

  I sigh and set down my cup.

  “We should build a hotel,” he says, before taking another bite of his eggs.

  “Seriously? We don’t know anything about running a hotel.”

  “Lack of experience hasn’t stopped me before.” Luke laughs. “We can bring in talent with hotel experience and we have Sebastian. He knows a lot already.”

  “That’s true.” I tap my feet on the ground. “If that’s what you want to do, let’s make it happen.”

  “Really?” Luke’s eyes widen over his cup of coffee.

  “Yeah, I mean I think it’s crazy, but let’s do it. I’m sure you’ll do your homework and find the right people to help along the way. I trust you.”

  Luke sets down his fork and looks at me thoughtfully. “Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly love you anymore.”

  I smile sweetly at him. “I love you, too.”

  Chapter 22

  There was no way to prepare for this day, so I didn’t. I buried it, tried to focus on all the bright, wonderful things I have in my life. Despite my best intentions, the darkness invades moments after I open my eyes.

  I lay in bed, completely still. I don’t want to wake Luke. I need some time to deal with my feelings before I’m ready to deal with his, too. He won’t understand and I don’t have the energy to try to explain it to him again. Besides, I don’t want to ruin what we have right now.

  I’m focusing on my breathing, reminding myself that I’ll get through this when Luke wraps his arm around me. He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t ask me what I want to do today or try to drag me out of bed for a run. I wasn’t sure if he would, at least not right away, but he remembers what today is. He doesn’t ask if I’m okay because he knows I’m not.

  We lay like this for a long time, still and speechless. Finally, Luke kisses the back of my head. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “No,” I whisper, and hold back a sob. I won’t be able to hold it back much longer. I won’t need to hide in bed all day like I needed to a year ago, but I need to release the pain. Everyday isn’t hard anymore, but this gruesome anniversary date is. “I’ll be right back.”

  I climb out of bed without looking back at Luke. Once I’m hidden behind the bathroom door, I turn on the water and let the tears spill.

  My eyes are squeezed shut when I hear the bathroom door quietly being pushed open. “I need a minute.” I attempt to disguise my voice, but it cracks, giving me away.

  Luke slowly steps in the room and pulls me against his warm, broad chest. “You don’t have to hide from me.”

  He doesn’t say anything else as I cry softly, dampeni
ng his skin with my tears. When my body starts to relax, and my breathing begins to return to normal he quietly leads me back to bed. Once I’m back underneath the fluffy comforter, Luke walks around to the other side and joins me, again wrapping his strong arms around me.

  “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?” He gently strokes my arm.

  I shake my head and focus on the feel of his warm, solid chest rising and falling against my back. After several minutes my inhales sync up to his and we stay like this, his body leading mine so I don’t forget to breathe.

  “Do you mind if I talk about it?” His hoarse voice is tentative.

  “Go ahead.” He’s never wanted to talk much about the miscarriage before. As painful as it is, I’m glad he’s ready now, even if I am a little nervous about what he might say.

  “I didn’t know I even wanted to be a father until you came back in my life. It wasn’t until you told me you were pregnant that I could even really picture it. I never had the need to have a piece of me in this world, but the idea of having a piece of me and a piece of you together…well, that was intoxicating.”

  Luke shifts his body even closer to mine and holds me tighter. “Neither of us were prepared for that dream to come to such an abrupt end. I thought if you knew how saddened I was by the loss, it would only make you feel worse.”

  I keep my back to him, but I don’t want him to take all the blame for this. “I was in a bad place, Luke. Looking back, I don’t think it’s fair that I expected you to react a certain way. I wish I had been more understanding of what you were going through. At the time I remember feeling so alone, but I don’t know that doing things differently would’ve changed that much. I think miscarriage is a lonely thing no matter who you’re with.”

  Luke places a soft kiss on my shoulder. “Losing the baby was awful, but when I thought I may lose you, too…I didn’t know what to do. I thought my job was to make things better, to find the solution.”

  I roll over and face him. “You didn’t fail, Luke. I promised not to leave, and I did. When our version of happily ever after changed, I panicked. I let the changes and the struggles cloud all the good. I promise I’ll never lose sight of who we are again.”

  Luke smiles softly before wrapping his arms around me. We stay like this, silent and connected, for a long time.

  At some point, I doze off again and when I wake up, Luke is gone from the bed. I run a bath and turn on the gas fireplace, something I’ve been thinking about since we got here. I’m about to step in the hot water when I hear a light knock.

  “Yeah?”

  “Can I get you a cup of tea? A glass of wine?” Luke says through the closed door.

  My instinct is to tell him I don’t need anything, but then I remember what our therapist said about learning to lean on him.

  “I’ll take a cup of tea.”

  “Sure.” I hear the lift in his voice and I know I’ve made the right decision.

  About ten minutes later Luke comes in with a tray containing a large mug of tea, small containers of milk and honey and a plentiful assortment of fruit on a plate.

  “Well, you certainly have the room service part of the hotel business down. This looks great. Thank you.”

  “Let me know if you need anything else.” Luke kisses the top of my head and leaves.

  An hour later, I climb out of the lukewarm water and wrap myself in a robe. I find Luke in the kitchen, signing along to a Maroon 5 song and making lunch. He smiles brightly when he turns around to see me watching him.

  “Hey, there. Want a sandwich?”

  “Sure.”

  “Look outside.” He nods toward the large glass slider.

  “It’s snowing?” I can’t contain the excitement in my voice as I walk over to get a closer look.

  “It probably won’t be enough to stick.”

  “It’s so pretty, though.” I see Luke’s reflection as he approaches me from behind. I turn my head over my shoulder to him. “I see why your family loved it here.”

  “I’m glad you like it. You seem happy here.”

  I tilt my head to one side and look at him. “This place is amazing, but I’d be happy anywhere with you.” I wrap one of my arms through his as we continue to watch the small flakes fall and melt on the deck. “Thank you for today.”

  Luke stares at me for a minute. I’m a little disappointed when he doesn’t lean in for a kiss. “I’ll be right back.”

  I watch Luke take the stairs two at a time.

  He has a small object in his hand when he returns, but I can’t make out what it is. “I have something of yours I need to give back.”

  I meet Luke at the couch where I sit cross-legged, and Luke turns his body toward me.

  I don’t understand Luke’s sudden nervousness until he holds out the box. “I originally gave this to you when I thought I was ready for a wife, and that was my mistake.” Luke opens it and my ring sparkles. “I should’ve waited until I was ready for a partner. I promise to love you, support you and include you in my life. We’ve had to battle for it, but are you ready to finally get our happy ending?”

  “I am.” I watch as Luke slides the ring back on my finger. After, he places his warm hands on either side of my face and kisses me deeply. I break the kiss for a moment to look in his beautiful, adoring eyes. “To wind up with you, the battles have all been worth it.”

  Acknowledgments

  I am forever thankful for the support of the many people that have made this little dream of mine come true.

  To my beta-readers, Kathi and Vanessa, thank you for continuing on this journey with me and for continuing to cheer for me. I appreciate every second you’ve spent reading and having conversations with me. From times I couldn’t get a plot point just right to times I needed to make sure my characters were being true to themselves to times I was too excited about a direction the book was headed. Thank you for everything. This book wouldn’t be what it is without you.

  To my wonderful editor, Nikki, thank you for all your guidance and wisdom. Most don’t understand how hard it is to turn your work over to someone. To turn over what feels like a piece of yourself to someone and invite in criticism. You made the process less scary and more importantly, you made the book better.

  To Fiona Jayde, thank you for once again designing an amazing cover that captured the essence of my story. Your patience and beautiful talent are such a joy to work with.

  To Tamara Cribley, thank you for your work in making the inside of this book look professional and streamlined. It’s your final touches that make me tear up when every I open one of my books.

  An abundance of thanks to my fellow writers. Only another writer knows what this feels like and I am inspired by all of you. I am inspired because we sit and we doubt and we cry and we laugh and we hope and we dream, but no matter what we keep writing. I believe it’s an absolute truth that we only regret the things we never attempt and I will never regret something that has brought me more enjoyment and fulfillment than I ever imagined. Writers don’t write to live up to others’ expectations, we write because without it our words would suffocate us.

  My dear readers. I am humbled every time someone tells me they liked my stories or asks when the next one is coming out. There are thousands of books to be read and I am truly honored you took the time to read mine.

  Thank you to all my family and friends whose continued support is cherished and not taken for granted. I am lucky to have you all in my life.

  About the Author

  Jennifer K. Thomas grew up being told she could accomplish anything she wanted to, but it took her some time to realize she wanted to be a writer. After spending many years exhausting the left side of her brain in the world of corporate finance, the right side of her brain was screaming for more action. After toying with ideas and characters for years, she finally worked up the courage to write her f
irst book, Crushed, in 2018.

  Jennifer lives in beautiful Temecula, California with her husband, daughter and their two adorable high-maintenance dogs.

  Visit Jennifer at jenniferkthomas.com or and Facebook at www.facebook.com/authorjenniferkthomas.