Stop the World, I Want to Get Off...

by Iain Hollingshead

  Not wanting to look silly, none of the real players tried to get the ball back, so the mutt continued with his own game. Of course, he didn’t score a goal as he didn’t know where the goal was or indeed that the point was to score a goal in the first place. He just ran around with the ball making everyone dizzy until at last everyone got tired, including the dog.

  Eventually the players got their ball back, the game resumed and the mutt was put in a kennel.

  Come on, Mr Trump, roll over. There’s a good boy. Give us the ball back.

  Chris Handley

  Wallsend, Tyne and Wear

  SIR — I once went with my wife to a horse show in a small town in Iowa. As soon as we opened our British mouths three ladies wanted to know where we were from. One lady asked if we had come by train from England. Another remarked that we spoke English “real good”. The third asked if we had always spoken English.

  They were three delightful ladies and we got on fine with them, but sadly, their knowledge of the wider world was not great.

  I now reflect that it is partly upon such people that the greatest democracy in the world is dependent for its presidential elections.

  Sadly, one can easily uncover similar ignorance while electioneering in this country. I did so during the 2010 general election campaign.

  Geoffrey Woollard

  Soham, Cambridgeshire

  SIR — As Her Majesty the Queen goes about her duties with evident relish she remains the best argument for a constitutional monarchy. Donald J. Trump is the second best.

  Lt Col Patrick Chambers (retd)

  Rosedale Abbey, North Yorkshire

  ROYAL BLUSHES

  ’OW DO, HARRY?

  SIR — You report that Prince Harry wants to have a quiet drink in a pub but can’t.

  Please send him my telephone number. Up here in the Derbyshire Dales there are plenty of cosy pubs serving great beer and food in wonderful surroundings, with landladies who will put the fear of God into any townie selfie-seekers.

  The locals will bother him with little more than an “’Ow do?” We can sleep six, so his protection officers will be fine. My wife, however, may make them earn their keep.

  Victor Launert

  Matlock Bath, Derbyshire

  SIR — I still quiver at the response I would expect from my old Regimental Sergeant Major if I had turned out in uniform with a facial growth (I can’t call it a beard) like Prince Harry’s. Amid the expletives would be the instruction to “Stand nearer to the razor.”

  Derek Lyon

  Barrow in Furness, Cumbria

  FLYING VISITS

  SIR — Have other readers reflected on the Queen’s extraordinary range of activities on July 13? The Court Circular tells us that she was in Cambridge in the morning, opening the East Anglian Air Ambulance Centre. Back in London Her Majesty accepted the resignation of one Prime Minister and appointed his successor. She then gave an audience to the Lord President before holding a council at 5.30pm.

  Not bad going for a lady of 90.

  Paul Fincham

  Woodbridge, Suffolk

  SIR — Visitors to our local beacon to celebrate the Queen’s 90th birthday were given a sheet with the words of the first two verses of the National Anthem.

  “We will only be singing the first verse,” explained the helpful steward. “We don’t have the music for the second.”

  N.H.

  Worcester

  SIR — Why did Her Majesty the Queen light a thousand beacons? Was Gondor calling for aid?

  Mark Boyle

  Johnstone, Renfrewshire

  SIR — If the Queen reaches 100 years old, who will send her a congratulations card?

  John Newman

  Hinckley, Leicestershire

  SIR — The Queen is lucky to be called Gan-Gan by Prince George. A friend of my daughter called her Grandmother Gaa-Gaa. A step too far, I thought.

  Stephanie Cliffe

  Staines-upon-Thames, Surrey

  SPECIAL DELIVERY

  SIR — The nation will be reassured by the news that two obstetricians and three midwives were on hand each time the Duchess of Cambridge gave birth, but what did the “four senior managers” actually do?

  Dr John Doherty

  Stratford-upon-Avon, Warwickshire

  SIR — My wife read to me an article from The Daily Telegraph (while I was giving the cat its bath, before unplugging all the electrical sockets for the night) about Wills and Kate spending time in Norfolk so that Princess Charlotte will have as normal an upbringing as possible.

  I am really glad. There seems to be an idea going round that people in Norfolk are unusual.

  Terry Callan

  Consdon, Norfolk

  SIR — Presumably the recent gift of the home-made chutney from Katherine to the Queen could be regarded as a Duchess Original?

  John Fletcher

  Woodthorpe, Nottinghamshire

  SIR — It seems churlish to criticise the Duke of Cambridge for carrying out too few duties while spending time with his young family when it’s likely, if he follows his grandparents, that he will be working into his nineties.

  Linda Johnson

  West Lavington, Wiltshire

  CHINESE WHISPERS

  SIR — It is inevitable that the Queen, who is constantly monitored, should at some point make a comment she regrets. Rather than analysing this, shouldn’t we be asking why were the Chinese “very rude”?

  James Lloyd-Davies

  London N20

  SIR — David Cameron’s overheard comments to the Queen regarding corruption in Nigeria and Afghanistan must be a great embarrassment to him. It’s the first time in recent years that he has been heard telling the truth. He must be slipping.

  Clive A. Smith

  Stokeinteignhead, Devon

  SIR — The bigger issue is why the Prime Minister had his hand in his trouser pocket while addressing Her Majesty.

  Roger Moor

  London NW9

  SIR — The most shocking thing about the Buckingham Palace Garden Party revelations was that the Lord Chamberlain, William Peel, the 3rd Earl Peel, great-great-grandson of Prime Minister Sir Robert Peel, introduced a police officer to Her Majesty by saying, “Can I present?” instead of “May I present?”

  Is the English language no longer a requirement for members of the Royal staff?

  E.C. Coleman

  Bishop Norton, Lincolnshire

  LEXDEN’S LEXICON

  SIR — The Queen has recently advertised for a senior correspondence officer. Does she have Lord Lexden in mind? His letters to The Daily Telegraph are always “timely and well composed”, his knowledge of state affairs unsurpassed, and his pen is so prolific that I’d not be surprised if he couldn’t oversee replies to the huge royal postbag in his spare time.

  Peter Saunders

  Salisbury, Wiltshire

  DEAR DAILY TELEGRAPH

  BRAVO, PICTURE EDITOR

  SIR — I have always admired the Telegraph’s ability to picture scantily clad young ladies under the flimsiest of pretexts, but you have surpassed yourself with today’s effort: “How to give your barbecue a Brazilian”. While the three models in swimsuits and high heels, pictured clustered around an indeterminate burning object, had little relevance to the article on recipes, they filled a large proportion of the page delightfully. Bravo!

  Charles Smith-Jones

  Andover, Hampshire

  SIR — I think there’s a page missing from my paper — I can’t find the photo of Helen Mirren.

  John Waddington

  Salisbury

  SIR — I had to check that I had purchased the correct broadsheet yesterday. Inexplicably three of your models were smiling.

  Henry Maj

  Armitage, Staffordshire

  SIR — Why is it that “celebrity” women, when having their photograph taken, insist on standing with their legs crossed as though they are in need of the loo? It does nothing to enhance their beauty and just m
akes them look ridiculous.

  Anne Smith

  Monikie, Angus

  SIR — I really look forward to reading Michael Deacon’s articles, but his photograph has always puzzled me. How could someone with that butter-wouldn’t-melt expression write the way he does?

  And then there he was in the Saturday magazine in all his glory: bearded (or unshaven), dark, mussy hair and a grumpy expression — absolutely wonderful. He was ranting about chocolate, cream eggs and this was the Michael Deacon I had always imagined.

  Please, please change the photograph.

  Eve Santler

  Chester

  SIR — I am baffled as to why you persist in including photographs of cast members of The Archers in your pages. My best guess is that they are for the benefit of the deaf, who will not know what the characters look like.

  David Wells

  London E6

  SIR — Would time not be better spent on improving the acting and script-writing skills than on pictures of naked maturing ladies in an Archers calendar?

  Please don’t let my wife see this.

  John Breining-Riches

  Chagford, Devon

  CROSS PURPOSES

  SIR — I may be alone in this, but could I make a plea for a regular High Court gagging order puzzle. Having finished the Telegraph crossword, my wife and I spent an enjoyable hour or so trying to fill in the redacted Court Order for the latest celebrity scandal. Harmless fun for all the family.

  Mike Morris

  Stourbridge, West Midlands

  SIR — A word of advice to all your crossword enthusiasts: do not pause for a sip of coffee while holding your pen in your drinking hand. I have just done so and poked myself in the eye.

  David Brown

  Lavenham, Suffolk

  SIR — One of the pleasures of visiting my parents in Somerset was the rare opportunity to finish one or more cryptic crosswords together. We considered them tough but were determined. On this occasion, however, the pastime has become so arduous that I need a holiday to get over it.

  Some clues are obtuse and others are downright twisted. One wonders if your target audience has become geniuses or disturbed.

  P.M.

  Wiveliscombe, Somerset

  SIR — It is fully understood that puzzle setters are sadistic by nature but why do they insist on marking Killer Sudoku puzzles as “Gentle” when I know that it is going to be a nightmare?

  Douglas Mumford

  York

  SIR — I have just successfully completed my first tough Sudoku. Stephen Hawking, ready when you are.

  Paul Shippard

  Oxshott, Surrey

  SIR — Instead of labelling your puzzles moderate, tough, and so on, they must be given a puzzle equivalent calorie score (PECS).

  This will enable us to decide whether it is better for our health to do the puzzle or go for a long walk instead.

  D.J.J.

  Horsham, West Sussex

  SIR — I appreciate that cryptic crosswords are, by definition, devious, but I think last Saturday’s Prize Crossword went beyond the pale by inferring that Tracy Emin is an artist.

  A. Roberts

  Dronfield, Derbyshire

  TO PAGE 25 AND BEYOND

  SIR — Why did Major Tim Peake go to the International Space Station to experience zero gravity when for £199.99 plus £9.95 delivery he could have picked up the Zero Gravity chair on special offer with the Telegraph on page 25 and experienced the same at home?

  David Brinkman

  Poole, Dorset

  SIR — In Saturday’s Travel section there was an advertisement for a two-week Mediterranean cruise costing £999 for a cabin. There was also a “free drinks package worth up to £1,150 per person”.

  Would you manage to find your way to the cabin?

  Ralph Drew

  Painswick, Gloucestershire

  JOCULAR JUXTAPOSITION

  SIR — A piece in today’s Telegraph headlined: “Man, 74, collapses after Viagra tryst with woman, 27” is next to a story headed: “Bang goes a silent display.”

  Is it just me, or is the editor having a quiet laugh?

  Gordon Garment

  Chipping, Lancashire

  CLASS ACTION

  SIR — What on earth has happened to the class of your readership when your arts correspondent has to explain that White’s is a Gentleman’s club?

  Perhaps she was subtly ensuring that the St. James’s outpost was not confused with a similarly named and styled establishment, located on the outskirts of the City of London, where I am led to understand that young ladies from Lapland and Poland dance in order to earn funds to buy clothes.

  Nicky Samengo-Turner

  Gazeley, Suffolk

  SIR — I shall cancel my subscription if any of your writers should ever again describe Ant and Dec as “everyone’s best loved double-act”.

  Andrew Callaway

  Northowram, West Yorkshire

  HATCHES AND DISPATCHES

  SIR — Sadly, we may have lost David Bowie but, according to your Birthday Column, Des O’Connor is still going strong at 84. Every cloud…

  David Alsop

  Churchdown, Gloucestershire

  SIR — Following the recent deaths of such celebrated musicians as David Bowie, Glenn Frey and Dale Griffin, is God putting a band together?

  Wendy May

  Hereford

  SIR — Today you have devoted a page to Charlie Sheen. I am happy and proud to have never heard of him. Had I been asked I would have guessed some sort of furniture polish.

  Nigel Peacock

  Llanbedr y Cennin, Conwy

  SIR — Reading your Birthdays column I am repeatedly amazed to find that celebrities who were the same age as me during the 1980s and 1990s have now inexplicably become ten years younger. I wish I knew their secret.

  Jill Smith

  Stalbridge, Dorset

  SIR — Anyone wanting their child to become an eminent future sports star would be well advised to take note of your Birthday column and plan accordingly: March 23 is the birthday of no fewer than eight people from diverse sports: Sir Roger Bannister, Jason Kenny, Wasim Bari, Sir Steve Redgrave, Mike Atherton, Joe Calzaghe, Sir Chris Hoy and Mo Farah.

  Catherine Norton

  Castleford, West Yorkshire

  DISGUSTED OF CAMBRIDGE

  SIR — I write out of concern for your editorial staff. On Saturday my 11-year-old daughter Lucy asked for the Sport supplement. Some ten minutes later I was subjected to a tirade of disgust arising from the total absence of any women’s sport. Lucy finished the rout by pointing out that the only woman she could find was advertising a betting shop.

  I have been on Lucy’s bad side before and I don’t recommend it to you. In your interests, would you consider a women’s sport supplement once a month? I could then have my breakfast in peace and persuade Lucy to stand down.

  J.S.

  Cambridge

  FRIENDS REUNITED

  SIR — You published a letter from me on September 7. Next to my letter was one from a school friend I have not seen for over 50 years. Is this a new service being provided by The Daily Telegraph?

  Andrew H.N. Gray

  Edinburgh

  SIR — I write to The Daily Telegraph a couple of times per week and friends call me an anorak. I point out to them that tens of thousands of people in Britain write to Facebook more than once a day.

  Sir, imagine if your office had to deal with that lot.

  Dave Alsop

  Churchdown, Gloucestershire

  SIR — I see The Times is advertising for readers to write letters to its editor. Do you have any spare ones you could send his way?

  David Stanley

  London SW6

  SIR — I am worried not to have heard for a while from Les Sharpe, Hersham, Surrey, and Sandy Pratt, Dormansland, Surrey. Is all well with them? Maybe they should get together in times of writer’s block.

  If both horse racing fans they
could meet at Sandown Park or Lingfield Park, which are close to their respective homes. A little fresh air and a flutter would possibly rejuvenate their jaded pens.

  Concerned of Henfield.

  Alyson Persson

  Henfield, West Sussex

  SIR:

  I keep writing to the Telegraph

  But I’ve fallen in the trap

  Of being too honest with my home address,

  (Which is) North of Watford Gap.

  Would the one who does the choosing

  Have a good look at a map.

  They’ll see there are many places

  (To the) North of Watford Gap.

  On average only 1 in 16 letters

  That are chosen by the Telegraph chap

  To appear upon the letters page

  (Come from) North of Watford Gap.

  The other day on Radio 4

  I listened to your Editor chat.

  But you could tell that he had hardly been

  (Where?) North of Watford Gap.

  Give us a break, Letters Editor,

  We no longer wear shawls and a cap.

  Even the clogs are in decline

  (Up here) North of Watford Gap.

  Some of us have opinions

  And views that you should tap.

  Don’t assume that all your readers

  (Reside) South of Watford Gap.

  Alan Beresford

  Chesterfield, Derbyshire (North of Watford Gap)

  SIR — You printed two letters today from Malvern. Here’s another one.