Stop the World, I Want to Get Off...

by Iain Hollingshead

  Malvern Harper

  Ripley, Derbyshire

  SIR — I forgot to put “SIR” at the head of my last letter. You are probably a woman anyway.

  Sorry, sir.

  Stefan Badham

  Portsmouth

  SIR — I must thank your correspondent Thomas W. Jefferson for helping me to understand why I have not been very successful over the past year in getting my letters published. Perhaps I should change my name to George Washington.

  Professor M.M.R. Williams

  Eastbourne, East Sussex

  SIR — For months I have been sending you letters, but they are never published despite me having a double-barrelled name, retired officer rank and writing from the fashionable town of Whitstable.

  Would it help if I provided a triple-barrelled name?

  Lt Col Alistair St John-Grahame-Stewart (retd) Formerly Alistair St John-Grahame

  Whitstable, Kent

  SIR — Demonstrating the great meritocracy that is the Telegraph letters page my prenominal is seemingly of no use when writing to you. With none published my ambition is undiminished.

  Once in my first year as a professor at a north-east university it was politely explained to me — across a large committee — that my role now was simply to sit there and raise my eyebrows once in a while. Do nothing vocal, offer nothing critical. Wait until the Telegraph hears about this, I thought.

  Professor Craig Richardson

  Taston, Oxfordshire

  SIR — Our postman, whom I’d never met before today, told me that he’d seen my recent contribution to your Letters page.

  “Concise and pithy”.

  Just like this one.

  John H. Stephen

  London NW8

  SIR — While considering whether to buy your unpublished letters book I have been dismayed to read Iain Hollingshead’s otherwise encouraging piece which tells us that you have received none from Tunbridge Wells this year. I alone have sent you six since January 1, all of which were automatically acknowledged.

  Most were quite good, certainly deserving a place in your new book, if not in the paper.

  In the hope that this one might actually be read and Tunbridge Wells regain pride of place in your letter columns.

  I am Yours disgustedly,

  Donald Clarke

  Tunbridge Wells, Kent

  SIR — Have you thought of producing a book of the letters by Stan Eckersley of Pudsey and Graham Hoyle of Baildon? You could entitle it “Letters on Every Subject from West Yorkshire”.

  Patricia Hargreaves

  Guiseley, West Yorkshire

  STILL ALONE IN THINKING

  SIR — You may like to know that, two years since the publication of my unpublished letter in the admirable book What Will They Think of Next…?, I have still not received a reply to my request to the captains of two major food retailers on how to open shrink-wrapped food without damaging the contents.

  Should I let you know in another two years?

  Terry Burke

  Canterbury, Kent

  THE DAILY STROKE

  SIR — This morning, on offering the Telegraph to my wife, she replied: “Not yet; I think I’ll take my blood pressure first.”

  Dr A.E. Hanwell

  York

  SIR — The only thing to raise my spirits in these times of turmoil has been Matt.

  Penelope Escombe

  Brigstock, Northamptonshire

  P.S.

  Dear Iain,

  Well, now, there I was reading Henry Pelling’s excellent biography of Winston Churchill — in awe of how the dashing young cavalryman managed to send reports to The Daily Telegraph between death-defying skirmishes on the North-West Frontier — and up steps the postman with your letter telling me that one of my own Daily Telegraph “reports”, sent from the comparatively safe enclave of Edenbridge, is to be published in your book.

  Could it possibly be the letter about the mystery of how the washing-up gets done at Downton Abbey? I thought it might stand a chance, being a subject of universal curiosity to those of us who spend hours chained to the sink listening to Radio 4.

  I will, of course, be buying a copy of your book and advising the small but exclusive circle of people invited to my funeral to do likewise.

  Best wishes,

  Robert Cox

  Dear Iain,

  I was thrilled to get your letter.

  I will be a published author: so much better to have a letter in your book than in a throwaway newspaper.

  As a child, like all of us, I couldn’t wait for Christmas; the feeling has returned.

  Thank you.

  Greig Bannerman

  Dear Mr Hollingshead,

  I would be honoured to have one of my letters included. Or perhaps I should say:

  SIR — After years of waiting for recognition for all my voluntary work etc. I have hit the jackpot. Forget your honours list, Mr Cameron; I’ve had a letter from Mr Iain Hollingshead.

  Kind regards

  Sheelagh James

  Dear Iain — if I may!

  I was delighted to receive your letter and am chuffed that you have chosen to print another letter of mine in one of your volumes. Most certainly I agree to its printing. Vanity forbids otherwise.

  I had been thinking about future titles for your books. I offer the following as a suggestion: Say What You Like, but…

  Do feel free if the mood takes you.

  All good wishes,

  Edward Thomas

  First published 2016 by

  Aurum Press Ltd

  74—77 White Lion Street

  London N1 9PF

  Copyright © 2016 Telegraph Media Group

  Introduction copyright © 2016 Iain Hollingshead

  The moral right of Iain Hollingshead to be identified as the Editor of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilised in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from Aurum Press Ltd.

  Every effort has been made to contact the copyright holders of material in this book. However, where an omission has occurred, the publisher will gladly include acknowledgement in any future edition.

  A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

  Digital edition: 978-1-78131-549-1

  Hardcover edition: 978-1-78131-545-3