Heart of Light

by Hawke Oakley

  Then, immediately turning my relief into horror, I heard Chad shouting over the noise. “Bartender! Give me something with alcohol for my buddy here! It’s on me.”

  I wanted to melt into the bar stool. “That’s really okay – ”

  “Don’t even worry about it,” Chad said. “I’m paying.”

  It’s not about the money! I wanted to yell, but my voice was gone again, swallowed up by anxiety. My fingers curled tightly around the seat.

  Chad picked up the new drink and handed it to me. A deep red liquid with a strong, sour scent sloshed inside the glass. My nose wrinkled. Even if I wasn’t starting to feel sick, I still wouldn’t want to drink it.

  “Go on,” Chad urged. “My treat.” When I didn’t immediately bring the glass to my lips, he frowned. “Come on, man. I bought it just for you.”

  I didn’t ask you to. The retort died in my throat. I didn’t have enough courage to tell someone off, especially a complete stranger who was going out of his way to do something for me, regardless of whether I’d wanted it or not.

  I stared at the liquid, which had now settled and was a rich red mirror reflecting my nervous face. Maybe I was just being selfish. And paranoid. Maybe it was just a normal drink. My heart fluttered in my chest like a trapped bird – hell knows I could’ve used some alcohol to calm my nerves.

  My fingers wrapped around the glass. I glanced up at Matty, but the rim of his beanie was still covering his eyes and I couldn’t catch them. Besides, he was busy with all the orders he had to fill.

  I was just being selfish again.

  I steeled myself and threw back some of the drink. It was strong and tart and made my lips smack.

  Chad gave me a congratulatory slap on the back and I almost choked. “There you go! You’re finally coming out of your shell a little.”

  “Thanks,” I said. I took another sip of the drink just to have my mouth full and unable to speak.

  “Tastes good, right? Don’t worry, you’ll feel the buzz soon enough,” Chad went on.

  It was definitely stronger than the orange juice. I relaxed a little and drank a little more before setting the glass down.

  Back on stage, Ryan changed to a quick-paced song and the floor exploded with its rapid beats. Suddenly Chad grabbed me by the arm and pulled me off the stool.

  “Come on, let’s dance!”

  My half-cry was lost in the noise of music and people around us. My heart raced a mile a minute as Chad practically dragged me to a secluded spot on the floor and started dancing.

  I stood there, feeling awkward and stupid and panicked. “I don’t… really dance.”

  “What?” Chad said. “Everyone knows how to dance. Come on, I’ll show you.”

  He sidled up closer to me and reached out to put his hands on my waist. My heart stopped. Everything slowed down. A stranger was about to put his hands on me and there was nothing I could do about it. I was frozen with fear.

  Just before Chad’s fingers touched my waist, a cold firm voice growled behind me.

  “Excuse me.”

  The relief of hearing Isaac’s voice flooded over me like a wave. “Isaac!”

  I turned and glanced up to him, but the expression on his face startled me. I’d never seen him look so angry before. His normally calm lagoon-green eyes were narrowed into glinting daggers. His mouth was tight, his teeth gritted tightly past his lips. For a second it even spooked me.

  “Yes?” Chad asked.

  “I suggest you step away from my boyfriend,” Isaac spat.

  My eyes widened. Boyfriend?

  “Boyfriend?” Chad echoed. “He didn’t say anything about a boyfriend.” He glared down at me suddenly like I had done something wrong. I was used to that look. I shrank back, but ended up pressing into Isaac’s firm chest behind me. He put his gloved hand gently on my shoulder.

  “It’s common courtesy ask if it’s okay before snatching people away to dance,” Isaac continued, his voice ice cold. His hand tightened on my shoulder. “And I don’t believe any consent was given.”

  Thick tension filled the air, like static electricity. I was certain Isaac could feel me trembling against him, but he stood tall and firm, radiating an aura of confidence and safety.

  “Lighten up, man,” Chad said. “It’s just a dance. Why else would you be at a club for?” Chad glared at me again, curling his lip. “Maybe you should have just said something if you didn’t want to.”

  His cold words hit me like a brick, and I felt even smaller than I did before. He was right. I should just have said no.

  But Isaac suddenly tensed behind me. He was spitting mad. “Get out.”

  “What?” Chad asked, bewildered. “What the hell, man?”

  “Get out of my sight,” Isaac growled. “Before I call security.”

  Chad let out an ugly laugh. “Wow, okay. No need to be so dramatic.” He rolled his eyes and turned to leave, but not before a final remark aimed at Isaac. “Too weak to deal with me yourself, huh?”

  “I would rather not be tried for assault,” Isaac said slowly. “Leave.”

  Chad risked one final glance at me before turning and disappearing into the crowd. When he was finally gone I slumped back against Isaac.

  “That was really scary,” I mumbled.

  “Are you alright?” Isaac asked. The anger on his expression had melted away, leaving only deep concern behind.

  “Yeah,” I said. “I’m okay. Just a little spooked, is all.”

  Isaac let out a sigh of relief and led us back to the bar. He kept me close to protect me from the crowds of people. “I’m so sorry. I came as quickly as I could.”

  “Huh?” I said. “How did you know something was wrong?”

  Isaac glanced over at Matty, who had one eye peeking out from underneath the rim of his hat. He gave me a tiny smile and a nod.

  “Matty sent me a page,” Isaac explained. “He said someone was bothering you. I practically hung up on the phone call I had to check out the window to the dance floor, and that’s when I saw him trying to haul you away.” His face darkened. “That filth.”

  “Thank you,” I said. Matty came over to collect my abandoned drink. “Both of you,” I added, smiling at him.

  Matty blinked at me with his one warm chocolate-brown eye. Then his lip quirked up again. “You like the drink?” he asked.

  “Huh?” I realized he meant the one Chad had ordered for me. “Oh. Yeah, it wasn’t bad, actually.”

  Isaac was grinning and trying to cover it up with the back of his gloved hand. Matty looked similarly amused.

  “What’s so funny?” I asked. Then I paused. “Wait. There’s no alcohol in this at all, is there?”

  “Nope.” Matty gave a gentle shake of his head. “100% cranberry juice cocktail.”

  I sighed then broke out into a laugh. “Thanks. I should’ve known when I didn't feel the burn at the back of my throat.”

  Matty nodded before waving off and returning to his work.

  “He’s a nice guy,” I said to Isaac.

  “He is,” he agreed. “We have a policy here not to let people order alcoholic drinks for others. Usually Matty just whips up the virgin version of a drink, but I suppose he figured you’d want regular juice instead.”

  “Thank God for that,” I said. My smile faltered as the weight of what had just happened hit me. “I know it’s not a big deal, but that was… really scary.”

  Isaac frowned. “It was a big deal. He was trying to make you do something you didn’t want to do. That’s never acceptable.”

  I looked up at him. His words sounded almost foreign to me. That wasn't what I was used to being told at all.

  “Yeah,” I mumbled, staring into the remains of my cranberry juice cocktail.

  Why was Isaac being so fucking kind to me?

  Chapter Five

  Isaac

  I had left Seth behind at the apartment with Nico, who wasn’t working today. I figured it would give them both a good chance to catch up, and for Se
th to have a friend with him while I had to go run errands.

  First on the list was groceries. Not surprisingly, the fridge ran out twice as fast with two people living in the same place. I’d memorized Seth’s favourites by now; fruits, peanut butter, those little microwavable pizzas, and of course, orange juice.

  He’d tried to get me to eat one of those fake miniature frozen pizzas once, and last time I had adamantly refused.

  “It’s not real food,” I had said.

  “Of course it is! Look! It tastes good!” Seth had exclaimed. “Try one. You’ll like it!”

  “I won’t.”

  “Come on!”

  “I will not come on.”

  I smiled to myself as I reached for the freezer door and wondered if I would have to worm my way out of that situation again.

  As I dropped the box of not-real-food tiny pizzas into the shopping basket, I saw a figure lurking down the aisle from the corner of my eye. At first I thought I was only being paranoid. The situation the other night with Chad at the club must have put me on edge. But when the figure didn’t leave, and actually began to approach me, I knew something was wrong.

  I straightened up, broadening my shoulders and narrowing my eyes as the familiar figure strode up to me as if we were old friends.

  “Isaac!” Adrian called, opening up his arms in a grand gesture of fake familiarity. “What a surprise to find you here!”

  “A surprise indeed,” I muttered. I firmly shut the freezer door.

  “How have you been?” he asked.

  It took all my strength not to turn and glare at him. As if everything Nico and Seth had told me about him wasn’t enough, I hated people who overestimated their closeness to me. “Fine.”

  Adrian sighed. “Listen, I know we got off on the wrong foot the other night. I promise, that was just a one time thing.”

  “Really.” It was more of a statement than a question.

  “Yes, of course, really!” he said. To my irritation, he kept stride with me as I turned to stalk down the aisle. “Look. We all have our bad nights. That was just one of mine.”

  As clear as I was making it that I wanted no part of this conversation, Adrian was determined not to leave me alone. He cut me off, standing in front of me with a pleading expression. “Come on, Isaac. Give me a chance.”

  “I’m rather busy,” I said curtly.

  He let out a deep sigh and lowered his voice. “He’s told you all the worst about me, hasn’t he?”

  That got my attention. “Pardon me?”

  Adrian quickly glanced around before mumbling, “I don't like to bring it up unless I have to, but he tells those stories to anybody who will listen.”

  “What stories?”

  “The ones about how awful I am, painting me to be some kind of villain,” Adrian said. “If that’s the case, of course I’m not surprised you want nothing to do with me. I wouldn’t either.”

  I stood my ground, waiting for him to continue.

  “It’s what he does,” Adrian said, shaking his head. “He worms his way into peoples lives by pretending to play the victim. I know because I fell for it, too, years ago, and I couldn’t get out of it because he threatens to hurt himself.” He sighed. “So, if you think it’s all fairy tale romance and rainbows, well…” He trailed off with a bitter scoff. “It’s not.”

  He turned on his heel. “I’ll leave you alone now. Just know that he’s not the innocent doe-eyed boy you think he is.”

  I stood and watched Adrian leave, at a complete loss for words. I glanced down at the box of frozen pizzas in the basket.

  I knew, logically, there were always two sides to any story, but…

  There was no way Adrian’s words about Seth could be true.

  I returned to the condo with Adrian’s words still milling about in my mind. I still wasn't sure how much truth there was in his statement, but my instincts were telling me that it wasn’t a lot. Nevertheless, I’d hold off my judgements until I had more proof.

  “Did you get the little pizzas?” Nico asked as I came through the door. Without waiting, he darted over and took the bags from my hand. “Yes!” He pulled the box out and waved it around before he and Seth stumbled over each other to the microwave.

  “I didn’t know this house was full of fans of the little pizzas,” I said.

  They both grinned, child-like, as they shovelled as many tiny frozen pizzas would fit on one plate into the microwave.

  “Dude, I haven’t had these in forever,” Nico said. “I’m always eating healthy and real food at work.” He rolled his eyes playfully at me.

  “Aren’t you a cook?” Seth asked. “I thought you’d hate the tiny pizzas. I mean, to be honest, I love ‘em, but they are kinda gross.”

  “Hey, just because I have a fancy job at as a cook doesn’t mean I don’t love crappy junk food,” Nico said.

  I put the rest of the less-loved groceries away. For a moment I considered bringing up the fact that I’d talked to Adrian at the store, but seeing the calm happy look on Seth’s face, I decided otherwise. There was no need to ruin his good mood, especially when Adrian only had bad things to say about him.

  Seth sighed. “I wish I had a fancy job. I don’t think anyone would want to hire a loser like me.”

  “You are not a loser,” Nico snapped. “Just because you’ve been through some shit doesn’t make you worth less than anyone else.”

  “It feels like it sometimes.” Seth grimaced as he watched the pizzas turn slowly in the microwave. “I don’t have a degree or job experience or anything. I might as well have just lost all those years of my life. I don’t have anything to show for them.”

  I reached out and touched Seth firmly on the shoulder. “Don’t speak so lowly of yourself,” I said.

  “But – ”

  “No buts,” I said. “I won’t have that kind of talk under my roof.”

  Seth shrank a little, obviously not convinced but not wanting to argue.

  Nico sighed, looking irritated at Seth’s self-deprecating words and frustrated because he didn’t know how to make the situation any better. Then an idea struck me.

  “Seth,” I began. “You don’t have to say yes, but… why don’t you come work at the club?”

  “Huh?”

  Both young men turned to stare, then Nico broke out into a huge grin. “Dude, Isaac, that’s an awesome idea!”

  “At the club?” Seth echoed. “But… doing what? I don’t have experience with anything.”

  “That’s what training is for,” I said with a smile. “You can learn on the job.”

  He balked. “What if I make a mistake?”

  “Dude, I’m late for work like, every day, and Isaac still hasn’t fired me,” Nico said. “I think you’ll be okay.”

  I sighed. “Yes, although I wish he wasn’t late every day, Nico is right.” I gently squeezed Seth’s shoulder as he looked up at me. “There’s no need to be afraid of making mistakes. We all do. The important thing is that you learn from them.”

  Seth averted his eyes. “This is… this is way too generous of you, Isaac.” He stepped back out of my grasp. “I don’t think I can accept this much of your kindness.”

  “Dude, what are you talking about?” Nico asked.

  “Nico, I’m already living here in his house. He feeds me and takes care of me,” Seth spat. “And now he’s offering me a job too? It just… it makes me feel like a fucking burden.” He sighed heavily before looking at me again. “And now I’m talking about him like he’s not even here.”

  “Seth,” I said firmly. “You don’t have to say yes to my offer. Not right away, or ever. It’s simply there for you to think about.”

  He took a moment to mull my words over and then nodded. “Okay. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  The microwave beeped, breaking the silence.

  Nico removed the overflowing plate from the microwave and the scent of sizzling processed cheese filled the air. “Tiny pizzas are do
ne!”

  Seth

  I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling. I couldn’t sleep again. That was a fun new problem that’d cropped up since leaving Adrian. I either slept too much or I couldn’t fall asleep at all.

  I sighed and turned over for what felt like the millionth time. At least it was a change of scenery – instead of staring at the ceiling, I was staring at the wall. I tried closing my eyes again, hoping this time it would end up fruitful, but my thoughts just wandered to my conversation with Isaac that afternoon.

  Why don’t you come work at the club?

  He’d said the words like it was so simple. As if by offering I’d suddenly become useful. As if I wouldn’t go there and struggle to do anything properly and make it clear pretty quickly how useless I was.

  I tossed again. This time I was staring at the opposite wall, with Isaac sleeping on the other side. Or maybe he wasn’t sleeping at all. Maybe he was being kept awake regretting his offer to me, how I’d fuck up his business and make him lose all his money. Maybe then he’d realize the error of his hospitality and kick me out.

  I buried my face in the pillow. The sticky, tar-like feeling of depression sloshed through my chest. I hated feeling this way, but I didn’t know how to stop. Adrian had poisoned my brain and I didn’t have the antidote.

  Soon Isaac would realize how useless I was. It was just a matter of time.

  After a lot of fussing and irritation, I somehow managed to drift off to sleep, but it was one plagued by nightmares. That was a great new addition, too. I could barely get to sleep, and when I finally did, all I experienced were bad dreams. I might as well not go to bed at all.

  It was another Adrian dream. I was stuck living in his apartment again, like nothing had changed. I hated those ones. The ones I hated even more were the nightmares where he was actually nice to me. Upon waking, for some reason, those ones made me sick to my stomach.

  Something was touching me. I came vaguely back into consciousness, disoriented and confused. A soft voice spoke. I realized a moment later it belonged to Isaac. He was gently calling my name.