Heart of Light

by Hawke Oakley

  “Seth. Are you alright?”

  I groaned and tried to wake up. “What’s wrong?” I mumbled.

  When my eyes adjusted, I noticed that his expression was laced with concern. “I’m very sorry for intruding, but I wanted to check on you since you haven’t been sleeping well. But you seemed to be having another nightmare.”

  I blinked. I was still in a dumb post-waking daze. “Huh?”

  “Or at least, that’s what it seemed like,” Isaac said sheepishly. “I’m sorry if you were resting normally.”

  “No, no, it’s okay,” I mumbled, fumbling for his arm to make sure he wouldn’t leave. “I was. I’m glad you woke me up.”

  His lips were tight and he looked tensed to get up. “Do you need anything? Water?” He paused. “Orange juice?”

  I smiled. “No, its okay, but thanks anyway.”

  He settled back down. I only now realized how close he was to me – and how much warmth his body radiated. He was sitting on the edge of my bed, but leaned slightly over me. I noticed I was still touching his arm and let my hand fall away.

  “How’d you know I haven’t been sleeping well?” I asked.

  “Ah,” he said, running a hand through his hair. “Well, the other night you were… crying out in your sleep. I just figured it must be because of a bad dream.”

  “No way. Really?” I groaned and fell back against the pillow. “God, that’s so embarrassing. I didn't wake you up, did I?”

  “You did,” he said.

  “God, I’m so sorry.”

  “No need,” Isaac said, shaking his head. “It was no trouble to stay with you until you settled down.”

  I paused. “You did what?”

  Isaac’s expression instantly turned to guilt. “I’m very sorry. I won’t do it in the future if you don’t want me to, it just broke my heart to hear you suffering like that.”

  “No, it’s…” I trailed off. “You stayed with me?”

  “Yes,” he said. “I, erm, held your shoulders – gently, of course – because you were twisting and writhing around. I didn't want you to hurt yourself by accident.”

  I stared at him in disbelief.

  “Am I dead?” I asked.

  “Pardon me?”

  “Pinch me,” I said.

  Although baffled, Isaac said, “I will do not such thing. And why would you be dead? You’re obviously quite alive.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. Isaac looked like he was going to explode from confusion. “Sorry. Wow. I’ve just never… I didn’t expect you to be like this.”

  “What do you mean?” Isaac asked. “Have I done something wrong?”

  “No. That’s the thing,” I said. “You’re like, too nice to exist. You must be hiding something from me, or I must be dead. Or dreaming.”

  “I’m not hiding anything.” Isaac’s brow furrowed. “I’m afraid I don’t understand. I’m treating you how I would treat any guest in my home.”

  My gaze fell to the comforter I was gripping in my hands. “Weird. I’m just not used to it, I guess.”

  Isaac frowned. Something sparked in his eyes. “This is basic human kindness. Are you telling me Adrian never treated you this way?”

  I shook my head. “He didn’t really care if I had nightmares. I mean, he wasn't around a lot when I slept, but when he was I don’t remember him ever waking me up from one.”

  Isaac pinched the bridge of his nose. He paused for a moment before sighing. “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?” I asked.

  “For what he’s put you through.”

  Isaac didn’t know the half of it, but I appreciated his words anyway. Maybe there was more to Isaac than I thought. “Thanks,” I said.

  He nodded and stood. “Well, I better get going, unless you need anything else.”

  “Um…” Something came over me. A flash of impulse and I blurted out, “I thought about what you said. About the job.”

  He raised his brows. “Yes?”

  “I think I want to take your offer,” I said. “If it’s still… available.”

  “Of course it is.” Isaac smiled, and a soft warmth bled into his light green eyes. “I’ll see you in the morning, then, my newest employee. Goodnight.”

  “Goodnight,” I said.

  After Isaac left, the weight of what I’d done settled on me. I’d taken the offer. I had a job now – a job where I’d have to interact with strangers and do everything properly. Panic seeped through my bones.

  What the hell was I going to do?

  Chapter Six

  Seth

  “So,” Phoenix began with a grin. “You ready for your first day on the job?”

  “As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess,” I said.

  “Heh.” He pat me on the shoulder. “You’ll do fine, kid.”

  I sighed. I wasn’t so sure.

  Inside the club, everyone was preparing for opening. Isaac and I had decided, along with some of the other guys, that I would shadow some of the employees to get a sense of what the job they did was like, and hopefully by the end of the night I’d have some kind of insight for what I enjoyed the most.

  Except for Phoenix, of course. Being a bouncer/bodyguard was not on the list of things I wanted to attempt. He was just keeping me company as Isaac informed some of the other staff about the plan for tonight.

  “Seriously, Seth,” Phoenix said. “You’re gonna be okay. Don’t psych yourself out over it.”

  “I’ll try,” I said.

  Isaac appeared before us, along with Nico, Ryan and Matty. “Alright,” he said, clapping his hands together. “Which glamorous job would you like to see first?”

  Nico waved me over. “Mine, obviously!”

  I ran to his side.

  “Alright, kitchen cook it is, then,” Isaac said. “Ryan,” he said, turning to the tall young man who was only half paying attention.

  Ryan pulled off one side of his headphones. “Huh?”

  “You’ll be next,” Isaac said. “You can show Seth the ropes about the music and stage.”

  Ryan nodded quickly before putting his headphones back on.

  Isaac sighed, then turned finally to the bartender. “Matty.”

  “Hm?”

  “After Ryan is done, Seth will come to you. Please teach him about the bar.”

  Matty nodded once. His eyes were still covered by the rim of his beanie, but even without seeing them I knew he was paying more attention than Ryan had been.

  “Thank you,” Isaac said. “Alright. Let’s get to work then, everyone.”

  “See ya, kid,” Phoenix called. Next to Isaac, he looked like a gruff father sending off his child to the first day of school.

  Nico grabbed my arm. “C’mon, I’ll show you the kitchen!”

  “Is this where that sandwich came from? That really good chicken pesto one I ate the first time I was here?” I asked.

  “Where else?” Nico pushed through the door. Another employee was putting away supplies, and one more was fiddling with the stove. It wasn’t a very roomy kitchen, so we had to avoid bumping into them.

  “Do people really order food at a club?” I asked. “Weird.”

  “Yeah, I thought so too at first, but people get hungry dancing and drinking, I guess.” Nico pushed back his long black hair with a thin metal headband. He cracked his knuckles before digging out some stainless steel bowls from under the counter and handing them to me. “Here. You can be my assistant for the night.”

  We washed our hands and put on a pair of disposable gloves. “What do I get to do?” I asked.

  Nico dropped a rectangular block of cheddar cheese on the cutting board in front of me. He handed me a knife handle first. “Take this and cut it up into little cubes. Then shove those sticks into them.”

  “Really?” I almost laughed. “That’s so simple though. It’s like party food.”

  “Exactly.” Nico pulled out a box from the freezer. “People get so busy they forget they’re hungry, so sometimes we go around
and offer them snacks. Then they realize they’re fucking starving so we remind them about our kitchen.” He shrugged. “I didn't get it at first, but hey, it works.”

  He was sliding out frozen cheese sticks from the box onto a piece of parchment paper.

  “Frozen?” I said, raising an eyebrow.

  “Who are you, Gordon Ramsay?” Nico said. He shoved the frozen sticks in the oven. “Some of the food might be frozen, but people are drunk. They don’t care.” He pointed a sassy finger at me. “And by the way, my kitchen is not a nightmare.”

  We both laughed. I felt like a little kid helping my mom in the kitchen again – probably one of the only good memories I had of my childhood. I cut up the little cubes of cheese and stuck toothpicks in them before setting them neatly on a tray that would be taken out later. Meanwhile, Nico was working intensely on some real-food concoction. His brows were pinched together in concentration as he pinched in salt and pepper and stirred whatever it was with a big wooden spoon.

  “What’s that?” I asked, looking over his shoulder.

  “Homemade pesto,” he said. “Same kind you had in that sandwich.”

  “Wow, really?” I said. “I didn’t know you made it.”

  “Yup,” he said with a grin. “Can’t do much, but cooking is one of the things I can do.”

  “Hey, come on,” I said. “You can do a lot more than that. Your grades were always better than mine in high school.”

  He rolled his eyes. “Not by that much.”

  “Uh, yeah, dude, they were. You got like 90’s and stuff.”

  “The teachers probably just didn’t wanna get on my dad’s bad side,” Nico muttered.

  I winced. I hadn’t mean to inadvertently bring up his family. I tried to change the subject. “Remember that one guy we both used to think was hot? Robert?”

  “Oh my god,” Nico said, throwing his head back. “Gay Robert? He was so fugly. What the hell were we thinking?”

  I laughed. “I have no idea. I always hated his ugly goatee the most.”

  “So did I!” Nico exclaimed. “I wanted to shave it off. God, teen-me was an idiot with bad taste.”

  “Well, to be fair, he was the only other openly gay guy we knew about at school,” I added. “It’s not like we had much of a selection to choose from.”

  “Yeah.” Nico sighed heavily. “We all make mistakes. At least neither of us dated him.”

  “God. I’m glad we’re both past our Robert stage.” I leaned in closer with a mischievous grin. “So, what kind of guy do you go for nowadays?”

  “What, you want me to ask you out?” he said, raising a brow.

  “Ew, god no!” I cried. “You’re like my brother. I just wanna know what’s going on in your life, dude.”

  He shrugged. “I don’t know. I’m kinda too busy for that stuff right now.”

  “Oh,” I said. It was quiet for a while as he continued to add ingredients to the mixture. I watched him expertly crush basil, pine nuts and garlic together in the steel bowl.

  “What about you?” Nico asked.

  For some reason, the question caught me completely off guard. I stood there, not knowing what to say. “Um. I don’t know either.”

  Nico quirked a brow at me and smirked. “Hey, don’t steal my answer.”

  “I’m not. I seriously – ” I stopped as I felt a strange flutter in my chest, one I hadn’t felt in a long time.

  To my horror, I realized I was thinking about Isaac.

  I shook my head. “Yeah, no. It’s too soon, you know?” I said.

  Nico grimaced. “Yeah, I get you. The whole thing with Adrian… I get why you’d not be into looking for a new relationship right now.”

  I sighed. “Thanks.”

  A loud banging on the door made everyone in the kitchen jump.

  “Helloooo!”

  One of the other employees, Ashley, groaned and opened the door. Ryan was standing there with his headphones on and his hands jammed into his pockets. Judging by the way he was standing on one leg with the other one dangling in the air, I realized he’d been kicking the door instead of knocking.

  “What do you want, Ryan?” Ashley said with a sigh.

  “I’m here to pick up my assistant,” he called, too loudly. Even from where I was, standing many feet away, I could hear the music blaring from his headphones – except I didn’t know if he was yelling because of or despite that.

  “He must be talking about you,” Nico muttered with a smirk, elbowing me. “Good luck.”

  I groaned. “Thanks.”

  “There you are, little man!” Ryan called, sauntering over to me and pulling me out of the kitchen. I caught the sight of Nico trying not to laugh before the kitchen door slammed shut.

  “Call me little man one more time,” I grumbled.

  Ryan was tall and gangly, even though he was hunched over most of the time. With his big mouth and raucous voice, he reminded me inexplicably of a spotted hyena.

  “So,” he began. “You’re gonna chill with me for the next little while. Cool?” He paused. “Get it? Little while?”

  I glared at him.

  “Okay, okay, fine, no more jokes about how short you are,” he said, holding up his hands.

  “I’m not short, you’re just freakishly tall,” I snapped.

  “Geez, temper on you, ain’t there?” he said with a big grin. “C’mon, the stage is waiting for us.”

  He leapt up the stairs two steps at a time and spun to a halt in front of the turntables. He made a big fuss about beckoning me over. I shirked under the attention before I realized the crowd was too busy dancing and getting drunk to care about me. I sighed in relief.

  “Alright, so – ” Ryan clapped me on the back. “Basically, I don't know what boss man told you, but there’s no way I’m letting you touch my turntables. Capiche?”

  I stared at the complicated equipment in front of me. All I recognized was a laptop and two vinyl discs. The rest of it might as well have been the controls in the cockpit of a plane. To be honest, I was relieved I didn’t have to work any of it, even though Ryan had basically pulled me out of the kitchen for nothing.

  “Fine by me,” I said.

  “Awesome.” He snapped his headphones back on.

  “Wait – what am I supposed to do, then?” I asked.

  “Uhh.” Ryan paused. His long body twisted as he bent over to retrieve something from under the table. He passed me another set of controls, which thankfully looked a lot more manageable than the turntables. “Here. You can play with the lights.”

  “Okay.” I took the controls from him and gave the buttons and knobs a once-over. There were a few features I intrinsically understood, like the dimmer, but a few of them weren’t so user friendly.

  “Just fuck around with them,” Ryan said with a grin. “People don’t care about the lights as much anyway when the music’s good.”

  For some reason I couldn’t help but smile back at him. He was cocky and annoying, but I had to admit he had an aura of charisma that was hard to ignore.

  I began testing the switches and buttons, watching how the lights reacted. Some beams shone from the floor and slowly moved to the ceiling. Others created colorful shapes, like stars and miniature fireworks, on the back wall.

  “There you go,” Ryan said with a grin. He lowered the music into a slow, thick build-up and then it exploded into a drop that sent everyone on the floor into a crazed wave of cheering and movement.

  I tried my best to match Ryan’s music with the lights. Beams of color flitted over the floor, while others raked up and down the ceiling. I was careful not to create too much flashing while still doing an energetic and fun light show.

  “Hey, you’re pretty good at this,” Ryan said. “Usually I just set the lights to auto and let them do their own thing, but the crowd seems to like you better.”

  “Really?” I said. I hadn’t noticed until now, but sweat was trickling down my body. I must have been moving along to the music without realizing
it.

  “Yeah, dude,” he said. “Keep it up!”

  Ryan barely let the current song trail off before bleeding in a new one, never slowing down his pace.

  “If you keep up the good songs like this,” he began, leaning over to me. “It doesn’t let people have time to get off the dance floor. Which is good for business. We want people out there shaking their asses! This is a gay bar, after all!”

  I laughed. “So you think ass-shaking is gonna get people hooked up?”

  Ryan nodded as he fidgeted with his turntable controls. “You know it!”

  We kept up the pace together, music and lights working together to keep the club happy. By the end of the mix, everyone on the floor was sweaty and satisfied. To my surprise, I was pretty worked up too. I didn’t know being on stage was so exhilarating.

  “That was fun, dude!” Ryan said, grinning at me again. Unlike before, this time I could actually see the genuineness of his smile. “Maybe you can be our stage light manager or something. If that’s even a thing.”

  I shrugged. “Who knows. Its up to Isaac.”

  “Pff. Knowing him, he’ll let you do whatever you want. Guy’s a big suck.” I didn’t have time to respond before Ryan was talking again. “Oh, wait, don’t you have to go see Matty now? Isaac’ll get pissed at me if he knew I was hogging you the whole time.” He gave me a shove across the stage. “Go pour some drinks or somethin’. The lights will be waiting for you later.”

  Ryan was already back in the zone of the music as I stumbled off the stage. I sighed and headed for the bar. The crowd seemed a lot less intimidating now as I manoeuvred my way through them; they were the same people I’d looked down on from the stage, the same people who were enjoying the music and lights just a moment ago. That thought made me strangely happy.

  I found the side entrance to the bar, undid the latch and stood awkwardly behind the counter while waiting for Matty to acknowledge me. He was busy preparing what looked like thirty drinks at once. Okay, that was an exaggeration, but his hands moved so quickly and with such precision that he might as well have been making thirty drinks.

  He dished out two daiquiris, a strange light blue drink, and what appeared to be rum and Coke to the people waiting behind the bar. Just when I thought I should call out to him to let him know I was there, a glass filled with orange juice slid my way. The corner of his lip quirked up.