Heart of Light

by Hawke Oakley

  “Um,” Seth began.

  I paused. “What is it?”

  “Can you…. Can you just stay here a moment longer?” he asked. “Just a few more minutes.”

  My mind was screaming no, but my heart was saying yes.

  And my heart won.

  “Of course.”

  I showered quickly and put a small dab of cologne on my neck before dressing. I had to get rid of… pressing matters before the day began, otherwise I would be uncomfortable all day. Once that was taken care of, I put on a nice navy shirt and black pants. My belt was dark leather with a silver belt buckle that contrasted against the dark colors.

  As I stood in my bedroom and observed myself in the mirror, I realized with a pang of horror that I was dressing up as if I was going on a date. Grumbling to myself, I fidgeted with my sleeve cuffs. It was not a date. It was merely an outing with a friend. A close friend.

  Before I could dig myself into an even deeper mental hole, Seth appeared in the doorway. “Ready to go?”

  “Yes, I am,” I said.

  I was taken off guard by how good he looked. He had combed his hair to the side and tucked the loose pieces behind his ears, like I had that one night. He was wearing a dark graphic t-shirt and jeans. I suddenly felt overdressed, as if I’d dressed up for an actual date instead of a non-date.

  Seth didn’t seem to notice the disparity. “Awesome! We don’t have to take the car since its right down the street, but we can if you wanna be fancy.”

  “Which do you prefer?” I asked. It was his idea, after all.

  “Um… I’d rather walk. I haven’t been out in town for a while.”

  “Then let’s take the not-fancy route,” I said with a smile.

  It was a clear day with a few fluffy clouds overhead in the blue sky. It turned out to be good walking weather. Seth took in a deep breath, then exhaled it. “It finally smells like spring.”

  “Indeed,” I said. “It’s been so rainy lately that I’ve forgotten how nice it can be outside.”

  “Nico and I used to be outside nonstop in high school,” Seth said. He paused a moment to look in a store window and I stopped as well, then when he continued telling his story we went on. “We’d skip class a lot, actually, to hang out outside.”

  “I imagine you both got in trouble for that,” I said wryly.

  “Sure did,” he said with a laugh. “Nico usually more than me, though. Nobody cared as much if I was doing bad shit.”

  “Why is that?” I asked.

  He stopped to run his hand over the side of a tree that was planted in the sidewalk. Someone had carved a heart and initials into the bark. “I hate when people do this,” he said. “Especially since the tree’s gonna last longer than their relationship.”

  I couldn’t deny that. I watched him run his fingers gently over the wood before sighing. “Sorry. It just really annoys me.”

  “No need to be sorry,” I said. We continued walking, but he never answered my question. I wondered if he avoided it on purpose or merely forgot. “So where is this pet store?”

  “Oh! Just down the street here,” he said, bounding ahead. He came to a halt in front of a small shop with a sign in the shape of a paw print. Through the window, there were many different shapes of cat trees, with one occupied by what looked like the resident cat. She was currently batting at a feather flirt pole built into the cat tree. When she noticed Seth’s intent gaze, she narrowed her eyes at him.

  “You like cats?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I like all animals,” he said with a soft smile. “Come on, let’s go inside.”

  A bell chimed as we entered. The cat turned to watch us and Seth greeted her before the employee who came cheerily up to us.

  “Hi there!” she said. “Is there anything I can help you with?”

  “Um, we’re just browsing, thank you,” he said. Then something caught his eye. He perked up, eyes staring at the back of the store. “Wait, do you have birds here?”

  “We sure do!” the employee said. “We just got in some budgies from a local breeder.”

  “Budgies?” I asked, turning to Seth.

  “They’re parakeets!” he said excitedly. “Come on, I’ll show you!”

  He led me to the back of the store where a large round cage stood. Inside were a multitude of colorful little birds – blue, turquoise, yellow and white all stood out as blurs as the small birds chirped and flew around the enclosure. Seth was in awe.

  “Just be careful not to get nipped,” the employee said with a smile.

  “I won’t, don’t worry,” he said. “I used to have a budgie.”

  “Oh?” I asked. “I didn’t know that.”

  He gave me a half-smile before turning his attention back on the little yellow bird. It hopped along the wooden perch towards him, tilting its head and letting out a noise that sounded like childlike gibberish. Seth made a kissy noise back at the bird, which it repeated to the best of its ability. The sight of him interacting with a bright yellow bird that could fit in the palm of my hand was terribly endearing.

  “I didn’t know you were so fond of birds,” I said.

  Seth did that same half-smile. “Yeah.”

  Someone else entered the store and the employee said, “Just let me know if you need any help!” to us before bounding off. We were left alone at the huge bird cage. I wondered if I should ask Seth what was bothering him, but I didn’t want to interrupt his moment.

  “I used to have a budgie when I lived with Adrian,” Seth began quietly. I said nothing and waited for him to continue. “She was one of the only things I bought with my own money. I got her cage, food, everything with my own savings.”

  The yellow budgie hopped back and forth on the perch and tilted its head as he spoke.

  “What happened?” I asked after he hadn’t continued.

  “One day Adrian sent me out with money and a list to buy groceries,” he said. “When I came back, she wasn’t anywhere in the apartment. That’s when I saw her cage door was left open right next to the window.”

  “Oh, no,” I murmured.

  He shook his head. “I didn’t want to clip her wings, so… she could still fly. Sometimes I let her fly around the den and Adrian hated it. I don’t know if he purposely put her out the window or if she just flew off on her own, but… Either way, my only friend was gone.”

  How could you respond to a story like that?

  My heart broke for him, but all I could do was reach out and put a supportive hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

  He wiped the corner of his eyes with the palm of his hand. “Thanks.”

  At that moment, a thought occurred to me. It was one I knew logically I should have pushed away, but in that moment, I’d give anything to see him smile again.

  “You know, I’ve never had a pet before,” I began.

  He looked up curiously at me. “Never?”

  “Never.” I glanced at the little yellow bird hopping along its perch. “What do you say we give this one a home?”

  Seth’s eyes widened. He looked back and forth between me and the budgie. “Wait, are you joking?”

  “No,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m quite serious. Although I don’t know anything about bird keeping, so I’ll be counting on you for all the knowledge.”

  For Seth, the fact that I wasn’t pulling his leg still hadn’t sunk in yet. “But you need a big cage, and it’s gonna take up a lot of space, and their crap smells and they’re so messy when they eat, and they leave little downy feathers all over the place – ”

  “I’m okay with all of that,” I said. “As long as having a bird makes you happy.”

  Now he stared at me as if I was speaking a different language. For a moment I wondered if I had done something wrong before he leapt at me with arms outstretched. He buried his face in my chest and wrapped his arms tightly around my waist. After the shock passed, I reached down and pat him soothingly on the back.

  “Thank you so much,” Seth murmured
as he finally pulled away. “It means a lot to me.”

  “Of course,” I said with a smile. I turned towards the bird, who was preening one of its wings now. “I wonder if it knows its going home soon.”

  “She,” Seth said.

  I looked at him curiously.

  “She’s a girl,” he said. “You can tell by her cere. That’s the pinkish-brown thing on the base of her beak. You can tell by the color she’s a girl.”

  “Interesting,” I said. I pointed out a different budgie in the cage, this one with a blue cere. “So this one is a male?”

  “Yup.”

  “So they’re color coded,” I said with a chuckle. “That makes things easier.”

  Seth playfully rolled his eyes. “Yeah, if you think colors can have genders.” He sat up excitedly and looked around the store. “We're gonna need a big cage. And bird feed, and millet – and toys and cuttlebone…”

  He muttered to himself as he took off, grabbing a shopping basket and filling it up with the essentials. I decided to get the cage, with his input of course. We picked out the largest cage available, much to both Seth and the employee’s delight.

  “Are you sure?” Seth asked as the employee ran off the ring up our items. “It’s really expensive.”

  I shook my head firmly. “Don’t worry about the money.”

  He lowered his eyes. “But I’m making you pay for all of it. I should be the one paying for all the equipment and everything. I mean, I even have my own money now.”

  “Think of it this way,” I said. “She’s our bird.”

  “Ours?” he said, looking back up. The was a hopeful sparkle in his eyes.

  “Yes,” I said, nodding. “Ours. Both of ours.”

  “Like… a shared ownership?” He laughed a bit. “Like, co-parenting?”

  “Exactly like that,” I said.

  “Your total’s ready for you up front!” the employee called from the cash register. I paid for all the expenses, noticing the way Seth’s eyes bulged slightly at the total price rung up on the screen. When all was said and done, it was time for the employee to catch our bird.

  This was something I had no previous experience with and, to be frank, I wasn’t expecting her to literally go into the cage and catch the bird.

  “Do they always do that?” I asked Seth as the employee struggled to cup her hands around our bird of choice. He just laughed.

  When she finally managed to grasp the little yellow budgie, she wriggled her into a cardboard box and handed it to us. “There you go.” She wiped the sweat off her brow. “Feisty one you got there.”

  “Good,” Seth said. “That’s the way I like my birds.”

  He took the box gently in his hands and gazed at her through the peep hole. I joined in next to him. Her tiny black eye blinked at us through the hole and when she chirped indignantly we both laughed.

  Seth

  My heart was racing from a million different emotions at once. Isaac had left me alone for a few minutes as he went back home to get the car since there was no way we could carry all the bird supplies home. The boxed cage and all the food and toys surrounded me on the curb, like a mini fortress of bird equipment. Isaac had left about twenty minutes ago, so he should’ve been back any second now.

  I held the bird box in one hand and wiped my sweaty palm on my knee with the other. Our budgie chirped in the box.

  “Sorry, girl,” I said. “You’re gonna be home soon, I promise.”

  She chirped again, a little quieter. I smiled. “We need to think of a name for you, too, huh? How about… Maggie?”

  The budgie gave a disapproving-sounding chirp.

  “Yeah, you’re right, it sounds too much like a dogs name,” I said with a smile. “I’ll ask Isaac, too, okay? Maybe he’s better at names than I am.”

  “So you guys got a pet, too, huh?”

  I nearly jumped out of my skin at the voice behind me. I scrambled to my feet, holding the bird box close to my chest. Chad was standing there with his arms crossed.

  “Jesus Christ, do you always sneak up on people like that?” I snapped. “You almost gave me a heart attack.”

  “Sorry,” Chad said, not sounding sorry in the slightest. “So, a bird?”

  “Yeah,” I said. A weird chill ran down my spine. Even though logically I knew he wouldn’t try to grab her or anything, I still instinctively held her closer. “What of it?”

  He shrugged. “I just think its super creepy that you live with your boss, and now he’s buying you pets.”

  “She’s not my pet,” I spat. “She’s our pet.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “You think that makes it any better? Adopting a pet together is basically like a wedding invitation.”

  I stopped. What was he trying to say?

  “What’s your point?” I asked firmly.

  “My point is that he’s a creep, Seth,” he said.

  I hated the way he said my name. It sounded disgusting on his tongue.

  “You don’t know anything about Isaac,” I snapped. “And you don’t know anything about me either, so why don’t you just back off and mind your own fucking business?”

  A burst of anger exploded from inside me, like lava overflowing from a dormant volcano. I had never snapped at anyone like that in my life before, and it seemed to surprise Chad just as much as it surprised me. He raised his brows and paused.

  “I’m just looking out for your best interests,” he said quietly.

  My jaw almost dropped. I stepped back. “No offense, but I barely know you, Chad. Why are you so concerned with my personal life?”

  His face suddenly darkened. “Do you really want to know the truth?”

  My heart sank and my pulse sped up. The anxious sweats returned, making my palms clammy again. I swallowed thickly. “Yes.”

  “I’m not the only one who’s looking out for you,” he said slowly. “Remember that.”

  The anxiety coursing through my veins turned to panic. My heart fluttered frantically against my ribs, like a trapped bird. I stepped back. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Don’t instantly trust Isaac just because he’s apparently being nice to you,” Chad continued. “That’s all I’m saying.”

  My lips tightened. “Leave Isaac out of this!”

  Car tires suddenly screeched behind me. I whipped around to see Isaac bolting out of the parked car, its engine still running, and hurrying to my side.

  “Seth, are you alright?” His expression was sharp and angry as he glared daggers at Chad. “You again.”

  “Why don’t you just leave Seth alone?” Chad asked.

  “What?” Isaac said.

  “You think you’re some kind of savior?” Chad continued. “You think ‘cause you pulled him off the street, gave him a job and a place to stay that you own him?”

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Where the fuck was he getting all these ridiculous accusations? But when I looked up at Isaac, he didn’t seem as sure as I did that all we were hearing was bullshit. His brows had softened in concern in that way they did when he was thinking deeply about something.

  “Isaac,” I said sharply. “Don’t listen to him. What he’s saying isn’t true.”

  He glanced at me, then back at Chad. “Right.”

  “Come on,” I said, shooting Chad a nasty look. “Let’s get out of here.”

  Isaac wordlessly picked up the rest of the supplies and carried them to the car. When we were all packed up and ready to leave, I noticed Chad was still standing there with his arms crossed and his expression judgmental. I narrowed my eyes at him.

  Who was Chad? There was no way he was just a stranger with good intentions. Why wouldn’t he leave us the hell alone?

  Chapter Nine

  Seth

  The drive home was uncomfortable and silent again. I was still angry at Chad, and I could tell his words had bothered Isaac, and it annoyed me that he wouldn’t talk to me about it.

  When we got into the apart
ment and set up the bird cage, I asked, “Have you thought of any names for her?”

  He hadn’t realized I had spoken for a moment. “Sorry?”

  I sighed and released our pet into her new home. She hopped along the perches we set up in her spacious cage. She chirped as she explored.

  “Come on,” I said, walking towards the bedroom. “I don’t want to argue right in front of her.”

  “Argue?” Isaac echoed.

  With the door closed, I turned and gazed pleadingly up at Isaac. “Now, will you please tell me what’s wrong?”

  His eyes fell to the floor, almost in guilt.

  “Please,” I repeated.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. Right now, he wasn’t carrying himself with his usual confidence and poise. Instead he just seemed defeated. “I… Sorry. This has been wearing on my mind for a while now. I just fear what Chad has been saying is the truth. What if I have been doing all those things?” He paused, gathering himself. “What if I’m as bad as Adrian?”

  “What?” I spat. “Are you kidding me?”

  The words exploded from my mouth. Isaac’s gaze shot back up, startled.

  “I can’t believe you would ever think that,” I said. “Are you crazy?”

  Isaac only blinked. He seemed both confused and guilty, over nothing. “I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

  I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I could not believe the kindest man I’d ever met in my life was standing there in front of me questioning whether he was as bad as my abuser. I had to compose myself before I started talking.

  “I… No, Isaac,” I said, shaking my head. “You are nothing – nothing – like Adrian. Hell, I don’t even like saying your names so close together.” I raised my hands in a confused gesture. “I don’t understand where this is even coming from.”

  Isaac sighed and sat down at the edge of the bed. His hands were knitted together in his lap. “I would be lying if I said what Chad mentioned earlier hasn’t crossed my mind. About my age, and position of power over you. I’ve been hyperaware of it ever since that night at the club where he made a big fuss about it.”

  “Isaac,” I said gently, going over to him. “It only sounds bad when you say it with bad intentions in mind.”